4-12-2021 Journal Entry, aka A Word of Encouragement

Tonight at GriefShare, a man told me he felt like God wanted him to tell me that He gave Scott to me as a symbol of His love. 

12-7-2020 Journal Entry, aka Unanswerable Questions

Sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong decisions, like pushing Scott to do the bi-pap or listing him as a DNR.  But then I remember everyone has a time to die and this was his time.  His death did not surprise God. 

My journey through grief

I struggle with depression, anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder.  My latest bout with depression has dragged on for over a year and my husband's death overlapped that.  Several people have suggested I blog about my journey through the grief of losing my husband so maybe I can help someone else.  I warn you that this is going to be raw, straight from my journal, except where I need to edit for privacy's sake.  It's not going to be pretty and right now it's not very inspiring.  I hope that God can use me somewhere along the way.

I Love You Too Much Not to Warn You (or to care what you think about this blog)

The question of whether a loving God would send anyone to hell is a stumbling block for many. It's a question Christians are often asked of their faith. If our God is love, why would He condemn any to a lake of fire? The conclusion of those who do not have a personal relationship with God is that either there is no God or that He is mean and vindictive.

God IS love. No, He isn't willing that any should perish (II Peter 3:9  "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."). Why else would He send His only son to die for us? He has pulled out all the stops to prevent those He loves from going to the place created for the devil and his demons. Those that end up in hell choose to ignore His gift., His exit strategy, His sacrifice, His love. They choose to go their own way. They are there by choice. This is the downside of free will: the freedom to make the wrongchoice.

Some Christians don't believe that there is a literal hell, that all the references in the Bible are figurative.  However, if you take the literal hell out if the equation, the whole theology of Christianity collapses. If there is no hell, why is there a death? Death is decay brought on by sin. If there is no hell, what is the point of death? Why shouldn't we go on living forever, or be raised to heaven, one and all? And if there is no hell or death, there is no consequences for sin. And if there is no consequences for sin, is there sin at all? If there are no consequences, how do you tell right from wrong? If there is no consequence, couldn't we live however we want and do what we want.? If there is no sin, why did Jesus die? If there is no hell, no sin, why would he have to die? If there is no consequences, no death, then he couldn't die. This destroys the whole crux of our faith. If Christ didn't die for our sins, why are we here?  If he didn't die for our sins, we should stop right now.  We have no hope.  We should pack it in and go home.  If he didn't die for us, then the Bible is a lie and we shouldn't trust any of it.  But, the good news is that he DID die to pay the debt against us.

When I was in high school, a classmate constantly ridiculed me for my faith and teased me about worshiping Satan. Before we were even upperclassmen, he was shot and killed accidentally. It broke my heart, thinking of his rejection of Jesus' gift of salvation.  A not so close family member died around the age of 40 from hard living. Although I hadn't been close to her, the funeral left me broken and weeping. The striking aspect of the funeral was the complete lack of hope. The wailing and sobbing was poignant, a stark contrast to the funerals of those who trust in Christ. One of the worst experiences with death I have ever had, if dwelt on for too long, reduces me to panic attacks because of the heartbreak it represents. My former father-in-law thought he had plenty of time. He said he'd make things right with God eventually, but for the present time, he wanted to live the way he wanted to live. He died a couple of weeks after he told me this, at the age of 40.  I loved him very much and it still breaks my heart to think of him in hell.  But, that was his choice.  His choice was to reject the Savior.

Please don't make the same mistakes that these made.  You don't know how much time you have.  Don't wait.  Waiting is saying no.

I am reminded of a couple of songs, whose authors are much more eloquent than I:

Thorns on his head
A spear in his side
Yet it was a heartache that made him cry
He gave his life
So you'd understand
Is there any way you could say no to this man?
If Christ himself was standing here
Face full of glory and eyes full of tears
And he held out his arms
And his nail-printed hands
Is there any way you could say no to this man?
How could you look in his tear-stained eyes
Knowing it's you he's thinking of?
Could you tell him you're not ready to give him your life?
Could you say you don't think you need his love?
Jesus is here with his arms open wide
You could see him with your heart
If you'd stop looking with your eyes
He's left it up to you
He's done all he can
Is there any way you could say no to this man?

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends?
What then?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends?
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside?
That's all you find

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes?
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

You've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you're wrong?


I am reminded of an article that I read online not that long ago.  An atheist said that if we as Christians truly believe what we say we believe, then we should be out there telling people, regardless of what they may think of us.  He said he respects someone who believes they have hope and the answer, sharing it with others.  If I had the cure for cancer, what benefit would it be if I kept it to myself?  How selfish!  What I have is infinitely more precious and necessary.  What I have written may offend you, but if I truly believe it (and I do) and if I truly love you, then I can't walk on eggshells. There's no time to be politically correct.

God's Desire

This blog is called "writing practice," but it's been mostly journalistic in nature. I've written "articles" taken from my everyday life, which is fine, but I feel I should also insert more of my creativity. I wrote two versions of a short story a few months ago and I added a little creativity to my last post, but I plan to do this more often. The other day, I dug through some of my creative writing files to find a poem for my grandpa and I found some that I want to rework.

Jesus is calling
O sinner, repent.
Your life is unclean
And in constant torment.
You do what you want,
But you're longing for more.
Your existence is empty,
Won't you open the door?
He's waiting for you
With open, loving arms.
He'll keep you safe
From the enemy's harms.
Jesus is calling...
Please, sinner, repent.

The Holy Spirit is calling,
O Christian, obey.
There's numerous ways
To serve Christ today.
He'll speak to you
Through His divine Holy Word.
Your God will instruct you
Though not a voice can be heard.
In prayer, you'll talk with him
As you come boldly to the throne.
With mercy and grace,
He'll lead you toward home.
The Holy Spirit is calling...
Please, Christian, obey.

The Father is calling,
O Christian, please go.
My love to all sinners
I want you to show.
Be a light everywhere, wherever;
Tell what God has done for you.
Spread the gospel in your sphere
Tell each Catholic, Agnostic, and Jew.
Then cross the oceans,
And win foreign lands.
As you, all over the globe,
Proclaim the kingdom is at hand.
The Father is calling...
Please, Christian, won't you go?

The Godhead is calling,
O Christian, come home.
The streets of gold stand ready,
For the redeemed to roam.
The mansions are built
By a Carpenter for you,
Silhouetted against
A sky of deepest blue.
Your work is complete,
You can lay your burden down.
Loved ones gone before
Wait to show you around.
The Godhead is calling...
My child, welcome home.

WARNING: Very Personal and Highly Emotional

I almost didn't publish this as it is soooo personal. But, I feel better when I write. I am able to express things much better and I usually feel better once I have worked it out and gotten it out. And maybe my struggles are not unique to me. Maybe someone else feels the same and needs the encouragement.

My heart has been calloused. Out of self-preservation, I fought to make my heart stony, so that I wouldn’t hurt anymore. It didn’t always work so well, as I still felt pain occasionally, but I believe I am still here today because I taught myself not to care. If you have read my earlier posts, you know that I went through a divorce last year. My ex-husband hurt me continually. Sometimes, when I would feel it getting to me and the tears would start to well up and I felt my heart breaking, I would steel myself against it. I would fight hard, telling myself over and over again, like a mantra that I did NOT care. I would fight back the tears so much that for a long time, I didn’t think that I was capable of crying anymore. What resulted was this calloused feeling that little mattered to me. Sounds harsh, and in some ways, I hated that feeling, but in others, I knew I couldn’t live without that wall that I could hide behind when I was scared. I COULD make it on my own. What’s the worst he could do to me? Leave me? I don’t care. Hurt me? I don’t care. Say mean things? I don’t care. Cheat on me? I don’t care. Even kill me? Well, then that just makes you my new best friend since you are sending me home, to a place where there is no more pain. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.

Problem. What happens when you get remarried? Callous is still there. On one hand you want to let that someone in your heart and life, but on the other hand, you are TERRIFIED that if you open yourself up, trust, expose your tender underbelly, that he will hurt you too and it will hurt worse the next time. And the statistics on divorce for subsequent marriages bears that out. My new husband is wonderful. From the beginning, he made it clear that it didn’t matter to him how I felt (I’m sure to a certain extent). He believed that if he treated me the way he was supposed to, I couldn’t help but love him back. My love for him has come in stages or bursts. I loved him early on, but I held a lot of myself back. I was afraid to care too much, lest he hurt me too. Yes, of course, I knew he wasn’t my ex-husband and I wasn’t comparing them, but part of it was fear that all men were the same and part of it was fear that it was me. Maybe it didn’t matter who I was married to, maybe the problem was me and then it wouldn’t matter who I married, they would all leave me once they knew me. Regardless of the reason, I held out—and Scott knew this and accepted it.

Sometimes out of the blue, I have discovered that God has peeled back a part of the callous that encircled my heart and I felt more love for my husband and trusted him more. Those times have not been easy. Part of me wants to fight it because I am afraid. In my head, I know that Scott will not hurt me and wants only to protect me, but in my heart, I can’t accept it. I have all sorts of reasons why, which make sense to me and keep me resisting. The last couple of weeks, God has managed to remove a very large chunk of the callous—so much so that I think there isn’t much left to protect myself with. Ouch.

Satan hates us and wants to destroy us and our marriages. He wants to rob of us of our joy. He wants to wreck our families. He is out for our blood. I have felt him attacking me the last few weeks. At first, I couldn’t figure out what was bothering me. I had a general sense of unease and discontent. I felt tense and I couldn’t sleep at night. A few months ago, we had a Sunday school teacher that told us when she couldn’t sleep at night, she knew it was God keeping her awake because He wanted to talk with her and she would use that time to pray. My husband reminded me of that several times when I couldn’t sleep, so when this bout of insomnia hit, I began to pray. But, I guess I was praying about the wrong things. I prayed for others because I didn’t think anything was wrong. But, gradually, little things started to come up where Satan was undermining me and making me doubt. He started with small things. Insignificant, niggling little things that don’t seem to amount to much on their own. Nothing was really WRONG, but something didn’t FEEL right. These things piled up until I collapsed under the weight of them this morning as I sat in the floor of the shower, sobbing and praying. If my husband had come in at that point (thankfully he was at work), I couldn’t have articulated what was wrong: nothing…everything…a bunch of little, stupid stuff that would make me sound like a hysterical, raving lunatic! I would have been totally embarrassed at that point to verbalize the thoughts in my head that had me reduced to bawling in the shower.

God helped me to understand that the pain I was feeling was this large chunk of callous being removed. I felt exposed and unprotected, vulnerable, totally at the mercy of my husband. Previously, I knew I loved my husband, but I felt like I had held back enough of myself that if I lost him for any reason, I could survive it. Wouldn’t like it, but I could hold it together. Now, I am not so sure I could handle it. The pain of the callous being sloughed off my heart is, I believe, equal to the pain I was originally protecting myself from! So, what was the point of hardening my heart at all? It wasn’t even worth it because the softening of my heart is just as painful! It feels like a strange recipe: “to soften the heart, marinate in tears…”

God taught me today that even though I have this fear of my husband hurting me or leaving me, a fear so great that it leaves me sobbing in the shower, I have no control over the situation. I can’t control my husband and what he says and does. I can’t protect my marriage or hold it together by myself, which is something I learned from my last marriage. And worrying about it won’t change anything either. All that will do is make me miserable, as illustrated by the shower sorrow.

What can I do with that? I could live miserably scared and neurotic. I could harden my heart up again. Or, I can control the one thing that it is within my power to control: myself. First, I have to trust God. He is the only One that can protect my heart and my husband and my marriage and my family and my kids. He is the ONLY one that is 100% worthy of my trust and the One that loves me more than anyone else. I learned last year, as evidenced by previous song lyrics I posted on my blog, that when the entire world fails me, He is the One that is there to catch me when I fall. Men will surely let you down, but God will not. If I invest my trust in Him, it is safe. I can trust Him to protect my heart. I saw a play many years ago in which a young man offered his heart to God, but when a girl came around, he asked for it back. But she broke it. He picked up his heart and handed it back to God who fixed it up, but it wasn’t long before he asked for it back to give to another girl. The moral of the story was that his heart was only safe when he left it with God. If He feels it is necessary to soften my heart, He must have a reason. I have to follow Him first, no matter what anyone else is doing or if my life is falling apart around me. He has proven to me already that He can hold me up and get me through it. Second, I have to be what I should be. I need to strive to be a good wife and mother and Christian, not for anyone else, but “as to the Lord and not unto men.” Third, I have to follow the advice of 2 Corinthians 10:5: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Regardless of what Satan tries to tempt me with, which gets me all twisted up and confused and depressed, I have to take every thought captive and test it against the knowledge of God. Don’t let my mind run away with me and get me into all kinds of trouble. Fourth, I have to let go. In Romans 12:1, it says, “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.” Many years ago, I learned that I have nothing on my own. I say “my” husband and “my” kids, but they aren’t mine. I didn’t die for them, I didn’t pay for them with my blood. Only He can protect them and take care of them. They have been lent to me. And God can take away loved ones at any time. That’s His right, as they are HIS. So, I offer myself, my life, my family on the altar. They are Yours, Lord. Problem with a living sacrifice is that it keeps crawling off the altar, though, so I must continually offer everything I have to the Lord. Things change, people change, but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. That’s what I have to hold onto when I feel like it’s falling apart and I can’t control anything.

I feel like I have been dropped in the middle of a fairy tale. Prince Charming came and rescued me and provided me with everything I need to live happily ever after. But, the problem is that I can’t enjoy it. I sit here, waiting for the dream to turn to a nightmare. I can’t live my life like this. I have to enjoy what I have and the beautiful life that God created out of a messy wreck. I have to stop living in fear so I can enjoy my life. It is truly a blessed life.

Rough day I’ve had. It’s funny how God can teach you and really work you over spiritually and emotionally while you go on about your day. I was so worn out when it was all over. I count myself not to have apprehended though. I know this isn’t something that I can grasp overnight. It’s a learning process, a marathon. I pray God gives me the strength to open my heart and my husband patience for when I lose my way. Lord, help me listen to the Voice of Truth.

“Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth”

Thanksgiving 2009

My thankfulness post may be a long one because I have so much to be thankful for.

First and foremost I am thankful that God sent His Son to die for me and took the punishment for my sin upon himself so that I may have an eternal home in Heaven. Words can’t describe how wonderful that gift is. All pales in comparison.

I am thankful for my children. Only one of them was a planned pregnancy, but God sent the other two to me at special times in my life when I needed them. They are each unique and special and enrich my life. Though they often frustrate me and make me angry, I cannot imagine a life without them in it. I feel as though they are my entire purpose on this earth. I am grateful for their good health as my heart breaks to see parents lose children in death. I appreciate Arrena’s responsibility and willingness to help even when not asked. I appreciate Kimmy’s sense of humor and her intelligence. I appreciate Billy’s bond with me and his observation skills. I am thankful for the privilege of having them lent to my care for a short time and pray that I will not waste the opportunity and that they will grow up to be all God has planned for them.

I am thankful for my family. I love my mom and am so very grateful for her care for me. She has really gone above and beyond this year, allowing me and the kids to live with her for a time, loaning me her only vehicle, lending me money, and generally being there for me. She is (again) making me a wedding dress. She and I may not always see eye to eye but she is always there for me. I remember one night this year in particular when I called her, bawling my eyes out and she talked to me and calmed me down and gave me direction to get through the problem. I am thankful that my mother raised me the way that she did, that she taught me God’s Word, kept me in church, taught me to read, was a stay-at-home mom in my early years, etc. I am thankful for all the rest of my family. I have many loving members of my family that I am proud to say I am related to. I am thankful that God answered prayers this year for my grandpa’s health. I feared he wouldn’t see another Christmas, but he is still with us.

I am thankful for God’s financial provisions. This last year has been a very hard one, in many ways, but especially financially. I hadn’t planned on being a single parent. I had actually wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and my husband had agreed. So I didn’t go to school and learn a high-paying skill. I eventually went to work part-time to try to pay down some debt, which never seemed to go away. When I found myself parenting alone, the part-time pay was fine as long as we lived simply and had child support money coming in. But when the kids’ dad lost his job, he stopped paying. I tried to go full-time, but any extra I made went to paying for childcare for me to go to work, so it made no sense and helped us not at all. I also had to pay for health insurance. And then work started cutting my hours even further. Sometimes I was only bringing in about $650 a month. My rent alone was $575. How do you support 3 kids on that? My ex and I had also been supporting his missionary foster parents with $50 a month and I knew I had to keep that going because they depended on their support to live. God also burdened me to pledge $10 a month to our faith promise missions at church, in addition to my 10% tithe. $10 doesn’t sound like a lot, but it was to us. I had no idea how I could afford all of this. But I read Luke 6:38-- “Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” and Malachi 3:10-- “ ‘Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house, and try me now in this,’ says the LORD of hosts, ‘If I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it.’ ” And God’s Word is true.

Early on in this divorce/separation, I was staying at my mom’s and I had nothing to my name. I had no car, no money, and it was not payday week for me. I ran out of foundation make-up and conditioner. No big deal in the grand scheme of things and not something I would complain about. Who cares about makeup when your life is in a shambles and I’d just have to live with brushing tangles out of my hair the hard way. But then there was a knock on the door. I was tempted to not answer it, as it wasn’t my house, but I did and found a group of women in the yard and on the porch. They handed me a heavy gift bag and invited me to a “Friend Day” at their church (which, in a twist of fate, was the old building of my old church, where I “grew up”) where they give away clothing and canned food and free medical screenings. I thanked them and went inside. When I opened the bag, I found it was full of cosmetics, including foundation (and in my skin shade!), and some hair care products--no shampoo, but a bottle of conditioner! Tears sprang to my eyes and I knew that if God would take care of little details like conditioner and makeup, He would handle my needs as well. My little insignificant details were important to God. Wow! And when times were tight, God always provided. It doesn’t make sense, the numbers don’t add up, but at the end of the month, I always had enough. I paid my bills and gave to the church and the missionaries. It was always there. Sometimes it was interesting how God provided. I had to swallow my pride many times. I had to go on food stamps and go to a clothes closet and a few food pantries, which I loathed doing and was so ashamed of, but I came to see it as God’s provision. Twice, the kids’ dad came up with some money when I needed it. And when Scott came along, he sent me a check for $500 to help me out. I resisted because I didn’t want to take charity or owe him anything. But I prayed and asked God to provide another way, but if not, I would know that Scott’s money was meant to be God’s provision. I had seen too much for too many months to doubt that God would provide. It became a matter of “how” not “if.” God provided no other money that month, so I swallowed my pride yet again and cashed Scott’s check.

And now, I am pleased to find that God has placed me in a sound financial situation. Scott makes good money, enough to where we feel like I will probably not have to work and will be able to be a stay-at-home mom like I always wanted. I am thankful that he had some inheritance money built up so that he has been able to accommodate us and our needs. He has been paying for my lawyer and bought many things to make us more comfortable in this house and make it home for me and the kids. And he was able to pay for a new addition on his home to give us more room. Construction started a couple of weeks ago. While money doesn’t buy love, the practical side of me had that aspect on my list for a potential husband: financially responsible and secure. I am ever thankful for how God has provided for us this year and I trust that He will in the coming years.

I am thankful for encouragement from God, which has come in many forms. Song lyrics are an obvious choice and I won’t go into all of the ones that have spoken to me as you can read them here in this blog. Scripture verses that I find at timely junctures in my life are another encouragement. Today I was reading Psalm 37 and found it very soothing for what is occurring in my life at this moment. I may blog that one, it’s so good. It was mentioned in my Sunday school class last week, which causes me to believe it was not accidental, but a seed planted for me to harvest in my mind later as the week’s troubles unfolded. Once when I went to one of the food pantries, I got home and was unpacking the food items. At the bottom of the large sack was a random bottle of conditioner! I felt like it was God's little love note to me, His reminder of how He provides for me! sort of a, "Don't forget, Robin, I will even provide you with conditioner!" There have even been times when I feel like God is revealing a truth to my heart, such as Jesus dying for me PERSONALLY, not just as part of the collective world, or about my feeling condemned and like a failure because of my sin, or about there being something greater in life than my personal struggles, or feeling that God is with me in the midst of fiery trials and that He is in control of it all and has my best interest in mind. Knowing that He is ultimately in charge, not any judges in a courtroom or whoever, and that He will ultimately work things out for MY good! There have been some instances where I felt encouraged by being able to get back in touch with friends I hadn’t talked to in a long time. One day, a woman walked through the YMCA locker room singing a hymn that fit the need in my life at that particular moment. I saw a note on a piece of mail at work that had the words to a hymn and the phrase "If you can't see past earth's shadow, look to Jesus and his light!" There are times when a specific word or phrase or verse comes into my heart at the precise right time. There have been times when I have felt like God has literally caused me to stop what I am doing and come to Him in prayer, pouring my heart out. Once I truly felt pushed to the ground and held there. I needed to stop and rest and receive peace and comfort and I did. In the courtroom, I felt like Jesus was there, holding my hand, and in my mind I imagined reaching my arms up to my Father to hold me like a child and was calmed by the thought. The list could go on extensively.

I am also thankful for my future mother-in-law, whom I not only like, but truly love to death. She is a sweet, wonderful lady. It’s very nice to have a mother-in-law that you like because I have had the other kind and it ain’t pretty! I have gotten along well with Sue since we met over 16 years ago and even continued to write her after Scott and I broke up back then. Whenever she wrote back, she was sensitive to my feelings and never mentioned Scott to me, which I was always amazed at. She prays for us and encourages me often. She has welcomed me and the kids into the family with open arms and as though we were not tainted by divorce and remarriage and step-parenting, etc. She treats us as her own. I love her as a mother-in-law, but also as a friend. And she babysits too! ;)

Finally (I think), I am thankful for Scott. I am thankful that he never stopped loving me in 16 years. That’s so amazing to me that I can’t comprehend it. I am thankful for how he treats me. It is radically different than what I have experienced and it feels nice to be put on a pedestal. He accepts me with all my faults and some of what I thought would be deal-breakers, he actually finds endearing! What’s wrong with him? Ha, ha. I am thankful that even though I tried to scare him off, he wouldn’t run. I am continually amazed at how eager he was to take on all my baggage, because, let’s face it, there is a LOT of it. I am thankful that he has not only accepted my kids but actually loves them and treats them very well. I am thankful that he is willing to help me parent and does such a great job with Billy--better than I do even. I am thankful that he is generous and was willing to give up his money to buy trampolines and swingsets and tickets to Hannah Montana concerts and pay for preschool and a lawyer and to add on to his house, among many, many other things. I am thankful that he wants to go Christmas shopping for the kids with me, even if that caused a minor misunderstanding. ;) I am thankful that he is so even-tempered and doesn’t get mad often and when he does, his reaction is to become quiet. I am thankful that he is willing to help me with chores around the house. I am thankful that he agrees with me not working. I am thankful that he brings me flowers. I am thankful that he listens to me and remembers what I say. I am thankful that he searched for and found a replacement for something that had been very important to me. I am thankful that he went to Jared's (ha, ha)! I am thankful that we have a lot in common. I am thankful that he is an encouragement to me. I am thankful that he gave up his brand new SUV for me to drive while he drives his old pickup truck to work. It’s a minor thing, but I am glad that he likes to decorate for Christmas. There are so many things that I appreciate about him that I would be here the rest of the day if I were to list them out. I’m not delusional, it’s not all a bed of roses, and there are things about him that drive me nuts, but I appreciate him more than I can say. More than anything I appreciate how he was there to catch us when we fell. God worked it out so that he was there at the right time to be able to take us in and care for us when we had nowhere else to go. I can never thank him enough for willingly walking into our nightmare and accepting all that came with it. I love you, honey.

I’m sure if I sat here the rest of the day, I could think of many more things to be thankful for. But I will leave it at that.

And while I am not thankful FOR the situation that I am in now, I am thankful while I am IN this situation (I Thessalonians 5:18-- “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”). Romans 8 says that God will work it all out for my good and to conform me to the image of Jesus Christ. The ultimate goal is to be more like Christ. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow!

It Is WELL With My Soul

That is one of my all-time favorite hymns. It's been my favorite since I was a small child. I have learned the story behind it and even wrote a paper about it in Bible College. How many hundreds of times have I heard this song? And yet, when I heard it a few weeks ago, I learned something new.

"Though Satan should buffet
Though trials should come
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed his own blood for my soul."

Whatever Satan tries to plague me with, whatever I've done, Jesus looked ahead in time and saw me for who and what I am and he saw my sin and still chose me and died for me anyway. He paid for it ALL. My hanging on to guilt is doing his sacrifice a disservice. I'm placing myself in God's place as judge. I don't have to do anything to receive salvation and forgiveness, just accept and receive it.

"Though his eyes were on the crowd that day,
He looked ahead in time...
He knew me, yet he loved me...
So unworthy of such mercy,
Yet when he was on the cross,
I was on his mind."

Once we receive that forgiveness, we have to let it go. Satan tries to point to our failures and say, "See? You will never measure up!" But we have to remember that God has forgiven and truly forgotten our sin.

"It happened so long ago
And I cried out for mercy back then.
I plead the blood of Jesus
Begged him to forgive my sin.
But I still can't forget it
It just won't go away.
So I wept again, 'Lord wash my sin,'But this is all He'd say,

What sin, what sin?
Well that's as far away as the east is from the west.
What sin, what sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness.

The heaviest thing you'll carry
Is a load of guilt and shame.
You were never meant to bear them
So let them go in Jesus name.
Our God is slow to anger
Quick to forgive our sin
So let Him put them under the blood
Don't bring them up again.
Cause He'll just say,

What sin, what sin?
Well that's as far away as the east is from the west.
What sin, what sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness.

Lord, please deliver me from my accusing memory.
Nothing makes me weak this way, then when I hear you say,

What sin, what sin?
Well that's as far away as the east is from the west.
What sin, what sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness."

I had another "epiphany" while I was at church recently. Something was being said about Jesus' death. I KNOW how wonderful that is, but I found myself thinking, "well, yeah, but of course he would give up his life to save all of mankind." I mean, sheer numbers, volume! But I felt a lurch in my heart as I was nearly brought to my knees. I FELT the words, "If you had been the only one, I would have still died for you." I couldn't stop the tears that suddenly welled up. Talk about a boost of self-esteem... Or as I've heard before, "if that don't light your fire, your wood's wet!" Truly awesome!

Perspective

All of this mess and chaos that I am dealing with now is only temporary. Someday the striving will all be over and in light of eternity, what will all this matter? What is your life? It is a vapor that is here for a short time and then vanishes away. "I will rise when He calls my name. No more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise on eagles' wings, before my God, fall on my knees." All of this is not what's important. There is something (and Someone) greater.

Another thought: if God be for us, who can be against us? I know I am a child of God. I know the children are His as well. He knows our needs and will provide and protect us. "How much more will our heavenly Father give to us?" Why should I fear when I know I am on the winning team? "I shall not fear what man will do unto me." Me and God can defeat any army! Well, He doesn't need me to do that. He has our best interest in mind so I will trust Him to see the plan through.

"Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." --Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Good Questions...

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace

Why are you crying

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough

To where will you go child

Tell me where will you run

To where will you run

And I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall

In the dead of night

Whenever you call

And please don't fight

These hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

This is What it Means to be Held

Held by Natalie Grant

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

I have loved this song since the first time I heard it. I listened to it again today and was thinking about about how poignant is the line that says that this is how it feels when the sacred is torn from your live but you survive. It makes me think of having everything being swept off a cliff, but you remain, clinging to the edge, dangling. Something about that word "survive" in that song conveys how you feel when you have been through an emotional torrent and you have absolutely nothing left in you, except your life. Wow, do I know that feeling. And I am so glad that I am not still there. I praise God that I was held. He didn't cause the chaos in my life, but He caught me when I fell and held me. What a comfort and strength to know that the God of the universe is not too busy to hold us. That He is concerned about our problems and, like a daddy, is there to pick us up when we fall and hold us to Him. And how wonderful is it to know that we can stretch our arms out to Him, with tears streaming down our faces, and know that like a father will cradle his toddler, God will pick us up too.

Blessings & Encouragement

The following verses are courtesy my friend Felis (what an unexpected encouragement!):

I Peter 1:6 "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while." (NLT)

Psalm 62:5 "My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him." (NASB)

I have good days and I have bad days. I seem to be okay if allowed to just float along, but when forced to make a decision, I panic and crumble. My counselor said this is a sure sign of depression and thinks an antidepressant will help immensely. Tomorrow I see the doctor so hopefully that will be accomplished soon. I long for a time for my mind to be still so I can think clearly.

I keep reminding myself of the things that I have learned that I have written here. I think I need to go back to reading that book. I put it aside to read another one I found by Joyce Meyer, but I don't like it as well. I can't seem to find the HOW to what she writes about. All she writes is true and sounds good, but HOW do you do it? How do you put it into practice?

I feel like I should list the ways that God has personally showed me love in recent days (sort of counting my blessings):
* delivered some things I needed right to my door when I didn't have the money to buy them (I have meant to share this story on my blog, but I will do it at a later time)
* allowed me to find and get in touch with two of my dear friends that I haven't been in touch with in years
* Felis' Bible verses on her Facebook page which were exactly what I needed at the time
* the lady in the YMCA singing "I Need Thee Every Hour"
* in the midst of my weeping over a situation, God speaking the word "trust" to my heart which stopped me in my tracks
* the mail piece I was keying on which was written the words to a verse of the song "Trust & Obey"
* the other night (I will share more about this later as well) when I felt God personally encouraging me and lifting me up
* my best friend calling me out of the blue (we don't get much time to talk on the phone these days, so it had been a while) at the exact moment I had been thinking about her

...and countless other things, I am sure, that have happened that I am likely not even aware of. I know that God is there and He is personally concerned with me. That is such an awesome thought. With all that goes on in the world and the universe, with all the billions of people on this planet, yet God knows me and my life and my details and cares about them and shows His love. I am humbled.

Matthew 7:7-11 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Romans 8:31-32 "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

In the words of one of my favorite songs (MercyMe's God With Us), "Who are we that You would be mindful of us? "What do You see that's worth looking our way?"

Psalm 8:3-4 "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"

More musings on the book I am reading (& my Bible reading)

I was reading about how useless worry is. I knew that in my head, but gained new insight with some comments from the book In Pursuit of Peace. Worry won't change anything. Duh...but seriously! If it won't help and likely will hurt, why bother wasting time and energy on it? And if God will take care of you, why worry? Trust Him! And worrying about other people? You can't change people. You can barely control the outcome of your life, let alone anyone else's. Why worry about what anyone else does or says or thinks? They will do what they will do and you can't change it. Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

II Corinthians 5:7 says, "For we walk by faith, not by sight." Our feelings do not always convey truth. Our feelings change. We cannot trust our feelings. Satan can use our feelings against us. He can change our feelings.

I know I quoted this one yesterday, but it is well worth repeating. Matthew 7:7-11 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 9:20-22 "And suddenly, a woman who had a flow of blood for twelve years came from behind and touched the hem of His garment. For she said to herself, “If only I may touch His garment, I shall be made well.” But Jesus turned around, and when He saw her He said, “Be of good cheer, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And the woman was made well from that hour." Matthew 17:18-21 "And Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of him; and the child was cured from that very hour. Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.”

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." I have been trying to focus on God as much as possible (through prayer, Bible reading, my books I am reading, and music) to try to keep the negative thoughts at bay. When I do, I am okay. When I don't, the depression creeps in. Today while I was at the YMCA, I was getting sad and depressed while in the showers. It really gets me when I am totally alone, showering or driving to work, etc. When I got out and was at my locker, getting dressed, a woman walked by and was singing "I Need Thee Every Hour." So you can see what an unexpected blessing that was (and so I can see it whenever I need it), I will put the lyrics here:

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their pow’r when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

What the Devil...?

I have been reading a book by Joyce Meyer called In Pursuit of Peace. I don't know that I accept everything that Joyce Meyer says and stands for, but I sometimes find some good things in her books. She has written much about your mind and depression and broken hearts and peace and joy, so I have started reading some of these.

In the section I was reading last night she was talking about Satan stealing your peace. I found this interesting because I had been thinking recently that a lot of the problems and obstacles in our lives and marriage have always seemed to be to be almost Satanic attacks, by nature. I don't know how to explain that, but it seemed like things have always been coming out of the blue, so to speak. We could be on track and then something blindsides us and derails everything. But, I couldn't figure that out. We're nobody! Satan doesn't fool with those who aren't a threat to him. He messes with those that can make a difference and are strong in their faith because they can do the most damage.

She mentioned the verse in Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." I guess I had misunderstood that verse all these years or at least not looked at it critically. She said that the enemy is Satan, not people. We blame people and circumstances for our trouble (and I have!), but it is Satan that is the real enemy. She pointed out that Satan is a liar and not to believe his lies. God will bless your faithfulness and wants us to prosper and will bless us if we follow Him. Satan wants to keep us hopeless, he sets us up to be upset. The Bible says in Daniel that Satan wants to wear out the saints of God. Joyce Meyer said that that indicates that it will be continual trouble, not just a single attack. And she said that if Satan can't get to you directly, he will try to get at you through the people close to you.

Satan has made me hopeless. He showed me my situation and convinced me that it will never change and made me fearful, so I gave up trying. Romans 8:15 says, "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father'." Matthew 7:7-11 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" I Peter 5:7-9a "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith...." James 4:7 "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

But, how do you resist the devil? I am still pondering that, but here is a good start: Ephesians 6:10-18 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

I know this is kind of a strange blog, but it has been on my mind and I wanted to get all the bits down in coherent thought so I can cement the truth in my mind. And refer back to this later when the fear tries to come back.