9-10-2021 Journal Entry, aka Too Much All at Once

Geez, there's so much, I can tell this is going to be word vomit.

Today was the Fallen Firefighter's Memorial.  They put the 3 names they lost to Covid on the memorial.  I hate the bagpipes playing Amazing Grace--it always makes me cry.  I met one of the other widows and her condition is just heartbreaking.  You can just see grief written all over her.  I gave her my phone number.

Billy is in the hospital.  Last week he made two threats on text to kill someone with a knife he got from a friend.  The first one was while I was teaching small group.  I put a parental app on his phone and found the second threat about a classmate along with music he was listening to that was vile.  I confronted him when he came home and he got angry and started cussing at me and Arrena and saying hateful things to me and about Scott.  He poured his root beer on my chair and the floor.  Arrena and I tried to restrain him.  Patrick was barking and I thought Billy would calm down when he reached to hug Patrick, but he said he was running away and shoved me out of the way.  We let him go, but he came back and went straight to the knife drawer, which I didn't realize was unlocked, and grabbed a knife and held it to his throat and said he was going to kill himself because no one loved him.  I grabbed the knife while Arrena grabbed him.  I was trying to find my phone to call the doctor's office crisis line, but I couldn't find it, so we called police from Arrena's phone.  They took him to Research and I followed.  I stayed with him until about 5:15am then went home to sleep and go to my discipleship class.  I had to fill out paperwork for him to go to KVC, then I went back and his bed was in the hallway.  He was bored so I went to Dollar Tree and got him some activity books.  Then I went back home.  He went to KVC in the morning.  I've talked to him every day.  The first day, he had to be sedated.  The second day he had to be isolated.  Last night he told me that he's trying to be good so he can come home and see me and the dog.  Kimberly told me she's afraid for all of us and that I should turn him over to the state.  She said I haven't been there as a mom they needed because I was too busy with Billy.  And she's right.  I didn't get to be the mom I wanted to be.  Once a therapist drew a pie chart and said I spend 90% of my resources (time, energy, money) on Billy and the other 10% is what I have left for both my kids, my husband, myself, friends, etc.  Would Kim be different if I'd been there for her?  I started crying because I have spent 16 years trying to prevent us from getting exactly where we are now.  I've wasted 16 years.  And I didn't help any of my 3 kids.  She started talking about her dad and Sarah and how they act different in front of Arrena and Paul, but to her they still badmouth me and reward her with attention if she badmouths me and Scott.  I knew this wedding was going to be difficult but now I feel like everything I do will be scrutinized to make fun of later.  It's too much.  There's just too much going on.  It's been 12 years--why can't he move on?  I told Billy's therapist at KVC my concerns that things are only getting worse and that we're scared of it escalating.  She suggested I call DCS, so I did today.  I have no idea what they can do or what to expect.  They're supposed to call me in 24 hours.  Billy didn't call me tonight.  His nurse did--he punched 2 boys in the face and threw chairs at staff.  They put him in isolation.

8-14-2021 Journal Entry, aka Billy's Baptism

Billy was baptized Wednesday but he didn't want us to come or to sit with us and nearly made a scene.  As I watched some of the kids being baptized, I started crying.  Partly it was his attitude toward us and wondering if he really changed/repented.  Partly I was thinking about Scott and Sue and what they were doing.  And partly I watched some kids opt to have their parent baptize them and I wondered what they did differently because none of mine wanted me to do it.  Billy didn't even want me there.  What did I do wrong that these kids are closer to their parents than I am to mind?  I know all my screw ups, but am I the only one making mistakes? I'm trying so hard and have all their lives.

Billy's continuing this attitude today, saying at least he works and I just sit on my ass.  He also called me a fucking whore.  I'm so tired of the disrespect and I'm tired of my husband's money supporting us all still, yet Kim doesn't acknowledge it and Billy just doesn't get it.  Without me and Scott's provision, there's no money for food, internet, video games, cell phone, gas to drive him around, etc.

8-7-2021 Journal Entry, aka Covid Argument Part 2

The reply I got wasn't exactly what I'd hoped.  For a sermon on humility, I didn't see much of that in the response.  He admitted in church he has a problem with pride.  I didn't find any personal responsibility in his reply.  No "I'm sorry my words hurt you."  Not even and acknowledgment of my Bible verses.  Some of it seemed like he didn't even read all of my email.  Here's the reply:

Thank you for sharing your feedback with me, Robin.  I am deeply sorry for your loss and the hurt you're experiencing.  I tried to articulate both sides of the issue in my sermon.  At one point, I said that if I had a family member or someone close to me who died of Covid, I would see it differently.  I totally understand your perspective, and the whole point is there are multiple perspectives, all of which are valid, depending on how Covid has affected someone personally.  I think everyone in a situation like this is allowed to have their own opinion and make their own decisions.  I am very sad for your loss, Robin, and for everything you have gone through with your husband's passing.  I am praying for you and for God's blessing and comfort as you grieve.  God bless you.

I was very angry, both at him and the majority of Christians who don't take this seriously.  It's not a matter of opinion to me--it's a difference of right and wrong.  I was hesitant to talk to my therapist about it but she seemed to understand my point of view.  I didn't tell her it was specifically my Pastor, just that it was someone I looked up to and respected and was in a position of authority.  She may have guessed.  But she talked about creating boundaries with him but I don't know how you do that with your pastor (I go to an extremely large church).  She reminded me that Christians aren't perfect.  I just find it really disconcerting that I can count on one hand the number of people who believe like me.  I've really been struggling with anger.  Then I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of when Jesus broke the commandments down to 2: love God and love people.  Even if I feel like most Christians aren't showing love for others in this pandemic, my job is to love them regardless, even if they aren't following Scripture in this.

8-6-2021 Journal Entry, aka Maine Part 2 and Covid Argument Part 1

The night desk manager was really nice and wrote everything down longhand.  He asked me to come talk to the manager the next day.  He got me some water and snacks and then showed me to my room, which was only 2 doors down.

I woke up the next morning, hearing people talking and the song "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" being played and sung.  And Billy called, saying he hadn't gotten his meds and that his teammates were mad at him because he didn't understand the games so he ran back to his room.  So, I called his leader, the youth pastor, and then the special needs' director.  They got his meds and left him to acclimate for a while.  I got up and got ready and decided to have an easy day and went to Kittery, Maine and visited a Trading Post.  Then I went to Kennebunk and Kennebunkport to see some houses.  The next day, I got up early and drove to Cape Cod and then took a ferry to Martha's Vineyard and watched seagulls fighting over a package of hot dogs and picked up some shells.  I took a ferry to Nantucket but I couldn't find the beach for the shops.  On the ferry back, I was soaked with sea spray.  I got back late.  The next day I got up early to go to Boothbay Harbor to take a cruise out to see Puffins and other birds.  Then I drove to Bangor to see Stephen King's house.  Then I went to Bar Harbor/Acadia National Park and took a sunset cruise.  It ended up raining so no sunset, but we saw seals.  I picked a restaurant and ordered crab cakes and a lobster roll that I ate in the car.  It was delicious.  The rain stopped, so I went and did a little shopping.  When I headed home, I got a phone call from Billy's group leader saying that he had the best news ever, that Billy ha accepted Christ and wanted to be baptized.  I was so happy but cautious.  I could imagine Scott and Sue celebrating in heaven.  It started pouring rain and the 3 1/2 hour drive seemed to last forever.  I didn't get to sleep until 1am, but I had to get up at 4am to drive to Boston, return the car, and get on the plane.  I'd shopped enough, I ended up checking a bag.  I slept through most of the flights.  I arrived at 3:05pm, got my car, and went to get a drink and Billy's meds.  His doctor wanted to change some of his meds to address his violence.  Billy was supposed to arrive at 5, but at 4:15, while I was in line at Walgreen's, he called that he was at the church.  As I arrived, it was pouring.  I parked in the handicap spots as close as I could get.  Billy couldn't find me, so I walked around looking for him.  Found him back at the car, mad and cursing at me for his getting wet which was somehow my fault.  I was disappointed to see the same behavior.  He ended up apologizing because he was mad that he lost his backpack with his wallet inside it.  I called his leader and the youth pastor and they said they'd look for it.  He found his wallet with him and they found his backpack.  He told me he'd felt pressured to pray to accept Christ and he didn't understand, so I took him through the My SharePal app and explained things to him.  He said he believed and wanted to be baptized.  They couldn't do a baptism the first Wednesday because a lot of the kids that went to ONEweek came back with Covid.  So, he's supposed to get baptized next Wednesday and they're working to find a way to disciple him.

I also came home to hear my pastor preaching a series about humility and talking about opinions.  He said he doesn't see why we need a vaccine for an illness that has a 99% survival rate and that he won't force anyone to wear a mask, but if he'd had a a loved one die or if he were an ICU nurse he might have a different opinion.  But opinions aren't worth fighting over.  He definitely presented the anti-masker, anti-vaxxer position the most and got lots of agreement from the crowd.  I was angry.  Arrena asked if I was going to send him a message.  I did:

I met you a few months ago at one of the Dinners with the Pastors events.  I said I was a nee widow whose husband died from Covid.  You told me to call on you if there was ever anything you could do for me.  Today I feel degraded and dismissed.  I respectfully disagree with some of the things that you said in yesterday's sermon.  I understand that your main point was that Christians disagree and fight over opinions, but my husband's death is not an opinion, it's a fact.  It's very hurtful when I hear people say there's a 99% chance of survival when my husband was in the percentage that died.  My husband as more than a number, more than a statistic.  He was a paramedic who saved lives.  He was a follower of Christ that taught me more about the love of the Father than anyone ever has.  He took my children is as his own and raised them even though he never got to hear "daddy" or walk one of my daughters down the aisle.  He gasped for every breath for two weeks but still praised God while he was dying in the hospital alone.  You didn't know him but he was faithful and watched you preach from his hospital bed.  He's still paying for my daughter's upcoming wedding, still providing for me, and still giving to this church.  I know that the Bible says that everyone's days are numbered before there was ever one of them, so I know that those that died would have died regardless of the reason.  But I would hate to be personally responsible for that death because I didn't wear a mask.  We know so little about Covid that we don't know anything about the long term effects of those who do survive.  Myself, my daughter, and my son--our sense of smell has never been the same since we had Covid.  People end up with ringing in their ears or long-term damage to the lungs, heart, kidneys, brain, and other organs.  Just because you don't die doesn't mean Covid won't affect people in profound ways.  I don't wear a mask to protect myself.  I wear a mask to protect others around me.  I wear the mask because I care about others and I think that should be the focus.  As Christians we're told to look to the needs of others not ourselves.  As for the 99%, I think of the passage in Luke 15 where Jesus left the 99 to go after the one.  I'm reminded of Paul's letter to the Corinthians about meat offered to idols: "But take care that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.  For through your knowledge he who is weak is ruined, the brother for whose sake Christ died.  And so, by sinning against the brethren and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ.  Therefore if food causes my brother to stumble, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause my brother to stumble." And "All things are lawful, but not all things edify.  Let no one seek his own good, but that of his neighbor."  We check our liberty where it affects our brother and if that means that we might make someone sick then we should be the first to mask up.  If we say we value life, then why don't e act like it and at the very least cover up our germs?  I know the Bible doesn't say anything specific about Covid but we apply biblical principles to those things that are not covered.  I was going to GriefShare at (my church) but when the leaders started talking about their opinions of Covid, knowing what I'd been through, I quit going.  It was no longer comforting and too hurtful to listen to people say that.  And I have found that the people who are the most insensitive towards me as a widow are those that are Christians.  All I hear is about how their freedoms are being taken away.  I've even been told by a Christian friend that it's my husband's fault he died because he wasn't 100% healthy.  If I wasn't so strong in my faith, that would be a stumbling block to me.  Thankfully my faith is in God, not the church.  It's sad that my husband's death has become fodder for everyone else's opinion.  If my husband had died of cancer, no one would have anything to say, but because Covid is political, everyone thinks they have a right to their opinion.  It shouldn't be political because it's people's lives.  You were right about what you said: if you had lost a family member or friend, you'd have a different opinion.  No one will truly understand unless sthey have to go through it.  And he's not the only one I know that's died.  1% seems a lot bigger when I  know 4 people who have died.  In the end, I guess my point is that wearing masks and being vaccinated shouldn't be an "opinion" amongst Christians.  The question should be "what can I do to help my brother or sister?  What can I do to help those who haven't yet given their life to Christ?

To be continued...

6-29-2021 Journal Entry, aka Songs

One Day by Cochren & Co.

One day there'll be no more lives taken too soon.  One day there'll be no more need for a hospital room.  One day every tear that falls will be wiped by His Hand.  We will see the promised land.  Mmm.  Hallelujah, there will be healing from this heartache we've been feeling.  We'll sing in the darkest night 'cause we know that the light will come and there will be healing, hallelujah.

Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns (makes me cry every time)

If I had only known the last time would be the last time I would have put off all the things I had to do.  I would have stayed a little longer, held on a little tighter.  Now what I'd give for one more day with you.  'Cause there's a wound here in my heart where something's missing.  And they tell me that it's gonna heal with time.  But I know you're in a place where all your wounds have been erased and knowing yours are healed is healing mine.  The only scars in Heaven they won't belong to me and you.  There'll be no such thing as broken and all the old will be made new.  And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now.  I know the road you walked was anything but easy.  You picked up your share of scars along the way.  Oh, but now you're standing in the sun, you've fought your fight and your race is run.  The pain is all a million miles away.  There's not a day goes by that I don't see you.  You live on in all the better parts of me.  Until I'm standing with you in the sun, I'll fight this fight and this race I'll run until I finally see what you can see.

6-26-21 Journal Entry, aka Jesse's Girl

Yesterday during PT, they were playing Jesse's Girl, which was a song Scott related to when I was married to Chris.  That's the whole reason he named his dog Jesse.

6-21-2021 Journal Entry, aka Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day and I went to put a "hero" wreath on Scott's grave.  I cried because I miss him and I'm overwhelmed with everything.  But also because I was alone when he was a father to my children.  He was there all the time and paid everything to raise my kids.  And he never had anyone call him "dad" and he'll never have his biggest dream: to walk one of the girls down the aisle.

Today I walked into PT and immediately the song  "Come and Get Your Love" by Redbone started playing.  He used to sing that to me to annoy me (from the movie The Guardians of the Galaxy).  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

6-18-2021 Journal Entry, aka Feeling Better

I bought a new car by myself!  It's a 2019 Nissan Kicks.

I think the doctor has finally got me on a regimen of meds that work.  I feel better.  I'm still tired, no energy, no creativity.

After Scott died, I couldn't listen to music--any music.  I even cried during worship.  Now I've been turning the radio back on and singing along.  When I was at PT for my back the other day, they played an old Chicago song.  Scott and I used to love listening to the band Chicago.  When we were teenagers, our song was "You're the Inspiration."  I was listening to the words "will you still love me for the rest of your life cause I can't go on...if I'm on my own," and thinking about Scott.

5-22-2021 Journal Entry, aka 6 Month Anniversary

Just when I thought I was doing really good with my depression and feeling pretty good, today was the 6 month anniversary of Scott's death.  I've been aware of every anniversary, but didn't cry.  Today I fell completely apart.  The other day I felt a stab in the heart going through his workbench drawer.  Last night I thought this can't possibly be 6 months.  I mean, I know it is because it's spring not fall, but it really feels like it's only last month, like I've lost time.  I started crying when I went to pick up a Sam's order and I was irritable with mother the girls.  By the time I got home, I just went to bed and sobbed like it was the first week all over again.  Then the girls decided not to leave me/Billy alone.  Arrena went to Grace's wedding and left Kimberly and Eli until she got a hold of Paul to come over and watch Billy until she got back.  I just wanted to be left alone.

5-6-2021 Journal Entry, aka Update

It's been a while since I journaled.  Looking back at my entries, I think I am doing better.  My doctor has changed my meds a couple of times.  Maybe they are working or maybe it's me getting more involved in church.

I went to the Next Steps group and learned more about the church and took the SHAPE (spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, experience) assessment.  I was still confused about where I fit in.  Then I went to Group Connect.  I got into a group of older single ladies, but then that group merged with one that had married ladies.  It's a small group and we're going to recruit more.

I quit going to GriefShare.  It was almost done anyway, but the last few weeks I was there, they kept expressing opinions about Covid and it was hurtful.  No one would say anything to or in front of the others dealing with grief but because it's Covid, everyone thinks they're entitled to their opinion.  I spoke with the leader and she apologized profusely.  She said she'd address it.

The guy I wrote about that said he felt God wanted him to tell me that He gave me Scott to be a symbol of His love for me: I really thought long on that.  He didn't know my story, but he was right.  Scott saved me when I was in trouble.  He treated me kindly and gently.  He encouraged me to keep my mind on Christ.  He took care of me then and for the future.  A husband is supposed to be a picture of God and His love for the church and Scott was.

I'm looking at houses for my mom and my brother here in KC.  We're dealing with major foundation trouble with that house.  Mom doesn't really want to move up here but my brother and I agree it would be best.  The problem is that the market is so crazy, houses are selling quick and for over asking price.  I feel a little anxious and overwhelmed.  I'm praying if it's God's Will, it'll work out.  Mom is praying that if it's His Will for her to come here, I'll find a place and if it's not, I won't.

Arrena is busy preparing for the wedding.  My mom came up a few weeks ago and Arrena tried on wedding dresses.  Then last weekend we went to Wichita to buy fabric.

Kimberly came back home to live during the week.  On weekends she stays with her boyfriend.  She quit school because she has been dealing with major anxiety.  One night I had to take her to the ER at Research.  I hadn't been back since Scott died.  I had a flashback at security and about lost it.  She's got an appointment with a therapist and she's on some meds that seem to be helping.

Billy has had a couple of meltdowns.  One, he hit Arrena, bit her, and pulled her hair, so I had to call 911 and then take him to Children's Mercy.  It was the day before he turned 16.  His therapist he'd bonded with left for a new job and we still haven't heard from the new one yet.  And his Community Integration staff just changed too.  He also went back to school full time in person.

Arrena, Kimberly, and I have had both of our Covid vaccines and Billy will have his second next week.  After the second, I had flu-like symptoms the next day, but now I'm fine.

4-12-2021 Journal Entry, aka A Word of Encouragement

Tonight at GriefShare, a man told me he felt like God wanted him to tell me that He gave Scott to me as a symbol of His love. 

3-2-2021 Journal Entry, aka New Dog

Sometimes I wonder if my depression leaves me numb and emotionless or do I just not cry as much because...  God is my strength?  I know I have hope in Christ to see my husband again?  I know I can't compare my journey to anyone else's, but I feel like I cry less than other widows.  Why is that?

I finally remembered to text the lady Isidro wanted me to talk to.  She called me and we talked for two and a half hours.  Is this my purpose?

We DID get a dog Sunday.   The first one Billy picked out had some behavior issues that were red flags, so they suggested Riley.  We met him and Billy loved him, so we took him home and Billy renamed him Patrick after Patrick Mahomes.  He's a Shepherd/Basset mix, so he has a big body with short little legs.  Arrena and Paul went with us to meet him and Kimberly and Eli met us at the house to see him.  They were all playing in the back yard.  It was strange bringing in a new member of the family that has never known Scott, but also nice to see something bring everyone together.  Kimberly took Billy and Patrick to PetCo.  We're signed up for obedience classes starting next week.