8-14-2021 Journal Entry, aka Billy's Baptism

Billy was baptized Wednesday but he didn't want us to come or to sit with us and nearly made a scene.  As I watched some of the kids being baptized, I started crying.  Partly it was his attitude toward us and wondering if he really changed/repented.  Partly I was thinking about Scott and Sue and what they were doing.  And partly I watched some kids opt to have their parent baptize them and I wondered what they did differently because none of mine wanted me to do it.  Billy didn't even want me there.  What did I do wrong that these kids are closer to their parents than I am to mind?  I know all my screw ups, but am I the only one making mistakes? I'm trying so hard and have all their lives.

Billy's continuing this attitude today, saying at least he works and I just sit on my ass.  He also called me a fucking whore.  I'm so tired of the disrespect and I'm tired of my husband's money supporting us all still, yet Kim doesn't acknowledge it and Billy just doesn't get it.  Without me and Scott's provision, there's no money for food, internet, video games, cell phone, gas to drive him around, etc.

8-7-2021 Journal Entry, aka Covid Argument Part 2

The reply I got wasn't exactly what I'd hoped.  For a sermon on humility, I didn't see much of that in the response.  He admitted in church he has a problem with pride.  I didn't find any personal responsibility in his reply.  No "I'm sorry my words hurt you."  Not even and acknowledgment of my Bible verses.  Some of it seemed like he didn't even read all of my email.  Here's the reply:

Thank you for sharing your feedback with me, Robin.  I am deeply sorry for your loss and the hurt you're experiencing.  I tried to articulate both sides of the issue in my sermon.  At one point, I said that if I had a family member or someone close to me who died of Covid, I would see it differently.  I totally understand your perspective, and the whole point is there are multiple perspectives, all of which are valid, depending on how Covid has affected someone personally.  I think everyone in a situation like this is allowed to have their own opinion and make their own decisions.  I am very sad for your loss, Robin, and for everything you have gone through with your husband's passing.  I am praying for you and for God's blessing and comfort as you grieve.  God bless you.

I was very angry, both at him and the majority of Christians who don't take this seriously.  It's not a matter of opinion to me--it's a difference of right and wrong.  I was hesitant to talk to my therapist about it but she seemed to understand my point of view.  I didn't tell her it was specifically my Pastor, just that it was someone I looked up to and respected and was in a position of authority.  She may have guessed.  But she talked about creating boundaries with him but I don't know how you do that with your pastor (I go to an extremely large church).  She reminded me that Christians aren't perfect.  I just find it really disconcerting that I can count on one hand the number of people who believe like me.  I've really been struggling with anger.  Then I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of when Jesus broke the commandments down to 2: love God and love people.  Even if I feel like most Christians aren't showing love for others in this pandemic, my job is to love them regardless, even if they aren't following Scripture in this.

8-6-2021 Journal Entry, aka Maine Part 2 and Covid Argument Part 1

The night desk manager was really nice and wrote everything down longhand.  He asked me to come talk to the manager the next day.  He got me some water and snacks and then showed me to my room, which was only 2 doors down.

I woke up the next morning, hearing people talking and the song "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" being played and sung.  And Billy called, saying he hadn't gotten his meds and that his teammates were mad at him because he didn't understand the games so he ran back to his room.  So, I called his leader, the youth pastor, and then the special needs' director.  They got his meds and left him to acclimate for a while.  I got up and got ready and decided to have an easy day and went to Kittery, Maine and visited a Trading Post.  Then I went to Kennebunk and Kennebunkport to see some houses.  The next day, I got up early and drove to Cape Cod and then took a ferry to Martha's Vineyard and watched seagulls fighting over a package of hot dogs and picked up some shells.  I took a ferry to Nantucket but I couldn't find the beach for the shops.  On the ferry back, I was soaked with sea spray.  I got back late.  The next day I got up early to go to Boothbay Harbor to take a cruise out to see Puffins and other birds.  Then I drove to Bangor to see Stephen King's house.  Then I went to Bar Harbor/Acadia National Park and took a sunset cruise.  It ended up raining so no sunset, but we saw seals.  I picked a restaurant and ordered crab cakes and a lobster roll that I ate in the car.  It was delicious.  The rain stopped, so I went and did a little shopping.  When I headed home, I got a phone call from Billy's group leader saying that he had the best news ever, that Billy ha accepted Christ and wanted to be baptized.  I was so happy but cautious.  I could imagine Scott and Sue celebrating in heaven.  It started pouring rain and the 3 1/2 hour drive seemed to last forever.  I didn't get to sleep until 1am, but I had to get up at 4am to drive to Boston, return the car, and get on the plane.  I'd shopped enough, I ended up checking a bag.  I slept through most of the flights.  I arrived at 3:05pm, got my car, and went to get a drink and Billy's meds.  His doctor wanted to change some of his meds to address his violence.  Billy was supposed to arrive at 5, but at 4:15, while I was in line at Walgreen's, he called that he was at the church.  As I arrived, it was pouring.  I parked in the handicap spots as close as I could get.  Billy couldn't find me, so I walked around looking for him.  Found him back at the car, mad and cursing at me for his getting wet which was somehow my fault.  I was disappointed to see the same behavior.  He ended up apologizing because he was mad that he lost his backpack with his wallet inside it.  I called his leader and the youth pastor and they said they'd look for it.  He found his wallet with him and they found his backpack.  He told me he'd felt pressured to pray to accept Christ and he didn't understand, so I took him through the My SharePal app and explained things to him.  He said he believed and wanted to be baptized.  They couldn't do a baptism the first Wednesday because a lot of the kids that went to ONEweek came back with Covid.  So, he's supposed to get baptized next Wednesday and they're working to find a way to disciple him.

I also came home to hear my pastor preaching a series about humility and talking about opinions.  He said he doesn't see why we need a vaccine for an illness that has a 99% survival rate and that he won't force anyone to wear a mask, but if he'd had a a loved one die or if he were an ICU nurse he might have a different opinion.  But opinions aren't worth fighting over.  He definitely presented the anti-masker, anti-vaxxer position the most and got lots of agreement from the crowd.  I was angry.  Arrena asked if I was going to send him a message.  I did:

I met you a few months ago at one of the Dinners with the Pastors events.  I said I was a nee widow whose husband died from Covid.  You told me to call on you if there was ever anything you could do for me.  Today I feel degraded and dismissed.  I respectfully disagree with some of the things that you said in yesterday's sermon.  I understand that your main point was that Christians disagree and fight over opinions, but my husband's death is not an opinion, it's a fact.  It's very hurtful when I hear people say there's a 99% chance of survival when my husband was in the percentage that died.  My husband as more than a number, more than a statistic.  He was a paramedic who saved lives.  He was a follower of Christ that taught me more about the love of the Father than anyone ever has.  He took my children is as his own and raised them even though he never got to hear "daddy" or walk one of my daughters down the aisle.  He gasped for every breath for two weeks but still praised God while he was dying in the hospital alone.  You didn't know him but he was faithful and watched you preach from his hospital bed.  He's still paying for my daughter's upcoming wedding, still providing for me, and still giving to this church.  I know that the Bible says that everyone's days are numbered before there was ever one of them, so I know that those that died would have died regardless of the reason.  But I would hate to be personally responsible for that death because I didn't wear a mask.  We know so little about Covid that we don't know anything about the long term effects of those who do survive.  Myself, my daughter, and my son--our sense of smell has never been the same since we had Covid.  People end up with ringing in their ears or long-term damage to the lungs, heart, kidneys, brain, and other organs.  Just because you don't die doesn't mean Covid won't affect people in profound ways.  I don't wear a mask to protect myself.  I wear a mask to protect others around me.  I wear the mask because I care about others and I think that should be the focus.  As Christians we're told to look to the needs of others not ourselves.  As for the 99%, I think of the passage in Luke 15 where Jesus left the 99 to go after the one.  I'm reminded of Paul's letter to the Corinthians about meat offered to idols: "But take care that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.  For through your knowledge he who is weak is ruined, the brother for whose sake Christ died.  And so, by sinning against the brethren and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ.  Therefore if food causes my brother to stumble, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause my brother to stumble." And "All things are lawful, but not all things edify.  Let no one seek his own good, but that of his neighbor."  We check our liberty where it affects our brother and if that means that we might make someone sick then we should be the first to mask up.  If we say we value life, then why don't e act like it and at the very least cover up our germs?  I know the Bible doesn't say anything specific about Covid but we apply biblical principles to those things that are not covered.  I was going to GriefShare at (my church) but when the leaders started talking about their opinions of Covid, knowing what I'd been through, I quit going.  It was no longer comforting and too hurtful to listen to people say that.  And I have found that the people who are the most insensitive towards me as a widow are those that are Christians.  All I hear is about how their freedoms are being taken away.  I've even been told by a Christian friend that it's my husband's fault he died because he wasn't 100% healthy.  If I wasn't so strong in my faith, that would be a stumbling block to me.  Thankfully my faith is in God, not the church.  It's sad that my husband's death has become fodder for everyone else's opinion.  If my husband had died of cancer, no one would have anything to say, but because Covid is political, everyone thinks they have a right to their opinion.  It shouldn't be political because it's people's lives.  You were right about what you said: if you had lost a family member or friend, you'd have a different opinion.  No one will truly understand unless sthey have to go through it.  And he's not the only one I know that's died.  1% seems a lot bigger when I  know 4 people who have died.  In the end, I guess my point is that wearing masks and being vaccinated shouldn't be an "opinion" amongst Christians.  The question should be "what can I do to help my brother or sister?  What can I do to help those who haven't yet given their life to Christ?

To be continued...

8-4-2021 Journal Entry, aka The New England Vacation, and Maine Part 1

Life's been kind of crazy.  In the beginning of July, I took Billy, Kimberly, Eli, and my mom on a vacation to the New England States.  We landed in Boston (flew first class for the first time in my life), and drove to Philly where we stayed for the first half.  The first full day, we were going to spend 4th of July in DC.  But, between a delayed flight and trouble getting a rental car, we were up late and slept in.  Then we had to drive to DC.  The place I thought we could catch the metrorail was under construction so we had to catch a shuttle to another station.  By the time we got up to the street level, mom was tired and needed a rest.  We were going to have to walk a couple of blocks to catch the night tour.  We were beginning to realize mom couldn't make it and she said she'd just sit on her walker while the rest of us went.  I don't remember what set Billy off, but he started cursing and mom and I got onto him so he started cursing at us.  Mom raised her hand to slap him and I just lost it and smacked him upside the head.  The next thing I knew I was seeing stars.  He'd punched me in the head and then took off down the street.  The streets were so crowded and there was police around, I expected one or both of us to be arrested and I didn't care, but nothing happened.  He texted the group that he only makes things worse, but that sounds like his dad--not sorry, just manipulative.  I started crying and Kim hugged me and said it wasn't my fault.  I felt bad for the car situation the night before (I had forgotten to raise my spend limit and the bank was closed) and I knew that if I'd had Scott's help planning the trip, it would have been better.  By the time Billy came back, the trip was ruined for me.  I didn't want to be around him and I felt I didn't even like my own son.  My head hurt for a solid week.  We decided to give up and go back to the hotel.

The next day we drove to NYC and rode the open top tour bus.  Then we took a river cruise around Manhattan and learned a lot.

The next day, we did a tour of Philadelphia, then we drove to Hershey, PA, to see the Hershey Factory.  I'd hoped one of those days we'd have time to go to Atlantic City, but we didn't.  I also wanted to drive through Amish country, but everyone was tired, so we just went straight back to the hotel.

The next day, we drove back to Boston, but went through Connecticut and Rhode Island.  We stopped in Mystic, CT, where they have a cute little village of shops.  Then we saw some of the mansions in Newport, RI, and then we went to the zoo in Providence.

The next day, we were on a Boston trolley tour.  We were supposed to go to Gloucester to do a whale watch cruise but the tour made us miss it, so we had to reschedule it.  Mom and I wanted to see Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard, but the other 3 wanted to go back to the hotel and we couldn't leave Billy in the room alone.

The next day we drove up New Hampshire and down Vermont.  We stopped in Littleton, NH, and Stowe, VT.  I tried to stop at Ben and Jerry's factory, but no one wanted ice cream.

The next day was supposed to be Maine, but we did the whale watch cruise in Gloucester.  It was really fun.  Tropical Storm Elsa had gone through the day before and they said they'd never had so many sightings.  We saw 2 pods of 4, among others.  They kept popping up on the right side of the boat and we were sitting on the left.  We could all run to the other side, but mom couldn't.  One of the crew told the captain, so he turned the boat around.

The next day, we flew home.

I started calling Billy's school, his therapist, his case worker, his church group leader--anyone to get some help.  My therapist suggested that I had pretty much checked out after Scott died and let Billy do whatever he wanted.  So, I told Billy I was sorry I had checked out but I'm back now and there will be rules and he will follow them or else he can't live with me.  It was like he had taken over and it was all his rules.  I couldn't talk to him without him yelling and cursing at me.  I told him that if he had to go to Ozanam or Gillis, he'd lose his job at Chick-fil-A and his dog.  He started doing better at doing what I said.  He also was working almost every free moment, except Wednesdays with youth group, Saturday mornings (therapy), and when they're closed on Sundays.

At one point, he had a problem with his sister at work and said he was quitting and cussed at his sister.  I told him she's protecting him from being fired but she wanted him transferred to another store.  He freaked out because he likes this store and apologized to her.

Last night he was upset and wailing because he thought he was going to be fired because he was scheduled to close and I came to pick him up at 10 so they told him to go ahead and go.

I was sad I had missed going to Maine and Billy was going to go to ONEweek (church camp), so I decided to go to Maine by myself.  I dropped Billy off early on a Monday morning and I went to the airport.  I just took a carry-on and my backpack,  I thought things were starting off great because I got to watch a Gerard Butler movie on the way to Charlotte, my layover.  I kind of missed first class because I was stuck between two men and one spilled his Dr. Pepper down my pants' leg.  When we got to Charlotte, there were storms there and we were forced into a holding pattern for over an hour.  They were talking about landing somewhere to refuel.  Finally Charlotte cleared us to land.  But, they wouldn't bring out the gate because there was lightning. So we sat for over an hour before they let us off the plane.  They told us not to worry about missing connections because Charlotte wasn't letting anyone take off or land.  I got a text that my connection was canceled and they wanted me to rebook for the next day to Boston.  I looked at alternatives and found one to Manchester, NH and booked it.  It kept being delayed and then the gate changed.  When I got to the new gate, they were boarding for Portland, Maine, which is where I was going to stay.  I thought about seeing if I could change my ticket, but I looked up rental cars there and they were almost double the price.  After more delays, I finally got on a plane.  I was scared I wasn't going to make it to the rental car counter in time.  Most are 24 hour, but this one closed at 1:30am.  We landed at 1am, but we were still taxiing!  And I was about halfway back in the plane.  When I got off I asked the nearest person where the rental cars were and she said the next building over!  I walked as fast as I could and arrived at 1:15.  The only car left was an orange Chevy Equinox.  It was better than the Ford Explorer we had on the last trip.  It was uncomfortable and had more buttons than I could figure out what they did.  I drove to my hotel in Portland and got there about 3:30am.  The system had kicked out my reservation at 2am and the computer was down for monthly maintenance.

To be continued...