Yesterday Billy was off school so I had to take him with me to therapy. I told her how I'd been feeling since GriefShare. She told me to sit in that feeling and share it with God. She also drew from what I was saying several things that I "am", when I said I was concerned with my identity.
My psychiatrist was pretty concerned and talked about hospitalizing me again. I don't have Scott to watch Billy for me and Arrena went to Nebraska last night for a few days. I told him I wasn't a danger to myself. He tabled that suggestion for now. He talked about doing some intensive outpatient treatment. I don't even know how I would do that with Billy being hybrid with school. Then he really scared me and brought up electro-convulsive therapy. He said it would be like hitting a reset button and I would be sedated for it. The thing that really got me was he said that they'd do it at Research, which is where Scott died. He had some ideas for med changes and for now doubled the dose of what I'm on. After I got off telehealth with him, I cried for an hour. It's the first time I've cried in weeks. I texted Jessica and she calmed me down.
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