9-10-2021 Journal Entry, aka Too Much All at Once

Geez, there's so much, I can tell this is going to be word vomit.

Today was the Fallen Firefighter's Memorial.  They put the 3 names they lost to Covid on the memorial.  I hate the bagpipes playing Amazing Grace--it always makes me cry.  I met one of the other widows and her condition is just heartbreaking.  You can just see grief written all over her.  I gave her my phone number.

Billy is in the hospital.  Last week he made two threats on text to kill someone with a knife he got from a friend.  The first one was while I was teaching small group.  I put a parental app on his phone and found the second threat about a classmate along with music he was listening to that was vile.  I confronted him when he came home and he got angry and started cussing at me and Arrena and saying hateful things to me and about Scott.  He poured his root beer on my chair and the floor.  Arrena and I tried to restrain him.  Patrick was barking and I thought Billy would calm down when he reached to hug Patrick, but he said he was running away and shoved me out of the way.  We let him go, but he came back and went straight to the knife drawer, which I didn't realize was unlocked, and grabbed a knife and held it to his throat and said he was going to kill himself because no one loved him.  I grabbed the knife while Arrena grabbed him.  I was trying to find my phone to call the doctor's office crisis line, but I couldn't find it, so we called police from Arrena's phone.  They took him to Research and I followed.  I stayed with him until about 5:15am then went home to sleep and go to my discipleship class.  I had to fill out paperwork for him to go to KVC, then I went back and his bed was in the hallway.  He was bored so I went to Dollar Tree and got him some activity books.  Then I went back home.  He went to KVC in the morning.  I've talked to him every day.  The first day, he had to be sedated.  The second day he had to be isolated.  Last night he told me that he's trying to be good so he can come home and see me and the dog.  Kimberly told me she's afraid for all of us and that I should turn him over to the state.  She said I haven't been there as a mom they needed because I was too busy with Billy.  And she's right.  I didn't get to be the mom I wanted to be.  Once a therapist drew a pie chart and said I spend 90% of my resources (time, energy, money) on Billy and the other 10% is what I have left for both my kids, my husband, myself, friends, etc.  Would Kim be different if I'd been there for her?  I started crying because I have spent 16 years trying to prevent us from getting exactly where we are now.  I've wasted 16 years.  And I didn't help any of my 3 kids.  She started talking about her dad and Sarah and how they act different in front of Arrena and Paul, but to her they still badmouth me and reward her with attention if she badmouths me and Scott.  I knew this wedding was going to be difficult but now I feel like everything I do will be scrutinized to make fun of later.  It's too much.  There's just too much going on.  It's been 12 years--why can't he move on?  I told Billy's therapist at KVC my concerns that things are only getting worse and that we're scared of it escalating.  She suggested I call DCS, so I did today.  I have no idea what they can do or what to expect.  They're supposed to call me in 24 hours.  Billy didn't call me tonight.  His nurse did--he punched 2 boys in the face and threw chairs at staff.  They put him in isolation.

5-22-2021 Journal Entry, aka 6 Month Anniversary

Just when I thought I was doing really good with my depression and feeling pretty good, today was the 6 month anniversary of Scott's death.  I've been aware of every anniversary, but didn't cry.  Today I fell completely apart.  The other day I felt a stab in the heart going through his workbench drawer.  Last night I thought this can't possibly be 6 months.  I mean, I know it is because it's spring not fall, but it really feels like it's only last month, like I've lost time.  I started crying when I went to pick up a Sam's order and I was irritable with mother the girls.  By the time I got home, I just went to bed and sobbed like it was the first week all over again.  Then the girls decided not to leave me/Billy alone.  Arrena went to Grace's wedding and left Kimberly and Eli until she got a hold of Paul to come over and watch Billy until she got back.  I just wanted to be left alone.

4-12-2021 Journal Entry, aka A Word of Encouragement

Tonight at GriefShare, a man told me he felt like God wanted him to tell me that He gave Scott to me as a symbol of His love. 

3-4-2021 Journal Entry, aka Psychiatrist

Yesterday Billy was off school so I had to take him with me to therapy.  I told her how I'd been feeling since GriefShare.  She told me to sit in that feeling and share it with God.  She also drew from what I was saying several things that I "am", when I said I was concerned with my identity.

My psychiatrist was pretty concerned and talked about hospitalizing me again.  I don't have Scott to watch Billy for me and Arrena went to Nebraska last night for a few days.  I told him I wasn't a danger to myself.  He tabled that suggestion for now.  He talked about doing some intensive outpatient treatment.  I don't even know how I would do that with Billy being hybrid with school.  Then he really scared me and brought up electro-convulsive therapy.  He said it would be like hitting a reset button and I would be sedated for it.  The thing that really got me was he said that they'd do it at Research, which is where Scott died.  He had some ideas for med changes and for now doubled the dose of what I'm on.  After I got off telehealth with him, I cried for an hour.  It's the first time I've cried in weeks.  I texted Jessica and she calmed me down.

3-2-2021 Journal Entry, aka New Dog

Sometimes I wonder if my depression leaves me numb and emotionless or do I just not cry as much because...  God is my strength?  I know I have hope in Christ to see my husband again?  I know I can't compare my journey to anyone else's, but I feel like I cry less than other widows.  Why is that?

I finally remembered to text the lady Isidro wanted me to talk to.  She called me and we talked for two and a half hours.  Is this my purpose?

We DID get a dog Sunday.   The first one Billy picked out had some behavior issues that were red flags, so they suggested Riley.  We met him and Billy loved him, so we took him home and Billy renamed him Patrick after Patrick Mahomes.  He's a Shepherd/Basset mix, so he has a big body with short little legs.  Arrena and Paul went with us to meet him and Kimberly and Eli met us at the house to see him.  They were all playing in the back yard.  It was strange bringing in a new member of the family that has never known Scott, but also nice to see something bring everyone together.  Kimberly took Billy and Patrick to PetCo.  We're signed up for obedience classes starting next week.

3-1-2021 Journal Entry, aka Why Me, God?

I don't even know how to start writing what I'm feeling.  I went to GriefShare tonight and something reminded me of my dad, so I told a little of that story.  The gasps when I said I found him dead and decomposing hit me.  There's so much in my life.  My divorce--being cheated on multiple times, being given an STD, being strangled after being stalked, custody battles, no child support.  My losses--my dad, my grandparents, my husband.  My health and mental health--Lyme's disease, my back injury, depression/being suicidal, PTSD (twice), borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and more.  Financial issues.  My son being special needs and having to fight for him his whole life and now being alone to do it.  My daughter running from God and being scared she'll never turn around.  Not knowing who I am when I'm not Scott's wife or Arrena, Kimberly, and Billy's mom.  Trying to figure out where I fit in at church because I know I need to, but more confused than ever.

In my previous marriage, I felt like Hosea, taking back the husband that left me for so many other women.  Now I feel like Job.  Why is my life so screwed up?  Why do all these bad things happen to me?  I know the answer for Job was for God to get the glory.  How does God get glory from all the broken pieces of my life and how do I give it to Him?  I want to honor God and give Him glory, but how?  And how much can one person bear?  I know, there must be people that have it worse.  I just don't know how much more broken I can be.  I feel like David in the Psalms when he asks, "How long Lord?"  Whatever I may want, I can't die yet because I have a son to raise, if I can get motivated to actually parent him.  And right now I have a hard time praying for Jesus' return because I'm unsure of the souls of 2 of my children.  When will all my suffering be over?  I still have a mom to lose.  Three children.  What will I lose next?  Do I have to live 40, 50 more years in this pain?  This is not my home and I know 40-50 years is a vapor compared to eternity, but from this end, it seems interminable.  What do I still need to learn or do that I haven't?  Please God, answer my prayer: save my children and let me go home.  That's all I want.

2-26-2021 Journal Entry, aka What to Do

The siding is done, just waiting on that vent cover and the gutters.

I've been having a lot of anxiety this week.  I have a PRN anxiety pill which I mostly don't use.  The other day I took 2 in one day.

Isidro gave me a phone number (looks local) of a widow who lost her husband 2 months after me in the hopes we'll hit it off.  I'm sort of nervous about texting a stranger out of the blue, but who knows--we could become friends.

I found a Christian widows group online, so that's helpful, rather than all the "medium" talk.  I'm still a part of the Widows of Covid-19 group and post some godly quotes or devotional stuff there, praying to be a witness, but I'm leaning more on the Christian group.

Sunday we went on a tour of the church after taking an assessment of our spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, and experiences to try to find where we fit to serve.  I'm still confused about where I fit in.  My "host" suggested I go to a discipleship class before I decide.

A friend asked me to take pictures at her grandma's 90th birthday.  I was terrified and I don't know why.  My friend Jessica talked me into it until I realized it's the same weekend as Billy's spring break, my planned trip to Wichita, and a ladies' retreat a friend is planning.  Why are they all the same weekend?  I can never say no, so I seriously tried to figure out how to do everything.  I want to get out, I just get so worn out when I do.

And I think we've decided on getting a pet dog.  I told Billy my requirements and he picked one from the shelter website.  I called and left a message about it today.

2-23-2021 Journal Entry, aka Frustrated and Overwhelmed

Yesterday marked 3 months that Scott's been gone.  Today would have been my dad's birthday.  My siding is going up well, but it's so loud, I've been driven to my room.  The banging is so much, it's knocking stuff off the walls.  I thought I might try cleaning my room, but I just couldn't do it.  There's so much I need to do, but I just can't motivate myself to do it.  I've been walking every day, but so far it's not helping.

I'm so frustrated with everything.  My health insurance, when I applied, asked for my income.  I looked at how much my investments had grown and gave that amount.  Now they want proof of my income to maintain my discount.  It turns out I had no income in 2020, it was all in Scott's name.  They want me to estimate what my income will be in 2021.  Is that taxable income or nontaxable?  The life insurance and workman's comp is nontaxable.  I have no idea what the investments will make--we're still buying shares.  And then there's another fund I was applying for, asking for my income and expenses.  Taxable or nontaxable or all of it?  I don't know!  And I'm supposed to make some decisions about stocks to buy and I don't know.  My head is so clouded with money stuff that I'm freaking out.  The insurance says if I'm wrong with my figures, I could end up paying at tax time.  I don't know what to do.

Then Billy's therapist yesterday started asking him what we do together that's not video game related.  Nothing!  Because I have a bad back and I'm severely depressed and grieving.  I'm barely keeping both of us alive.

Tonight I went out to look at the siding, which is pretty much done and I found they've covered my bathroom exhaust vent.  I think the guy tried to tell me but I didn't understand.  Now it makes sense because he was showing me vent covers.  I should have asked him to show me.  Scott would have handled this better.

I'm just so overwhelmed and flustered.

2-18-2021 Journal Entry, aka Dog?

It's just been a blech day all around.  I didn't feel great to start with and then I got an email that Billy wasn't approved for the service dog I applied for.  They only work with kids 5-13.  I thought maybe it wasn't a hard and fast rule, but apparently it is.  I went to a lot of trouble to apply and get letters of recommendation.  I feel so deflated.  I looked at a few other places out of state and the waiting list was 4-5 YEARS.  I don't know whether to just get him a pet and try to get it certified as a support animal or what.  He wants a pug, but I want something bigger.  He wants a puppy and I do adult rescues.  I just don't know what to do.  And I don't want to go through "what happens when/if he moves out."  It's just frustrating.

2-17-2021 Journal Entry, aka Exercise

We finished putting my treadmill together and the past 2 days, I've walked a mile each.  I'm hoping some exercise will release some endorphins and help me with my depression and energy.  I have so much I need to do but the motivation is just not there.  Hoping also to lose some weight in a healthy way.

I applied for another fund yesterday and I already heard back today that I was approved for money towards his funeral and encouraging me to apply for phase 2.

Some of the ladies in my widows' group are talking about consulting mediums.  I have no idea if I should stay with this group or not.  How do I minister to them?  At least I'm not "sorrowing as ones who have no hope."

2-14-2021 Journal Entry, aka Valentine's Day

I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day, but I didn't realize how pervasive it was until this year.  I've been avoiding Facebook posts like the plague.  Scott always got me and the girls flowers.  He got them for the girls so they'd grow up, knowing what treatment to expect from a good man.  He often recruited Billy to help to teach him the right way to treat women.  I'm forever thankful that he tried to teach/show my children things like this.  My Facebook memories was full of flowers he'd gotten me over the years.  A couple of weeks ago, I saw a picture of a bouquet he got me just because I was having a hard day.  He was so good to me and I miss him.

The big excitement today was that Paul (my daughter's boyfriend) asked Arrena to marry him.  I knew it was going to be today.  He came over a few weeks ago to get my blessing and talked over plans with me.  It wasn't a surprise to Arrena, but now it's official.  Seems so soon for me to enter the phase of life where I have a son-in-law.  I'm still wrapping my head around empty nesting.  I wish Scott could be here to see her down the aisle and for grandkids, when they come.  It's not fair he did so much of the work and doesn't get to see the end result.  He deserved a place of honor.

2-13-2021 Journal Entry, aka Self Care

Prepare for real raw.  I am struggling so much with self-care right now.  And I don't mean pampering myself.  I mean getting dressed, eating, and taking showers.  I just don't have the motivation.  I struggled with this (except the eating) while Scott was still alive--it's part of my depression.  Getting out of bed is struggle enough.  The rest feels unnecessary unless I have to go somewhere and be presentable.  Sometimes I hear Scott in my head saying, "go brush your teeth."  Sometimes I do, but other times I stubbornly refuse.  "I'm already in bed," or "you're not here to care."  Sometimes the biggest thing I can manage in a day is to shower and put on real clothes.  To be honest, sometimes I change my pajamas just so Arrena won't notice I haven't showered and changed.  And sometimes I'm just scared of the shower.  Because, sometimes when I'm in there, the emotions overwhelm me and I cry and there are times when I don't have time for that or just can't handle it.

2-12-2021 Journal Entry, aka Early Valentine's Gift

Billy asked me to help him clear some land on Minecraft.  Minecraft was something Scott and I and Billy did together.  I've only been on briefly to set something up for Billy since Scott died.  At first I said no, I didn't feel like it, but then I felt guilty so I said ok.  It was cathartic just to break blocks.  I should have known that from before when I was playing with my depression, but I'd forgotten.  And I had no desire to log on without Scott.  But, I should learn from Scott--even when he was in the hospital, he logged on a couple of times to "be" with Billy.  Then Billy wanted to play games and I ended up with a headache.  Maybe too much for one day.

Arrena and Billy gave me an early Valentine's gift.  I knew they'd been working on a secret project that involved Windex, the printer, and my paint brushes.  Scott always got me and the girls flowers for Valentine's Day, even though I've never been really big on Valentine's Day.  He wanted to show all three of us how we should be valued.  He often recruited Billy to help teach him how men should treat women.  The kids got me roses and put them in a vase they had mod podged with pictures of me and Scott.  It immediately made me cry.  The sweetness of the gesture with all the memories and never getting flowers from him again was overwhelming.  They did a great job.  I'm just overly emotional.  There was lots of hugging.

Arrena told me that 3 days before Christmas, Billy had come to her and had the idea to put pictures of us in a book for me.  This was sort of a compromise.

2-11-2021 Journal Entry, aka Not a Good Day

Billy got to go to school today so I went to the bank and Union Station to pick up a Chiefs/Royals picture I ordered.  I made a phone call and even talked to a lawyer today (who suggested a different lawyer), but I don't feel like, "yay, I did something today."  Even while I was out, I just wanted to be back home.  What's at home? Nothing. I sit.

One really bad thing about the widow group I'm in is when they start asking spiritual questions.  I have those answers, but how do you comfort someone that most likely lost their loved one to hell?  I just can't.  I don't know what to say.

I dropped a whole casserole upside-down in the oven.  The kids ate it anyway.  I couldn't I felt so sick.  I just feel like crap today.  It's just not a good day.

I have this stack of grief books and some days I just can't read them because I can't deal with my own grief.

I haven't taken Scott's stuff off our shared phone calendars, so it still shows all the days he's supposed to be at work.  The past to weeks, he was supposed to be "on call."  His last "on call" for the sign up period.  It's both a comfort and and knife to the heart seeing "Scott on call" on my phone.  And upsetting that it's going to be gone in a couple of days.  Such a small thing but they all add up.

2-10-2021 Journal Entry, aka Broken Pieces

Last night I watched a sermon about broken pieces.  It was really encouraging to me.  And two verses keep popping up: II Corinthians 12:9 "And he has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." and Romans 8:18-23 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.  For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it , in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.  For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now.  And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body."  I'm still struggling, but I know God is there with me and He'll make something from these broken pieces.

Billy had a bad morning today and I wasn't very patient.  He got out with his "person" a little while ago.  I've been so anxious for time without him, but now that he's gone, I can't think what to do.  That seems to be my constant problem.  I have no interest in anything anymore.

Since Scott died, I've been praying for a dream about him so I could be with him again, even if it's just in my mind.  Finally last night I dreamed we were shopping for motorhomes.  It felt good to be with him.  Even if yesterday and today have been marked by crying, missing him.

2-9-2021 Journal Entry, aka Hating Life

I hate this.  I hate my life.  I know I shouldn't say that but it's true.  I just sleep and scroll through Facebook.  I know I need purpose, but what?

One of the other widows on the Facebook group said she feels like the wrong parent died.  I feel kind of the same.  November 2019 I was in the hospital for being suicidal.  A year later, my husband dies.  And I'm jealous.  I'm the one that wanted to die, wanted to escape this world and this depression, to go home to be with the Lord.  Why did he get to go?  My head tells me that God still has a plan for me, but my heart is tired.  I can't even pray for him to come quickly because I'm not sure of the souls of two of my kids.  I can work on Billy, but Kimberly is mostly up to God.

To make matters worse, the weather is bad right now.  There's only a little snow, but the temps are so low, they're cancelling school, GriefShare, youth group.  So, we're stuck at home.  Even though there's not much snow, it sounds like the roads are bad with lots of accidents.  My siding going up has hit a standstill.

The Chiefs lost the Superbowl.  I felt anxious about the game all week instead of excited.  I wanted them to win for Scott, but just didn't happen this year.

I have a stack of grief books, but I don't understand how to grieve "well" or "lean into your grief" or "choose" to grieve in order to heal.  I didn't think I had a choice.

What I need to know is how to keep going.  How do I get up out of this recliner and do something--anything!  I have so much to do and no energy.  My brain feels like mush too.  I have paperwork I need to fill out and I can't concentrate on it.

I hate that I feel this way.  The other day I ran across a Facebook memory from 8 years ago that Arrena posted: "When life gets hard and you feel all alone, remember you mean the world to someone and that someone calls you mom."  I wish I could be stronger for them.

2-6-2021 Journal Entry, aka Afraid

My GriefShare workbook wants me to journal about fears for the future.  I'm afraid of mismanaging money, which is probably stupid.  I'm mostly afraid of being alone which is so silly because I like being alone.  I think it's more not having a purpose that scares me.  And whether I can finally kick this depression after over a year and a new loss that makes me feel hopeless.  I guess I don't like being completely alone.  I like having time to myself to do what I want to do.  But I do need people now and then.  I'm afraid of not regaining my interests and just having a meaningless life.  Right now I just try to make it through each day to the next sleep, so I can do it all over again.  That's not living.  And I'm afraid of needing someone when I'm walking alone.  I miss Scott doing life with me, even if I was depressed and we didn't do much.  I had my best friend, my cheerleader, my helper with me no matter what.  I'm afraid of being without that.  I'm afraid of making decisions by myself.

How to help someone who's grieving

https://refugeingrief.com/helper-overview/

2-3-2021 Journal Entry, aka Therapists and Doctors

I went to therapy.  I cried before, during, and after therapy.

I had my telehealth doctor's appointment and he classified me as "severe major depressive disorder" with a side of new PTSD from Scott's death.  He said it may take a couple of weeks to get the insurance company its prior authorization, but he'd give me something similar in the meanwhile.  He said I've proven to be difficult to treat since I have been ineffective with 4 classes of meds.

Billy went out with his "person" tonight for the first time.  They couldn't go to church (waiting on background check), so they got to know each other going to pet shops and GameStop.  Next week, he'll start going to youth group.

2-2-2021 Journal Entry, aka Groups

Arrena sent me a news story about a Facebook group for widows of Covid.  I joined it but I'm not sure yet if I like it.  It's hard to read your story over and over again.  But, it's also nice to have people who understand what it's like to have gone through this disease and come out different.  It's nice to feel understood and commiserate with others who've had people trivialize their loss by asking what the underlying condition was.  Most of these people who died were healthy until they got Covid.

I started going to GriefShare at the church's counseling center last night.  I had a hard time even getting out of the car and I definitely cried.  But, again, it's nice to have someone to talk to because sometimes I feel like a burden to my friends and family.  I feel like they avoid the topic to keep me from feeling bad.  But, I feel bad all the time.  But, do they want to hear it all the time?  Maybe I'm the one really avoiding it.  I don't know.

Billy watched Iron Man tonight.  It was the last movie Scott watched in the hospital, so it made me cry.  I need my antidepressants back so bad.  Tomorrow's my appointment, I pray he can get insurance approval.

Today they started working on my siding.  I had to do a bunch of paperwork with my financial advisor today.  And the church got my tithe check, so they called to talk to me and pray with me.