Delving Deeper into the Dark Recesses of My Mind

There are so many metaphors: wandering in a fog, feeling my way like a blind man, stuck in quicksand. But, they all apply, however trite. My depression ebbs and flows like the tide. I'll feel like I can't breathe and can't function. I overreact to everything. I cry uncontrollably. I feel physically ill and weak. I don't have the words to express how I feel or why and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to say it without the dam breaking. Sometimes it's triggered by a situation or a perceived "situation" and sometimes there is absolutely no reason--I was choking back tears at High School Musical on Ice before it ever started and couldn't figure out why. Then after a few hours, I feel human again. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. The only anchor for me is the children. I can be so confused and dazed and drowning and then one of the children needs me and I feel jolted back. They can't have a mama that's unable to care for them or losing it. They are like a lighthouse, the northern star, the horizon. As long as I keep my eyes focused on them, I can plot my way. The strange thing is that when I am swirling, my thoughts are coming in song lyrics. I thought of several yesterday and I decided to put them down here so the next time I feel tossed by the waves, I can read them and ground myself. So, please excuse me. This is less blogging and more of my personal journal.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ Name.

When darkness seems to hide His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

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This world is not my home I'm just a-passing through
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
The angels beckon me from heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore

Oh Lord you know I have no friend like you
If heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do
The angels beckon me from heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore

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She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fear's whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from, wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

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I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times