I hate this. I hate my life. I know I shouldn't say that but it's true. I just sleep and scroll through Facebook. I know I need purpose, but what?
One of the other widows on the Facebook group said she feels like the wrong parent died. I feel kind of the same. November 2019 I was in the hospital for being suicidal. A year later, my husband dies. And I'm jealous. I'm the one that wanted to die, wanted to escape this world and this depression, to go home to be with the Lord. Why did he get to go? My head tells me that God still has a plan for me, but my heart is tired. I can't even pray for him to come quickly because I'm not sure of the souls of two of my kids. I can work on Billy, but Kimberly is mostly up to God.
To make matters worse, the weather is bad right now. There's only a little snow, but the temps are so low, they're cancelling school, GriefShare, youth group. So, we're stuck at home. Even though there's not much snow, it sounds like the roads are bad with lots of accidents. My siding going up has hit a standstill.
The Chiefs lost the Superbowl. I felt anxious about the game all week instead of excited. I wanted them to win for Scott, but just didn't happen this year.
I have a stack of grief books, but I don't understand how to grieve "well" or "lean into your grief" or "choose" to grieve in order to heal. I didn't think I had a choice.
What I need to know is how to keep going. How do I get up out of this recliner and do something--anything! I have so much to do and no energy. My brain feels like mush too. I have paperwork I need to fill out and I can't concentrate on it.
I hate that I feel this way. The other day I ran across a Facebook memory from 8 years ago that Arrena posted: "When life gets hard and you feel all alone, remember you mean the world to someone and that someone calls you mom." I wish I could be stronger for them.
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