Arrena's been in Michigan all week. It's been quiet without her and without her boyfriend coming over. She motivates me, so I've been slacking on cooking and I nap a lot. I'm bored. I'd watch TV but Billy's taken it over with the xbox. I'll be glad when school picks back up so there's a schedule. Weekends and holidays don't help depression.
I've caught myself thinking of "bright sides" of Scott being gone. How ridiculous and awful. I feel guilty. But maybe those things can help me keep going and moving forward. For example, up until his mom died, we lived paycheck to paycheck. He tithed to the church but wasn't one to be generous to strangers and give money away. I am. But I didn't have money of my own to give. Now I can and that gives me purpose. Sometimes I get it backward and fear I wished him gone. But, it's not that. I'd give almost anything to have him back. I'm just making the best of a bad situation.
I know I'm not the first or only person to lose a spouse and many have lost children, which I can't fathom. But sometimes it feels like I'm in utter darkness alone. I feel like a burden if I talk about him or my grief. If I post about our anniversary or it being one month that he's been gone, I'm not looking for pity or even sympathy, but remembering him the only way I know how. And sharing how I'm feeling with friends, so I don't feel so alone.
Because of "The Fall", it's so common to lose those we love. But it doesn't feel common when you go through it.
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