Walking a Mile in Someone's Shoes

Okay, here is my pet peeve for the day. I read a post on Facebook about someone abandoning their friendship with someone because she would not leave her abusive boyfriend/husband. She didn't agree with her choices and did not deem her worthy of being her friend. I was angry. In possibly the lowest time in this person's life...and her "friend" abandoned her. Way to kick someone while they are down. I find it very despicable when a person judges when they have never been in that situation. I used to be that person. I swore I would never let a man hit me or cheat on me. If he did, it would immediately be over. I couldn't understand women that put up with that. They were idiots and I judged them just as harshly as this person on Facebook. But, then I walked a mile in their shoes and found that things look awfully different when you are on the other side. My ex hit me once during our marriage and I stayed. He cheated on me so many times, I don't even know how many girlfriends he had. But I stayed. I had a million reasons why I did too. Some of them made sense, some did not. One of the best friends I had through the hard years was a friend that accepted my decisions no matter what they were, no matter if she agreed with them or not. She would ask, "what do you want to do?" And she would back me up and support me no matter what my answer was. The only reason she asked was so she could know how to help me. THAT is a true friend. I had plenty that were exasperated because I defied all common logic in staying. But, the friend that I was able to lean on no matter what was the one that respected that the decisions were MINE and mine alone and that I would be the one living with the consequences. Yes, I eventually divorced my husband, but only after 7 years of a hellish nightmare. If you are a friend, do not judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. And remember: "but for the grace of God go I."

John 3:16 (a short story by Robin Lynn Davidson)

Mary opened her eyes, but remained completely motionless. Something felt wrong. She couldn't put her finger on what it was, but it was there in the air, prickling the hairs on the back of her neck. She listened intently for any sound that might give away what it might be, but there were no sounds. Maybe that was it--the lack of sound, the heavy stillness in the air. She looked around and saw only darkness. She couldn't even tell if the room she was in was familiar or not. Memory eluded her. It was that moment of grogginess after waking, when you aren't sure of anything--where you are, what time it is, or even who you are. Yet that moment seemed to stretch on indeterminately.

Mary rolled to her side and tried to blink away the feeling of unease and peer through the gloom. She determined she was laying on a mat on an earthen floor. She decided that lying there was cowardly, so she pushed herself up to a sitting position and then struggled to stand up. She tripped over an oil lamp, so she trimmed and lit it. She explored the house she found herself in and found it to be deserted, save for a mouse in the corner, who was cleaning his whiskers, making her glad she had decided to get up. She found some bread on the table and ate a little before venturing from the stone house. She found a crude pitcher near the door, so she assumed there must be a well somewhere. She started down the dusty street, looking for another woman to point her in the right direction, but there was no one about. The sky was becoming lighter and lighter so surely people would be up and about before the sun's unforgiving rays would begin to beat down upon them. Before long, she found a well in what appeared to be a town square of a rather large city. She drew out some water and started back the way that she had come.

Mary was becoming more and more alarmed at the absence of sound and human sightings in such a large metropolis. Where was everyone? She was beginning to feel as though everyone were in on a joke that she had been left out of. Could they all be around a corner, laughing at her? She had been the butt of jokes before, but surely the whole city could not be involved in such a prank! Was it a Sabbath day? No, as near as she could figure, it was a Friday. A feast day? No, she had a brief recollection of Passover being celebrated yesterday. Had the entire town gone somewhere? No, she couldn't recall any logical reason why no one should be about.

When she reached the small house, she set about with some chores to keep her mind busy and the panic at bay. She fed the chickens, gathered eggs, milked the goat, swept out the house, tidied up, and did some baking.

As the day wore on, the alarm welled up inside of her. She walked out of the house and no longer cared if she looked silly or if anyone laughed. She marched to the neighbor's house and called at the door. No answer. She walked in and saw no one. She searched every nook and cranny and still found no trace of any neighbors. She went to the next house and the next house, finding no one and still no one. The further she went, the more afraid she became until she was terrified. She ran through the empty, still streets, sobbing and calling out for anyone who might hear her. But there were no returning answers. She wandered aimlessly for a long while and eventually returned to the little cottage and sat, not knowing what else to do. She buried her face in her hands and wept softly.

"Jehovah-Shammah," Mary whispered. "Do not leave me alone in this world. Do not abandon your daughter. Please, El-Roi."

Who am I kidding? Mary thought to herself. Jehovah-Jireh has probably sent his promised Messiah in the night and left me behind. I am no one. A poor, ignorant young girl with nothing to offer his kingdom. Elohim loves his people but I am just one among many, easily forgotten.

Suddenly Mary heard a noise, like a great crowd of people shouting. She jumped in surprise, then recovered quickly and took off running towards the direction of the noise. She ran so long and so hard she thought her lungs would burst. She ran to the other side of the city, to a hill, and then she stopped. That was where the noise had been coming from, but there was no crowd. All she saw there was one man. And he could not have been making that noise.

She sank to the ground in weakness and sorrow. Mary's shoulders sunk and her head drooped. The sight of the man had drained all of the energy out of her body. He was obviously being punished for something. Even if he deserved some sort of punishment, Mary couldn't think of anything the man could have done that would have warranted the treatment he was receiving. But, just by looking at him, she could tell that the man had done nothing wrong. She could see it in his eyes. One glance and she could bear it no more--her gaze fell away from his and she covered her face with her hands. In that glance, she felt as if he had really SEEN her and knew her.

"Daughter," said a gentle, yet strong voice. "Do not look away."

Mary reluctantly looked up to the man again. This time, when she looked into his eyes, she saw a love there that she had never seen before. But, the love wasn't just spelled out in his eyes. It was also written in the blood that was spilling from his body, from the crown of thorns on his head, from the nails that were piercing his hands and feet, holding him to a cross. She gasped.

"Who is he?" she whispered, in awe.

"He is my beloved son, in whom I am well-pleased."

"Jehovah-Yahweh..." Mary's voice was barely audible. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was dry. She swallowed past the lump in her throat. "But...why is he...dying?"

"Because I loved the world so much that I gave my one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Have you not learned the prophet Isaiah? He is pierced for the world's transgressions, crushed for their sins, the punishment that brings them peace is upon him and by his wounds they are healed."

"But, where is the world? I mean, where is everybody? I have looked all day and I can find no one."

"Today, my child, you are the world. You mean the world to me. My son came to die for you."

Mary thought she might faint. The knowledge of that was too much to wrap her mind around. Before she had time to think, she was on her feet and running. She found herself at the foot of the cross, sobbing.

"No, no, no! I am not worth it! My life is not worth your life! How can you love me so much that you would die for me? Don't you know that I am nothing?"

"Of course I know you, child. I made you. I created your inmost being and knit you together in your mother's womb. I have watched you grow. I have a purpose for your life. And you are worth it to me. I love you enough to send my son to die for you. Not just the whole world, but you alone. You individually. If you were the only person on earth, he would still die for only you."

"Why?" Mary nearly screeched wretchedly.

"Because without his taking the punishment for your sins, we would be separated forever, my child, and that's not something that I can live with. I want you with me. For all eternity. This is my gift to you. Will you accept my gift?"

Mary's heart suddenly soared at the sound of the voice and the love she felt enveloping her completely. She felt a warmth permeating her entire body and would not have been surprised to have found herself glowing. She had never felt love like this before and was sure that she never would again. Yet, she was sure that this love that was being offered to her would carry her through her life and beyond the grave. She looked up into the face of the man dying for her alone, her face still wet with tears, but gratitude written on every inch of her expression, and whispered, "Yes!"

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This is a work in progress. I am debating about how to write this story. Another option would be to nix the confusion that Mary starts off the day with and make her just go through her normal day, except for the weird fact that everyone is missing. She might think more about her missing family, which would, in a round about way, incorporate other characters. My other idea for this story is that the "Mary" is a modern day girl who wakes up in Israel at the time of the crucifixion with no knowledge of how she got there or why or where anyone else is. The reason that I am thinking about writing the story that way is to make it easier to relate to the character because this story is about everyone. Jesus did die for the world personally, not corporately. If you have any comment about it one way or another, please share.

Family Reunion 2010

This year's Cooper Family Reunion was really fun. I had hoped that this camping trip would be quite simple, but it turned out to be more complicated than I had planned. The kids were supposed to be at their dad's, so packing and cooking for two is much easier. However, their dad never called, so I had to pack for all five of us. It takes a lot to entertain the three kids. And much more to feed them. And my husband decided he didn't want to live on hotdogs and hamburgers for the weekend either, so he devised all sorts of meals, which made packing food and supplies a little more difficult. And I had forgotten about our dog Jesse. So, we decided to rent a U-Haul trailer to haul all of our stuff out there.

Scott had gotten his vacation time during Labor Day weekend, so we took the children out of school and headed down to Oklahoma on Thursday. We left later than we had planned to (which is always the case). It is a five hour drive from Kansas City to Heyburn Lake. As we got nearer to our destination, we saw lightning and dark clouds. We arrived just before dark and began to set up our campsite. Our rented site was next to the nice bathrooms/shower house, in front of the swimming beach, but the bathrooms were locked, which made us angry since that was the whole reason we rented that spot. We were clear on the other side of the camp from my family and quite a way from the other, smaller bathrooms. Kimmy and Billy had both been throwing up prior to our coming to the reunion. As we were furiously putting up our campsite, my mom and my Aunt Janie drove over and Janie offered us her campsite since they had played musical campsites. We hurriedly took down what we'd done and drove over to the other side and put everything up by them. It was dark by then, but we had help from my cousins Jill and Jimmy. There was lightning on both sides of us, but still no rain. We got everything set up and got the kids in their tent and in bed. We finished up and went to bed ourselves. We had been in our tent about five minutes when the storm started. The thunder and rain was deafening. My mom texted that if the kids were scared, they could come over and stay in the camper they were in, but I said we would get soaked just going the few feet from our tent to theirs, let alone across the street to their camper and that I hoped the kids were asleep. Somehow through the roar, Scott heard one of the kids say "mom". We tried to look through the window and saw flashlights on in their tent, but couldn't hear anything. I yelled, "I can't hear you! Lay down and go to sleep!" The seams on our tent were leaking a little and we had a couple of puddles and my blanket got a little damp.

The next day, we visited with family and Scott, Janie, and I went to the store to get groceries and supplies for the family reunion, while my mom stayed with the kids. The kids swam in the blow up pool we had at the campsite. I liked being on the family side of the camp this time because the kids could run around and visit and play and not get into too much trouble. Everyone watched out for everyone else. My great-uncle Gary and great-aunt Bessie came and brought their grand-daughter Courtney and she and Arrena really hit it off. After that, those girls were off on bikes around the camp the rest of the weekend. The problem started when the kids' dad's mom called me and said she was coming to pick up the kids. Chris and I had discussed this weekend the last time we talked and he said he would call me and arrange picking up the kids. He had not called and now here they were, looking forward to the weekend with us. They had hoped that he wouldn't call because they wanted to go to the family reunion. They were furious when their grandma called and they thought they would have to leave. They called their grandma back and asked to talk to their dad. He called them back and Arrena told him that they didn't want to go. He asked to speak to me and I told him that they had thought they were staying at the family reunion since he hadn't called like he said he would and hadn't shown up for his last weekend like he was supposed to. He backed off and said they could stay and the kids were happy. Janie and us combined forces and made up hamburgers and hotdogs to feed everyone that was coming in and setting up camp that night. We sat around a campfire and made s'mores.

Saturday was the family reunion. After breakfast and the morning visits, playtime, etc., we went up to the pavilion and started setting up. Family that hadn't camped started trickling in. It was nice to see lots of cousins I haven't seen in a couple of years. First we had lunch, then the kids got their toys. Then the annual auction started. We brought home a horse clock for the girls' room and some blue champagne glasses that my aunt is etching our names on. After that, the guys had their horseshoe tournament and the women did their "cake" walk. I thought Scott was going to win the horseshoe tournament for a minute--he made it to the final round and was ahead for a while, but my cousin Tammy's husband Randy beat him in the end. I won the second cake walk and got a kitchen prize basket. My mom and my brother left before I knew it. I thought I had longer with them and was disappointed that they had to leave so soon. I had brought an angel food cake and watermelon for my mama and hadn't gotten it out yet! Family started to leave and we started to head back to our campsites.

Sunday, we hung around, visiting. The kids went to pet a horse. They are putting in an equestrian trail behind where we were camping and we talked to a lady that is a part of it quite a bit, so she let the kids pet her horse. We learned from her that the bathroom problems we have had for years were because of the old caretakers and there is a new caretaker that just came in about six weeks ago and has already started changing things around there. He would have had the bathrooms fixed, but the plumber that came out to do didn't have the right licensing and had to come back later. I got my baby "fix", holding a cousin's baby girl named Eland. Then we took the kids down the the lake to swim. Arrena and Courtney were broken-hearted when Courtney had to go home. They had become good chums in three short days. We had another combined dinner with tacos and chicken chili and more fussing over Eland. Then we had an unwelcome visitor. A tarantula walked into my aunt's campsite. Not a good camp to visit, as she is deathly afraid of spiders of any sort. I have to admit that I am not too fond of spiders after that one unknown spider bit me and made me very unwell several years back. A large fuzzy tarantula doesn't appeal to me either. My great-aunt Ruthann said, "Jill, look out." My cousin Jill stood up from the picnic table she had been sitting at and I looked and there was a tarantula on the ground crawling towards her. Jill shrieked and jumped up on the bench of the table. She said that she would have run or jumped up on the table, but she was holding her dog Alexis, who was on a chain, hooked to something and she couldn't go far. In her hurry to get away from the tarantula, she nearly wrung Alexis' neck off! Janie jumped up and stood at a distance, I think trying to judge which was was the best direction to run. I laughed because she had been trying to convince me to look for one out on the road to poke with a stick because she had heard that they jump ten feet. I said, "Hey, don't you want to see if they jump ten feet?" Well, when someone started poking at it, it ceased being funny and I decided that was my cue to leave my chair, in case they DO jump ten feet. The poking was meant to get it to go back the other way and leave, but the stupid thing went the wrong way and came TOWARD us. It ran under the picnic table, causing a wave of panic and then went up the picnic table. That caused Jill to bolt. Somehow she got Alexis loose and managed to get away. Scott asked her later if she would have sacrificed her dog to the tarantula and she said most definitely. Janie, in the meanwhile, hightailed it into the trailer and stood peering out of the window. Jennifer and Jimmy managed to corral and scoop up the tarantula and took him out to the street and released him. I wish I had thought sooner and gotten the whole episode on video. Whether it was the same one or a different one, I don't know, but about an hour or so later, a tarantula returned to Janie's campsite and was again scooped up by my cousin Jimmy and taken back to the street and released. In the twenty-three years we have been out there, we have never seen a tarantula out there before.

Monday, we spent the morning visiting and packing up our campsite. Everyone was leaving, so we were all saying our good-byes. We finally left around lunch time and got home about dinner time. The weather was so beautiful the whole time we were there. The high temperatures were only in the 80s and with the breeze off the lake, it was lovely. It was even chilly early in the morning and in the evenings. I wish I had checked the forecast for the lows and packed the kids some jackets at least. We couldn't have asked for better weather. It was getting a little warm on Monday, I think in the 90s, but the wind was so strong, we hardly noticed.

I am beginning to think that I am allergic to camping at Heyburn Lake...or my family. I have camped down there twice and both times ended up with a migraine. The last one I got while I was down there, this one I got two days after I got back and has lasted five days so far. Wonder if I got bit by a migraine bug. Is there a repellent for that?

It's Spanish

Billy’s mouth gets him into more trouble than he can handle. His mouth writes checks his rear end can’t cash, so to speak. He has picked up some bad words along the way. One of the words he gets in trouble for the most is the three-letter word that also means donkey. The other day, my husband told Billy, “muchas gracias.” Billy heard the end of the second word and said, “Ooooooh, you said a bad word!” No matter how many times Scott tried to convince him, Billy was sure that he had just violated the rules. Scott insisted, “It’s Spanish! It means, ‘thank you very much’!” Billy would not be persuaded. Yesterday, Billy called me a ‘dumbo.’ We told him that wasn’t a nice thing to say, to which he replied, “It’s Spanish.... It means ‘flower’!” Well, we know he's not a dumbo!

God Bless the Broken Road That Led Me Straight to You

No clue how many times I have heard this song, but as I was listening to it this week, I was thinking how much it applied to my life and to my relationship with my husband. I was going to copy the lyrics into an email to my husband, but he reads my blog anyway, so here you go, honey, this one's for you! (italicized portions, courtesy of me!)

"Bless The Broken Road" (Rascal Flatts)

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

Depression: a Cure and a Cause?

I love my husband...he gently reminds me that I haven't written on my blog in a while. So glad that he is supportive and encouraging of my writing!

Well, update from my last post.... I had thought that was all there was to my little breakdown, but apparently that wasn't it. If you remember my blog from last year, I was finally on some antidepressants that actually helped with no weird side effects or personality changes. But, I lost my insurance and wasn't able to afford them or my doctor anymore. I had hoped that my depression was situational and that once my situation had improved, I would be fine. However, even after I thought I had things figured out and Scott and I had talked about my feelings, I didn't feel better. I would start crying while fixing dinner, for no apparent reason. I felt paranoid and desperate. I have felt sadness too much of my life and I certainly didn't want to waste any more of my life like that. I felt guilty for feeling depressed when I have everything I ever wanted and in all respects, am happy and blessed and content. Maybe my depression is chemical, genetic, or clinical, not just situational. So, I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and he gave me a new prescription for my old antidepressants. I am feeling more normal now. The paranoia and desperation are gone, I haven't cried since, and I am enjoying my life much more now. Guess it will be a fact of my life--may have to take the meds for the rest of my life. If that's what it takes to avoid feeling that way...then that's what I will do.

On another note, the kids have been struggling with the selfishness of their dad. He hadn't called or showed up for visitation in over a month. His mother had spoken to me and told me that he had taken off on his girlfriend Mandy that he said he was going to marry last month and that he was with another girlfriend Sarah. He had been telling me that he had been paying child support, but that for some reason it wasn't reaching me. His mom confirmed he was lying and paid a fraction of it (along with his bike payment) to keep him out of jail and collections a while longer. Well, tonight, he finally called the kids. Apparently, he married Sarah and now wants to resume seeing the kids.

I am frustrated on so many levels. It disturbs me that the kids so easily accept that he was going to marry Mandy in April, but married Sarah in May. It is appalling to learn that the kids knew about her and other girlfriends while their dad was living with Mandy. What kind of example does this set for them? How do I combat all of the things they have seen and know and continue to learn at his hands?

There's a deeper ache at how he can blow them off for a month, not so much as a phone call and doesn't bother to give us his phone number so his kids could call him, that they twice expectantly went to the meeting place believing that their dad would show up to pick them up yet leave angry that he cares so little that he not only doesn't show up, but doesn't even have the decency to call and tell them that he can't come this time. And yet, when he calls, all that seems to fade away from their memories and they get excited and exclaim, "Daddy!" or "I love you!" It hurts me (selfish jealousy, I am sure) to be the parent that is always there, doing everything for them, loving them day in and day out, not just when it suits, but to hear on a regular basis that I am a mean mom or "I hate you" or "You are ruining my life," yet he gets, "I love you, daddy! When are you coming to pick me up?" If I feel that way, I wonder how my husband feels, who is daily much more of a dad to my kids than their biological father is. He hugs them at bedtime and tells them he loves them; he provides for their every need (without the help of child support) and many of their wants; he spends his days off eating lunch with them at school, helping out on field trips, or helping me finish decorating their new room; he is there to pick up the pieces when their dad doesn't show up, scooping them into his lap and turning their anger to laughter. I once read a book that had a line in it so profound that I wrote it down: "Kids chase the love that eludes them...Why do kids assume so much from one parent and hold the other to a lower or looser standard? Maybe it's like my old man said, 'You can be a mommy's boy or a daddy's boy, but you can't be both.' So you cling to the one you think you might lose." I believe that was from "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom. I know my kids are smart and that eventually they will see which parent they can trust. But that brings me to my deeper pain. I can deal with the wounds of being mom, but what hurts my heart the most is when they are hurt. I am sure that this will not be the last time that their dad is selfish or blows them off. So, I have to watch them be hurt over and over again and I can't do anything to stop it. A mom's instinct is to protect her children, but when courts get involved, they dictate what is right and wrong for your children. And for courts, it is a black and white, antiseptic, across-the-board decision. Keep on subjecting the abused to the abuser and the children to being rejected by their own father. Oh yes, that's certainly going to be better for their self-esteem than to never have contact with their birth father. The court system has a long way to go before it can claim it operates under "justice".

So, as mom, all I can do is accept the situation and be there for the kids when they need me. Truly, isn't that what all mothers do anyway?

WARNING: Very Personal and Highly Emotional

I almost didn't publish this as it is soooo personal. But, I feel better when I write. I am able to express things much better and I usually feel better once I have worked it out and gotten it out. And maybe my struggles are not unique to me. Maybe someone else feels the same and needs the encouragement.

My heart has been calloused. Out of self-preservation, I fought to make my heart stony, so that I wouldn’t hurt anymore. It didn’t always work so well, as I still felt pain occasionally, but I believe I am still here today because I taught myself not to care. If you have read my earlier posts, you know that I went through a divorce last year. My ex-husband hurt me continually. Sometimes, when I would feel it getting to me and the tears would start to well up and I felt my heart breaking, I would steel myself against it. I would fight hard, telling myself over and over again, like a mantra that I did NOT care. I would fight back the tears so much that for a long time, I didn’t think that I was capable of crying anymore. What resulted was this calloused feeling that little mattered to me. Sounds harsh, and in some ways, I hated that feeling, but in others, I knew I couldn’t live without that wall that I could hide behind when I was scared. I COULD make it on my own. What’s the worst he could do to me? Leave me? I don’t care. Hurt me? I don’t care. Say mean things? I don’t care. Cheat on me? I don’t care. Even kill me? Well, then that just makes you my new best friend since you are sending me home, to a place where there is no more pain. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.

Problem. What happens when you get remarried? Callous is still there. On one hand you want to let that someone in your heart and life, but on the other hand, you are TERRIFIED that if you open yourself up, trust, expose your tender underbelly, that he will hurt you too and it will hurt worse the next time. And the statistics on divorce for subsequent marriages bears that out. My new husband is wonderful. From the beginning, he made it clear that it didn’t matter to him how I felt (I’m sure to a certain extent). He believed that if he treated me the way he was supposed to, I couldn’t help but love him back. My love for him has come in stages or bursts. I loved him early on, but I held a lot of myself back. I was afraid to care too much, lest he hurt me too. Yes, of course, I knew he wasn’t my ex-husband and I wasn’t comparing them, but part of it was fear that all men were the same and part of it was fear that it was me. Maybe it didn’t matter who I was married to, maybe the problem was me and then it wouldn’t matter who I married, they would all leave me once they knew me. Regardless of the reason, I held out—and Scott knew this and accepted it.

Sometimes out of the blue, I have discovered that God has peeled back a part of the callous that encircled my heart and I felt more love for my husband and trusted him more. Those times have not been easy. Part of me wants to fight it because I am afraid. In my head, I know that Scott will not hurt me and wants only to protect me, but in my heart, I can’t accept it. I have all sorts of reasons why, which make sense to me and keep me resisting. The last couple of weeks, God has managed to remove a very large chunk of the callous—so much so that I think there isn’t much left to protect myself with. Ouch.

Satan hates us and wants to destroy us and our marriages. He wants to rob of us of our joy. He wants to wreck our families. He is out for our blood. I have felt him attacking me the last few weeks. At first, I couldn’t figure out what was bothering me. I had a general sense of unease and discontent. I felt tense and I couldn’t sleep at night. A few months ago, we had a Sunday school teacher that told us when she couldn’t sleep at night, she knew it was God keeping her awake because He wanted to talk with her and she would use that time to pray. My husband reminded me of that several times when I couldn’t sleep, so when this bout of insomnia hit, I began to pray. But, I guess I was praying about the wrong things. I prayed for others because I didn’t think anything was wrong. But, gradually, little things started to come up where Satan was undermining me and making me doubt. He started with small things. Insignificant, niggling little things that don’t seem to amount to much on their own. Nothing was really WRONG, but something didn’t FEEL right. These things piled up until I collapsed under the weight of them this morning as I sat in the floor of the shower, sobbing and praying. If my husband had come in at that point (thankfully he was at work), I couldn’t have articulated what was wrong: nothing…everything…a bunch of little, stupid stuff that would make me sound like a hysterical, raving lunatic! I would have been totally embarrassed at that point to verbalize the thoughts in my head that had me reduced to bawling in the shower.

God helped me to understand that the pain I was feeling was this large chunk of callous being removed. I felt exposed and unprotected, vulnerable, totally at the mercy of my husband. Previously, I knew I loved my husband, but I felt like I had held back enough of myself that if I lost him for any reason, I could survive it. Wouldn’t like it, but I could hold it together. Now, I am not so sure I could handle it. The pain of the callous being sloughed off my heart is, I believe, equal to the pain I was originally protecting myself from! So, what was the point of hardening my heart at all? It wasn’t even worth it because the softening of my heart is just as painful! It feels like a strange recipe: “to soften the heart, marinate in tears…”

God taught me today that even though I have this fear of my husband hurting me or leaving me, a fear so great that it leaves me sobbing in the shower, I have no control over the situation. I can’t control my husband and what he says and does. I can’t protect my marriage or hold it together by myself, which is something I learned from my last marriage. And worrying about it won’t change anything either. All that will do is make me miserable, as illustrated by the shower sorrow.

What can I do with that? I could live miserably scared and neurotic. I could harden my heart up again. Or, I can control the one thing that it is within my power to control: myself. First, I have to trust God. He is the only One that can protect my heart and my husband and my marriage and my family and my kids. He is the ONLY one that is 100% worthy of my trust and the One that loves me more than anyone else. I learned last year, as evidenced by previous song lyrics I posted on my blog, that when the entire world fails me, He is the One that is there to catch me when I fall. Men will surely let you down, but God will not. If I invest my trust in Him, it is safe. I can trust Him to protect my heart. I saw a play many years ago in which a young man offered his heart to God, but when a girl came around, he asked for it back. But she broke it. He picked up his heart and handed it back to God who fixed it up, but it wasn’t long before he asked for it back to give to another girl. The moral of the story was that his heart was only safe when he left it with God. If He feels it is necessary to soften my heart, He must have a reason. I have to follow Him first, no matter what anyone else is doing or if my life is falling apart around me. He has proven to me already that He can hold me up and get me through it. Second, I have to be what I should be. I need to strive to be a good wife and mother and Christian, not for anyone else, but “as to the Lord and not unto men.” Third, I have to follow the advice of 2 Corinthians 10:5: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Regardless of what Satan tries to tempt me with, which gets me all twisted up and confused and depressed, I have to take every thought captive and test it against the knowledge of God. Don’t let my mind run away with me and get me into all kinds of trouble. Fourth, I have to let go. In Romans 12:1, it says, “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.” Many years ago, I learned that I have nothing on my own. I say “my” husband and “my” kids, but they aren’t mine. I didn’t die for them, I didn’t pay for them with my blood. Only He can protect them and take care of them. They have been lent to me. And God can take away loved ones at any time. That’s His right, as they are HIS. So, I offer myself, my life, my family on the altar. They are Yours, Lord. Problem with a living sacrifice is that it keeps crawling off the altar, though, so I must continually offer everything I have to the Lord. Things change, people change, but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. That’s what I have to hold onto when I feel like it’s falling apart and I can’t control anything.

I feel like I have been dropped in the middle of a fairy tale. Prince Charming came and rescued me and provided me with everything I need to live happily ever after. But, the problem is that I can’t enjoy it. I sit here, waiting for the dream to turn to a nightmare. I can’t live my life like this. I have to enjoy what I have and the beautiful life that God created out of a messy wreck. I have to stop living in fear so I can enjoy my life. It is truly a blessed life.

Rough day I’ve had. It’s funny how God can teach you and really work you over spiritually and emotionally while you go on about your day. I was so worn out when it was all over. I count myself not to have apprehended though. I know this isn’t something that I can grasp overnight. It’s a learning process, a marathon. I pray God gives me the strength to open my heart and my husband patience for when I lose my way. Lord, help me listen to the Voice of Truth.

“Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth”

Pet peeves, Volume 1

Here's a pet peeve of mine: if you use Facebook (or something similar), stop complaining about it! For crying out loud, do we need a group (support group, in my opinion) for people who hate everything about Facebook, but still use Facebook?!? If you hate it that much, go away, stop using it, and leave the rest of us alone in peace. If you think your friends share too much information about their lives, either don't read it or drop the friend. Why are you whining about it? If you don't want to read posts about this or that, stop whining about it or joining dumb [support] groups and block the application! It isn't that hard. If you figured out how to become a fan of the [support] group, you can figure out how to block ap notifications. There are aps I like and, guess what, am going to post notifications about because I am not the only one that plays these games. But there are others that I do not want to know about or have bogging down my page, so I block those instead of belittling those people who do like those aps. Those games may seem stupid to you, but they aren't to everyone. If you are my friend, this is a part of who I am. How would you like it if I went around belittling the stuff you do. "Well, that's stupid." I don't belittle you for your pastimes, try to show me the same courtesy.

Trying to Get Kimmy to Strive to be Like the Apostle Paul...

I have apparently taken a two month hiatus from blogging. My wonderfully supportive husband has pointed out that I should be writing, but I have been so busy that my blogging had to be put on hold. I have many topics to write about that I will get to in the coming days.

My 7-year old daughter Kimmy has had the hardest time with all of the transitions in our life: my divorce from her dad, our move out of state, and my new marriage. At first, she seemed to welcome all the change. She rallied in support of moving and my marrying Scott and after witnessing her dad almost kill me, wanted nothing to do with him. But, once her dad started to manipulate her, in my opinion, her attitude towards it all started to change. She has asked a lot of really hard questions. It is hard to explain adult topics to a 7-year-old, but on the other hand, I feel she deserves some answers. And I hope that she can learn from these situations as well.

For example, one day she begged me to know why her dad and I couldn't just say we were sorry and make things all better. How do you explain to a child why you absolutely cannot stay married to such a man? Or that you TRIED to do that over and over again? And how do you convey to your daughter that she should NOT marry someone with the qualities that her dad possesses without badmouthing him and damaging the father/daughter relationship that courts and psychologists alike deem so very important? I don't know and this is still a fine line that I find myself trying to navigate.

Yesterday, Kimmy begged an audience with me. What was her topic of choice? She wanted us to uproot and move back to our hometown. She wanted my husband to quit his job and forget his 9 years of seniority (who needs a paycheck anyways, right?), for us to leave this house that we just spent $80,000 adding on to as well as very recently refinancing, for all of us to pack up and move for the third time in a little over a year, she and her sister to change schools for the 4th time in as many years, for me to go back into the same environment as my abusive and psychotic ex-husband...all because she liked our hometown better and had more friends. At first I was angry. I was becoming tired of having to justify myself to her and dealing with her sudden change in loyalty. I was livid at her suggestion that I didn't care about her and wouldn't do anything for her (she will never know all I did for her). A few weeks ago, she was plotting to run away back to our hometown and live with her dad. I told her that we would absolutely NOT move back and it was ridiculous to even think about it. I explained all the reasons not to, as listed above, and left her in tears.

I calmed down a bit and thought back to my teenage years. My mom and dad fought a lot and often mom would leave the house with us kids. Sometimes she would want to head to Oklahoma to live with her sister. I would always berate her and talk her out of it. Why? There was no love lost between me and my dad in those days. I hated my hometown and couldn't wait to leave when I was old enough. Pure and simple, I was selfish. I had friends or a boyfriend that I didn't want to leave behind. I didn't want to start over in a new state. And while I believe a seven-year-old can recover from a move easier than a high school student can, I began to understand and empathize with her feelings.

I went to her more humbly than before and told her that story about my parents. Sometimes now I wish I hadn't talked my mom into staying in Kansas. I wonder what would have been different if we had left. Going through a nightmare marriage myself, I can start to feel bad that I terrorized my mom into staying in hers. (Thank God that I didn't wait until the kids were teenagers to divorce their dad!) I explained to her that even though she thinks it is the end of the world right now and swears she will go back to our hometown as soon as she is 18, I believe in the next 11 years, this will become home to her. She will have spent more time in Missouri than she did in Kansas. I told her that she will make friends that she will feel like she couldn't have imagined her life without, the kind of friends that last a lifetime. I told her that I stayed in contact with NONE of my friends that I knew in second grade or earlier. The friends I have now are those I made upwards of third grade. And I told her again that this is the best choice for us, that it is my responsibility to make decisions that are best for us, and that we will NOT be going back there. And I explained to her that she has a decision to make. She can choose to hate the situation and make herself miserable and make everyone around her miserable and not make any friends and grow up a very messed up kid or she can choose to accept it and look for the good in it and be happy.

The situation took a very humorous turn when my husband chimed in with the evening's devotion, which just so happened to be about being happy. We talked about the apostle Paul and how he learned to be content even in prison. I burst out laughing when he quoted Philippians 4:11b "for I have learned in whatever STATE I am, to be content."

Hi-ho, Hi-ho, It's Off to Work I Go?

Well, I believe I previously reported that I would be able to be a stay-at-home mom. I should have said that my husband believed this to be the case. I was skeptical, but since that is what I really wanted, I was willing to see how it played out. But, as it turns out, there is more expense than there is income.

We worked out a budget and found that, indeed, we are in the red. We were able to stay afloat this long due to some money my new husband had set back, but that can only hold out so far. It would be okay if I was actually getting some child support from my ex-husband (but I am not) and if Billy's preschool wasn't $500 a month. So we began to think that maybe I could just go to work temporarily to make up the difference until Billy is out of preschool and I start getting child support.

I had previously looked into and tested to work for the census bureau. I called the local census office and found it would be easier to retest than for them to try to find my old test in another state and under my former name. So, I went down to city hall and took the test. Turned out that I scored a 27 out of 28. The examiner advised me to take the management test. He told our group that the higher the score, the sooner you would be called for a job. I was hesitant to seek a management position, but figured it couldn't hurt to have options. I took the management test and scored a 24 out of 29. I don't know if that is good or not. I have been waiting for a call with news of a job offer. It's been a couple of weeks and still no word.

Meanwhile, we found out that Scott's work schedule will be changing. A few months back, his company (MAST Ambulance) was swallowed up into the city's fire department, or are in the process of making this changeover. They are now trying to make them adopt firefighters' schedules. This will mean that he won't have regular days off: his days off will alternate. We REALLY don't like this. He's put in nine years there and earned his weekends off, but now he's going to end up missing every other Sunday at church. This back and forth schedule makes it nearly impossible for me to have a job, since Scott is my only source of childcare, unless I work very limited hours while the kids are at school. And with summer coming up and there being NO school, that's even worse. So now we are looking more and more into me working from home, i.e., Amazon selling, etc. And of course praying for God to provide a way through all of this.

News Flash: Christmas is Over!

I often have a hard time giving up Christmas. It's my favorite holiday and there is so much build-up, with the decorations, Christmas programs, shopping, music, etc., that by the time it's over, I feel like a junkie coming off a drug cold turkey. I often get depressed after Christmas. I resist the end by refusing to take down decorations. Once, I left the tree up until Valentine's Day. Last year, I had found an anti-depressant that had worked wonders with me. I had no "post-Christmas let-down." I took the tree down two days after Christmas. But, with all my life changes this year, I had insurance changes too and had to give up my anti-depressants.

I had thought this year might be easier on me since we decorated slightly earlier, giving me more time to enjoy the season, and since my life is significantly better than it has been in the past. But, the busyness made it fly by. First there was the divorce/court, then our wedding, followed closely by our trip to California. After that, we had our Christmas, Christmas with my family in Wichita, the kids went to their dad's, and Christmas with Scott's mom. You'd think all that Christmas celebration would have lengthened it for me, but it didn't. After all that, it was off to our honeymoon cruise. We got back and January was more than half over and I begin to wonder where the time and the season went.

We finally had time (and I was motivated and had conceded) yesterday. It was time because with the construction of the addition to our house, we are rearranging rooms and furniture and buying some new. We bought some new couches the other day at Nebraska Furniture Mart so we had to make room to move things around. We put away the decorations and today put the storage tubs back in their place in the basement.

While my new life situation has significantly reduced my stress and depression levels, I have always had a tendency towards depression. Maybe inherited, maybe just me. So, don't judge me if I still listen to Christmas music or watch Christmas shows to get me through!

My Caribbean Cruise Blog Day 9 (well, technically, it's still my cruise blog, even if we're not on the ship anymore!)

Non-cruiser’s Log, Day 9 (1/17/10)

We got up at 3:30am, thanks to Scott. I had my alarm set to weekdays! We got on a shuttle at 4am and headed to the Miami airport. Side note: I am concerned about any airport whose abbreviation is MIA….

It took a long time to get through security because the line was LONG. They finally opened another line and things started moving faster. We finally got through a little after 5am. We ate a little breakfast, then went to the terminal. We boarded and flew to Charlotte, North Carolina. The only time I have ever been in North Carolina was back when I lived in Tennessee and we went to Cherokee. The mountains are beautiful. I miss the south.

We had a 3 ½ hour layover in Charlotte, so we pulled out the laptops and visited Chili’s for my favorite chips and salsa! I am a little miffed at Chili’s because they took away one of my favorite dishes, the chicken bacon ranch tacos. Now they have these mini corn tortilla tacos and they are not very good. Anyways, I digress…

We finally boarded the plane and headed for home. We got there in no time and took a shuttle to where we parked the car and took off for home. The kids had made "welcome home" signs and had prepared a little "welcome back" lunch complete with streamers strung here and there, party hats, and those funny blowout noise makers. I had a great time, but I am glad to be at home. I really missed the kids. I had the best time, just sharing the pictures with them and having Billy fall asleep in my lap. There's no place like home!

My Caribbean Cruise Blog Day 8

Cruiser’s Log, Day 8 (1/16/10)

Well, it’s all over now! Sniff! We woke up docked at Miami. We got ready, finished packing, and went down to our final meal in the “Garden Café.” We said goodbye to Garry and took his picture. Then we gathered up our things and went down to the “Starlight Theater.” We got stickers to identify us as being on a tour. Then we went out to deck seven and headed out. We walked forever until we got to the baggage (we had sent out two of our bags last night) area and collected our bags and headed to customs. That was a joke because they didn’t even look at my birth certificate. He took our customs forms and asked where we were born and what we were bringing back with us. We mentioned a few items and he said okay, and sent us on. When we left the “terminal,” someone directed us to a tour bus. They loaded our luggage on and we got on and headed to the Everglades.

Scott had been wishing we hadn’t signed up for the Everglades tour, but I am glad we did. For one, I enjoyed it. For two, it sort of extended our vacation past the ship and made the letdown a bit easier.

All along the bus tour, the tour guide talked about Florida and Miami and the Everglades. Not sure I retained much of that info as long as it took me to hear it! When we got to the Everglades Safari Park, we were ushered to a fan boat. Our guide was a comedian. He introduced himself as the janitor and said that his boss wanted him to drive today and that he hoped he could do it and would watch what the other guy did to make sure he was doing it right. We went past a small island at the beginning that had 3 alligators on it, really close to my side of the boat! We rode the boat for a while and saw lots of birds. When we were almost back to the beginning area, we saw four more alligators. After the boat ride, we went through a small museum, which basically had aquariums with snakes, lizards, and turtles in them. Then we went to an alligator show. There were six alligators behind a fence and the guide went in and fed them and showed us different features. It was pretty entertaining how they had different personalities and how they reacted to petting and being fed, etc. At the end, the guide brought out a two-year old alligator that was two feet long. Then we walked around a pond and saw many alligators and species of crocodiles. I didn’t know that Florida is the only place in the world where crocodiles and alligators live together in nature. They said there are a 1.5 million alligators in the Everglades now. We saw 39 total today. The one thing I can't figure out is why they serve alligator meat in their restaurant if they are all about conservation. Makes me wonder how that gator met his end!

We ran into a guy from Wichita in the parking lot. What a small world. We loaded up and headed to the Miami airport. Our flight isn’t until 6am tomorrow, so we found a hotel that had a shuttle service. We were picked up and taken to the Fairfield Inn and took advantage of the free wi-fi and got caught up on our Facebook. We really wanted a burger, but everything was a little farther than I wanted to walk, so we ordered pizza and all the trimmings and camped out. It will be early to bed tonight as our shuttle will head out at 4am! Just vegging out, watching TV and playing on the internet. We were talking about how well we did without internet access while we were gone, but I teased that as soon as we had free wi-fi at the hotel in Miami we pretty much ignored each other the rest of the day. Scott said, "well, no, I sent you an instant message!" Apparently, it was too much trouble to turn around and talk to me! Ha, ha!

My Caribbean Cruise Blog Day 7

Cruiser’s Log, Day 7 (1/15/10)

I woke up once in the night at 2:30am to go to the bathroom. We got up at 7:30am, got ready, and went to breakfast at the “Garden Café.” After breakfast, we went down to “Bar City” to get tickets for the tenders to shore. I would have thought that since this is Norwegian’s private island (Grand Stirrip Cay, Bahamas), they would have a dock, but they don’t. I got tickets for boat three, but that was really kind of silly because as soon as we got back up to the room so I could change into my swimsuit and put in my contacts, they called for boats one, two, and three and herded us all onto whatever boat was there. I was hustling to get ready to go and when we got down there, there were a ton of people and it took forever to board. Finally we got on the tender and headed for the island.

The island isn’t as nice as I was expecting but it was still okay. It was nice to be on the beach on a nice day for a change. When I got up, I thought we were going to have another bad weather day because it was cloudy, no blue sky showing. But by the time we got on the tender, there were patches of blue, and by afternoon, it was only partly cloudy. The temps were in the low to mid 70s which may have been a bit cooler than we would have liked. As long as we were out of the water, it felt fine, nice combo of sun and breeze. But in the water, it felt icy! I tried a bit of snorkeling, but didn’t care for it. Partly I think the cold water made it hard to breathe, but mostly, I felt a bit claustrophobic in the mask and would panic. I did short dunks to look at the rocks and the fishes, but there really wasn’t that much to look at either. I had wanted to get an underwater camera to take pictures while snorkeling, but they weren’t available on the island--should have planned that one ahead, but they had told us we could book it all on the island. But since there was not much to see, it wasn’t that big of a loss. The one thing I didn’t like about the swimming area was that there were so many rocks and uneven ground, I stumbled a lot and dashed my toes a couple of times. I can’t believe I forgot and left my aqua socks at home!

We got out and laid out in the beach chairs until we were dried out and hot, then ate beach BBQ, then went back in the water again. We got out and laid out again, but the sun was getting too hot and I had to go to the bathroom pretty bad, so we boarded the next tender back to the ship. Plus, we had sunburned quite a bit more! Which is fine for me because at least I will go back with some color! The funny part is that I sprayed my shoulders with sunblock to keep them from getting more burned since they were already red, but now, I have a weird splotch that is lighter than the rest, complete with a drip pattern!!! Hilarious! I should have sprayed in the shape of a smiley face or something! Sun tattoos! We’d spent about four hours out there. We were delighted to find the latest towel sculpture that our steward had made for us in our room, two swans forming a heart, with my rose in the middle and a note, saying “happy honeymoon.” We ate some of the cake from the night before and watched “Kung Fu Panda” and Scott took a nap.

I went downstairs alone to get a drink refill, drop off a employee review card for our excellent steward, and redeem my coupon for a free route itinerary map. When I returned to the room, I “watched” the movie Vantage Point and skimmed through the book Scott had gotten last night from David Naster. Finally, I woke Scott up so we could go to dinner. We packed a bit, then went by the shore excursions desk to get a t-shirt that came with our snorkel rental for the day. Then we went to dinner at “Garden Café.” After dinner, we went to the bowling alley. We thought it might be interesting to bowl on a moving ship. We did terribly (we decided we do better on the Wii), so we quit after one wretched game and went back to our room to pack some more and get ready for bed.

Tomorrow is bittersweet. I feel sad that our cruise is over because we have had so much fun and it’s been so relaxing. And who knows when we could do this again. In a lot of ways, I feel like this has been a once in a lifetime trip. But on the other hand, I miss the kids, even if they probably will drive me nuts within the first few hours of being home. And truth be told, I guess I am a bit homesick. I miss my routine and my things.

A few items in retrospect. One thing I didn’t enjoy much about the cruise is how commercial it is. It doesn’t seem to be about relaxing and vacationing as much as it is about selling. Shops everywhere. They really push jewelry, both on the ship and at St. Thomas. Several of the TV channels are even dedicated to shopping or spending money in some way, shape or form. I suppose that if they didn’t push the extras so much, the fares for cruises would be higher, but I felt like I was living in the Home Shopping Network.

I had read that most people tend to overpack, so I tried hard not to. I succeeded in that quest…I UNDERpacked. I ran out of clothes and had to re-wear ones that I hadn’t dirtied too much. Also I had assumed there were certain things that I could find easily, such as contact lens solution or cotton balls. Nope. The only store that sold necessities was closed more than half of the trip. We finally found some contact lens solution in St. Thomas.

My Caribbean Cruise Blog Day 6

Cruiser’s Log, Day 6 (1/14/10)

Since today was a day at sea, we didn’t worry about getting up with an alarm and I decided I would sleep at late as I could. Apparently I needed some sleep because I had another 13 hour night! Wow! Scott got up at 8am, but I didn’t get up until 11. I got up once to go to the bathroom and thought it must be morning (Scott was in the sitting area with the curtain pulled to keep the light from bothering me), but I didn’t care and went back to bed. I felt bad for making him miss breakfast though, but he said he wasn’t that hungry and had eaten a box of Fruit Loops he had swiped from the dining room a few days ago.

I got a shower and we went down to lunch at the “Garden Café.” After lunch, we came back to the room briefly, then went down to the “Crystal Atrium.” It’s a beautiful room that is two stories high, so up above you can see the restaurants on the next deck up. There is a “Java Café” there, the customer service desk, the shore excursion desk, the shopping consultant’s desk, a giant screen, an area for entertainers, and plenty of cushy places to sit. It is beautifully decorated with a glass sculpture, funky chairs, crystals, and a gorgeous ceiling of pink, purple, and blue (my favorite colors) tiles that look like waves and lighted and twinkling icicles in the center. I bought some t-shirts at a table set up in there (buy two get one free) and then we sat there for a bit. We decided to go to a towel folding demonstration, so Scott stopped by the customer service desk, while I went by our room to drop off the t-shirts and pick up my camera and our daily newsletter that outlines all of the activities for the day. I saw that there was a session in the “Crystal Atrium” where we had just been with a comedian that we had mentioned the night before that we wanted to see. So I went up to the “Spinnaker Lounge” to meet Scott. I asked him which he would rather do and we decided to go back to the “Crystal Atrium.”

To my delight (and Scott’s disappointment), the comedian was not being funny, but was speaking about writing and publishing books! So I enjoyed that while Scott fell asleep. Not to worry though, we are getting a DVD of the towel-folding!

We went back up to the room and I started sifting through receipts and gathering stuff together to fill out customs forms. Scott went down to the casino for a bit and I packed up a few things and sat on the balcony enjoying the view, the rocking, the sounds of the waves, the cool temperatures (around 75 degrees), and wrote on my laptop.

I am learning a few ship terms along the way. We are forward, which means we are toward the front of the ship. The back is called “aft”. Middle is obviously “mid-ship”. I had been confused about the left and right, but I think I have it down now. We are on the “starboard” side, or right of the ship. The left is the “port” side.

When Scott came back, we got ready to go and went to the “Teppanyaki” restaurant, which is a Japanese steak house. You know, the kind where the chef cooks the food in front of you, and as Scott says, includes dinner AND a show. I was a little apprehensive because I am such a picky eater. I don’t like much Asian food because they use so many vegetables in their dishes and I don’t like veggies much, especially not cooked ones, except corn and potatoes. Today is our one month anniversary and Scott had a surprise prepared for me: they delivered a red rose to me at dinner and said “happy anniversary!” Everyone at our table said “aw!” It was really fun watching our chef cook. Dinner wasn’t bad. I was adventurous and tried everything, including seaweed. I really liked the chicken in creamy mustard sauce! I could have eaten a whole plate of that. The staff there was great and picked up on our anniversary and brought us out a cake and sang “Let Me Call You Sweetheart” and took our picture.

Afterwards we went to the casino for a bit and I played slots and won nothing and Scott won a little bit at blackjack. We went to get our pictures taken just to get a free itinerary map. Then we went up to the “Spinnaker Lounge” and watched the comedian David Naster that we heard earlier actually do comedy. We found out that he lives in Kansas City and is partial to firemen, policemen, paramedics, and nurses. Scott talked to him afterwards about some people they both knew and he bought his book, “You Just Have to Laugh,” about true stories that turn a hard situation into something humorous.

We went down to the “Garden Café” for a “chocoholics buffet” which was fun, not only because of the chocolate, but because of the chocolate and ice sculptures. Then we went back up to the “Spinnaker” to see a game show called the “Liars Club” which is basically like the game Balderdash. The three panelists, the cruise director, David Naster, and two other comedians known as Sharkbait gave definitions to obscure words and the audience had to figure out who was lying. It was hilarious, but my favorite part was when Sharkbait did an impression of our captain. It was precise, down to the captain’s favorite phrase, “have a smashing day!” and his Norwegian accent.

We tried to stick around for another game show called “the Quest”, but it really wasn’t thrilling us and we were tired, so we went back to our room.

Scott again stayed up reading and I went to bed around 12:30am or so.

My Caribbean Cruise Blog Day 5

Cruiser’s Log, Day 5 (1/13/10)

Wow, has it been five days already??? Yesterday was the halfway point, so I guess so. Sometimes I lose track of what day it is. I believe this is Wednesday.

The alarm woke me up this morning. I slept all night through. I guess all the walking yesterday wore me out. We arrived at the time my alarm was set for, so when I looked out the balcony, we were in the harbor at Road Town, Tortola, British Virgin Islands.

We got dressed and went down to breakfast at the “Garden Café.” Then we returned to the room and got our swimsuits on and gathered our things and went to the Stardust Theater to await our tour. When it was our turn to leave, we boarded a “tender”, several of which I guess are kept on our ship. They are enclosed boats that they use to ferry people back and forth between the shore and the ship when the ship is anchored away from a dock. When we arrived on shore, we were taken to another open-air safari-style bus/taxi and driven a short distance to Dolphin Discovery for our dolphin encounter.

This was the highlight of my week! I LOVED this excursion. If I had it to do again, I might have rather done the “dolphin swim” which give you a bit more interaction with the animals, but I still loved it. I think they said they had 18 adult dolphins and three babies that were born in August. We saw the babies being fed by trainers in another pool area. We stowed our things, got into life vests, and watched an orientation video. Then we headed to the pool and climbed down a set of stairs to a submerged platform. We spent 30 minutes or so in the water, with the dolphin doing tricks and coming by us for us to touch him. The trainer showed us different parts, such as the pinhole ears and how to tell a male from a female. Ours was a boy named Al, by the way. And we each got to be kissed by the dolphin, kiss the dolphin back, and shake “hands” while we were photographed and the whole thing was videotaped. Of course they make a fortune off of that, since it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and if you are in the water, you can’t very well take pictures or video unless you have someone out of the water with you.

After we were done, we took the taxi back to the dock and the tender back to the ship. Since we were already in our swimsuits and the boat was less populated than usual, we climbed in the pool for a while. The thing that I love about the pools is that on both sides of each, there is a wide area, sort of a ledge, that is only 2-3 inches deep. I sat there and was able to soak up the sun, but since I was sitting in the water, I kept cool. It was a beautiful day, around 84 degrees and mostly sunny. I think I added to my sunburn slightly! After a while, we went up a deck to the “sun deck” and I laid on my stomach to get the other side toasted and to let the sun dry me off for a bit. When I got too hot (my suit is 95% black), we went down to the “Garden Café” to eat lunch. Well, that is, after we explored that deck for a little bit. It’s the sports deck and there was shuffleboard and giant chess, a golf cage, and a basketball/soccer/tennis cage.

After lunch, we came upstairs and I showered and Scott took a nap. I got ready and sat watching the scenery as we headed out to sea and played my DS again. Then Scott got up and got ready and we went down to the photo gallery to buy a new memory card for the camera! We went through about 600 pictures and videos! Anyone want to come see slides of our vacation? LOL, just kidding.

Then we went to the Stardust Theater for a murder mystery dinner. I had never been to one, but always wanted to. We were put in a group with Jeff and Debbie and one set of their parents, Greg and Mickey (the other set of parents were in another group). They were from Olathe and were really nice and we had a great time. Jeff played the part of Les Baggs, the escaped convict. Debbie was Nadia Seymour, the model. Greg was Chief Wiki-Wiki. Mickey was Leilani, the hula dancer. I was Holly Day, the wife of a billionaire and Scott was Joey Breakers, the surf dude and murderer! It was a lot of fun. Except I had to go home with a murderer!!!

Then we got a drink refill and headed back to the room to veg. I tried to run to the shop upstairs to get some aloe since we are both sunburned from this afternoon, but they were closed. So we played gin rummy a bit

I marvel at certain things. Like how a huge plane that weighs so much can stay in the air. Or how this gigantic ship that holds nearly 3500 people including the crew and all the sundries that we need and want can float without sinking. We are really moving tonight. We have 800 miles to go to get to the Bahamas Friday, so we are traveling at 21 and a half knots (24-25 mph), when we were going 15-17 (17-19 mph) usually. Yesterday since we weren’t going far, we only went about four knots (four and a half mph). By comparison, 21 knots is fast and the boat is rocking quite a bit.

We went down to the “Garden Café” for a snack since dinner was fancy and a bit skimpy and since I am picky and didn’t care for the offered appetizers and picked out parts of the dessert. We came back upstairs and Scott was teaching me how to play Texas Hold ‘Em. Then we watched Kung Fu Panda on the movie channel, but I fell asleep towards the end, so Scott tucked me in with some Tylenol PM. We had to set the clocks back one hour, so I went to bed at 10 and he stayed up reading. It’s funny, I used to be the one to stay up late, now I am the one going to bed early.

My Caribbean Cruise Blog Day 4

Cruiser’s Log, Day 4 (1/12/10)

I woke up in the middle of the night, coughing and choking, so I got up for a while. We were passing by San Juan, Puerto Rico at the time. After my throat felt better, I went back to bed.

When I woke up, I looked out the balcony and saw a small little rock island going by. We got ready and went to breakfast at the “Garden Café”, then we went back to the room and got ready as we were docking in Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands. The weather was beautiful! Blue skies, sun, and warm temperatures! But, of course, we weren’t going to the beach!

We collected our things and went downstairs. We were docked between a Carnival cruise ship and a Princess cruise ship. I thought our ship was big enough, but Princess was even BIGGER! And I heard later that there was another one that was even bigger than that! I can’t even imagine! We joined a group going to Coral World and took an open air taxi to the other side of the island to Coki Beach. We were a little disappointed in the park, but it was okay. We saw little sharks and sting rays. Then we went in an observation tower that reached below the sea and we were able to go down and look at the fish, etc. We saw sea turtles and iguanas. We took a break to sit and we called Sue to check on things at home because we were getting AT&T service. I had forgotten the two hour time change and the kids were still at home before school, so I was able to talk to them! I was so happy! The longest I have gone without the kids is four days and I can hardly get through their weekends with their dad without talking to them.

Then we went in an area to see different fishes, lobster, etc. in little aquariums and they brought in two sea lions, which was fun to see and made the trip worthwhile. Then we finished up a little nature trail, bought a couple of things in the gift shop, and headed back to the taxi. Our driver, Agnes (cab number 1110, which we remembered since our room number is 11010), took us back to the pier. From there, we walked around the Havensight Mall which is right next to the docks, and did some shopping. Then we caught another open air cab to the downtown area, which wasn’t far and only cost us $4 each.

We walked around redeeming coupons for free stuff (mostly jewelry) and shopping. We also stopped by the post office and mailed some post cards to the kids. We walked and shopped some more. We thought we had to be back at the ship early because we had signed up for a murder mystery dinner, so we headed back via taxi and went up to our rooms and showered. But, we realized that we had the dates wrong. The murder mystery dinner is tomorrow night. Oh well, we were pretty tired from walking and the sun, so we were pretty happy to be in. I painted my nails with my new nail polish from Del Sol, which changes colors in the sun. Then we went down to dinner at the “Garden Café.” Since it was early, it wasn’t very busy and we got a nice table right by the windows with a beautiful view of the bay and the sailboats and the coast of Charlotte Amalie.

After dinner, we refilled our drinks and went back to our room. We sat on the balcony as the ship departed and watched St. Thomas fade away and the beautiful sunset until it was dark. Then Scott took a nap and I watched P.S. I Love You on the movie channel. I am so glad that we have the balcony room. I don’t mind being in my room when we have such a spectacular view and a door to let in the fresh sea air. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have an interior room and not be able to see the outside except in the common areas.

I guess I was wrong about the Caribbean sea. I guess we will be in the Caribbean for a while in the middle of the night. Our little loop to kill the night before we dock in Tortola tomorrow. And I was reading in our excursion description that our trip tomorrow includes being in the Caribbean sea.

I was flipping channels after my movie and found out that there was a 7.0 earthquake and strong aftershocks in Haiti, which shares its island with the Dominican Republic, which is where we were yesterday. Pretty scary that that is so close. They are saying it was felt as far away as Guantanamo Bay, Cuba (which we passed by 2 nights ago), and that there were initially tsunami watches for Puerto Rico (which we passed by last night and are still not far from) and the Bahamas (which is where we will be Friday). I am wondering what time exactly the earthquake occurred because twice while we were shopping today, I felt like I was still on the ship, because it felt like the floor moved beneath my feet. I had to do a double-take and realize I was on the ground, not the ship. I blamed it on “sea legs.” But over dinner, Scott said he felt the same thing. It makes me wonder if we felt it there in the Virgin Islands. So devastating for the poorest nation in the western hemisphere, but I am so thankful for God’s protection for us.

I tried to wake Scott up to go get a snack, but he was near comatose, so I went out by myself. I went through the “Garden Café” and grabbed a few pieces of this fabulous bread that tastes like a soft pretzel. No, really, REALLY soft! And I got an apple along with the bread to take up to the room in case either of us got hungry again. Then I went to pick up our portraits that had been taken Sunday night. They also had up our picture from that morning, leaving the gangway, encountering some friendly pirates. It was a good picture and it’s hard to get pictures of us both together and since it is our honeymoon, I would like more of us together. So I bought it. I refilled both of our drinks and walked around some tables set out with $10 watches, pashminas, purses, and wallets. I didn’t see anything I couldn’t live without, so I headed back to the room.

I played my Nintendo DS for a while (Dr. Layton’s Diabolical box) and then we ordered some dessert from room service. We were watching two other cruise ships from our balcony not too far away. We had seen two others in port today, but had heard that there were two more somewhere. It was interesting to see their lights in the dark. I sometimes feel a bit panicked when I think of how deep the ocean is or how we are out in the middle of it and how I don’t swim very well or that there are sharks somewhere. But it helps when I can see land nearby or the other ships. When I saw the other cruise ships, I asked Scott if we were circling the wagons. Maybe the “pirates of the Caribbean” were upon us! I went to bed and Scott stayed up reading.