While I will be glad to see this year end, it's a year you won't see and that makes me sad. Another thing you'll miss in a list that will only grow longer. 2020 will always be the year I lost my husband. How do I keep moving on without you?
Early this morning, Billy crawled into your side of the bed. In my sleep-filled mind, for a second, I thought it was you, coming home from work and going to bed.
I started writing my grief blog tonight. Something to do besides scrolling Facebook. Who knows if anyone will ever read it. God, I hope my puny words will be used by You to help someone. Because sharing these pages is not easy, it's personal.
I took a bath last night and cried a lot. I am so lonely without you. I begged God to help me. Out of the blue, at 11pm, a friend from our old church messaged me and asked if we could come over for dinner Saturday and we could talk, cry, whatever, even spend the night since they moved to the Kansas side. I told her she was an answer to prayer and she said she'd heard it.
It's crazy that I looked forward to going to the dentist today so I'd have something to do. And I sucked that nitrous in like a drowning man, so I could not care about anything for a little bit. Billy was at Jessica's, so I prolonged it by going to Walmart and then to the bank. Then there was nothing else so I took a long nap while Billy played xbox.
I've given to some more charities. I hope I'm being a good steward.
Maybe it's that I'm tired from driving back to KC. Maybe it was my great-uncle's funeral today back at Lakeview, but I'm feeling sad today.
Billy had another meltdown before the funeral.
I see your Gatorades still here from when you were sick (Billy is about to finish them off) and your diet Pepsi's and I just still can't believe you're gone. I keep expecting you to be mad I'm letting Billy play your xbox or be mad I'm spending money, which you wouldn't really be mad about, also which I wouldn't have if you were still here.
I have a feeling it's going to be a rough night and I'll end up in your bed.
Earlier today, Isidro gave me a gift. Inside was a card, a coloring book (Words of Grace) because I told him I lost my creativity, and a devotional called Peace in the Face of Loss. The first devotion covered Proverbs 19:21 and Deuteronomy 32:4 and how our plans aren't always HIS plans. How many times have I said we had more to do, places to go, PLANS? Isaiah 55:8, 9.
Yesterday I went to the funeral home. Two of the things I ordered for Scott's mausoleum haven't arrived which makes me mad. Jayde was supposed to meet with me, but she got stuck at Resthaven. Isidro came and sat on the floor with me in his suit and chatted for quite a while. We talked about family, depression, death, and being a Christian. I didn't know he was a Christ follower. He said through his depression, it moved from head knowledge to heart knowledge. We also talked about Chiefs and Raiders. He gave me the paid bills for the funeral that Jayde was going to give me. I need them for the lawyer to do probate for the house and the van.
Today I spent most of the day at mom's with Billy. Arrena drove down tonight. I watched Abundant Life's Christmas Eve service.
I've been teary all day. The music, watching It's a Wonderful Life on TV, etc. I've been surreptitiously wiping tears all day. I think Billy noticed.
Billy said yesterday that I cry all the time and that he hears me. I said I didn't cry all the time, so he asked why I sleep in Scott's bed. He's also started saying I'm an alcoholic because he saw rum in the outside fridge. He said it a few times in front of my mom, who doesn't approve of any alcohol. I had to take him aside later and explain what an alcoholic is and why I'm not one.
Anyways, here's the first Christmas without Scott. And I'm already teary and couldn't get in the "Christmas spirit" this year. Arrena put up her little tree in her room, but I didn't decorate at all. I felt like putting a black wreath on the door.
One month. 30 days. The longest by far we've been apart and no end in sight. How long til I join you there? Short time for you. Interminable for me. Tomorrow we drive to Wichita one month after we drove there with you on our final road trip together. I'm going to decorate your grave. I know you thought that was dumb and not necessary but it's how I was raised. And how I remember you. One way I remember you. I know you wouldn't have decorated mine if things were reversed but I'll still decorate yours until I'm unable to walk
We've had our first Thanksgiving without you, first anniversary without you, first month without you, now first Christmas without you. It hardly seems fair to pile them all on at once.
I slept in your bed last night, Billy usually comes in and crawls in your bed in the mornings but he was up at 3am and slept in my bed. I had therapy today. I cried when I talked about how you pushed me to take care of myself and were my cheerleader and now I have no one. We talked about me finding a purpose and motivation and energy. And about letting God be my cheerleader. I still hear your voice in my head.
A month and I still have your work shirt hanging up, your shoes on the floor, and your clothes you wore to the hospital in your belongings bag. And I can't put them away. Sometimes it feels like the grief gets worse instead of better. The grief coach said it wouldn't be so in my face in time.
I spent more on the kids for Christmas than we ever have. It made me feel a little better. I also gave to some charities. I know "to whom much is given, much is required." I deposited the union's life insurance check today. The first of 3.
My great-uncle died. I'm sure you know and have seen him. I wonder if grandpa, grandma, my great-aunt, and my great-uncle are playing dominoes together. Do they do that there? I have so many questions.
I know this is going to sound obvious but when someone dies, they just leave everything and go. It's not like a divorce where they pack up their stuff. Little reminders everywhere. His sports stuff on the walls, his contacts in the cabinet, his shampoo in the shower, his shoes on the floor. Everything is still here but him. The other thing they leave is a big hole. In your heart. In your life/time. Where he is, does he miss me? Does he even think of me?
Today Tara took me to fire HQ for "paperwork". It turned out they were giving me a Tvedten angel, named after a firefighter that died in the line of duty in 1998. It comes with a "Secret Santa" cash gift. They choose one person each year. They also gave me proclamations from the mayor, the governor, and the words that congressman Cleaver spoke on the floor of the House of Representatives. There were also flags in cases that flew at half-mast over the state capital building and a small one that flew over the U.S. Capitol. There was a challenge coin from the state marshal and cards received from all over the nation. It was a lot to take in. When I took the cash to the bank, they asked my occupation so I hope the IRS doesn't come after me. We also stopped by E2 Embroidery and they had an ornament for me and a check from a fundraiser they did the week of Thanksgiving for us and the family of the captain that died.
Two nights ago, we went to see Christmas in the Park, which takes hours because of the long lines. Billy didn't like going because he was taken away from the x-box. He threw a small fit. I must teach Arrena how to deal with these because as a sibling, she seems to make it worse.
Yesterday, Billy and I had antibody tests which showed we are immune to Covid for about 3 months after having it.
Tonight Billy had a HUGE meltdown. I need Scott. He could handle these better than Arrena and I can. And I think Billy is raging so much because he's grieving in his own way. I don't want to call the police on him, but I know I need to if this continues. Maybe I should call his doctor.
Disclaimer: I was tempted to either skip this journal entry or heavily edit it, but I want to be real and honest and raw. What was funny is that in my devotion last night, it was about forgiveness and forgiving people who are even heartless about your grief and loss. Sometimes people say stupid things. But, the author, who lost a child, encouraged her readers to forgive as God forgives us. It only festers in the heart and creates bitterness. So, I am endeavoring to forgive these ladies that hurt my feelings so deeply.
I'm so MAD! Arrena tested positive for Covid today and I posted about it and Scott's death because they are both about people not wearing masks (Arrena was around some anti-maskers at her boyfriend's church). Later, a "friend" posted about you can't blame Covid or the "face diapers" if you smoke, drink, or eat too much, It felt like she was saying Scott deserved to die because he was overweight. Arrena isn't, so what's the excuse there? How dare she say such things where I can see them and people I have known most of my life agreeing. The one posting never even expressed condolences on his death. I want to unfriend all these "Christians" that don't act Christ-like. One said, "I hate how it's assumed we aren't being Christ-like." You're NOT! If you refuse to wear masks and protect life, how can you say you are acting Christ-like? I've just had it with people like this.
Arrena officially moved home yesterday. Today wasn't as horrible as I feared, mostly because Billy was here doing virtual learning, Kimberly was here cleaning (for money), and I was on the phone most of the day handling business. But now that everything is quiet, I looked at pictures and Facebook posts from previous years and cried. I miss him so much and I don't know how to do life without him. He pushed me along with my depression and made sure I was taking care of myself. He was my cheerleader. The grief coach said to go on to honor him, but I don't know how. I slept in his Chiefs' shirt last night, in his bed (we had adjustable beds pushed together), with his pillow. and his covers. I've been turning my back on it but I wanted to feel close to him especially on our anniversary. With some help, I got into his pictures on his phone, even if I can't get into the phone itself. It upsets me because it feels like losing another piece of him. But, it's just a collection of apps.
Arrena moved most of her stuff back in today. Kimberly came over to detail the van for money. I split the donation between the two of them. I'm dreading Monday because it would have been our 11th anniversary.
I met the grief coach today. She lost her husband too. Billy found Scott's high school and army rings, so I am wearing his school ring like I used to.
I made a lot of phone calls today. Stephanie from Scott's shift came over to chat and gave me money from donations. Tara came by and gave me a check from a fund. I picked up the death certificates today.
I just feel blah and empty today. But I had to get up and get ready because I got a new counselor today. She works at Abundant Life Counseling Center. I am meeting with the grief coach Friday.
Scott Carroll Davidson was born September 15, 1975 in Little Rock, Arkansas, to Sue Davidson. He was the only grandchild to LeRoy and Grace (McRae) Kratochvil. He passed from this world to the arms of Jesus on Sunday, November 22, 2020 after a brief battle with Covid and pneumonia.
Scott was raised in Wichita, Kansas, by his
single mother Sue, a nurse, who also passed from this life this year. Scott was a student at Baptist Tabernacle and
Sunrise Christian Academy. He then went
on to Wichita State University, before receiving two degrees with Butler County
Community College in Emergency Medical Services. He moved to Kansas City in 2001 to become a
paramedic. He was also a communications specialist during his 19-year tenure
with MAST/KCFD.
Scott's friends and co-workers knew him as a
kind, deeply caring, funny, honest, good man with a gentle soul who loved big
and would help anyone. His smile would
light up a room. His co-workers already
miss him and are heartbroken. He saved
countless lives as a paramedic and truly cared about his patients. He was described by KCFD's chief as the
calming voice in dispatch. The love of the fire department was shown this week
as firefighters and EMS personnel turned out to give him a hero's send
off. He was praised by Mayor Quinton
Lucas as "a wonderful man who served the Kansas City Fire Department so
well and the community he loved." He was a friend who was there whenever
he was needed. He was held in the
highest respect.
Scott married Robin on December 14, 2009, also
taking on the job of raising three children.
Scott and Robin met in their youth department when they were teenagers
and dated. He said he felt like he
missed his chance at happiness when they broke up. They reconnected on Facebook and he knew
immediately that he wanted to marry her.
Before their second first date, he bought her a sapphire ring and had
put a diamond ring on layaway. His co-workers said that his world lit up when
they became a family, which was all he ever wanted. He turned his bachelor's home into a place
for children, adding onto the house and purchasing a swingset and a trampoline,
among other things. He always thought of
the children as his own, not step-children and was very proud of them.
Scott and Robin enjoyed traveling with the family
and had a goal to see all 50 states.
Scott was a lover of history and enjoyed visiting historic sites. They traveled from East Coast to West
Coast. He enjoyed camping. They also enjoyed two cruises to the
Caribbean. Scott was an avid KU
basketball fan, a KC Royals' fan, and a rabid Chiefs' fan. He never missed watching a Chiefs' game and
was so proud when they won the Superbowl.
On his 40th birthday, his mother and wife gifted him with ultimate fan
experiences and he was able to attend the games of all of his favorite teams.
Scott and Robin rarely argued and were best
friends. If he wasn't at work, they were
together. They were married 10 years, 11
months, and 8 days. Even while he was in
the hospital fighting for his life, he was concerned for Robin's health and
future, should he never leave the hospital.
Scott was also a firm believer in Jesus. He attended church his entire life, studied
the Word of God, preached as a teenager, and loved the Lord with all his
heart. His life exhibited what he
believed and he would want everyone to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
Scott was preceded in death by his mother Sue,
his uncles Bruce Eby and Bill Fowler, and his grandparents, LeRoy and Grace
Kratochvil. He is survived by his wife
Robin of Raytown; "bonus children" Arrena Flores (student at Calvary
University), Kimberly Flores (student at UCM), and Billy Flores; and his aunts
Patricia Eby of Mariposa, California and Barbara Fowler of Grant's Pass,
Oregon.
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