9-10-2021 Journal Entry, aka Too Much All at Once

Geez, there's so much, I can tell this is going to be word vomit.

Today was the Fallen Firefighter's Memorial.  They put the 3 names they lost to Covid on the memorial.  I hate the bagpipes playing Amazing Grace--it always makes me cry.  I met one of the other widows and her condition is just heartbreaking.  You can just see grief written all over her.  I gave her my phone number.

Billy is in the hospital.  Last week he made two threats on text to kill someone with a knife he got from a friend.  The first one was while I was teaching small group.  I put a parental app on his phone and found the second threat about a classmate along with music he was listening to that was vile.  I confronted him when he came home and he got angry and started cussing at me and Arrena and saying hateful things to me and about Scott.  He poured his root beer on my chair and the floor.  Arrena and I tried to restrain him.  Patrick was barking and I thought Billy would calm down when he reached to hug Patrick, but he said he was running away and shoved me out of the way.  We let him go, but he came back and went straight to the knife drawer, which I didn't realize was unlocked, and grabbed a knife and held it to his throat and said he was going to kill himself because no one loved him.  I grabbed the knife while Arrena grabbed him.  I was trying to find my phone to call the doctor's office crisis line, but I couldn't find it, so we called police from Arrena's phone.  They took him to Research and I followed.  I stayed with him until about 5:15am then went home to sleep and go to my discipleship class.  I had to fill out paperwork for him to go to KVC, then I went back and his bed was in the hallway.  He was bored so I went to Dollar Tree and got him some activity books.  Then I went back home.  He went to KVC in the morning.  I've talked to him every day.  The first day, he had to be sedated.  The second day he had to be isolated.  Last night he told me that he's trying to be good so he can come home and see me and the dog.  Kimberly told me she's afraid for all of us and that I should turn him over to the state.  She said I haven't been there as a mom they needed because I was too busy with Billy.  And she's right.  I didn't get to be the mom I wanted to be.  Once a therapist drew a pie chart and said I spend 90% of my resources (time, energy, money) on Billy and the other 10% is what I have left for both my kids, my husband, myself, friends, etc.  Would Kim be different if I'd been there for her?  I started crying because I have spent 16 years trying to prevent us from getting exactly where we are now.  I've wasted 16 years.  And I didn't help any of my 3 kids.  She started talking about her dad and Sarah and how they act different in front of Arrena and Paul, but to her they still badmouth me and reward her with attention if she badmouths me and Scott.  I knew this wedding was going to be difficult but now I feel like everything I do will be scrutinized to make fun of later.  It's too much.  There's just too much going on.  It's been 12 years--why can't he move on?  I told Billy's therapist at KVC my concerns that things are only getting worse and that we're scared of it escalating.  She suggested I call DCS, so I did today.  I have no idea what they can do or what to expect.  They're supposed to call me in 24 hours.  Billy didn't call me tonight.  His nurse did--he punched 2 boys in the face and threw chairs at staff.  They put him in isolation.

8-14-2021 Journal Entry, aka Billy's Baptism

Billy was baptized Wednesday but he didn't want us to come or to sit with us and nearly made a scene.  As I watched some of the kids being baptized, I started crying.  Partly it was his attitude toward us and wondering if he really changed/repented.  Partly I was thinking about Scott and Sue and what they were doing.  And partly I watched some kids opt to have their parent baptize them and I wondered what they did differently because none of mine wanted me to do it.  Billy didn't even want me there.  What did I do wrong that these kids are closer to their parents than I am to mind?  I know all my screw ups, but am I the only one making mistakes? I'm trying so hard and have all their lives.

Billy's continuing this attitude today, saying at least he works and I just sit on my ass.  He also called me a fucking whore.  I'm so tired of the disrespect and I'm tired of my husband's money supporting us all still, yet Kim doesn't acknowledge it and Billy just doesn't get it.  Without me and Scott's provision, there's no money for food, internet, video games, cell phone, gas to drive him around, etc.

8-7-2021 Journal Entry, aka Covid Argument Part 2

The reply I got wasn't exactly what I'd hoped.  For a sermon on humility, I didn't see much of that in the response.  He admitted in church he has a problem with pride.  I didn't find any personal responsibility in his reply.  No "I'm sorry my words hurt you."  Not even and acknowledgment of my Bible verses.  Some of it seemed like he didn't even read all of my email.  Here's the reply:

Thank you for sharing your feedback with me, Robin.  I am deeply sorry for your loss and the hurt you're experiencing.  I tried to articulate both sides of the issue in my sermon.  At one point, I said that if I had a family member or someone close to me who died of Covid, I would see it differently.  I totally understand your perspective, and the whole point is there are multiple perspectives, all of which are valid, depending on how Covid has affected someone personally.  I think everyone in a situation like this is allowed to have their own opinion and make their own decisions.  I am very sad for your loss, Robin, and for everything you have gone through with your husband's passing.  I am praying for you and for God's blessing and comfort as you grieve.  God bless you.

I was very angry, both at him and the majority of Christians who don't take this seriously.  It's not a matter of opinion to me--it's a difference of right and wrong.  I was hesitant to talk to my therapist about it but she seemed to understand my point of view.  I didn't tell her it was specifically my Pastor, just that it was someone I looked up to and respected and was in a position of authority.  She may have guessed.  But she talked about creating boundaries with him but I don't know how you do that with your pastor (I go to an extremely large church).  She reminded me that Christians aren't perfect.  I just find it really disconcerting that I can count on one hand the number of people who believe like me.  I've really been struggling with anger.  Then I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of when Jesus broke the commandments down to 2: love God and love people.  Even if I feel like most Christians aren't showing love for others in this pandemic, my job is to love them regardless, even if they aren't following Scripture in this.

8-6-2021 Journal Entry, aka Maine Part 2 and Covid Argument Part 1

The night desk manager was really nice and wrote everything down longhand.  He asked me to come talk to the manager the next day.  He got me some water and snacks and then showed me to my room, which was only 2 doors down.

I woke up the next morning, hearing people talking and the song "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" being played and sung.  And Billy called, saying he hadn't gotten his meds and that his teammates were mad at him because he didn't understand the games so he ran back to his room.  So, I called his leader, the youth pastor, and then the special needs' director.  They got his meds and left him to acclimate for a while.  I got up and got ready and decided to have an easy day and went to Kittery, Maine and visited a Trading Post.  Then I went to Kennebunk and Kennebunkport to see some houses.  The next day, I got up early and drove to Cape Cod and then took a ferry to Martha's Vineyard and watched seagulls fighting over a package of hot dogs and picked up some shells.  I took a ferry to Nantucket but I couldn't find the beach for the shops.  On the ferry back, I was soaked with sea spray.  I got back late.  The next day I got up early to go to Boothbay Harbor to take a cruise out to see Puffins and other birds.  Then I drove to Bangor to see Stephen King's house.  Then I went to Bar Harbor/Acadia National Park and took a sunset cruise.  It ended up raining so no sunset, but we saw seals.  I picked a restaurant and ordered crab cakes and a lobster roll that I ate in the car.  It was delicious.  The rain stopped, so I went and did a little shopping.  When I headed home, I got a phone call from Billy's group leader saying that he had the best news ever, that Billy ha accepted Christ and wanted to be baptized.  I was so happy but cautious.  I could imagine Scott and Sue celebrating in heaven.  It started pouring rain and the 3 1/2 hour drive seemed to last forever.  I didn't get to sleep until 1am, but I had to get up at 4am to drive to Boston, return the car, and get on the plane.  I'd shopped enough, I ended up checking a bag.  I slept through most of the flights.  I arrived at 3:05pm, got my car, and went to get a drink and Billy's meds.  His doctor wanted to change some of his meds to address his violence.  Billy was supposed to arrive at 5, but at 4:15, while I was in line at Walgreen's, he called that he was at the church.  As I arrived, it was pouring.  I parked in the handicap spots as close as I could get.  Billy couldn't find me, so I walked around looking for him.  Found him back at the car, mad and cursing at me for his getting wet which was somehow my fault.  I was disappointed to see the same behavior.  He ended up apologizing because he was mad that he lost his backpack with his wallet inside it.  I called his leader and the youth pastor and they said they'd look for it.  He found his wallet with him and they found his backpack.  He told me he'd felt pressured to pray to accept Christ and he didn't understand, so I took him through the My SharePal app and explained things to him.  He said he believed and wanted to be baptized.  They couldn't do a baptism the first Wednesday because a lot of the kids that went to ONEweek came back with Covid.  So, he's supposed to get baptized next Wednesday and they're working to find a way to disciple him.

I also came home to hear my pastor preaching a series about humility and talking about opinions.  He said he doesn't see why we need a vaccine for an illness that has a 99% survival rate and that he won't force anyone to wear a mask, but if he'd had a a loved one die or if he were an ICU nurse he might have a different opinion.  But opinions aren't worth fighting over.  He definitely presented the anti-masker, anti-vaxxer position the most and got lots of agreement from the crowd.  I was angry.  Arrena asked if I was going to send him a message.  I did:

I met you a few months ago at one of the Dinners with the Pastors events.  I said I was a nee widow whose husband died from Covid.  You told me to call on you if there was ever anything you could do for me.  Today I feel degraded and dismissed.  I respectfully disagree with some of the things that you said in yesterday's sermon.  I understand that your main point was that Christians disagree and fight over opinions, but my husband's death is not an opinion, it's a fact.  It's very hurtful when I hear people say there's a 99% chance of survival when my husband was in the percentage that died.  My husband as more than a number, more than a statistic.  He was a paramedic who saved lives.  He was a follower of Christ that taught me more about the love of the Father than anyone ever has.  He took my children is as his own and raised them even though he never got to hear "daddy" or walk one of my daughters down the aisle.  He gasped for every breath for two weeks but still praised God while he was dying in the hospital alone.  You didn't know him but he was faithful and watched you preach from his hospital bed.  He's still paying for my daughter's upcoming wedding, still providing for me, and still giving to this church.  I know that the Bible says that everyone's days are numbered before there was ever one of them, so I know that those that died would have died regardless of the reason.  But I would hate to be personally responsible for that death because I didn't wear a mask.  We know so little about Covid that we don't know anything about the long term effects of those who do survive.  Myself, my daughter, and my son--our sense of smell has never been the same since we had Covid.  People end up with ringing in their ears or long-term damage to the lungs, heart, kidneys, brain, and other organs.  Just because you don't die doesn't mean Covid won't affect people in profound ways.  I don't wear a mask to protect myself.  I wear a mask to protect others around me.  I wear the mask because I care about others and I think that should be the focus.  As Christians we're told to look to the needs of others not ourselves.  As for the 99%, I think of the passage in Luke 15 where Jesus left the 99 to go after the one.  I'm reminded of Paul's letter to the Corinthians about meat offered to idols: "But take care that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.  For through your knowledge he who is weak is ruined, the brother for whose sake Christ died.  And so, by sinning against the brethren and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ.  Therefore if food causes my brother to stumble, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause my brother to stumble." And "All things are lawful, but not all things edify.  Let no one seek his own good, but that of his neighbor."  We check our liberty where it affects our brother and if that means that we might make someone sick then we should be the first to mask up.  If we say we value life, then why don't e act like it and at the very least cover up our germs?  I know the Bible doesn't say anything specific about Covid but we apply biblical principles to those things that are not covered.  I was going to GriefShare at (my church) but when the leaders started talking about their opinions of Covid, knowing what I'd been through, I quit going.  It was no longer comforting and too hurtful to listen to people say that.  And I have found that the people who are the most insensitive towards me as a widow are those that are Christians.  All I hear is about how their freedoms are being taken away.  I've even been told by a Christian friend that it's my husband's fault he died because he wasn't 100% healthy.  If I wasn't so strong in my faith, that would be a stumbling block to me.  Thankfully my faith is in God, not the church.  It's sad that my husband's death has become fodder for everyone else's opinion.  If my husband had died of cancer, no one would have anything to say, but because Covid is political, everyone thinks they have a right to their opinion.  It shouldn't be political because it's people's lives.  You were right about what you said: if you had lost a family member or friend, you'd have a different opinion.  No one will truly understand unless sthey have to go through it.  And he's not the only one I know that's died.  1% seems a lot bigger when I  know 4 people who have died.  In the end, I guess my point is that wearing masks and being vaccinated shouldn't be an "opinion" amongst Christians.  The question should be "what can I do to help my brother or sister?  What can I do to help those who haven't yet given their life to Christ?

To be continued...

8-4-2021 Journal Entry, aka The New England Vacation, and Maine Part 1

Life's been kind of crazy.  In the beginning of July, I took Billy, Kimberly, Eli, and my mom on a vacation to the New England States.  We landed in Boston (flew first class for the first time in my life), and drove to Philly where we stayed for the first half.  The first full day, we were going to spend 4th of July in DC.  But, between a delayed flight and trouble getting a rental car, we were up late and slept in.  Then we had to drive to DC.  The place I thought we could catch the metrorail was under construction so we had to catch a shuttle to another station.  By the time we got up to the street level, mom was tired and needed a rest.  We were going to have to walk a couple of blocks to catch the night tour.  We were beginning to realize mom couldn't make it and she said she'd just sit on her walker while the rest of us went.  I don't remember what set Billy off, but he started cursing and mom and I got onto him so he started cursing at us.  Mom raised her hand to slap him and I just lost it and smacked him upside the head.  The next thing I knew I was seeing stars.  He'd punched me in the head and then took off down the street.  The streets were so crowded and there was police around, I expected one or both of us to be arrested and I didn't care, but nothing happened.  He texted the group that he only makes things worse, but that sounds like his dad--not sorry, just manipulative.  I started crying and Kim hugged me and said it wasn't my fault.  I felt bad for the car situation the night before (I had forgotten to raise my spend limit and the bank was closed) and I knew that if I'd had Scott's help planning the trip, it would have been better.  By the time Billy came back, the trip was ruined for me.  I didn't want to be around him and I felt I didn't even like my own son.  My head hurt for a solid week.  We decided to give up and go back to the hotel.

The next day we drove to NYC and rode the open top tour bus.  Then we took a river cruise around Manhattan and learned a lot.

The next day, we did a tour of Philadelphia, then we drove to Hershey, PA, to see the Hershey Factory.  I'd hoped one of those days we'd have time to go to Atlantic City, but we didn't.  I also wanted to drive through Amish country, but everyone was tired, so we just went straight back to the hotel.

The next day, we drove back to Boston, but went through Connecticut and Rhode Island.  We stopped in Mystic, CT, where they have a cute little village of shops.  Then we saw some of the mansions in Newport, RI, and then we went to the zoo in Providence.

The next day, we were on a Boston trolley tour.  We were supposed to go to Gloucester to do a whale watch cruise but the tour made us miss it, so we had to reschedule it.  Mom and I wanted to see Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard, but the other 3 wanted to go back to the hotel and we couldn't leave Billy in the room alone.

The next day we drove up New Hampshire and down Vermont.  We stopped in Littleton, NH, and Stowe, VT.  I tried to stop at Ben and Jerry's factory, but no one wanted ice cream.

The next day was supposed to be Maine, but we did the whale watch cruise in Gloucester.  It was really fun.  Tropical Storm Elsa had gone through the day before and they said they'd never had so many sightings.  We saw 2 pods of 4, among others.  They kept popping up on the right side of the boat and we were sitting on the left.  We could all run to the other side, but mom couldn't.  One of the crew told the captain, so he turned the boat around.

The next day, we flew home.

I started calling Billy's school, his therapist, his case worker, his church group leader--anyone to get some help.  My therapist suggested that I had pretty much checked out after Scott died and let Billy do whatever he wanted.  So, I told Billy I was sorry I had checked out but I'm back now and there will be rules and he will follow them or else he can't live with me.  It was like he had taken over and it was all his rules.  I couldn't talk to him without him yelling and cursing at me.  I told him that if he had to go to Ozanam or Gillis, he'd lose his job at Chick-fil-A and his dog.  He started doing better at doing what I said.  He also was working almost every free moment, except Wednesdays with youth group, Saturday mornings (therapy), and when they're closed on Sundays.

At one point, he had a problem with his sister at work and said he was quitting and cussed at his sister.  I told him she's protecting him from being fired but she wanted him transferred to another store.  He freaked out because he likes this store and apologized to her.

Last night he was upset and wailing because he thought he was going to be fired because he was scheduled to close and I came to pick him up at 10 so they told him to go ahead and go.

I was sad I had missed going to Maine and Billy was going to go to ONEweek (church camp), so I decided to go to Maine by myself.  I dropped Billy off early on a Monday morning and I went to the airport.  I just took a carry-on and my backpack,  I thought things were starting off great because I got to watch a Gerard Butler movie on the way to Charlotte, my layover.  I kind of missed first class because I was stuck between two men and one spilled his Dr. Pepper down my pants' leg.  When we got to Charlotte, there were storms there and we were forced into a holding pattern for over an hour.  They were talking about landing somewhere to refuel.  Finally Charlotte cleared us to land.  But, they wouldn't bring out the gate because there was lightning. So we sat for over an hour before they let us off the plane.  They told us not to worry about missing connections because Charlotte wasn't letting anyone take off or land.  I got a text that my connection was canceled and they wanted me to rebook for the next day to Boston.  I looked at alternatives and found one to Manchester, NH and booked it.  It kept being delayed and then the gate changed.  When I got to the new gate, they were boarding for Portland, Maine, which is where I was going to stay.  I thought about seeing if I could change my ticket, but I looked up rental cars there and they were almost double the price.  After more delays, I finally got on a plane.  I was scared I wasn't going to make it to the rental car counter in time.  Most are 24 hour, but this one closed at 1:30am.  We landed at 1am, but we were still taxiing!  And I was about halfway back in the plane.  When I got off I asked the nearest person where the rental cars were and she said the next building over!  I walked as fast as I could and arrived at 1:15.  The only car left was an orange Chevy Equinox.  It was better than the Ford Explorer we had on the last trip.  It was uncomfortable and had more buttons than I could figure out what they did.  I drove to my hotel in Portland and got there about 3:30am.  The system had kicked out my reservation at 2am and the computer was down for monthly maintenance.

To be continued...

6-29-2021 Journal Entry, aka Songs

One Day by Cochren & Co.

One day there'll be no more lives taken too soon.  One day there'll be no more need for a hospital room.  One day every tear that falls will be wiped by His Hand.  We will see the promised land.  Mmm.  Hallelujah, there will be healing from this heartache we've been feeling.  We'll sing in the darkest night 'cause we know that the light will come and there will be healing, hallelujah.

Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns (makes me cry every time)

If I had only known the last time would be the last time I would have put off all the things I had to do.  I would have stayed a little longer, held on a little tighter.  Now what I'd give for one more day with you.  'Cause there's a wound here in my heart where something's missing.  And they tell me that it's gonna heal with time.  But I know you're in a place where all your wounds have been erased and knowing yours are healed is healing mine.  The only scars in Heaven they won't belong to me and you.  There'll be no such thing as broken and all the old will be made new.  And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now.  I know the road you walked was anything but easy.  You picked up your share of scars along the way.  Oh, but now you're standing in the sun, you've fought your fight and your race is run.  The pain is all a million miles away.  There's not a day goes by that I don't see you.  You live on in all the better parts of me.  Until I'm standing with you in the sun, I'll fight this fight and this race I'll run until I finally see what you can see.

6-26-21 Journal Entry, aka Jesse's Girl

Yesterday during PT, they were playing Jesse's Girl, which was a song Scott related to when I was married to Chris.  That's the whole reason he named his dog Jesse.

6-21-2021 Journal Entry, aka Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day and I went to put a "hero" wreath on Scott's grave.  I cried because I miss him and I'm overwhelmed with everything.  But also because I was alone when he was a father to my children.  He was there all the time and paid everything to raise my kids.  And he never had anyone call him "dad" and he'll never have his biggest dream: to walk one of the girls down the aisle.

Today I walked into PT and immediately the song  "Come and Get Your Love" by Redbone started playing.  He used to sing that to me to annoy me (from the movie The Guardians of the Galaxy).  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

6-18-2021 Journal Entry, aka Feeling Better

I bought a new car by myself!  It's a 2019 Nissan Kicks.

I think the doctor has finally got me on a regimen of meds that work.  I feel better.  I'm still tired, no energy, no creativity.

After Scott died, I couldn't listen to music--any music.  I even cried during worship.  Now I've been turning the radio back on and singing along.  When I was at PT for my back the other day, they played an old Chicago song.  Scott and I used to love listening to the band Chicago.  When we were teenagers, our song was "You're the Inspiration."  I was listening to the words "will you still love me for the rest of your life cause I can't go on...if I'm on my own," and thinking about Scott.

6-8-2021 Journal Entry aka How I got Lyme's disease

I bought a house today!  All by myself!  It's for my mom to move up to Kansas City.  My brother will too once he finds (or I find) a house here.  Then I'm going to sell Sue's house.

I had an appointment with a Lyme's nurse practitioner today.  The appointment lasted 3 hours and I brought home a big bag of test kits to do.  Plus 2 pages of labwork to be done.  She thinks in addition to Lyme's I also have Bartonella and Babesia.

I was telling Kimberly's boyfriend about ho I got Lyme's.  The kids hate the story but if I have to have a disease, at least the story should be good.  It reminded me of how Scott always had my back, so I want to share it.

I had an appointment at the GYN and there were doctor's buildings and a hospital all right together.  I had to park across the street in another medical building's parking lot because there was no room.  When I got upstairs and checked in, I couldn't find my phone.  I assumed I'd left it in the car, but it made me anxious the whole time.  It was around Kimberly's birthday and the 4th of July and the moms were in town visiting.  After I was done, I ran downstairs and the phone was not in my car!  I dumped out my purse in the seat, searched the whole car, but it wasn't there.  I began to panic. I retraced my steps, I went into the doctor buildings and the hospital to see if anyone had turned it in.  I went back to the GYN office and asked if I'd left it on the counter, I even rummaged the sofa I'd been sitting on.  I asked to use the phone and called Scott.  We had a tracking app on the phone and he said it appeared to be right where I was.  I had no idea where else to look.  I left my name at the doctor's office and the hospital.  When I left, I felt so lost without it.  When I got home, Scott said the phone had started to move through Overland Park, away from the way I go home, so he started calling it.  After a couple of calls, it started going straight to voicemail.  Someone had turned it off!  Someone had my phone!  Which was crazy because no one should even have wanted my phone!  It was an old model, a Galaxy 5, the screen was broken (something unknown happened to it in my purse), and it had a pink and rainbow zebra case on it.  It was only worth something to ME!  It was my brain and it had my pictures on it.  It was password protected, so useless to anyone.  We figured a kid had picked it up.  But I was dejected.

Later, I had been looking up ways to wipe it remotely and the tracking app showed it back on and at Longview Lake.  I was so mad!  I wanted my phone, so I said I was going down there.  Scott said if I insisted on going, he would drive me.  One of the moms asked what would happen if it wasn't a kid and the person was violent.  I was feeling pretty violent myself, so I grabbed a big pole we used to take the cover off the patio umbrella.  Scott went to the bedroom and I didn't know he'd gotten his gun out of his gun safe.  He said if things did get violent, he wanted to be prepared to back me up.  In my mind, I saw a crowd standing around at the lake and me using my laptop to set off the phone and catching someone's pocket ringing.  Then explain THAT to a crowd of onlookers!  As we got in the car and zoomed off, we didn't speak and I could hear "Bad Boys" playing in my head.

When we got there, it looked like it was in this brush behind a building.  Adrenaline was pumping and I jumped out with my pole, despite Scott's protest.  Adrenaline took me about halfway into the woods before I got tired and common sense started to ask, "What. Are. You. Doing?"  I fell in a small creek and had recently hurt my back, so I had to use the pole to get back up.  I pressed on in the mud, until I reached a wall of brush with no break in it.  At that point, I decided to call it quits.  I turned around to go back, but decided another route was easier.  It wasn't.  There were stickers so bad, it was like they were reaching out to me.  By the time I came out of the clearing, a little ways down the road from where I went in, I was scratched and cut and muddy.  Scott was gone!  He'd heard a commotion and thought maybe some kids were crashing out of the brush, scared that way by my thrashing, so he went searching.  We decided it was probably deer.  The tracker seemed to be moving, so we drove all over the area, looking.  We even flagged down a park ranger and told him what was going on.  Meanwhile I was sending messages to the phone, hoping to scare the kid: "We just want the phone.  Leave it somewhere and we won't call the police.  We know you're at Longview Lake and we're tracking you."  e could see the battery getting lower and lower, so I finally sent the command to remote wipe the phone before I lost the chance and we left.

That night, I found a tick on me, so Scott checked me and found 3.  The next day, I found another one, so he checked me again and found 3 more.  No idea where they'd been hiding!  One on the back of my thigh itched for a year.  That's when we went to the doctor because I had a bout of depression and extreme exhaustion, plus more symptoms that I never would have connected to ticks.

I miss having adventures with Scott.

5-22-2021 Journal Entry, aka 6 Month Anniversary

Just when I thought I was doing really good with my depression and feeling pretty good, today was the 6 month anniversary of Scott's death.  I've been aware of every anniversary, but didn't cry.  Today I fell completely apart.  The other day I felt a stab in the heart going through his workbench drawer.  Last night I thought this can't possibly be 6 months.  I mean, I know it is because it's spring not fall, but it really feels like it's only last month, like I've lost time.  I started crying when I went to pick up a Sam's order and I was irritable with mother the girls.  By the time I got home, I just went to bed and sobbed like it was the first week all over again.  Then the girls decided not to leave me/Billy alone.  Arrena went to Grace's wedding and left Kimberly and Eli until she got a hold of Paul to come over and watch Billy until she got back.  I just wanted to be left alone.

5-6-2021 Journal Entry, aka Update

It's been a while since I journaled.  Looking back at my entries, I think I am doing better.  My doctor has changed my meds a couple of times.  Maybe they are working or maybe it's me getting more involved in church.

I went to the Next Steps group and learned more about the church and took the SHAPE (spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, experience) assessment.  I was still confused about where I fit in.  Then I went to Group Connect.  I got into a group of older single ladies, but then that group merged with one that had married ladies.  It's a small group and we're going to recruit more.

I quit going to GriefShare.  It was almost done anyway, but the last few weeks I was there, they kept expressing opinions about Covid and it was hurtful.  No one would say anything to or in front of the others dealing with grief but because it's Covid, everyone thinks they're entitled to their opinion.  I spoke with the leader and she apologized profusely.  She said she'd address it.

The guy I wrote about that said he felt God wanted him to tell me that He gave me Scott to be a symbol of His love for me: I really thought long on that.  He didn't know my story, but he was right.  Scott saved me when I was in trouble.  He treated me kindly and gently.  He encouraged me to keep my mind on Christ.  He took care of me then and for the future.  A husband is supposed to be a picture of God and His love for the church and Scott was.

I'm looking at houses for my mom and my brother here in KC.  We're dealing with major foundation trouble with that house.  Mom doesn't really want to move up here but my brother and I agree it would be best.  The problem is that the market is so crazy, houses are selling quick and for over asking price.  I feel a little anxious and overwhelmed.  I'm praying if it's God's Will, it'll work out.  Mom is praying that if it's His Will for her to come here, I'll find a place and if it's not, I won't.

Arrena is busy preparing for the wedding.  My mom came up a few weeks ago and Arrena tried on wedding dresses.  Then last weekend we went to Wichita to buy fabric.

Kimberly came back home to live during the week.  On weekends she stays with her boyfriend.  She quit school because she has been dealing with major anxiety.  One night I had to take her to the ER at Research.  I hadn't been back since Scott died.  I had a flashback at security and about lost it.  She's got an appointment with a therapist and she's on some meds that seem to be helping.

Billy has had a couple of meltdowns.  One, he hit Arrena, bit her, and pulled her hair, so I had to call 911 and then take him to Children's Mercy.  It was the day before he turned 16.  His therapist he'd bonded with left for a new job and we still haven't heard from the new one yet.  And his Community Integration staff just changed too.  He also went back to school full time in person.

Arrena, Kimberly, and I have had both of our Covid vaccines and Billy will have his second next week.  After the second, I had flu-like symptoms the next day, but now I'm fine.

4-12-2021 Journal Entry, aka A Word of Encouragement

Tonight at GriefShare, a man told me he felt like God wanted him to tell me that He gave Scott to me as a symbol of His love. 

3-4-2021 Journal Entry, aka Psychiatrist

Yesterday Billy was off school so I had to take him with me to therapy.  I told her how I'd been feeling since GriefShare.  She told me to sit in that feeling and share it with God.  She also drew from what I was saying several things that I "am", when I said I was concerned with my identity.

My psychiatrist was pretty concerned and talked about hospitalizing me again.  I don't have Scott to watch Billy for me and Arrena went to Nebraska last night for a few days.  I told him I wasn't a danger to myself.  He tabled that suggestion for now.  He talked about doing some intensive outpatient treatment.  I don't even know how I would do that with Billy being hybrid with school.  Then he really scared me and brought up electro-convulsive therapy.  He said it would be like hitting a reset button and I would be sedated for it.  The thing that really got me was he said that they'd do it at Research, which is where Scott died.  He had some ideas for med changes and for now doubled the dose of what I'm on.  After I got off telehealth with him, I cried for an hour.  It's the first time I've cried in weeks.  I texted Jessica and she calmed me down.

3-2-2021 Journal Entry, aka New Dog

Sometimes I wonder if my depression leaves me numb and emotionless or do I just not cry as much because...  God is my strength?  I know I have hope in Christ to see my husband again?  I know I can't compare my journey to anyone else's, but I feel like I cry less than other widows.  Why is that?

I finally remembered to text the lady Isidro wanted me to talk to.  She called me and we talked for two and a half hours.  Is this my purpose?

We DID get a dog Sunday.   The first one Billy picked out had some behavior issues that were red flags, so they suggested Riley.  We met him and Billy loved him, so we took him home and Billy renamed him Patrick after Patrick Mahomes.  He's a Shepherd/Basset mix, so he has a big body with short little legs.  Arrena and Paul went with us to meet him and Kimberly and Eli met us at the house to see him.  They were all playing in the back yard.  It was strange bringing in a new member of the family that has never known Scott, but also nice to see something bring everyone together.  Kimberly took Billy and Patrick to PetCo.  We're signed up for obedience classes starting next week.

3-1-2021 Journal Entry, aka Why Me, God?

I don't even know how to start writing what I'm feeling.  I went to GriefShare tonight and something reminded me of my dad, so I told a little of that story.  The gasps when I said I found him dead and decomposing hit me.  There's so much in my life.  My divorce--being cheated on multiple times, being given an STD, being strangled after being stalked, custody battles, no child support.  My losses--my dad, my grandparents, my husband.  My health and mental health--Lyme's disease, my back injury, depression/being suicidal, PTSD (twice), borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and more.  Financial issues.  My son being special needs and having to fight for him his whole life and now being alone to do it.  My daughter running from God and being scared she'll never turn around.  Not knowing who I am when I'm not Scott's wife or Arrena, Kimberly, and Billy's mom.  Trying to figure out where I fit in at church because I know I need to, but more confused than ever.

In my previous marriage, I felt like Hosea, taking back the husband that left me for so many other women.  Now I feel like Job.  Why is my life so screwed up?  Why do all these bad things happen to me?  I know the answer for Job was for God to get the glory.  How does God get glory from all the broken pieces of my life and how do I give it to Him?  I want to honor God and give Him glory, but how?  And how much can one person bear?  I know, there must be people that have it worse.  I just don't know how much more broken I can be.  I feel like David in the Psalms when he asks, "How long Lord?"  Whatever I may want, I can't die yet because I have a son to raise, if I can get motivated to actually parent him.  And right now I have a hard time praying for Jesus' return because I'm unsure of the souls of 2 of my children.  When will all my suffering be over?  I still have a mom to lose.  Three children.  What will I lose next?  Do I have to live 40, 50 more years in this pain?  This is not my home and I know 40-50 years is a vapor compared to eternity, but from this end, it seems interminable.  What do I still need to learn or do that I haven't?  Please God, answer my prayer: save my children and let me go home.  That's all I want.

2-26-2021 Journal Entry, aka What to Do

The siding is done, just waiting on that vent cover and the gutters.

I've been having a lot of anxiety this week.  I have a PRN anxiety pill which I mostly don't use.  The other day I took 2 in one day.

Isidro gave me a phone number (looks local) of a widow who lost her husband 2 months after me in the hopes we'll hit it off.  I'm sort of nervous about texting a stranger out of the blue, but who knows--we could become friends.

I found a Christian widows group online, so that's helpful, rather than all the "medium" talk.  I'm still a part of the Widows of Covid-19 group and post some godly quotes or devotional stuff there, praying to be a witness, but I'm leaning more on the Christian group.

Sunday we went on a tour of the church after taking an assessment of our spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, and experiences to try to find where we fit to serve.  I'm still confused about where I fit in.  My "host" suggested I go to a discipleship class before I decide.

A friend asked me to take pictures at her grandma's 90th birthday.  I was terrified and I don't know why.  My friend Jessica talked me into it until I realized it's the same weekend as Billy's spring break, my planned trip to Wichita, and a ladies' retreat a friend is planning.  Why are they all the same weekend?  I can never say no, so I seriously tried to figure out how to do everything.  I want to get out, I just get so worn out when I do.

And I think we've decided on getting a pet dog.  I told Billy my requirements and he picked one from the shelter website.  I called and left a message about it today.

2-23-2021 Journal Entry, aka Frustrated and Overwhelmed

Yesterday marked 3 months that Scott's been gone.  Today would have been my dad's birthday.  My siding is going up well, but it's so loud, I've been driven to my room.  The banging is so much, it's knocking stuff off the walls.  I thought I might try cleaning my room, but I just couldn't do it.  There's so much I need to do, but I just can't motivate myself to do it.  I've been walking every day, but so far it's not helping.

I'm so frustrated with everything.  My health insurance, when I applied, asked for my income.  I looked at how much my investments had grown and gave that amount.  Now they want proof of my income to maintain my discount.  It turns out I had no income in 2020, it was all in Scott's name.  They want me to estimate what my income will be in 2021.  Is that taxable income or nontaxable?  The life insurance and workman's comp is nontaxable.  I have no idea what the investments will make--we're still buying shares.  And then there's another fund I was applying for, asking for my income and expenses.  Taxable or nontaxable or all of it?  I don't know!  And I'm supposed to make some decisions about stocks to buy and I don't know.  My head is so clouded with money stuff that I'm freaking out.  The insurance says if I'm wrong with my figures, I could end up paying at tax time.  I don't know what to do.

Then Billy's therapist yesterday started asking him what we do together that's not video game related.  Nothing!  Because I have a bad back and I'm severely depressed and grieving.  I'm barely keeping both of us alive.

Tonight I went out to look at the siding, which is pretty much done and I found they've covered my bathroom exhaust vent.  I think the guy tried to tell me but I didn't understand.  Now it makes sense because he was showing me vent covers.  I should have asked him to show me.  Scott would have handled this better.

I'm just so overwhelmed and flustered.

2-18-2021 Journal Entry, aka Dog?

It's just been a blech day all around.  I didn't feel great to start with and then I got an email that Billy wasn't approved for the service dog I applied for.  They only work with kids 5-13.  I thought maybe it wasn't a hard and fast rule, but apparently it is.  I went to a lot of trouble to apply and get letters of recommendation.  I feel so deflated.  I looked at a few other places out of state and the waiting list was 4-5 YEARS.  I don't know whether to just get him a pet and try to get it certified as a support animal or what.  He wants a pug, but I want something bigger.  He wants a puppy and I do adult rescues.  I just don't know what to do.  And I don't want to go through "what happens when/if he moves out."  It's just frustrating.

2-17-2021 Journal Entry, aka Exercise

We finished putting my treadmill together and the past 2 days, I've walked a mile each.  I'm hoping some exercise will release some endorphins and help me with my depression and energy.  I have so much I need to do but the motivation is just not there.  Hoping also to lose some weight in a healthy way.

I applied for another fund yesterday and I already heard back today that I was approved for money towards his funeral and encouraging me to apply for phase 2.

Some of the ladies in my widows' group are talking about consulting mediums.  I have no idea if I should stay with this group or not.  How do I minister to them?  At least I'm not "sorrowing as ones who have no hope."

2-14-2021 Journal Entry, aka Valentine's Day

I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day, but I didn't realize how pervasive it was until this year.  I've been avoiding Facebook posts like the plague.  Scott always got me and the girls flowers.  He got them for the girls so they'd grow up, knowing what treatment to expect from a good man.  He often recruited Billy to help to teach him the right way to treat women.  I'm forever thankful that he tried to teach/show my children things like this.  My Facebook memories was full of flowers he'd gotten me over the years.  A couple of weeks ago, I saw a picture of a bouquet he got me just because I was having a hard day.  He was so good to me and I miss him.

The big excitement today was that Paul (my daughter's boyfriend) asked Arrena to marry him.  I knew it was going to be today.  He came over a few weeks ago to get my blessing and talked over plans with me.  It wasn't a surprise to Arrena, but now it's official.  Seems so soon for me to enter the phase of life where I have a son-in-law.  I'm still wrapping my head around empty nesting.  I wish Scott could be here to see her down the aisle and for grandkids, when they come.  It's not fair he did so much of the work and doesn't get to see the end result.  He deserved a place of honor.

2-13-2021 Journal Entry, aka Self Care

Prepare for real raw.  I am struggling so much with self-care right now.  And I don't mean pampering myself.  I mean getting dressed, eating, and taking showers.  I just don't have the motivation.  I struggled with this (except the eating) while Scott was still alive--it's part of my depression.  Getting out of bed is struggle enough.  The rest feels unnecessary unless I have to go somewhere and be presentable.  Sometimes I hear Scott in my head saying, "go brush your teeth."  Sometimes I do, but other times I stubbornly refuse.  "I'm already in bed," or "you're not here to care."  Sometimes the biggest thing I can manage in a day is to shower and put on real clothes.  To be honest, sometimes I change my pajamas just so Arrena won't notice I haven't showered and changed.  And sometimes I'm just scared of the shower.  Because, sometimes when I'm in there, the emotions overwhelm me and I cry and there are times when I don't have time for that or just can't handle it.

2-12-2021 Journal Entry, aka Early Valentine's Gift

Billy asked me to help him clear some land on Minecraft.  Minecraft was something Scott and I and Billy did together.  I've only been on briefly to set something up for Billy since Scott died.  At first I said no, I didn't feel like it, but then I felt guilty so I said ok.  It was cathartic just to break blocks.  I should have known that from before when I was playing with my depression, but I'd forgotten.  And I had no desire to log on without Scott.  But, I should learn from Scott--even when he was in the hospital, he logged on a couple of times to "be" with Billy.  Then Billy wanted to play games and I ended up with a headache.  Maybe too much for one day.

Arrena and Billy gave me an early Valentine's gift.  I knew they'd been working on a secret project that involved Windex, the printer, and my paint brushes.  Scott always got me and the girls flowers for Valentine's Day, even though I've never been really big on Valentine's Day.  He wanted to show all three of us how we should be valued.  He often recruited Billy to help teach him how men should treat women.  The kids got me roses and put them in a vase they had mod podged with pictures of me and Scott.  It immediately made me cry.  The sweetness of the gesture with all the memories and never getting flowers from him again was overwhelming.  They did a great job.  I'm just overly emotional.  There was lots of hugging.

Arrena told me that 3 days before Christmas, Billy had come to her and had the idea to put pictures of us in a book for me.  This was sort of a compromise.

2-11-2021 Journal Entry, aka Not a Good Day

Billy got to go to school today so I went to the bank and Union Station to pick up a Chiefs/Royals picture I ordered.  I made a phone call and even talked to a lawyer today (who suggested a different lawyer), but I don't feel like, "yay, I did something today."  Even while I was out, I just wanted to be back home.  What's at home? Nothing. I sit.

One really bad thing about the widow group I'm in is when they start asking spiritual questions.  I have those answers, but how do you comfort someone that most likely lost their loved one to hell?  I just can't.  I don't know what to say.

I dropped a whole casserole upside-down in the oven.  The kids ate it anyway.  I couldn't I felt so sick.  I just feel like crap today.  It's just not a good day.

I have this stack of grief books and some days I just can't read them because I can't deal with my own grief.

I haven't taken Scott's stuff off our shared phone calendars, so it still shows all the days he's supposed to be at work.  The past to weeks, he was supposed to be "on call."  His last "on call" for the sign up period.  It's both a comfort and and knife to the heart seeing "Scott on call" on my phone.  And upsetting that it's going to be gone in a couple of days.  Such a small thing but they all add up.

2-10-2021 Journal Entry, aka Broken Pieces

Last night I watched a sermon about broken pieces.  It was really encouraging to me.  And two verses keep popping up: II Corinthians 12:9 "And he has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." and Romans 8:18-23 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.  For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it , in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.  For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now.  And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body."  I'm still struggling, but I know God is there with me and He'll make something from these broken pieces.

Billy had a bad morning today and I wasn't very patient.  He got out with his "person" a little while ago.  I've been so anxious for time without him, but now that he's gone, I can't think what to do.  That seems to be my constant problem.  I have no interest in anything anymore.

Since Scott died, I've been praying for a dream about him so I could be with him again, even if it's just in my mind.  Finally last night I dreamed we were shopping for motorhomes.  It felt good to be with him.  Even if yesterday and today have been marked by crying, missing him.

2-9-2021 Journal Entry, aka Hating Life

I hate this.  I hate my life.  I know I shouldn't say that but it's true.  I just sleep and scroll through Facebook.  I know I need purpose, but what?

One of the other widows on the Facebook group said she feels like the wrong parent died.  I feel kind of the same.  November 2019 I was in the hospital for being suicidal.  A year later, my husband dies.  And I'm jealous.  I'm the one that wanted to die, wanted to escape this world and this depression, to go home to be with the Lord.  Why did he get to go?  My head tells me that God still has a plan for me, but my heart is tired.  I can't even pray for him to come quickly because I'm not sure of the souls of two of my kids.  I can work on Billy, but Kimberly is mostly up to God.

To make matters worse, the weather is bad right now.  There's only a little snow, but the temps are so low, they're cancelling school, GriefShare, youth group.  So, we're stuck at home.  Even though there's not much snow, it sounds like the roads are bad with lots of accidents.  My siding going up has hit a standstill.

The Chiefs lost the Superbowl.  I felt anxious about the game all week instead of excited.  I wanted them to win for Scott, but just didn't happen this year.

I have a stack of grief books, but I don't understand how to grieve "well" or "lean into your grief" or "choose" to grieve in order to heal.  I didn't think I had a choice.

What I need to know is how to keep going.  How do I get up out of this recliner and do something--anything!  I have so much to do and no energy.  My brain feels like mush too.  I have paperwork I need to fill out and I can't concentrate on it.

I hate that I feel this way.  The other day I ran across a Facebook memory from 8 years ago that Arrena posted: "When life gets hard and you feel all alone, remember you mean the world to someone and that someone calls you mom."  I wish I could be stronger for them.

2-6-2021 Journal Entry, aka Afraid

My GriefShare workbook wants me to journal about fears for the future.  I'm afraid of mismanaging money, which is probably stupid.  I'm mostly afraid of being alone which is so silly because I like being alone.  I think it's more not having a purpose that scares me.  And whether I can finally kick this depression after over a year and a new loss that makes me feel hopeless.  I guess I don't like being completely alone.  I like having time to myself to do what I want to do.  But I do need people now and then.  I'm afraid of not regaining my interests and just having a meaningless life.  Right now I just try to make it through each day to the next sleep, so I can do it all over again.  That's not living.  And I'm afraid of needing someone when I'm walking alone.  I miss Scott doing life with me, even if I was depressed and we didn't do much.  I had my best friend, my cheerleader, my helper with me no matter what.  I'm afraid of being without that.  I'm afraid of making decisions by myself.

How to help someone who's grieving

https://refugeingrief.com/helper-overview/

2-3-2021 Journal Entry, aka Therapists and Doctors

I went to therapy.  I cried before, during, and after therapy.

I had my telehealth doctor's appointment and he classified me as "severe major depressive disorder" with a side of new PTSD from Scott's death.  He said it may take a couple of weeks to get the insurance company its prior authorization, but he'd give me something similar in the meanwhile.  He said I've proven to be difficult to treat since I have been ineffective with 4 classes of meds.

Billy went out with his "person" tonight for the first time.  They couldn't go to church (waiting on background check), so they got to know each other going to pet shops and GameStop.  Next week, he'll start going to youth group.

2-2-2021 Journal Entry, aka Groups

Arrena sent me a news story about a Facebook group for widows of Covid.  I joined it but I'm not sure yet if I like it.  It's hard to read your story over and over again.  But, it's also nice to have people who understand what it's like to have gone through this disease and come out different.  It's nice to feel understood and commiserate with others who've had people trivialize their loss by asking what the underlying condition was.  Most of these people who died were healthy until they got Covid.

I started going to GriefShare at the church's counseling center last night.  I had a hard time even getting out of the car and I definitely cried.  But, again, it's nice to have someone to talk to because sometimes I feel like a burden to my friends and family.  I feel like they avoid the topic to keep me from feeling bad.  But, I feel bad all the time.  But, do they want to hear it all the time?  Maybe I'm the one really avoiding it.  I don't know.

Billy watched Iron Man tonight.  It was the last movie Scott watched in the hospital, so it made me cry.  I need my antidepressants back so bad.  Tomorrow's my appointment, I pray he can get insurance approval.

Today they started working on my siding.  I had to do a bunch of paperwork with my financial advisor today.  And the church got my tithe check, so they called to talk to me and pray with me.

1-28-2021 Journal Entry, aka Brief Update

I paid off the mortgage today.  And I wrote a tithe check, so I'm feeling broke.

And tired.  I can't get enough sleep.  I think it's the depression, I don't know.

1-27-2021 Journal Entry, aka Angry and Unmedicated

I just feel mad today.  About everything.  So I pretty much napped all day.  I filled out a form for another fund.  I messed up a form and left it for another day.  And I was told I forgot to sign a form, a month later.  I don't know if this rage is from being off my anti-depressant or what.  I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week and he was going to bump my dose on one that seemed to be helping and wean me off one that wasn't.  I called them back, having forgotten to give them my new insurance only to find out they don't take my new insurance.  Then the pharmacy said that the new insurance wants prior authorization, so there's been calls to my now "old" psychiatrist to try to get it approved.  Email from Walgreen's this morning said still trouble with insurance, so now I'm left out of my good med cold turkey.  I'm glad between the doc, the pharmacy, and the insurance that someone cares about the recently-suicidal, newly widowed woman who's off her meds cold turkey.

1-25-2021 Journal Entry, aka The Chiefs

The Chiefs won the AFC championship yesterday and are going to the Superbowl!  I didn't cry, but 3 friends messaged me to either check on me or to say how happy Scott would be.  Their soul/spirit has to be the same in heaven.  Do you suppose they have the same interests?  Scott loved watching Chiefs' football.  I wonder if he still enjoys it or are there more important things to take up all his time for eternity.

1-23-2021 Journal Entry, aka Money

I've been worried about how I'm spending money and it dawned on me today that I can still know how Scott would respond.  He'd definitely want me to have a treadmill and side the house.  I can still hear his voice in my head, telling me it's ok to spend the life insurance money on things I need and want.

I talked to a friend that was both our friends today and for some reason, it made me cry.

1-22-2021 Journal Entry, aka Home Improvement

It's been 2 months today.  How has 2 months gone by so fast?  It feels like it was just last week.  I thought about taking a day for me by going to the nail salon, but I broke a toenail.  I took a nap, then made phone calls about siding and remodeling the bathroom.  I signed a contract yesterday to build a sun room.  Now I just need to get done the necessities instead of my "wants."

1-20-2021 Journal Entry, aka Decisions

I've been going along fine the past couple of days and today I just feel sad.  I had a couple of meetings and therapy so I'm worn out.  Tara hugged me and told me I looked sad before I realized it.  I have so many money and life questions and no one to share that burden.  Do I do this or not?  Should I buy this or not?  How do I...?  I'm already tired of being alone.  I guess I was from the beginning.  People aren't supposed to do life alone.  We're meant to do life together.  I feel a lot of fear about the future and about being alone with no protector.  Am I safe?  And we know I suck at small decisions like Billy and the x-box.  How can I handle the big stuff?  Sheesh, I just had therapy today.  I have to wait two more weeks to ask these things.  She'd probably tell me one step at a time.  And now I'm sitting here crying.  I just feel so much weight on my shoulders.  Please, God, help me make good decisions.

1-17-2021 Journal Entry, aka Meet the Pastors

I was going along okay, watching the Chiefs' playoff game and then when it was over, I started to cry.  I miss Scott being there to yell at the TV with me.

We went to church this morning and tonight we went to "Dinner with the Pastors".  It was nice in a mega church to be able to meet our actual pastor.  It's hard to not talk about Scott though because that's the biggest, glaring thing in my life.  Then I feel bad because, number one, sympathy immediately follows, and number two, I feel like I've hijacked the conversation away from the couple Billy and I were sitting with.

1-16-2021 Journal Entry, aka Mail

Yesterday I got a package from a lady I used to go to church with, with a devotional, $100, a children's book, 2 jars of strawberry jam, and a small jar with a mustard seed in it.

I also got a final paycheck for Scott which I thought I had already gotten.  This was for an "I day" (injury day) for when he was in the hospital.  Apparently I will be getting more from that from Blue Cross Blue Shield.

1-14-2021 Journal Entry, aka From One Day to the Next

You know yesterday I didn't feel anything,  I read my grief books and there was no emotion.  This morning I woke up and it smacks me between the eyes.

1-12-2021 Journal Entry, aka News About Workman's Comp

I was really tired this morning so I went back to bed after Billy went to school.

When I got up, I took a shower and had a zoom meeting with Billy's new therapist.

Then Tara stopped by with some news.  She said that workman's comp was going to pay all of the medical bills and was going to pay me every month until I die or get remarried, which isn't an option for me.

Tara told me later that I'd looked pretty and had been glowing.  She said she always sees me in leggings and a t-shirt, but I was dressed.  I was dressed in leggings and a sweatshirt .  Usually I'm wearing PJ's if I don't have to leave the house, but I had the zoom meeting and groceries to pick up today.  I didn't have the heart to tell her today was my first shower in 4 days.

1-11-2021 Journal Entry, aka Life Insurance

I got the two life insurance checks in the mail today, so it took a little over 6 weeks.  One was dated in December but they must have held it to be sent with the one dated last week.  My purse felt very heavy with those checks in there.

I also picked up up my van from the shop which is strange for me because Scott always handled the vehicle repairs.

Then Tara came over to get some paperwork from me.  I asked her to explain to me what's going on with the arbitration and what does "Line of Duty" mean.  So, my understanding is that the federal government doesn't include dispatchers as first responders so the fire chief denied the claim that this was a "line of duty death", even though she called it that in the press release and in her speech to the press.  The head of the city's HR denied it, stating he wasn't in "fire suppression", which makes no sense because paramedics and EMTs don't put out fires and they would count as first responders.  The union has taken it to arbitration because he still had paramedic credentials and could have been put in the field at any time.  LODD or "Line of Duty Death" would give me monthly pay until I reached the age where I could draw out of his 401(a).  They are concurrently working on a workman's comp claim and a federal "LODD" claim.

My daughter Arrena and I had a long talk about a lot of things, but first off, she told me she wasn't moving to Michigan.  At least not now, that's the plan.  We talked about a lot of things but that's all I want to write about for now.

1-10-2021 Journal Entry, aka Reading Material

Last night, Billy and I stayed the night at our friend's house.  It was Billy's first real sleepover and he had fun.  I stayed because they live a little far and to give him his meds.

I hadn't cried in a week, but I did tonight.  I got a new book about grieving the loss of a spouse and in the first paragraph, it had me.  I don't know if I like the format, but it does have truth to it and shows I'm not alone.  One thing that really caught at my heart was when it asked how a heart that has become one can split in two again.  It says this is why it hurts--because your heart is torn from your spouse.

My devotional reiterated something I knew but needed reminding of.  Our "reality" is a lie and loss brings us back to knowing that life isn't on OUR terms.  It reminds me of the Natalie Grant song "Held": "Who told us we'd be rescued?  What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?  We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live.  It's unfair.  This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.  This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held."  The song always reminded me of something sweeping you off your feet, off a cliff and God reaching down to catch you.

1-7-2021 Journal Entry, aka Little Updates

Yesterday was Billy's first day back at school.  I also had a therapy appointment and went with Kimberly to get her tags for her car.  She had to euthanize her fish because I had sprayed the room with disinfectant and some must have landed in the tank because the fish was getting spots and dying.

Tara told me on the phone that she got her first dose of the Covid vaccination last week.  They offered it by age to those still qualified to work on the ambulance.  So, Scott could have had it, but it's 2 months too late.  I don't know if he would have taken it anyway--he never got flu shots.

I was so tired, I went to bed when Billy did, didn't listen to my nightly audiobook and slept 12 hours.

We had a Zoom meeting today about Billy's Community Integration and ISD services (I don't remember what it stands for, something like independent skills development, I think).  They should start in the next couple of weeks with going to youth group and volunteering at either the zoo or an animal shelter, in addition to teaching him basic skills to be an independent, functioning adult.

I haven't cried in 3 days, I think.  I say that and I'll prob bawl tonight.

Not to say my depression is gone.  It was here before I lost Scott.  I think I am going to really have to push myself to get through it.  Though I was pushing before and it wasn't helping.

I feel accomplished if I do one thing, like put groceries away or do the dishes or cook dinner without calling DoorDash.  I need to push to do more.  Tomorrow I have to organize the living room because Kimberly wants to clean it on Saturday.  It's very cluttered.

I got an email that the life insurance check is on the way.  I didn't know how long to expect.

1-5-2021 Journal Entry, aka Sleeping

My sleeping is so out of whack.  At first, I was waking up too early or in the middle of the night.  Now I'm sleeping too much.  Today I slept until almost 2pm.

1-4-2021 Journal Entry, aka How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

Saturday night, we were invited over to a friend's house for dinner.  I think it is the best thing that someone has done for me.  Not to say that the home-delivered meals or money contributions weren't wonderful gestures of kindness, but someone getting me out of the house was the best.  Someone taking time to notice and think of us.

I also went back to church yesterday morning (we've been watching online for months).  It felt good to go back.  People that choose not to wear masks make me incredibly sad.  The music got me choked up.  It was a lot of being out and about for 2 days, so I came home and took a long nap and the Chiefs lost.

1-3-2021 Journal Entry, Handling the Meltdowns

Tonight we had another huge meltdown with Billy over the xbox so I took it away.  He called me a <expletives> and threatened to hit me.  I warned him that if this behavior continued I'd have to call the police to take him to the hospital.  I should have done so.  He refused to stay in his room and kept yelling profanities.  I locked myself in my room since he wouldn't stay in his.  Then he turned to weeping over his xbox and threatening to kill himself.  He kept knocking at my door, wanting "to talk" and slipped a note under the door that said, "I'm sorry mom," but he's only sorry about losing the xbox.  Meanwhile, I'm in my room weeping and sobbing, asking why Scott left me behind.  I need him for these things.  He could handle this or we'd tag team when one of us were at our breaking point.  He'd have never let Billy have the xbox, so why did I?  Survival mode is what my therapist would say.  But now I've created this monster.  It's my own fault.  And now he's worn himself out and fell asleep and I'm still sitting up crying.  Arrena's not going to live here for the next 2 1/2 years until Billy is grown.  How can I do this without Scott?

1-1-2021 Journal Entry, aka Thoughts on Death

Arrena's been in Michigan all week.  It's been quiet without her and without her boyfriend coming over.  She motivates me, so I've been slacking on cooking and I nap a lot.  I'm bored.  I'd watch TV but Billy's taken it over with the xbox.  I'll be glad when school picks back up so there's a schedule.  Weekends and holidays don't help depression.

I've caught myself thinking of "bright sides" of Scott being gone.  How ridiculous and awful.  I feel guilty.  But maybe those things can help me keep going and moving forward.  For example, up until his mom died, we lived paycheck to paycheck.  He tithed to the church but wasn't one to be generous to strangers and give money away.  I am.  But I didn't have money of my own to give.  Now I can and that gives me purpose.  Sometimes I get it backward and fear I wished him gone.  But, it's not that.  I'd give almost anything to have him back.  I'm just making the best of a bad situation.

I know I'm not the first or only person to lose a spouse and many have lost children, which I can't fathom.  But sometimes it feels like I'm in utter darkness alone.  I feel like a burden if I talk about him or my grief.  If I post about our anniversary or it being one month that he's been gone, I'm not looking for pity or even sympathy, but remembering him the only way I know how.  And sharing how I'm feeling with friends, so I don't feel so alone.

Because of "The Fall", it's so common to lose those we love.  But it doesn't feel common when you go through it.

1-1-2021 Journal Entry, aka How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

I'm glad to be going to my friend's house tomorrow for dinner.  I think some people don't know what to do for someone who's grieving, but for me, getting out of the house is something to look forward to.  More people should invite out someone grieving.  I'm not going to move, but here I am surrounded by things that remind me he lived here (his shoes, his toothpaste, his vitamins, etc.) but also things that remind me he's gone, like the cased folded flags and the empty side of the bed.  But then I carry around my phone which still has reminders.  My calendar app still has all his work days, vacation, and on call weeks listed.  I can't bring myself to erase them.  Every time Facebook tells me I have memories, he's always included.  But, I suppose the good memories are better than his death.