Celebrating Grandparents' Day with No Grandparents

Since today is grandparents' day and i just lost my grandmother, I wanted to take a minute and post about her.  This will probably be long, I am sorry, so you can scroll on if you like.  

It seems like the more funerals I go to, the harder they become.  Is it because the older I get, the closer I am to the people I lose?  Is it because I have less people that I love left?  My uncle might say that it's because it reminds me of my own mortality.  I think it's because as the scales are tipped, as more people I love wait for me in heaven than are left here on earth, I get homesick.  It's because it's harder to brave this wretched world without those people in your corner.  My grandmother's preacher talked about my grandma being a prayer warrior and it struck me that I lost one more person that advocated for me in prayer.  

My grandparents were my ideals.  My grandpa was the greatest man I ever knew and I want my son to grow up to be like him.  My grandma was the greatest woman I ever knew and I want to be like her when I grow up.  I am not saying they were perfect--I know better.  My grandpa was strong, but funny and ornery.  He had huge hands that built houses, but could cradle my babies with pride and softness.  My grandma was really the only babysitter I ever knew as a kid.  We played dress up and she gave us big spoons to dig in the yard and she sang songs to us, putting our names into them.  She was funny and strong and ornery too.  Once when my brother was little and throwing a fit, she threw herself down on the couch and had herself a fit.  My brother stopped and stared, probably wondering what in the world happened when adults lost it because he'd never seen such a thing before.  Grandma said later that she had to pick herself up before she lost control.  She added that she knew why kids threw fits--it felt good!  Five years ago, when she had breast cancer, she opted for a mastectomy because she didn't have time for chemo or radiation because she was taking care of my papa, who was in the late stages of Parkinson's.  She came home from surgery and got busy doing laundry, kicking it down the hall, and swearing when the kids protested, that she wasn't lifting anything.  She broke her wrist about two years ago, falling in the parking lot of the store.  She did her shopping, including lifting a heavy bag of cat litter or cat food, and drove to my mom's house.  She saw mom was busy doing laundry and said they could just go to the doctor "next week."  She ended up needing a steel plate and screws to put her wrist back together.  And even with a diagnosis of stage 4 pancreatic cancer, she still had her sense of humor.  A nurse was asking her routine questions before a surgical procedure and asked my 88-year-old grandma if she could possibly be pregnant.  Grandma had several liters of fluid built up in her abdominal cavity and she certainly looked very pregnant.  Grandma rubbed her belly and said, "Oh yes, I am due with twins any moment now!  I'm going to get my name in the papers!"  Everyone in the room burst out laughing.  

She rapidly declined and rather than the guess of 3 months the doctor tentatively gave her, it took only 3 weeks and her pain was over and ours began.  Four years and 22 days after we lost Pops, grandma joined him.  I've tried to quantify why I have taken this so hard.  The only thing I can coherently bring together is that I feel lost.  My mom is the only parentage I have left.  No grandparents, no great-grandparents, not even my dad.  We have a 5 generation picture up on the wall in our living room, taken 15 years ago when Arrena was a baby.  In 15 years, we are down to 3 generations.  If I feel that way, I have no doubt that my mom feels even more lost than I do, since she is now the matriarch of our little family.  Have you ever seen the Facebook meme about looking around for an adult and realizing you're it, so you start looking around for someone adult-ier?  My mom no longer has anyone "adult-ier."  She moved a block away from my grandma when Pops died so they could take care of each other (because grandma was a natural caregiver and needed to do that) and much of her life revolved around her mom.  And yet, she seems to be holding up better now than she did before grandma died.  It was the anticipation, she said.  However, I was stoic before and now I am grieving.  

But, we don't grieve as those who have no hope.  When I say I have hope, it's not in the "wish" sense of the word, it is in the assurance as strong as I know that I am breathing and my fingers are typing this.  My grandmother and my grandfather and my dad and others are this minute in heaven with Jesus.  Not because they "believed" there is a God.  Not because they attended church.  Not because they were good people.  Not because they followed some list of rules.  Not because they prayed some "magic prayer" that gave them hell insurance.  Not because they were baptized in a river or a chlorine-cleaned baptismal tank and came back up a wet sinner.  They are in heaven today because they had a relationship with Jesus Christ.  They accepted his forgiveness for their sins when he died on the cross in their place and they followed him until he took them home.  They left behind an example and a legacy of what following Jesus looks like.  They loved Jesus and it showed.  They were kind and loving and forgiving and gentle and selfless and humble and joyful.  I love Jesus and I strive to be like him, but I fail sometimes.  My grandparents are an example of a lifetime of learning and becoming more and more like Jesus.  

I will see them again.  No maybes or wishful thinking or delusions or mindlessly following the masses or positive thinking or "if I'm good enough" or fairy tales or whatever people like to say to excuse our Christian beliefs.  I KNOW.  I am SURE.  I am GUARANTEED.  I stake my life and the lives of my family and my children on this.  THAT is how serious and sure I really am.  My grieving for my grandmother is temporary and selfish because I miss her NOW.  Because I want to be where she is.  I am world weary.  The problems of life physically cause me pain.  And one less person to help me walk through this life breaks my heart.  

I was reading a Max Lucado book and he was writing about Lazarus.  Many people have speculated as to WHY Jesus wept when Lazarus died.  The passage in the book talked about people being in a cage of fear of death.  They had seen Jesus heal people and raise others from the dead, but apparently it wasn't enough for them to believe fully yet.  He related a story of a missionary who went to a remote tribe that was suffering from disease.  All they had to do was cross a river to get to a place that had medicine to heal them.  But, they believed there were evil spirits in the river and they would rather die of the disease than to go near the water.  The missionary told them he had crossed the river to get to them.  They wouldn't get in.  He got in and splashed around and they still wouldn't get in.  Finally, he dove into the river and swam across to the other side and stood on the bank, waving to the tribe, who cheered and then followed him across.  We have a savior who dove into the river of death and swam to the other side and came out alive to show us that we didn't have to be afraid of death--he has conquered death.  Therefore, I don't fear death for me or my loved ones who follow Jesus.  

I asked grandma to give Pops and my dad a hug for me when she got there and I told her I'd meet her there.  I will see them again.  I hope you all, as my friends, will be there too because I have some amazing grandparents that I'd like to introduce you to!  But, first, I want to see my Jesus.

Happy Birthday in Heaven

My husband wonders why I am focusing on what would have been my dad's 70th birthday today.  It's not that I don't think of him every year on his birthday or on the day he died and other times, but I mentioned it because it would have been a big birthday.  Maybe it's the numbers.  So many to mark the passage of time that seemed like it flew by so quickly.

This year is my 20th high school reunion.  And, if I had stayed married to my first husband, we would have been married 20 years this year.  I remember thinking that 20th anniversaries were a big deal and was such a long time.  But, now, it doesn't feel so long.  I feel like high school was yesterday.  Twenty years ago, my dad was 50 and my grandpa was getting ready to turn 70.  I remember my grandma writing to me and asking if I could believe that "that young man" was turning 70.  But, today, if my dad were still alive, HE would be 70.  And if my grandpa were still alive, HE would be 90 next year.  I'll be 40 next year.  My mom will be 70 in a couple of years and my grandma will be 90 in three.  40 used to seem so old, until I started staring down the barrel of it.  70 was the age of my grandparents, now it's my parents.  90 years was an amazing length of time for someone to have made it to, but my grandma is so strong and vibrant that 90 seems incongruous.

It's all perspective, I suppose.  My kids think I'm ancient and I don't feel that way (well, in some ways I do, but otherwise, I feel like it hasn't been that long since I was their age).  I thought 70 was near death when I was young, but I don't think of my mom that way now.  94 was how old my great-grandmother was when she died and she always seemed so frail, but now that my grandmother is nearing that decade, it seems completely different for her.  Maybe it's that my former perceptions are not matching with my current reality that is making me focus on it a bit more.

In any case, it's not depression that's causing me to fixate, it's the numbers: 20, 40, 70, and 90.

When it Rains, It Pours

Some of you know what is going on in our lives right now and I don't feel the need to broadcast it here. At least not now. Maybe when I feel stronger, my story might help someone else, but for now, I'd rather just survive it. Anyways, it seems like I can't catch a break. When I got up this morning, the dogs had made a mess in the garage. They had escaped their kennels and had pooped all over the garage, chewed two shoes that were left by the back door, and had torn up the blinds on the back door. I have had it with these dogs. They have not endeared themselves to me like previous pets. They have been strictly outdoor animals and have constantly been destructive. They ate half of the shed and we had to rebuild it. Knowing that we will be moving in the next couple of months and will likely end up in an apartment or a trailer park, I know the dogs will have to find a new home eventually. This upsets the kids. They don't have the same indifference towards the dogs that I do. And I hate having to take pets away from the kids. My dad did that when I was a kid and I hated him for it. I don't want to be the bad guy here. Okay, so if that wasn't enough pressure, I went to check the mail and had a letter from our property management company saying they will be doing property checks on Friday. We never paid a pet deposit, so they don't know that we have the dogs. So, I either have to give them away or find a way to hide them before Friday or I will have to come up with the $400 pet deposit. And obviously I have to make sure the house is in order in a day and a half, which it is not. I have been packing. And of course, my expensive vacuum cleaner chose this time to quit on me. So, my floors are a mess and I have to try to sweep them with a broom, which is a pain. And Billy got creative with some markers (on the wall, the banister, & the carpet), so I have to get that cleaned up before they come. As if that didn't have me stressed enough, my fridge quit. I had thought for a couple of days that my drinks weren't very cold. But, at first I thought it was my imagination. I have been so distracted with other things. Finally, it came to my conscious mind that it wasn't right, so I tried to adjust the temperature setting. But that didn't work, so today I checked the thermometer and it was 65 degrees in the fridge! And we have been eating things out of there! Arrena had been complaining about a stomachache--I probably gave her food poisoning! What a horrible mom! So far, the freezer is still frozen, but I don't know if that is just because we are in it less or what. I called the property management company and they said they would send someone out, but who knows how long that will take. And I will have to throw away most everything in the fridge. If my emotional level wasn't on the very edge before, I also found out last night that my cousin Jesse was in a head-on collision and is in the ICU. They say he will live, but I don't know much else. I would like to go see him, but I can't take Billy with me. And my mom today told me that my grandpa is getting more and more confused, asking grandma to take him to where they are staying (when they are at home already) and asking where the bathroom is. That worries and upsets me. Please pray for me and my grandpa and my cousin and a friend of mine whose husband was laid off right after they found out she was pregnant.

Fun Weekend

I really like having weekends off now! Chris' mom got married Friday night. I didn't go. Well, for one, it's her sixth marriage. For two, they've been talking about it for a while, but they didn't give us definite plans until Wednesday, so that was too late for me to get the day off. The kids didn't go either because it was at someone's house and there was also a party going on over there (drinking, stripper, need I say more?). Anyways, after the wedding, they picked up the kids and took them for most of the weekend. Jack is going out of town to work, so he wanted to spend some time with the kids before he left. He's the closest thing they have to a grandpa since both our dads have passed and Chris' foster dad lives in Texas (soon to be Canada). Jack's a little strange, but he loves the kids and they like him a lot too. Anyways, this left Chris and I free!

After work Friday night, I went to the grocery store, as is my custom. Chris had been out with friends, but was home when I got home. It was late, so we slept in Saturday morning, which is VERY rare. It was after 10am before we roused and still we snoozed and lounged in bed until after 11. It was after noon before we were showered and dressed and ready to go anywhere. We went and ate lunch at his uncle's restaurant. After that we did a little bit of shopping. We went to this craft store that I really like and bought Kimmy some Webkinz for her birthday. Then we went to the party store and bought invitations for her party. After that, we went to Sam's Club to renew our membership there and then browsed the tents and camping gear. We found a tent we liked, but we decided to shop around first. We checked WalMart and found one we really liked at a good price and also a screen house that was pretty cheap (it matched too!). We decided to try the Coleman outlet, but it was closed. We went to the flea market and found an Indian/Eagle painting for Chris' mom and Jack for a wedding gift. We had wanted to go to the drive-in, but there weren't any movies playing that we really wanted to see. So we checked all the theaters and didn't find anything worth seeing, so we ate dinner out and then went home. We snuggled on the couch and watched two videos. By that time, it was after 10pm, so we decided to hop on his bike and we took off to get ice cream. We rode around a bit and then went home to bed.

It was so fun being by ourselves for a whole day. We really enjoyed hanging out together and just goofing off, without having to be anywhere or do anything. Very relaxing. And since I tend to stick close to home most of the time, it was nice to be out most of the day.

Sunday morning, the kids came home and we went to church. They had a great time at Vacation Bible School this week and were sad for it to be over. I hated wasting gas going back and forth, so I tried to find something to occupy my time while they were there. I went to the YMCA every day except Monday. I loved the shower time there! I never get to relax in the shower. It's always quick because I can't trust the kids that long. At the Y, there was strong water pressure that I don't have at home, so it felt like a massage on my head, neck, and shoulders. I brought all my pampering stuff: facial scrub, foot scrub, etc., and took long showers. Friday, I pampered myself further and got my nails done! I haven't done that since I was pregnant with Billy!

Anyways, we finally joined the church that we have been attending for several months.

After church, we bought the tent and screen house we had seen at WalMart. Then we ate lunch at Red Robin's and the kids were thrilled by a guy that was walking around making balloon animals. We went home and Kimmy and I went to Toys 'R Us so she could show me what she wanted for her birthday. We did it the high tech way--instead of writing it down, I took pictures with my digital camera!

I test-drove a new chicken recipe for dinner and everyone seemed to like it...a lot. All in all, a great weekend and I am sad it's over.

Our 13th Anniversary & Father's Day

Tomorrow is our 13th anniversary. I cannot believe that we have been married that long. Sometimes it feels LONGER.... Ha, ha. But most times, I feel like time has flown by. I have been feeling sympathy for parents whose children think they are so old and out of touch! I feel like my childhood is not that far back! Where did 13 years go!? YIKES!



Anyways, enough lamenting the passage of time. This weekend was my first weekend on my new schedule, which means I was off work! So, Chris and I, who have gotten used to day dates, went out last night. We acted like kids and rode his motorcycle. I don't care much for bike riding. He loves it, but to be perfectly honest, it kind of scares me. But I do it because he loves it so much. And his bike is so nice. I picked it out for him and it gets a lot of stares and comments--no one believes that a woman picked it out, especially one that isn't really a bike enthusiast. We have plans to improve on it--we want to paint it a deep cobalt blue with silver real flames. Not the cartoonish looking flames--the ones that look real. And we want to chrome the frame. Anyways, I digress....

We went to TGIFridays to eat and then we went and saw the Prince Caspian movie. I love the Narnia books and I loved The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. Prince Caspian was a little different than the book, but it was for dramatics and it was still pretty good. Chris wasn't really gung-ho about seeing it, but he agreed afterwards that it was good. We thought about going somewhere afterwards because it was rare for the kids to be spending the night elsewhere and to not to have to rush home, but we were limited as to what was open at that time of night, so we decided to go ahead and go home. We (well, only me, actually) stayed up to watch a scary video at home.

Today was father's day. Chris didn't give much direction as to what he wanted for gifts, so he was hard to shop for. And everything I wanted to get him, I suddenly couldn't find. I was so frustrated. I ended up getting him a shirt for church and a couple of videos. The biggest hit was an afterthought gift. It was a pen with a laser pointer and flashlight. He and the kids had a blast playing with that, chasing the laserpoint all around the room. Arrena is taking him out to lunch tomorrow for her father's day gift.

It was somewhat of a sad day, really. I was already a little melancholy after the sermon at church (I'm not for sure why, but a few tears were rolling down my cheek by the invitation). Then after church, my mom started crying because she said my grandpa has been sick and weak and she worries about him, which made me well up too. And just the fact that both Chris and I have lost our dads made me sad. Only a few tears, yet it seems any tears lately sends me into a migraine.



We spent some time at my grandparents' along with my aunt, my uncle, and a few cousins. But Billy has been feverish and clingy today, so he may be coming down with something and we went home and put him to bed. After we got home, I reserved a campsite for my family reunion in Oklahoma over labor day weekend. I'm not much of an outdoor person and haven't been camping since I was a toddler, so we'll see how that goes! Daddy's only wish for father's day was some quality time with his motorcycle, so he promptly went on a bike ride...after a few winks. When he came home, he gave each of the kids a ride around the block. They loved it.

Last week was mostly boring. We didn't stick to our schedule at all. Lots of rain and storms kept us inside a lot. We had a tornado touch down about 2 miles due south of us on Wednesday night. The kids were scared to death. Even daddy got in the basement, which is unusual for him. My cell phone started ringing as soon as the tornado sirens went off and I said, "There's my mom, making sure we are in the basement!" I was right. Chris needed my truck to go to work a few times, so that left us stranded a few days. I did some decorating--I hadn't put up many pictures because I hadn't planned to live here long, but I guess we will, so I broke down and put some up.

About the only outing last week was to the library. The kids really love that. They are enrolled in a summer reading program. Billy has already reached his goal and the girls (who had a higher goal) are getting close.




Kimmy planted her garden last Saturday: lots of tomatoes (we are suffering withdrawal because of the FDA ban), some green peppers, jalapenos, onion, and watermelon.

The kids start vacation Bible school tomorrow and are really excited about that.

I bought the kids a small wading pool and they are thrilled with that. Well, the girls love it, Billy's a little scared of the water. They have been playing in it the last two days. Might be the last time for a while--it's supposed to rain and storm all week.

Guess that's all there is to report! TTFN! Ta-ta for now!