12-21-2020 Journal Entry, aka Crying

After my shower, Arrena noticed my red eyes and asked if I was ok.  Compared to what?  I said yes, but what I really meant is that I always cry in the shower or at bedtime or when it's been a month that my husband has been dead.  In just a couple of hours, it will be exactly a month that you have been gone.  I miss you so much.  I want you back so much.  I know I was far from the best wife but I loved you so much and I don't think I showed it enough.  I don't know how to go on without you.  I don't want to be alone.  Arrena's going to get married and move to Michigan and I'll have no one.  And only see grandbabies a couple of times a year.  How is it fair for his parents to get them all the time?  Her being here is sometimes the only thing that keeps me eating or showering.  So she won't notice.  That's why I cry at night.  And so I don't upset Billy.  How has it been a month already?  It feels like just yesterday.  They tell me time will help, but I don't want to be farther removed from you.  I want you here and now.  I wish I had all the words for all that's in my heart and mind so I could pour it out on this page.  These pages you gave me that I didn't want and got so mad about (he bought me the journal so I could take up writing as a hobby and I didn't appreciate him picking a hobby for me).  Apparently, the <expletive> from Facebook are still at it.  A friend called them out on it, but it's still ongoing even though I blocked them all.  It's hurtful and hateful.  I know you would tell me to let it go.  I'm trying.  Non-Christians are being nicer to me than these women.

(see my entry from 12-15 to see the whole story of the drama I reference)