Express Lane Wednesday

My 12-year-old son found my hidden donuts: "Somebody's been stress eating in here." pic.twitter.com/x2zZrweIUV

— Robin Davidson (@Robin_Tweets_) June 22, 2017

People Who Hurt

(I don't like Blogger's new format.  Used to be, when I didn't finish a blog, but later came back and published it, the date would revert back to when I started the blog.  That's not happening anymore.  This blog was written around January 2013)

I don't like confrontation at all.  I would rather just slink away and lick my wounds in private.  And that's what I've always done.  I'm sure it's partly because that's my personality and partly a learned behavior.  My ex-husband was not exactly easy to talk to and even harder to argue with.  His temper made me afraid to talk about any real problems...and there were a lot of them.  So, I internalize.  Blah, blah, blah, psycho-babble.

Now I've been forced into two confrontations in one week.  It't not enough that I have stress in my life from every side.  Job stress, children stress, health stress, continuous ex-husband stress, plus I'm having a depression relapse.  No, two individuals had to bring confrontation to me.

To the family member who got feathers ruffled because I didn't immediately accept a Facebook friend request from someone who (I thought) was already on my friend list and then posted that I was a fatty that she didn't care about and then claimed her account was hacked: whether you believe it or not, I AM a nice person.  Do you think I couldn't have hurled back some insults?  Do you think I don't get angry or can't think up hateful things to say?  But part of being an adult and a Christian is controlling your tongue.  Not saying what immediately comes to mind.  Letting Christ control.  I am not perfect and I screw up plenty.  I am not tooting my own horn.  But, I want to be more and more like Christ.  So, instead of responding in kind, I pray for you.  When I FEEL like yelling back and telling you what I think of you, instead I am trying to forgive you and love you anyway and bite my tongue.

To the "friend" who abandoned me with no warning, no provocation then months later after I have made peace with it, shows back up asking me why we aren't friends anymore: isn't it sort of hypocritical to a) abandon and avoid me without telling me why, then tell me that if you did something wrong, I should speak up and tell you about it; and b) ask me to tell you what you did wrong and then when I do, you get defensive and cuss me out and run away again?  I know you have stuff going on in your life.  I wanted to be there for you.  I tried and then you cut me out of your life.  I have stuff going on in my life too, but do you care?  Were you there for me when my grandpa died?  Are you here for me when I am going through medical tests and doctors' appointments?  Are you here when my son is being kicked out of school or my daughter is breaking the rules and sneaking around or when my other daughter is struggling with depression?  Where were you when I had a confrontation with my ex-husband about the kids?  Are you around to help out and babysit when I am overwhelmed?  Where are you when I am stressed and struggling?  Since you obviously can't remember how things went down, let me refresh your memory: I invited you to several get-togethers and you refused every one.  You can say you have thought of my children every day, but you declined invitations to birthday parties.  Our mutual friend told me that when we would plan a get-together, your first question was whether I would be there because you didn't want to hang out with me.  If I was going, you refused to go.  After posting some portraits on my Facebook photography page and then copying the link to my personal page, I read a post from you about how pathetic it is for "some people" to post pictures over and over and that it won't get you more likes.  Then later that day, I find I have been blocked from your Facebook page and that you unliked my photography page.  You talked me into starting the photography business and now you won't support me.  This was all so junior high-ish and I don't have the patience or the heart to chase after someone who doesn't want to be my friend.  So, I unfriended you on Facebook.  I didn't hear from you at all after that.  Except I heard you were asking about me and saying you missed me.  You had my number. You could have called me any time.  Then I get this text message late at night, saying you missed me, asking what you did wrong, etc.  I answered you honestly and kindly.  You denied it all.  What more could I say, so I said nothing further.  I don't want to argue, I don't need friends like this, so I find it best to just say nothing at all.  There would be no convincing you, so why try?  So, what is your response?  To cuss me out and accuse me of being childish.  You want me to forget you ever texted me, delete your number, and have a nice life.  I love the added touch of "I tried."  You tried what--to insult me?  To start a fight?  Then three months later, out of the blue, I get a Facebook friend request?  Really?  The last words I heard from you were to cuss me out and tell me to forget you and then you think we can just be friends like nothing ever happened?  I pray for you and your children and I forgive you for how you treated me.  However, I will not be a doormat.  I will surround myself with friends who love me and are there for me, not ones that use me and insult me.  I am so sorry for the troubles you have in your life.  I pray that you find a friend who will be there for you and that you can have mutual respect with, but it's not me.  I would have loved to have been there for you, but I have to have boundaries or else I end up taking on more hurt and disappointment than I can emotionally and mentally handle.

Maybe this post sounds harsh and mean, but I have to get my feelings out here so they don't stay bottled up or explode onto others.  I get angry too.  I get hurt too.  But, I am striving to be like my Savior.  Lord, bless these two who have hurt me and help me not to be bitter and angry about it.

When it Rains, It Pours

Some of you know what is going on in our lives right now and I don't feel the need to broadcast it here. At least not now. Maybe when I feel stronger, my story might help someone else, but for now, I'd rather just survive it. Anyways, it seems like I can't catch a break. When I got up this morning, the dogs had made a mess in the garage. They had escaped their kennels and had pooped all over the garage, chewed two shoes that were left by the back door, and had torn up the blinds on the back door. I have had it with these dogs. They have not endeared themselves to me like previous pets. They have been strictly outdoor animals and have constantly been destructive. They ate half of the shed and we had to rebuild it. Knowing that we will be moving in the next couple of months and will likely end up in an apartment or a trailer park, I know the dogs will have to find a new home eventually. This upsets the kids. They don't have the same indifference towards the dogs that I do. And I hate having to take pets away from the kids. My dad did that when I was a kid and I hated him for it. I don't want to be the bad guy here. Okay, so if that wasn't enough pressure, I went to check the mail and had a letter from our property management company saying they will be doing property checks on Friday. We never paid a pet deposit, so they don't know that we have the dogs. So, I either have to give them away or find a way to hide them before Friday or I will have to come up with the $400 pet deposit. And obviously I have to make sure the house is in order in a day and a half, which it is not. I have been packing. And of course, my expensive vacuum cleaner chose this time to quit on me. So, my floors are a mess and I have to try to sweep them with a broom, which is a pain. And Billy got creative with some markers (on the wall, the banister, & the carpet), so I have to get that cleaned up before they come. As if that didn't have me stressed enough, my fridge quit. I had thought for a couple of days that my drinks weren't very cold. But, at first I thought it was my imagination. I have been so distracted with other things. Finally, it came to my conscious mind that it wasn't right, so I tried to adjust the temperature setting. But that didn't work, so today I checked the thermometer and it was 65 degrees in the fridge! And we have been eating things out of there! Arrena had been complaining about a stomachache--I probably gave her food poisoning! What a horrible mom! So far, the freezer is still frozen, but I don't know if that is just because we are in it less or what. I called the property management company and they said they would send someone out, but who knows how long that will take. And I will have to throw away most everything in the fridge. If my emotional level wasn't on the very edge before, I also found out last night that my cousin Jesse was in a head-on collision and is in the ICU. They say he will live, but I don't know much else. I would like to go see him, but I can't take Billy with me. And my mom today told me that my grandpa is getting more and more confused, asking grandma to take him to where they are staying (when they are at home already) and asking where the bathroom is. That worries and upsets me. Please pray for me and my grandpa and my cousin and a friend of mine whose husband was laid off right after they found out she was pregnant.