2-26-2021 Journal Entry, aka What to Do

The siding is done, just waiting on that vent cover and the gutters.

I've been having a lot of anxiety this week.  I have a PRN anxiety pill which I mostly don't use.  The other day I took 2 in one day.

Isidro gave me a phone number (looks local) of a widow who lost her husband 2 months after me in the hopes we'll hit it off.  I'm sort of nervous about texting a stranger out of the blue, but who knows--we could become friends.

I found a Christian widows group online, so that's helpful, rather than all the "medium" talk.  I'm still a part of the Widows of Covid-19 group and post some godly quotes or devotional stuff there, praying to be a witness, but I'm leaning more on the Christian group.

Sunday we went on a tour of the church after taking an assessment of our spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, and experiences to try to find where we fit to serve.  I'm still confused about where I fit in.  My "host" suggested I go to a discipleship class before I decide.

A friend asked me to take pictures at her grandma's 90th birthday.  I was terrified and I don't know why.  My friend Jessica talked me into it until I realized it's the same weekend as Billy's spring break, my planned trip to Wichita, and a ladies' retreat a friend is planning.  Why are they all the same weekend?  I can never say no, so I seriously tried to figure out how to do everything.  I want to get out, I just get so worn out when I do.

And I think we've decided on getting a pet dog.  I told Billy my requirements and he picked one from the shelter website.  I called and left a message about it today.

2-17-2021 Journal Entry, aka Exercise

We finished putting my treadmill together and the past 2 days, I've walked a mile each.  I'm hoping some exercise will release some endorphins and help me with my depression and energy.  I have so much I need to do but the motivation is just not there.  Hoping also to lose some weight in a healthy way.

I applied for another fund yesterday and I already heard back today that I was approved for money towards his funeral and encouraging me to apply for phase 2.

Some of the ladies in my widows' group are talking about consulting mediums.  I have no idea if I should stay with this group or not.  How do I minister to them?  At least I'm not "sorrowing as ones who have no hope."

2-11-2021 Journal Entry, aka Not a Good Day

Billy got to go to school today so I went to the bank and Union Station to pick up a Chiefs/Royals picture I ordered.  I made a phone call and even talked to a lawyer today (who suggested a different lawyer), but I don't feel like, "yay, I did something today."  Even while I was out, I just wanted to be back home.  What's at home? Nothing. I sit.

One really bad thing about the widow group I'm in is when they start asking spiritual questions.  I have those answers, but how do you comfort someone that most likely lost their loved one to hell?  I just can't.  I don't know what to say.

I dropped a whole casserole upside-down in the oven.  The kids ate it anyway.  I couldn't I felt so sick.  I just feel like crap today.  It's just not a good day.

I have this stack of grief books and some days I just can't read them because I can't deal with my own grief.

I haven't taken Scott's stuff off our shared phone calendars, so it still shows all the days he's supposed to be at work.  The past to weeks, he was supposed to be "on call."  His last "on call" for the sign up period.  It's both a comfort and and knife to the heart seeing "Scott on call" on my phone.  And upsetting that it's going to be gone in a couple of days.  Such a small thing but they all add up.

2-2-2021 Journal Entry, aka Groups

Arrena sent me a news story about a Facebook group for widows of Covid.  I joined it but I'm not sure yet if I like it.  It's hard to read your story over and over again.  But, it's also nice to have people who understand what it's like to have gone through this disease and come out different.  It's nice to feel understood and commiserate with others who've had people trivialize their loss by asking what the underlying condition was.  Most of these people who died were healthy until they got Covid.

I started going to GriefShare at the church's counseling center last night.  I had a hard time even getting out of the car and I definitely cried.  But, again, it's nice to have someone to talk to because sometimes I feel like a burden to my friends and family.  I feel like they avoid the topic to keep me from feeling bad.  But, I feel bad all the time.  But, do they want to hear it all the time?  Maybe I'm the one really avoiding it.  I don't know.

Billy watched Iron Man tonight.  It was the last movie Scott watched in the hospital, so it made me cry.  I need my antidepressants back so bad.  Tomorrow's my appointment, I pray he can get insurance approval.

Today they started working on my siding.  I had to do a bunch of paperwork with my financial advisor today.  And the church got my tithe check, so they called to talk to me and pray with me.