5-6-2021 Journal Entry, aka Update

It's been a while since I journaled.  Looking back at my entries, I think I am doing better.  My doctor has changed my meds a couple of times.  Maybe they are working or maybe it's me getting more involved in church.

I went to the Next Steps group and learned more about the church and took the SHAPE (spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, experience) assessment.  I was still confused about where I fit in.  Then I went to Group Connect.  I got into a group of older single ladies, but then that group merged with one that had married ladies.  It's a small group and we're going to recruit more.

I quit going to GriefShare.  It was almost done anyway, but the last few weeks I was there, they kept expressing opinions about Covid and it was hurtful.  No one would say anything to or in front of the others dealing with grief but because it's Covid, everyone thinks they're entitled to their opinion.  I spoke with the leader and she apologized profusely.  She said she'd address it.

The guy I wrote about that said he felt God wanted him to tell me that He gave me Scott to be a symbol of His love for me: I really thought long on that.  He didn't know my story, but he was right.  Scott saved me when I was in trouble.  He treated me kindly and gently.  He encouraged me to keep my mind on Christ.  He took care of me then and for the future.  A husband is supposed to be a picture of God and His love for the church and Scott was.

I'm looking at houses for my mom and my brother here in KC.  We're dealing with major foundation trouble with that house.  Mom doesn't really want to move up here but my brother and I agree it would be best.  The problem is that the market is so crazy, houses are selling quick and for over asking price.  I feel a little anxious and overwhelmed.  I'm praying if it's God's Will, it'll work out.  Mom is praying that if it's His Will for her to come here, I'll find a place and if it's not, I won't.

Arrena is busy preparing for the wedding.  My mom came up a few weeks ago and Arrena tried on wedding dresses.  Then last weekend we went to Wichita to buy fabric.

Kimberly came back home to live during the week.  On weekends she stays with her boyfriend.  She quit school because she has been dealing with major anxiety.  One night I had to take her to the ER at Research.  I hadn't been back since Scott died.  I had a flashback at security and about lost it.  She's got an appointment with a therapist and she's on some meds that seem to be helping.

Billy has had a couple of meltdowns.  One, he hit Arrena, bit her, and pulled her hair, so I had to call 911 and then take him to Children's Mercy.  It was the day before he turned 16.  His therapist he'd bonded with left for a new job and we still haven't heard from the new one yet.  And his Community Integration staff just changed too.  He also went back to school full time in person.

Arrena, Kimberly, and I have had both of our Covid vaccines and Billy will have his second next week.  After the second, I had flu-like symptoms the next day, but now I'm fine.

3-1-2021 Journal Entry, aka Why Me, God?

I don't even know how to start writing what I'm feeling.  I went to GriefShare tonight and something reminded me of my dad, so I told a little of that story.  The gasps when I said I found him dead and decomposing hit me.  There's so much in my life.  My divorce--being cheated on multiple times, being given an STD, being strangled after being stalked, custody battles, no child support.  My losses--my dad, my grandparents, my husband.  My health and mental health--Lyme's disease, my back injury, depression/being suicidal, PTSD (twice), borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and more.  Financial issues.  My son being special needs and having to fight for him his whole life and now being alone to do it.  My daughter running from God and being scared she'll never turn around.  Not knowing who I am when I'm not Scott's wife or Arrena, Kimberly, and Billy's mom.  Trying to figure out where I fit in at church because I know I need to, but more confused than ever.

In my previous marriage, I felt like Hosea, taking back the husband that left me for so many other women.  Now I feel like Job.  Why is my life so screwed up?  Why do all these bad things happen to me?  I know the answer for Job was for God to get the glory.  How does God get glory from all the broken pieces of my life and how do I give it to Him?  I want to honor God and give Him glory, but how?  And how much can one person bear?  I know, there must be people that have it worse.  I just don't know how much more broken I can be.  I feel like David in the Psalms when he asks, "How long Lord?"  Whatever I may want, I can't die yet because I have a son to raise, if I can get motivated to actually parent him.  And right now I have a hard time praying for Jesus' return because I'm unsure of the souls of 2 of my children.  When will all my suffering be over?  I still have a mom to lose.  Three children.  What will I lose next?  Do I have to live 40, 50 more years in this pain?  This is not my home and I know 40-50 years is a vapor compared to eternity, but from this end, it seems interminable.  What do I still need to learn or do that I haven't?  Please God, answer my prayer: save my children and let me go home.  That's all I want.

2-26-2021 Journal Entry, aka What to Do

The siding is done, just waiting on that vent cover and the gutters.

I've been having a lot of anxiety this week.  I have a PRN anxiety pill which I mostly don't use.  The other day I took 2 in one day.

Isidro gave me a phone number (looks local) of a widow who lost her husband 2 months after me in the hopes we'll hit it off.  I'm sort of nervous about texting a stranger out of the blue, but who knows--we could become friends.

I found a Christian widows group online, so that's helpful, rather than all the "medium" talk.  I'm still a part of the Widows of Covid-19 group and post some godly quotes or devotional stuff there, praying to be a witness, but I'm leaning more on the Christian group.

Sunday we went on a tour of the church after taking an assessment of our spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, and experiences to try to find where we fit to serve.  I'm still confused about where I fit in.  My "host" suggested I go to a discipleship class before I decide.

A friend asked me to take pictures at her grandma's 90th birthday.  I was terrified and I don't know why.  My friend Jessica talked me into it until I realized it's the same weekend as Billy's spring break, my planned trip to Wichita, and a ladies' retreat a friend is planning.  Why are they all the same weekend?  I can never say no, so I seriously tried to figure out how to do everything.  I want to get out, I just get so worn out when I do.

And I think we've decided on getting a pet dog.  I told Billy my requirements and he picked one from the shelter website.  I called and left a message about it today.

My journey through grief

I struggle with depression, anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder.  My latest bout with depression has dragged on for over a year and my husband's death overlapped that.  Several people have suggested I blog about my journey through the grief of losing my husband so maybe I can help someone else.  I warn you that this is going to be raw, straight from my journal, except where I need to edit for privacy's sake.  It's not going to be pretty and right now it's not very inspiring.  I hope that God can use me somewhere along the way.