1-3-2021 Journal Entry, Handling the Meltdowns

Tonight we had another huge meltdown with Billy over the xbox so I took it away.  He called me a <expletives> and threatened to hit me.  I warned him that if this behavior continued I'd have to call the police to take him to the hospital.  I should have done so.  He refused to stay in his room and kept yelling profanities.  I locked myself in my room since he wouldn't stay in his.  Then he turned to weeping over his xbox and threatening to kill himself.  He kept knocking at my door, wanting "to talk" and slipped a note under the door that said, "I'm sorry mom," but he's only sorry about losing the xbox.  Meanwhile, I'm in my room weeping and sobbing, asking why Scott left me behind.  I need him for these things.  He could handle this or we'd tag team when one of us were at our breaking point.  He'd have never let Billy have the xbox, so why did I?  Survival mode is what my therapist would say.  But now I've created this monster.  It's my own fault.  And now he's worn himself out and fell asleep and I'm still sitting up crying.  Arrena's not going to live here for the next 2 1/2 years until Billy is grown.  How can I do this without Scott?