1-28-2021 Journal Entry, aka Brief Update

I paid off the mortgage today.  And I wrote a tithe check, so I'm feeling broke.

And tired.  I can't get enough sleep.  I think it's the depression, I don't know.

1-27-2021 Journal Entry, aka Angry and Unmedicated

I just feel mad today.  About everything.  So I pretty much napped all day.  I filled out a form for another fund.  I messed up a form and left it for another day.  And I was told I forgot to sign a form, a month later.  I don't know if this rage is from being off my anti-depressant or what.  I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week and he was going to bump my dose on one that seemed to be helping and wean me off one that wasn't.  I called them back, having forgotten to give them my new insurance only to find out they don't take my new insurance.  Then the pharmacy said that the new insurance wants prior authorization, so there's been calls to my now "old" psychiatrist to try to get it approved.  Email from Walgreen's this morning said still trouble with insurance, so now I'm left out of my good med cold turkey.  I'm glad between the doc, the pharmacy, and the insurance that someone cares about the recently-suicidal, newly widowed woman who's off her meds cold turkey.

1-25-2021 Journal Entry, aka The Chiefs

The Chiefs won the AFC championship yesterday and are going to the Superbowl!  I didn't cry, but 3 friends messaged me to either check on me or to say how happy Scott would be.  Their soul/spirit has to be the same in heaven.  Do you suppose they have the same interests?  Scott loved watching Chiefs' football.  I wonder if he still enjoys it or are there more important things to take up all his time for eternity.

1-23-2021 Journal Entry, aka Money

I've been worried about how I'm spending money and it dawned on me today that I can still know how Scott would respond.  He'd definitely want me to have a treadmill and side the house.  I can still hear his voice in my head, telling me it's ok to spend the life insurance money on things I need and want.

I talked to a friend that was both our friends today and for some reason, it made me cry.

1-22-2021 Journal Entry, aka Home Improvement

It's been 2 months today.  How has 2 months gone by so fast?  It feels like it was just last week.  I thought about taking a day for me by going to the nail salon, but I broke a toenail.  I took a nap, then made phone calls about siding and remodeling the bathroom.  I signed a contract yesterday to build a sun room.  Now I just need to get done the necessities instead of my "wants."

1-20-2021 Journal Entry, aka Decisions

I've been going along fine the past couple of days and today I just feel sad.  I had a couple of meetings and therapy so I'm worn out.  Tara hugged me and told me I looked sad before I realized it.  I have so many money and life questions and no one to share that burden.  Do I do this or not?  Should I buy this or not?  How do I...?  I'm already tired of being alone.  I guess I was from the beginning.  People aren't supposed to do life alone.  We're meant to do life together.  I feel a lot of fear about the future and about being alone with no protector.  Am I safe?  And we know I suck at small decisions like Billy and the x-box.  How can I handle the big stuff?  Sheesh, I just had therapy today.  I have to wait two more weeks to ask these things.  She'd probably tell me one step at a time.  And now I'm sitting here crying.  I just feel so much weight on my shoulders.  Please, God, help me make good decisions.

1-17-2021 Journal Entry, aka Meet the Pastors

I was going along okay, watching the Chiefs' playoff game and then when it was over, I started to cry.  I miss Scott being there to yell at the TV with me.

We went to church this morning and tonight we went to "Dinner with the Pastors".  It was nice in a mega church to be able to meet our actual pastor.  It's hard to not talk about Scott though because that's the biggest, glaring thing in my life.  Then I feel bad because, number one, sympathy immediately follows, and number two, I feel like I've hijacked the conversation away from the couple Billy and I were sitting with.

1-16-2021 Journal Entry, aka Mail

Yesterday I got a package from a lady I used to go to church with, with a devotional, $100, a children's book, 2 jars of strawberry jam, and a small jar with a mustard seed in it.

I also got a final paycheck for Scott which I thought I had already gotten.  This was for an "I day" (injury day) for when he was in the hospital.  Apparently I will be getting more from that from Blue Cross Blue Shield.

1-14-2021 Journal Entry, aka From One Day to the Next

You know yesterday I didn't feel anything,  I read my grief books and there was no emotion.  This morning I woke up and it smacks me between the eyes.

1-12-2021 Journal Entry, aka News About Workman's Comp

I was really tired this morning so I went back to bed after Billy went to school.

When I got up, I took a shower and had a zoom meeting with Billy's new therapist.

Then Tara stopped by with some news.  She said that workman's comp was going to pay all of the medical bills and was going to pay me every month until I die or get remarried, which isn't an option for me.

Tara told me later that I'd looked pretty and had been glowing.  She said she always sees me in leggings and a t-shirt, but I was dressed.  I was dressed in leggings and a sweatshirt .  Usually I'm wearing PJ's if I don't have to leave the house, but I had the zoom meeting and groceries to pick up today.  I didn't have the heart to tell her today was my first shower in 4 days.

1-11-2021 Journal Entry, aka Life Insurance

I got the two life insurance checks in the mail today, so it took a little over 6 weeks.  One was dated in December but they must have held it to be sent with the one dated last week.  My purse felt very heavy with those checks in there.

I also picked up up my van from the shop which is strange for me because Scott always handled the vehicle repairs.

Then Tara came over to get some paperwork from me.  I asked her to explain to me what's going on with the arbitration and what does "Line of Duty" mean.  So, my understanding is that the federal government doesn't include dispatchers as first responders so the fire chief denied the claim that this was a "line of duty death", even though she called it that in the press release and in her speech to the press.  The head of the city's HR denied it, stating he wasn't in "fire suppression", which makes no sense because paramedics and EMTs don't put out fires and they would count as first responders.  The union has taken it to arbitration because he still had paramedic credentials and could have been put in the field at any time.  LODD or "Line of Duty Death" would give me monthly pay until I reached the age where I could draw out of his 401(a).  They are concurrently working on a workman's comp claim and a federal "LODD" claim.

My daughter Arrena and I had a long talk about a lot of things, but first off, she told me she wasn't moving to Michigan.  At least not now, that's the plan.  We talked about a lot of things but that's all I want to write about for now.

1-10-2021 Journal Entry, aka Reading Material

Last night, Billy and I stayed the night at our friend's house.  It was Billy's first real sleepover and he had fun.  I stayed because they live a little far and to give him his meds.

I hadn't cried in a week, but I did tonight.  I got a new book about grieving the loss of a spouse and in the first paragraph, it had me.  I don't know if I like the format, but it does have truth to it and shows I'm not alone.  One thing that really caught at my heart was when it asked how a heart that has become one can split in two again.  It says this is why it hurts--because your heart is torn from your spouse.

My devotional reiterated something I knew but needed reminding of.  Our "reality" is a lie and loss brings us back to knowing that life isn't on OUR terms.  It reminds me of the Natalie Grant song "Held": "Who told us we'd be rescued?  What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?  We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live.  It's unfair.  This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.  This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held."  The song always reminded me of something sweeping you off your feet, off a cliff and God reaching down to catch you.

1-7-2021 Journal Entry, aka Little Updates

Yesterday was Billy's first day back at school.  I also had a therapy appointment and went with Kimberly to get her tags for her car.  She had to euthanize her fish because I had sprayed the room with disinfectant and some must have landed in the tank because the fish was getting spots and dying.

Tara told me on the phone that she got her first dose of the Covid vaccination last week.  They offered it by age to those still qualified to work on the ambulance.  So, Scott could have had it, but it's 2 months too late.  I don't know if he would have taken it anyway--he never got flu shots.

I was so tired, I went to bed when Billy did, didn't listen to my nightly audiobook and slept 12 hours.

We had a Zoom meeting today about Billy's Community Integration and ISD services (I don't remember what it stands for, something like independent skills development, I think).  They should start in the next couple of weeks with going to youth group and volunteering at either the zoo or an animal shelter, in addition to teaching him basic skills to be an independent, functioning adult.

I haven't cried in 3 days, I think.  I say that and I'll prob bawl tonight.

Not to say my depression is gone.  It was here before I lost Scott.  I think I am going to really have to push myself to get through it.  Though I was pushing before and it wasn't helping.

I feel accomplished if I do one thing, like put groceries away or do the dishes or cook dinner without calling DoorDash.  I need to push to do more.  Tomorrow I have to organize the living room because Kimberly wants to clean it on Saturday.  It's very cluttered.

I got an email that the life insurance check is on the way.  I didn't know how long to expect.

1-5-2021 Journal Entry, aka Sleeping

My sleeping is so out of whack.  At first, I was waking up too early or in the middle of the night.  Now I'm sleeping too much.  Today I slept until almost 2pm.

1-4-2021 Journal Entry, aka How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

Saturday night, we were invited over to a friend's house for dinner.  I think it is the best thing that someone has done for me.  Not to say that the home-delivered meals or money contributions weren't wonderful gestures of kindness, but someone getting me out of the house was the best.  Someone taking time to notice and think of us.

I also went back to church yesterday morning (we've been watching online for months).  It felt good to go back.  People that choose not to wear masks make me incredibly sad.  The music got me choked up.  It was a lot of being out and about for 2 days, so I came home and took a long nap and the Chiefs lost.

1-3-2021 Journal Entry, Handling the Meltdowns

Tonight we had another huge meltdown with Billy over the xbox so I took it away.  He called me a <expletives> and threatened to hit me.  I warned him that if this behavior continued I'd have to call the police to take him to the hospital.  I should have done so.  He refused to stay in his room and kept yelling profanities.  I locked myself in my room since he wouldn't stay in his.  Then he turned to weeping over his xbox and threatening to kill himself.  He kept knocking at my door, wanting "to talk" and slipped a note under the door that said, "I'm sorry mom," but he's only sorry about losing the xbox.  Meanwhile, I'm in my room weeping and sobbing, asking why Scott left me behind.  I need him for these things.  He could handle this or we'd tag team when one of us were at our breaking point.  He'd have never let Billy have the xbox, so why did I?  Survival mode is what my therapist would say.  But now I've created this monster.  It's my own fault.  And now he's worn himself out and fell asleep and I'm still sitting up crying.  Arrena's not going to live here for the next 2 1/2 years until Billy is grown.  How can I do this without Scott?

1-1-2021 Journal Entry, aka Thoughts on Death

Arrena's been in Michigan all week.  It's been quiet without her and without her boyfriend coming over.  She motivates me, so I've been slacking on cooking and I nap a lot.  I'm bored.  I'd watch TV but Billy's taken it over with the xbox.  I'll be glad when school picks back up so there's a schedule.  Weekends and holidays don't help depression.

I've caught myself thinking of "bright sides" of Scott being gone.  How ridiculous and awful.  I feel guilty.  But maybe those things can help me keep going and moving forward.  For example, up until his mom died, we lived paycheck to paycheck.  He tithed to the church but wasn't one to be generous to strangers and give money away.  I am.  But I didn't have money of my own to give.  Now I can and that gives me purpose.  Sometimes I get it backward and fear I wished him gone.  But, it's not that.  I'd give almost anything to have him back.  I'm just making the best of a bad situation.

I know I'm not the first or only person to lose a spouse and many have lost children, which I can't fathom.  But sometimes it feels like I'm in utter darkness alone.  I feel like a burden if I talk about him or my grief.  If I post about our anniversary or it being one month that he's been gone, I'm not looking for pity or even sympathy, but remembering him the only way I know how.  And sharing how I'm feeling with friends, so I don't feel so alone.

Because of "The Fall", it's so common to lose those we love.  But it doesn't feel common when you go through it.

1-1-2021 Journal Entry, aka How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

I'm glad to be going to my friend's house tomorrow for dinner.  I think some people don't know what to do for someone who's grieving, but for me, getting out of the house is something to look forward to.  More people should invite out someone grieving.  I'm not going to move, but here I am surrounded by things that remind me he lived here (his shoes, his toothpaste, his vitamins, etc.) but also things that remind me he's gone, like the cased folded flags and the empty side of the bed.  But then I carry around my phone which still has reminders.  My calendar app still has all his work days, vacation, and on call weeks listed.  I can't bring myself to erase them.  Every time Facebook tells me I have memories, he's always included.  But, I suppose the good memories are better than his death.