Geez, there's so much, I can tell this is going to be word vomit.
Today was the Fallen Firefighter's Memorial. They put the 3 names they lost to Covid on the memorial. I hate the bagpipes playing Amazing Grace--it always makes me cry. I met one of the other widows and her condition is just heartbreaking. You can just see grief written all over her. I gave her my phone number.
Billy is in the hospital. Last week he made two threats on text to kill someone with a knife he got from a friend. The first one was while I was teaching small group. I put a parental app on his phone and found the second threat about a classmate along with music he was listening to that was vile. I confronted him when he came home and he got angry and started cussing at me and Arrena and saying hateful things to me and about Scott. He poured his root beer on my chair and the floor. Arrena and I tried to restrain him. Patrick was barking and I thought Billy would calm down when he reached to hug Patrick, but he said he was running away and shoved me out of the way. We let him go, but he came back and went straight to the knife drawer, which I didn't realize was unlocked, and grabbed a knife and held it to his throat and said he was going to kill himself because no one loved him. I grabbed the knife while Arrena grabbed him. I was trying to find my phone to call the doctor's office crisis line, but I couldn't find it, so we called police from Arrena's phone. They took him to Research and I followed. I stayed with him until about 5:15am then went home to sleep and go to my discipleship class. I had to fill out paperwork for him to go to KVC, then I went back and his bed was in the hallway. He was bored so I went to Dollar Tree and got him some activity books. Then I went back home. He went to KVC in the morning. I've talked to him every day. The first day, he had to be sedated. The second day he had to be isolated. Last night he told me that he's trying to be good so he can come home and see me and the dog. Kimberly told me she's afraid for all of us and that I should turn him over to the state. She said I haven't been there as a mom they needed because I was too busy with Billy. And she's right. I didn't get to be the mom I wanted to be. Once a therapist drew a pie chart and said I spend 90% of my resources (time, energy, money) on Billy and the other 10% is what I have left for both my kids, my husband, myself, friends, etc. Would Kim be different if I'd been there for her? I started crying because I have spent 16 years trying to prevent us from getting exactly where we are now. I've wasted 16 years. And I didn't help any of my 3 kids. She started talking about her dad and Sarah and how they act different in front of Arrena and Paul, but to her they still badmouth me and reward her with attention if she badmouths me and Scott. I knew this wedding was going to be difficult but now I feel like everything I do will be scrutinized to make fun of later. It's too much. There's just too much going on. It's been 12 years--why can't he move on? I told Billy's therapist at KVC my concerns that things are only getting worse and that we're scared of it escalating. She suggested I call DCS, so I did today. I have no idea what they can do or what to expect. They're supposed to call me in 24 hours. Billy didn't call me tonight. His nurse did--he punched 2 boys in the face and threw chairs at staff. They put him in isolation.
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