I'm a Survivor!

(You all know how I am with song lyrics...this one has been going through my head for a few weeks!)

Now that you're out of my life
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without you
But I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without you
But I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without you
I laugh harder
You thought I wouldn't grow without you
Now I'm wiser
Though that I'd be helpless without you
But I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without you
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without you
Sold 9 million

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

Thought I couldn't breathe without
I'm inhaling
You thought I couldn't see without you
Perfect vision
You thought I couldn't last without you
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without you
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without you
But I'm on top
Thought it would be over by now
But it won't stop
Thought that I would self destruct
But I'm still here
Even in my years to come
I'm still gon be here

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon lie on you and your family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon hate on you in the magazines
('m better than that)
I'm not gon compromise my Christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon diss you on the internet
Cause my mama taught me better than that

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

(Beyonce)
Oh (oh) oh (oh)...

After of all of the darkness and sadness
Soon comes happiness
If I surround my self with positive things
I'll gain prosperity

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

Dead Animals...

The following events happened a few months ago, but I am just getting around to writing about it...

At the back of our house, there is a hole in the roof's overhang. I am not familiar with all the terms for parts of the house, so forgive me if I am unclear. A bird decided to build her nest up there, much to the delight of the neighborhood cat, Jude, who likes to sit on the window ledge, waiting for the opportunity to snag the bird as she flies in and out. He is patient and hopeful, despite the fact that I have repeatedly urged him to give it up, pointing out that the drain spout somewhat blocks his reach of the opening. He's a very optimistic feline. Well, the day came that the baby birds hatched. We found egg shells littering the concrete stoop and the manic shriek-like chirps of newborns could be heard far and wide.

My kids like to play with a couple of children that live a little ways down the block and they were all happily playing outside when the commotion started. All the children, en masse, rushed in the house, one of them cradling something in his hand. They were beside themselves and all talking at once. The story, when I got them to calm down enough to be coherent, was that they had found a baby bird that had fallen out of his nest. They had told the little boy not to touch it, but he had anyways, and now they were sure that the baby would die. They begged me to help it. They were ready to care of it themselves. Kimmy even went so far as to put padding into one of their dollhouses. However, I found out that it is against federal law to keep a wild bird. Okay, now I like animals, but honestly, if the children hadn't been there to beg and plead in near hysterics, I would have likely left the animal to its natural fate. The neighbor children also ran home to their mother to ask for her assistance. I immediately went to the greatest expert known to man: Google.

Apparently it's a myth that touching a baby bird will cause its mother to abandon it. The article I read suggested trying to put the baby back in its nest, if it is easily reachable. I grabbed the step ladder and gingerly took the funny-looking, floppy little thing (gotta say, I wasn't crazy about touching it at all) and with 5 children and one mom looking on, I attempted to return the infant to its nest. This was easier said than done. The hole was large enough to stick about half of your hand in, but way more difficult to stick it in when you are trying to hold something. And there was the added complication of a nail jutting out into the hole. Great real estate, mother bird! Finally got the baby in there, but I couldn't reach far enough to get it back from the hole or get it up into the nest. I worried that it would wriggle out again.

I was right. The kids came back a little later, with the bird again. The article I had read before suggested putting it in a padded shoebox and then calling the Audobon Society if you can't put the baby back in its nest, or the Humane Society. I put it in a shoebox, then tried looking up the number for the Audobon Society. All I could find was a P.O. Box number. Well, that won't do any good--would have to write them a letter!? So, I called Animal Control. The guy there said, "Um...I don't know...sorry." Then I called the Humane Society. They said that I should call a nature center and gave me the number. The guy there said no, but that I should call a "rehabilitator" and gave me the number to one. The rehabilitator that I called said that she has never had one speck of luck in rescuing baby birds. She suggested that I just let it die. Easier said than done, when you have 5 very excitable children looking on. She finally suggested that I put the baby back in the hole, push him as far back as possible with a stick, then put grass and leaves in there to keep him from rolling out again.

When I went to get him out of the shoebox, however, there was blood around his head. I think it was coming out of his mouth. And he wasn't as full of life as he had been before. I think the second fall may have caused some internal injuries. I decided he would probably die and even if I put him back in the hole, his mother would push him out when he was dead. So I stuck him up there, poked him back with a stick, and placed leaves and grass inside to keep him from rolling out. Then I kept a sharp eye out. The neighbor kids went home and my kids came in the house. I knew mama bird must be back because I started seeing grass and leaves hanging from the hole or falling down to the ground. Apparently she didn't appreciate my decorating skills! When I checked a while later, the baby was on the ground again and this time he wasn't moving. Before the kids could see, I put him in the shoebox again, and hid it in the trash dumpster.

My kids never asked about the bird again. They assumed that since they hadn't seen him on the ground, he was fine. The little girl down the street came by the next day when my kids were gone and asked about it. I lied! I told her he must be fine because I hadn't seen him. I hate lying, but I couldn't bear to tell them that he had died! The girl's mother called me a few days later to ask me about it and I told her the truth. But, to this day, the kids think that the baby bird had a miraculous recovery and lived a long, prosperous life!

Billy had a rather different experience with animals. On his 3rd day of preschool, he dissected a fish. He came home, telling me all about it. I thought he was making up a story. I mean, whoever heard of dissecting animals in preschool? That's just silly! I asked his teacher about it and she said that they had, in fact, dissected a fish. They have pet fish in their classroom and the kids were having trouble understanding what parts a fish has and if they are like people, etc. The teacher decided to buy a whole frozen fish and take it to school to show the kids. She said she had hoped one of the other teachers might be more into it than she was, because she was a little squeemish about it. They weren't. She said she just decided to suck it up and do it because if she didn't act scared, the kids would be fine with it. She let them each practice scaling it and they looked at the insides and the gills and even cut its eye out. She has a picture up on the board of Billy holding the fish's eyeball with a caption that says, "Billy said the eye felt nasty." Billy thought it was great! A couple of weeks later, they played with little dead squids too. Gross!

Arrena also had a dead animal experience. We were walking through the park and she was riding her bike. I saw something on the ground, but before I could make out what it was, she had run over it. Thwump, like a speed bump. Kimmy started screeching and Arrena skidded to a halt and looked stricken. Apparently she had run over a baby bird. Kimmy was calling her a bird killer, but I am convinced that it was already dead. Whether it was dead or not mattered little to Arrena, who felt terrible about running the poor thing over. She looked so forlorn, hanging her head in guilt and saying, "I'm a bird killer." Billy, of course, wanted to pick it up and examine it. He probably would have taken it to school to be dissected. I'm betting Miss Kristalyn wouldn't have appreciated that one little bit.

Kimmy Again...Always Kimmy

This late-breaking newsflash: Kimmy made a post-it note sign for herself to wear. It said, "Sorry boys, daddy said no!"

The way to Robin's heart is through her NOSE?

I remember a quiz question some time ago, something to the effect of, "what is the first thing that you notice about the opposite sex?" Some women notice a man's hands or his eyes or his hair, but the thing that I notice is how they SMELL. I don't break my neck looking after a good-looking man, but if a guy walks by with a nice smelling cologne on, I might be tempted to follow in his wake!

However, it doesn't matter how great the cologne is, if you douse yourself in it, WE DO NOT LIKE THAT! Too much gives me a headache. Last week, I found someone that didn't know when enough was enough to an EXTREME!

I was driving down the road, on my way to visit my grandpa in the VA hospital and I had the windows rolled down (it's been near or over 100 degrees and I have no air conditioning). Another car passed me with a man behind the wheel. I kid you not, I could smell his cologne as he drove past! It was that strong!!! All I could do was burst out laughing. Dude, you know you put on too much if other motorists can smell you coming...

You Are Everything

I know that I tend to speak in song lyrics a lot, but they speak to me. I sometimes can't find a better way to express myself, so there they are! The other day, this one came on the radio and touched me so much, I was crying. Especially the highlighted parts...

You Are Everything by Matthew West

I'm the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can't even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I'm spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime
Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
I'm the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You're the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess
Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You're everything good in my life
Everything honest and true
And all of those stars hanging up in the sky
Could never shine brighter than You
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You are You are
Jesus, You are
You are everything

A Bunch of Comedians...

My kids are funny and I am afraid I have only myself to blame for it. I never thought I was that funny, but people often tell me that I tell stories in a very funny way and my mom is always after me to write them down. The kids think I am a regular stand-up comic. I tell them one funny joke or do one impression and they expect an hour-long routine. The most common phrase heard around here is, "Tell us something funny, mom!" Now my memory is bad and I am a little slow coming up with quick witicisms, so I can't just pull them out of a hat. They apparently think I should. Now I have a line of successors...

First in line for my comedy crown is Arrena. Today when she got out of Boys and Girls Club, she was in a very silly, giggly mood. We were discussing the hole in the armpit of her club shirt. She said that all of them were like that, adding that they were delicate. She giggled and said, "I don't even know what 'delicate' means!" We all laughed at her. A little while later, we saw an ambulance and a fire truck on the side of the road, but no obvious fire. She asked why a fire truck would be there if there was no fire. Before I could get my answer out, she came up with one of her own. She said, "Maybe if they had trouble picking someone up, because they were really fat--like dad--" (at which point, we all burst out laughing because it was said so nonchalantly, like it's a common-known fact that her dad is HUGE {he's overweight, but not THAT big}, then she continued without missing a beat) "--they would call the firemen because they are strong and muscular." Muscular. At age 8, she is admiring the build of firemen???

On to Kimmy...ALWAYS a contender... Yesterday, I asked her to go outside and tell her sister it was time for dinner. She whirled around and spat, "Slavery is OVER!" Overreacting much?

And last but not least, we have Billy. Not to be outdone, he is often funny without intending to be. We were walking through the park tonight and saw triplet toddlers being pulled along in a vehicle that can be described as a cross between a wagon and a train--one "car" for each of the little boys. Billy asked if we could get one of those. I said that we don't have any small babies anymore to use that. He said, "When I get big, I'll marry you and we'll GET some babies." Ooooo-KAY! While I love that he loves his mama, sometimes he is a little bit too oedipal.

Oh, and last night he really surprised me. He has a plush lion that has a pull string that plays music. He's had it since he was a baby--it was a crib toy. He calls it "Blueberry". I asked him if he wanted music. As far as I know, he hasn't played with it in quite a while. I pulled the string and he said the music was from Pinocchio. I stopped and listened because I had never paid attention before. Sure enough, but that little bugger was right! It was "When You Wish Upon a Star". I asked him who told him that and he said no one. I said, "Well, how did you know that?" He smiled and said, "I just know that!"

Kids...

Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy...{shakes head}

Kimmy, who is rarely shy and often speaks her mind, has gotten into the humiliating habit of talking to or yelling at people we pass in the car. The car that we are currently borrowing doesn't have a working air conditioner, so the windows stay down so we don't melt in the Kansas heat and humidity. Generally, her comments are limited to "hi!" or "what's up?" Last night the kids and I went to Botanica for a school outing with Billy's preschool. We had had a good time and I decided to take the long way home, driving alongside the river. The kids had been shrieking about a spider crawling on the back of my seat, so I was turned around facing them as we waited at a stoplight. As I was looking in Kimmy's direction, she suddenly screamed out, extremely loudly, "Hey! Nice back!" I jumped, as this was so out of the blue and completely unexpected, as she had given no prior indication that a holler would ensue. It took me a minute to figure out why she was yelling. I whirled around, scanning the near vicinity of the car and spotted a man standing on the bridge to our left, fishing. And indeed, he had no shirt on. It was hilarious and mortifying at the same time. If the man heard, he gave no indication that he had. Arrena and I burst into embarrassed laughter, incredulous at Kimmy's gall. I was near tears, I was laughing so hard. However, my face was red and that light couldn't turn green fast enough! Let me just say that it is nearly impossible to berate a child for screaming at some random person out the car window, when you are choking back hysterical snorts of laughter.

Men & Women, Husbands & Wives

If you are familiar with Facebook (I, myself, am addicted to it), you will understand what "flair" is. Flair are images that look like buttons that you might wear, such as "I am loved" or a happy face, or to support a political candidate. It's quite fun to arrange flair on your Facebook profile, as they are "snippits", if you will, of your life. Among my favorites on my profile are "Robinlicious", "Paddle faster, I hear banjos", "Cancel my subscription, I'm done with your issues," "Facebook is more fun than housework", and "I will praise you in this storm." I have many others. Some I found hilariously funny, some had my name or a "robin" character on them, and still others depicted me or my life in some fashion or another. You could probably learn a whole lot about me just by studying my flair.

I recently deleted a piece of flair from my board. It showed a picture of Cinderella's Prince Charming on it, along with the words, "Disney gave me unrealistic expectations of men." I really believed that for a long time. I believed that my expectations of men were just too high, that none could measure up to my high standards. I believed it was me, not them. I was wrong.

For the last several weeks, we have been studying Ephesians 5 in our Wednesday night Bible study at church. Anyone who is married and knows that passage will groan. But, you know, I learned some new things that I hadn't heard before and it is the reason I tossed my old beliefs about men.

For one, I always thought that women's desire to be pampered and treated like a princess was a selfish thing. I never felt like I was justified in my desire to be utterly adored by my husband. However, the Bible says that the marriage relationship is to be a picture of Christ and the church. How would Christ treat the church? Tenderly? Adoringly? Supplies its every need? Seeks only its good? A husband is expected by God to put his wife on a pedastal! Wow! When I heard that, I nearly fell off the pew. This blows everything I thought I had accepted as fact out of the water. My standards AREN'T too high--these are God's standards and if you think they are too high, take it up with Him. He expects it from every Christian husband. It's not the exception, it's the rule, guys.

The key verse in this passage goes back to verse 18 where we are told to be spirit-filled. For this godly Christian marriage to flourish and look like this picture, both the husband and the wife must allow the Holy Spirit to control their thoughts and actions. When we become self-centered is when it all falls apart.

Our pastor gave us 5 things that God will hold a husband accountable for. First, he has the responsibility for the wife and the home. He doesn't ignore his wife's counsel and, if he is wise, considers what she says very carefully. In some matters, she is smarter than her husband (maybe in ALL matters!). But, the final call should rest on him. He is the one who will be held accountable by God. I know people joke a lot about how much trouble Eve got Adam into in the garden, but who did God hold primarily responsible? The husband, Adam.

Second, the husband must make sure that his wife knows she is number one in the relationship. He must be willing to give up himself and any other thing for her. Withhold nothing. If golf gets in the way of your relationship, it has to go. When we get married, God commanded the husband to forsake all others when he took his wife. That means no friends, no family, no nothing should come before her! When the Bible commands husbands to love their wives, the Greek verb there is indicating that it is a constant command, something they are too keep doing continually. It is a selfless love and is exhibited despite another's actions. It doesn't matter what she says, does, thinks, or feels about her husband, he is still supposed to love her. Period. Does God take back His love for us when we forget Him? It hurts Him, but He never stops loving us.

Thirdly, a husband is to do everything for his wife's protection and purity. He cannot be careless with her and he cannot dump on her. Jesus does not dump the troubles of the world on his church. He protects and shields us, as a husband should do for his wife.

Fourth, a husband must make sure that his wife feels secure. He needs to hold her and love her. The word "cherish" in verse 29 speaks of warmth. The husband should exhibit warmth towards his wife. Our pastor said (not me) that wives need to be pursued and flirted with. His basis for this is that Christ pursued US! We didn't go looking for a Saviour--he came seeking us!

Lastly, the husband should take the initiative in the family to meet his wife's every need. He must meet all her needs--physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, social, etc.

All women shudder at the command in this passage for women to submit to their husbands. However, let me honestly ask you, if you had a husband that treated you this way, would you have a problem submitting to his authority? I wouldn't. I would gladly let him lead if he was a trustworthy and honorable man.

Instead of lowering the bar to meet the standards that seem to be looming large in society today, maybe more men should step up and raise the bar! Instead of us women settling for something lesser, why can't more men rise to the challenge and live up to what God has commanded them to do? If more men would, I wonder what difference it would make in the world! I don't think Disney gave us unrealistic expectations for men--I think we should hold out for that Prince Charming! Ladies, stop being desperate and force the men to be real MEN! And more men should aspire to BE Prince Charming. Stop being lazy! No woman worth her salt will be easy to win, so you better be prepared to work for her.

When I was about 14 or 15, I had a boyfriend who called me Cinderella and said he was going to come rescue me on his white horse. That is probably the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. We need more men on white horses, more men in white hats. Not only us women, but the world needs you too.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T (find out what it means to me!)

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."-- George Eliot
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."-- Abraham Lincoln (also attr. Confucius)
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding. "-- Bible, Proverbs 17:28

Regardless of where this quote originated, it is TRUE! I am trying to recover from my anger at an incredibly stupid person who crossed my path today!

Both of my girls received awards today at school. They have an assembly for each grade instead of one large one for the whole school. The awards are for character traits that they have learned about throughout the school year. They have weekly awards for the character trait that they are showcasing and then at the end of the semester, they look back over the past 9 weeks and pick one student that has exhibited the trait throughout. They award for each of the traits and then one gets a "golden eagle" award for exhibiting all of the character traits. Arrena has won a few of the weekly awards and twice received one at the assembly. Kimmy has gotten one of the weekly awards and 3 of the awards at assembly and even received the coveted golden eagle once (which pretty much means that she got one award at every semester's assembly--I believe she is teacher's pet!). Today, Arrena received the award for responsibility and Kimmy's was for self-control.

Arrena's assembly started at 2pm, which is the time I get off work. I sent her grandma and her brother to be there for her and I sped there after work in time to see her class's winners breaking from their post-award photo op huddle. Kimmy's ceremony was at 3:35, so we went home and came back.

The last two of these assemblies I have been to, they have instructed the group not to clap after each individual award. I believe they do this to conserve time and also to keep the kids from getting too unruly. They tell them to "marshmallow clap" which involves silently "clapping", but stopping short of a full clap, as though you have a giant marshmallow between your hands. After the golden eagle award for that class, they are allowed to clap regularly for all the award winners collectively. I disagree with this. I think when the kids work hard and show good character and the parents turn out to support them, they ought to be able to clap and cheer and show that they are proud of them. I follow their directions, though. Today there was a mother in attendance who had no intention of taking it lying down.

She loudly clapped (and CHEERED) for each child, making all the children turn around to stare and giggle. She loudly protested that it was stupid and the children should be clapped for. Someone (I didn't see or hear who--maybe a teacher, maybe another parent, maybe her own child that was next to her) must have asked her to stop because I heard her say loudly, "No, I won't be quiet!" She kept on and on, until she must have grown tired of carrying the protest herself, and took her children and left. On her way out the door, she loudly berated all of us parents for NOT clapping for our children. She completely ruined the awards assembly for the children who had worked so hard and for the parents who came to honor their children. I agreed with her point of view, but you don't make a scene! You don't ruin it for everyone. You don't embarrass your own children. You should be an example to the children of GOOD behavior, not BAD behavior! Apparently she missed the irony of the kids receiving awards for self-control and respect, et cetera, while she did not display any of these characteristics! I am amazed that her child even received an award with his mother as an example. Poor children...I cringe when I imagine what kind of life they must have with an obnoxious loudmouth mother like that. I think I have seen her at a field trip and I must say, if I was a teacher, I would hate to entrust her with the looking-after of a group of children--there's no telling what disrespectful, rebellious, bad behavior she would teach to those in her charge!

This happened four hours ago and my blood is STILL boiling! I was itching to turn around and say something to her, but she was obviously one of those people who could not be shamed into behaving herself and it would likely have escalated the situation and caused more of a disturbance. So, I sat there shaking, as I battled my own self-control. I was afraid if she clapped and hooted for my Kimmy, I might lose the battle. Fortunately she stalked out before that happened. If this is the kind of class displayed by the parents at this school, then I am so glad that the girls will not be going to this school again next year!

Good Questions...

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace

Why are you crying

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough

To where will you go child

Tell me where will you run

To where will you run

And I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall

In the dead of night

Whenever you call

And please don't fight

These hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Going, Going, GONE!

Ha, ha!  I have heard this song a million times, but never
really listened to it until I heard it on the radio
yesterday and I had to laugh out loud!  Those of you that
know me will know why I find it so funny!

Gone by TobyMac

I told the girl that you should treat her like a lady and
She told me all the things you did and it was shady, man
She said that what you say and what you do are different
things
While you were telling me that you were checking out them
blingy rings

She said she's had enough
Well, it sounds to me like you're straight out of luck
And she said she's all through
And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you

I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)
I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)

She said she's had enough
So, it sounds to me like you're still out of love
And she said you weren't true
And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you

I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)
I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)
What you got till it's gone

She said it's gonna be alright
Cause God made a way through the pain and He opened her
eyes
And she said you came crawling back
But after what you did to her she wouldn't have any of
that

I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)
I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)
What you got till it's gone

This is What it Means to be Held

Held by Natalie Grant

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

I have loved this song since the first time I heard it. I listened to it again today and was thinking about about how poignant is the line that says that this is how it feels when the sacred is torn from your live but you survive. It makes me think of having everything being swept off a cliff, but you remain, clinging to the edge, dangling. Something about that word "survive" in that song conveys how you feel when you have been through an emotional torrent and you have absolutely nothing left in you, except your life. Wow, do I know that feeling. And I am so glad that I am not still there. I praise God that I was held. He didn't cause the chaos in my life, but He caught me when I fell and held me. What a comfort and strength to know that the God of the universe is not too busy to hold us. That He is concerned about our problems and, like a daddy, is there to pick us up when we fall and hold us to Him. And how wonderful is it to know that we can stretch our arms out to Him, with tears streaming down our faces, and know that like a father will cradle his toddler, God will pick us up too.

Oh Deer!

My dad's whole life, he didn't believe there were any deer in Kansas. Not sure if urban sprawl is the reason that sightings seem to be more numerous than in times past, but I have had many opportunities to see deer not far from my neighborhood. The spot where I see them most is between 47th Street South and 63rd Street South and between K-15 and Hydraulic, for those of you in our area. Once I did see a couple on the other side of Hydraulic, just a few blocks from our old house. Once I saw a whole herd just off of 63rd Street.

This morning, we had a run-in with a deer, LITERALLY. Well, the deer nearly ran into US! Usually, it is the other way around--a car running into a deer, but in this case, the deer nearly ran into my car! I was driving down 47th Street, near the river, when I saw some lateral movement out of the corner of my eye. First impression was that a large dog was running across the street toward me, but when I turned my head, I was looking directly into the face of a doe! She was just a couple of feet away from me. She sort of stumbled, realizing that she was about to run headlong into me, and for a second, I thought she wasn't going to get stopped in time and my heart skipped a beat. But, she paused long enough for me to pass, then ran behind my car to the other side of the road and into the trees! Odd time to be seeing her too. Usually I have seen them sometime between dusk and early morning, but it was 9am and the sun was fully out and traffic was pretty heavy. At least she made it across safely!

Sweet Billy

My kids and I have a little tradition. When one of us has a loose eyelash, we blow it off our finger and make a wish. I am not sure where that came from. I don't remember doing that as a child myself, but I must have picked it up somewhere. The last several weeks, every time Billy has a loose eyelash, his only wish is, "me wish my mommy had a brand new car!" I thought that was so sweet for him to use all his wishes for me and not for himself. And so observant for him, at age 3, to understand that mommy NEEDS a car!

Silly Billy

Billy has been struggling with speaking for quite a while. He is very smart and observant. He understands words and he can string together sentences, he is just unintelligible a lot of the time. He can't pronounce words correctly or articulate. He gets very frustrated when people don't understand him and often quits, saying, "Nevermind." His sisters and I often translate for him, but sometimes, even we can't understand him. I took him to a screening and subsequent speech testing and he is in a severe at-risk category, so they are putting him in some speech therapy. Today, he was trying to tell me something and I wasn't understanding him. He has gotten to where he often says, "Look in my eyes," thinking that will make us understand him. This time, he told me to say it with him. I tried, but wasn't getting it. When I finally got it, he said, "You need to listen to me when I say something. Allright? Allright. Thank you." It was so funny coming out of a three-year-old. He cannot grasp the concept that it is HIM. He honestly thinks that we are just not listening to him! Poor baby!

It's a Slow Fade

Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of our family and brings tears to my eyes.

Slow Fade by Casting Crowns

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Who's Carrying You?

It's been a while, I know. Too much going on....

I did want to share a few lines from a song that touched my heart this week. They are from the Mark Harris song "One True God":

I don’t have a God I can put on a stand,
Or a God I hold in the palm of my hand,
I have a God that’s holding me.

I don’t have a thing that I got on my own,
I don’t have a care that I carry alone,
But I have a God who’s carrying me.

More Song Lyrics

Revelation by Third Day
My life,
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

My life,
Has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without...

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won't You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation...

I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You


There Will Be a Day by Jeremy Camp
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always
Troubled soul don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always
will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
this is why this is why I sing


I Wish by Point of Grace
I wish I didn’t feel so helpless
I wish I didn’t act so selfish
I wish I didn’t wring my hands night and day
My hair was a little bit smoother
My jeans fit a little bit looser
And I always knew the right things to say
And I wish I wouldn’t hide what’s been going on inside
And I wish you wouldn’t get scared and run away

I wish I was doing better
With all the things that matter,
I guess I got some learning to do
I wish everyone had someone
To hold em and to love em
The way I’m always gonna love you
I wish wishes came true 

I was there was a cure for cancer
I wish somebody had an answer
And all God’s children, never got hurt
I wish Eve never bit that apple
You men never went to battle
And I didn’t get so mad at the world
I wish I was more like Jesus
And could pick up all the pieces
And make a better life for my baby girl

I wish I was doing better
With all the things that matter,
I guess I got some learning to do
I wish everyone had someone
To hold em and to love em
The way I’m always gonna love you
I wish wishes came true

For everything I am wishing
I know someone up there is listening
So, I say my prayers when I go to bed
pray my wishes come true

I wish I was doing better
With all the things that matter,
I guess I got some learning to do
I wish everyone had someone
To hold em and to love em
The way I’m always gonna love you
I wish wishes came true

I know wishes come true
I wish, I wish

His Helping Hands

Today I went to volunteer at a place called His Helping Hands. It is a ministry of a church here in town that we attend sometimes (we actually go to two different churches--long story). Anyways, they take donations of household goods and clothing (& likely other things, I don't know) and give them to people in the community that need these things.

I have been wanting to find a way to volunteer, but with children at home, it's hard to find the time. I have often felt badly when I see people begging on the side of the road because as a Christian, you know you are supposed to help people, but in this day and age, you can't be sure that if you stopped to help someone that they wouldn't rob or kill you. And if you give that guy outside the gas station some money, will he use it to buy food or alcohol and drugs? My motive today might not be as totally selfless as it should have been. This was part of a self-prescribed therapy, sanctioned by my counselor. For one, I thought maybe if I helped someone else, it would make me feel better and take my mind off myself. If I see someone who is in even worse shape than I am, then maybe it would give me some perspective. And in some ways, I think maybe I tend to look down on people. I don't mean to and I have had at least one trusted person tell me that I have been too hard on myself. I don't know if that is true or not. Only I know what is in my heart and sometimes what I see disappoints me.

Anyways, I am a shy person. I am uncomfortable talking to strangers and often am not sure what to say. I do much better with the written word. I often get tongue-tied when speaking to someone verbally. Maybe that's why I prefer email to phone calls. I thought I would be doing something more behind the scenes, like hanging up clothing or stocking toy tables. There were about 100 volunteers, maybe more. They asked for volunteers to be greeters when the people first came in the door and I thought that was not for me because that would definitely be a talking-to-strangers kind of thing. Besides, they immediately had plenty of volunteers. The next thing was to help in the toy selection process, and again they immediately had enough volunteers. Same thing with the people helping out with the clothing selection. I hung back and thought I would just take what was leftover. Well, what was leftover was a position termed "expediter". The expediters would take the person or family after they were registered and walk them through the entire process! This was more interaction than any of the other jobs! YIKES! What was I doing?

I think God allowed this to take me out of my comfort zone. I ended up taking four women through the process over the course of the morning. They were all nice and easy for me to talk to. Two were especially sweet and I felt so good to be able to help them. They were so appreciative and as they left, I wished them a Merry Christmas and said, "God bless you," and hugged them. After they were gone, I prayed for them. The last lady I assisted had her two children with her: a four-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl. The little girl kept hugging me. I had overheard the girl saying what she had asked Santa Claus for and I was able to find something similar and we were able to hide it from her so she will have a nice surprise on Christmas morning. Each family was able to get bags of clothing, pick out used toys for their children and received a new toy for each of their children, as well as a devotional book and a $30 WalMart gift card. People had lined up early for this. The second group I took through said they had come at 6:40am, so there's no telling how early the first ones had been there!

After the holidays, I think I'd like to volunteer there once or twice a month. I had worked late last night and had to get up early for this, so I was tired, but I really enjoyed doing it and am so glad that I did.

Blessings & Encouragement

The following verses are courtesy my friend Felis (what an unexpected encouragement!):

I Peter 1:6 "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while." (NLT)

Psalm 62:5 "My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him." (NASB)

I have good days and I have bad days. I seem to be okay if allowed to just float along, but when forced to make a decision, I panic and crumble. My counselor said this is a sure sign of depression and thinks an antidepressant will help immensely. Tomorrow I see the doctor so hopefully that will be accomplished soon. I long for a time for my mind to be still so I can think clearly.

I keep reminding myself of the things that I have learned that I have written here. I think I need to go back to reading that book. I put it aside to read another one I found by Joyce Meyer, but I don't like it as well. I can't seem to find the HOW to what she writes about. All she writes is true and sounds good, but HOW do you do it? How do you put it into practice?

I feel like I should list the ways that God has personally showed me love in recent days (sort of counting my blessings):
* delivered some things I needed right to my door when I didn't have the money to buy them (I have meant to share this story on my blog, but I will do it at a later time)
* allowed me to find and get in touch with two of my dear friends that I haven't been in touch with in years
* Felis' Bible verses on her Facebook page which were exactly what I needed at the time
* the lady in the YMCA singing "I Need Thee Every Hour"
* in the midst of my weeping over a situation, God speaking the word "trust" to my heart which stopped me in my tracks
* the mail piece I was keying on which was written the words to a verse of the song "Trust & Obey"
* the other night (I will share more about this later as well) when I felt God personally encouraging me and lifting me up
* my best friend calling me out of the blue (we don't get much time to talk on the phone these days, so it had been a while) at the exact moment I had been thinking about her

...and countless other things, I am sure, that have happened that I am likely not even aware of. I know that God is there and He is personally concerned with me. That is such an awesome thought. With all that goes on in the world and the universe, with all the billions of people on this planet, yet God knows me and my life and my details and cares about them and shows His love. I am humbled.

Matthew 7:7-11 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Romans 8:31-32 "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

In the words of one of my favorite songs (MercyMe's God With Us), "Who are we that You would be mindful of us? "What do You see that's worth looking our way?"

Psalm 8:3-4 "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"