5-6-2021 Journal Entry, aka Update

It's been a while since I journaled.  Looking back at my entries, I think I am doing better.  My doctor has changed my meds a couple of times.  Maybe they are working or maybe it's me getting more involved in church.

I went to the Next Steps group and learned more about the church and took the SHAPE (spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, experience) assessment.  I was still confused about where I fit in.  Then I went to Group Connect.  I got into a group of older single ladies, but then that group merged with one that had married ladies.  It's a small group and we're going to recruit more.

I quit going to GriefShare.  It was almost done anyway, but the last few weeks I was there, they kept expressing opinions about Covid and it was hurtful.  No one would say anything to or in front of the others dealing with grief but because it's Covid, everyone thinks they're entitled to their opinion.  I spoke with the leader and she apologized profusely.  She said she'd address it.

The guy I wrote about that said he felt God wanted him to tell me that He gave me Scott to be a symbol of His love for me: I really thought long on that.  He didn't know my story, but he was right.  Scott saved me when I was in trouble.  He treated me kindly and gently.  He encouraged me to keep my mind on Christ.  He took care of me then and for the future.  A husband is supposed to be a picture of God and His love for the church and Scott was.

I'm looking at houses for my mom and my brother here in KC.  We're dealing with major foundation trouble with that house.  Mom doesn't really want to move up here but my brother and I agree it would be best.  The problem is that the market is so crazy, houses are selling quick and for over asking price.  I feel a little anxious and overwhelmed.  I'm praying if it's God's Will, it'll work out.  Mom is praying that if it's His Will for her to come here, I'll find a place and if it's not, I won't.

Arrena is busy preparing for the wedding.  My mom came up a few weeks ago and Arrena tried on wedding dresses.  Then last weekend we went to Wichita to buy fabric.

Kimberly came back home to live during the week.  On weekends she stays with her boyfriend.  She quit school because she has been dealing with major anxiety.  One night I had to take her to the ER at Research.  I hadn't been back since Scott died.  I had a flashback at security and about lost it.  She's got an appointment with a therapist and she's on some meds that seem to be helping.

Billy has had a couple of meltdowns.  One, he hit Arrena, bit her, and pulled her hair, so I had to call 911 and then take him to Children's Mercy.  It was the day before he turned 16.  His therapist he'd bonded with left for a new job and we still haven't heard from the new one yet.  And his Community Integration staff just changed too.  He also went back to school full time in person.

Arrena, Kimberly, and I have had both of our Covid vaccines and Billy will have his second next week.  After the second, I had flu-like symptoms the next day, but now I'm fine.

3-4-2021 Journal Entry, aka Psychiatrist

Yesterday Billy was off school so I had to take him with me to therapy.  I told her how I'd been feeling since GriefShare.  She told me to sit in that feeling and share it with God.  She also drew from what I was saying several things that I "am", when I said I was concerned with my identity.

My psychiatrist was pretty concerned and talked about hospitalizing me again.  I don't have Scott to watch Billy for me and Arrena went to Nebraska last night for a few days.  I told him I wasn't a danger to myself.  He tabled that suggestion for now.  He talked about doing some intensive outpatient treatment.  I don't even know how I would do that with Billy being hybrid with school.  Then he really scared me and brought up electro-convulsive therapy.  He said it would be like hitting a reset button and I would be sedated for it.  The thing that really got me was he said that they'd do it at Research, which is where Scott died.  He had some ideas for med changes and for now doubled the dose of what I'm on.  After I got off telehealth with him, I cried for an hour.  It's the first time I've cried in weeks.  I texted Jessica and she calmed me down.

3-1-2021 Journal Entry, aka Why Me, God?

I don't even know how to start writing what I'm feeling.  I went to GriefShare tonight and something reminded me of my dad, so I told a little of that story.  The gasps when I said I found him dead and decomposing hit me.  There's so much in my life.  My divorce--being cheated on multiple times, being given an STD, being strangled after being stalked, custody battles, no child support.  My losses--my dad, my grandparents, my husband.  My health and mental health--Lyme's disease, my back injury, depression/being suicidal, PTSD (twice), borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and more.  Financial issues.  My son being special needs and having to fight for him his whole life and now being alone to do it.  My daughter running from God and being scared she'll never turn around.  Not knowing who I am when I'm not Scott's wife or Arrena, Kimberly, and Billy's mom.  Trying to figure out where I fit in at church because I know I need to, but more confused than ever.

In my previous marriage, I felt like Hosea, taking back the husband that left me for so many other women.  Now I feel like Job.  Why is my life so screwed up?  Why do all these bad things happen to me?  I know the answer for Job was for God to get the glory.  How does God get glory from all the broken pieces of my life and how do I give it to Him?  I want to honor God and give Him glory, but how?  And how much can one person bear?  I know, there must be people that have it worse.  I just don't know how much more broken I can be.  I feel like David in the Psalms when he asks, "How long Lord?"  Whatever I may want, I can't die yet because I have a son to raise, if I can get motivated to actually parent him.  And right now I have a hard time praying for Jesus' return because I'm unsure of the souls of 2 of my children.  When will all my suffering be over?  I still have a mom to lose.  Three children.  What will I lose next?  Do I have to live 40, 50 more years in this pain?  This is not my home and I know 40-50 years is a vapor compared to eternity, but from this end, it seems interminable.  What do I still need to learn or do that I haven't?  Please God, answer my prayer: save my children and let me go home.  That's all I want.

2-6-2021 Journal Entry, aka Afraid

My GriefShare workbook wants me to journal about fears for the future.  I'm afraid of mismanaging money, which is probably stupid.  I'm mostly afraid of being alone which is so silly because I like being alone.  I think it's more not having a purpose that scares me.  And whether I can finally kick this depression after over a year and a new loss that makes me feel hopeless.  I guess I don't like being completely alone.  I like having time to myself to do what I want to do.  But I do need people now and then.  I'm afraid of not regaining my interests and just having a meaningless life.  Right now I just try to make it through each day to the next sleep, so I can do it all over again.  That's not living.  And I'm afraid of needing someone when I'm walking alone.  I miss Scott doing life with me, even if I was depressed and we didn't do much.  I had my best friend, my cheerleader, my helper with me no matter what.  I'm afraid of being without that.  I'm afraid of making decisions by myself.

2-2-2021 Journal Entry, aka Groups

Arrena sent me a news story about a Facebook group for widows of Covid.  I joined it but I'm not sure yet if I like it.  It's hard to read your story over and over again.  But, it's also nice to have people who understand what it's like to have gone through this disease and come out different.  It's nice to feel understood and commiserate with others who've had people trivialize their loss by asking what the underlying condition was.  Most of these people who died were healthy until they got Covid.

I started going to GriefShare at the church's counseling center last night.  I had a hard time even getting out of the car and I definitely cried.  But, again, it's nice to have someone to talk to because sometimes I feel like a burden to my friends and family.  I feel like they avoid the topic to keep me from feeling bad.  But, I feel bad all the time.  But, do they want to hear it all the time?  Maybe I'm the one really avoiding it.  I don't know.

Billy watched Iron Man tonight.  It was the last movie Scott watched in the hospital, so it made me cry.  I need my antidepressants back so bad.  Tomorrow's my appointment, I pray he can get insurance approval.

Today they started working on my siding.  I had to do a bunch of paperwork with my financial advisor today.  And the church got my tithe check, so they called to talk to me and pray with me.