2-26-2021 Journal Entry, aka What to Do

The siding is done, just waiting on that vent cover and the gutters.

I've been having a lot of anxiety this week.  I have a PRN anxiety pill which I mostly don't use.  The other day I took 2 in one day.

Isidro gave me a phone number (looks local) of a widow who lost her husband 2 months after me in the hopes we'll hit it off.  I'm sort of nervous about texting a stranger out of the blue, but who knows--we could become friends.

I found a Christian widows group online, so that's helpful, rather than all the "medium" talk.  I'm still a part of the Widows of Covid-19 group and post some godly quotes or devotional stuff there, praying to be a witness, but I'm leaning more on the Christian group.

Sunday we went on a tour of the church after taking an assessment of our spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, and experiences to try to find where we fit to serve.  I'm still confused about where I fit in.  My "host" suggested I go to a discipleship class before I decide.

A friend asked me to take pictures at her grandma's 90th birthday.  I was terrified and I don't know why.  My friend Jessica talked me into it until I realized it's the same weekend as Billy's spring break, my planned trip to Wichita, and a ladies' retreat a friend is planning.  Why are they all the same weekend?  I can never say no, so I seriously tried to figure out how to do everything.  I want to get out, I just get so worn out when I do.

And I think we've decided on getting a pet dog.  I told Billy my requirements and he picked one from the shelter website.  I called and left a message about it today.

Decisions, Decisions

I really hate making decisions.

You thought I was going to say more, didn't you?  Fooled you.

Well, not really.

So, currently, my husband and I have been pondering some decisions about our family.  Off and on, we talk about moving.  My husband is a partial owner (with his mom and his two aunts) of his family's farm.  A couple of years back, he and I went out there for a Czech celebration in the town and looked through the museum that contained a lot of his family's history and I was able to see the two properties that make up the farm.  His grandfather sold off the piece of land that contained the farmhouse, but a neighbor continues to farm the land for them.  At the time we were out to visit, the current occupants of the farmhouse were trying to sell the house and move out of state.  We started talking then about what it would be like to move out to the old farmhouse.  At that time, it was sort of a "what if" or "wouldn't it be nice" or "someday" kind of discussion.  We tabled it and moved on.  At the time, the kids weren't totally opposed to it when they heard that they might be able to have a horse or other farm animals.

There are several reasons why this topic has come back up lately.  For one, we know that my husband cannot continue to be a metropolitan paramedic until retirement.  The job is hard on the body and we can't conceive of him jumping in and out of an ambulance and running around and lifting patients, etc. when he is 60+. So, we began to think of other options.  He could use the bridge program to become a nurse, but that will be time and cost intensive.  The other idea was to move to the country and be a rural EMS worker because there would be a lot less activity than he gets in an average day in the big city of Kansas City, Missouri.

The other reason this has come up is because of the issues we have been having with the children.  Would it be more beneficial to them to move out to the country and to attend a smaller rural school?  Would I worry about them less if the "village" helps to look after them?  I know that they can get into just as much trouble in the country or a small town as in a large city, but I think I could give them more freedom, there would be less dangers, life would be slower, secrets would not stay secret, etc.  Would peace and quiet and a slower lifestyle be beneficial to Billy?  Would the girls have more opportunities to have close friends while I can know their parents, giving them more opportunities to spend time with friends?  Would a simpler, quieter life force us to spend more time on the most important things: God, family, and friends?  There are days when I very much envy the lifestyle of the Amish.  I know that's idealistic because I seriously doubt I would enjoy cooking all day from scratch, the cleaning, the sewing, the gardening, all the hard work.  But, I sometimes regret the technology we have and long for the simpler life.

Another reason may be selfish, but as the old saying goes, "if mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"  Granted, I have never been a country girl.  I embrace a lot of country girl ideals, but the fact of the matter is that I was born in the city and have lived in the city or suburbs all my life.  I don't know any other way.  That made me wary, at first.  Could I cope with being far away from the nearest store, mall, or fast food restaurant?  I like convenience.  I like being able to run somewhere "real quick."  I hate having to drive too far to find what I am looking for.  I am a forgetful person and I have lost count of how many times I have gone grocery shopping, only to realize I have forgotten items and had to make a return trip.  And while I have previously been a go-getter with plenty of energy, I am getting older and have gained weight and have plenty of aches and pains.  I no longer have the energy I did.  I am trying to lose weight to regain the energy, but my fear is that it is gone forever.  I do not like hard labor.  I am tired.

But, because I am tired, I sometimes long for the peace and quiet of a rural setting.  I have been recently grappling with the idea that I am seriously screwed up.  I joke about being crazy, but the truth is that I have some very real mental and emotional issues.  Some days, I find the world so overwhelming, I want to retreat.  While isolation may seem depressive and the wrong way to deal with things, I am beginning to think that it is the only way I can cope with life and the world.  Some days it is too much to deal with.  Overload is not fun for me.  I am beginning to wonder if some isolation would be beneficial to my mental and emotional health.  Would I be a better wife and mother if I had some measure of peace?

However, the downsides to a possible move are many.  While I don't think that Billy or Kimberly would mind the move terribly much, Arrena has voiced violent opposition to this plan.  She does not want to leave her friends.  Having faced the same situation when I was a teenager, I can totally relate and sympathize.  I was a brat and refused to let my mom move.  However, I have learned that the friends and boyfriends that I was loathe to leave behind are nowhere to be found now.  I am reluctant to move the kids again, though.  They have had enough stress and trauma and moving around in their lives that I would hate to uproot them again and thrust them in a totally new and unfamiliar environment.  I had hoped that this would be our last move and the kids could call Raytown/Kansas City their home forever and would stay at their current schools throughout.  However, they are not the first kids to ever have to move around.  And compared to some, have hardly moved around at all.  My mom's family moved around a lot in search of work.  She attended 13 schools in her lifetime.  Military families do it all the time.  So, I am sure they would survive, though there might be a good measure of pouting for a while.

I also don't want to leave my house.  While I love looking at different houses and imagining dream homes, I am attached to this house.  We added on to this house just 3 years ago and I was able to get everything I wanted in the add-on.  Our bedroom is oversized to allow for a couch and a TV (though sometimes that makes me feel like I am isolating myself from my kids).  We have a jacuzzi tub in the bathroom along with a separate shower stall with dual shower heads.  We had a second washer/drier hookup installed, so we could both keep our washers and driers and be able to wash laundry in half the time.  I was able to pick out the color and the flooring just the way I like it.  I was able to fulfill a lifelong dream of painting a sky/cloud scene on my bedroom wall, which makes my room an extremely peaceful place for me. And even in the rest of the house, I have made some improvements to make it "our home" such as painting Billy's room Spiderman colors, and doing a pink and purple cowgirl theme in the girls' room.  While I know we could remodel and make a new house "our home," I just hate the thought of giving up this space that I and my husband designed just for us.

I also don't relish the thought of leaving my church family or my job.  While I would love to again be a stay-at-home mom or just a photographer on my own terms, I do love my job taking newborn photos at the hospital.

While one of the points in favor of moving would be that the cost of living would be lower and we could better afford our bills, moving in itself is an expensive undertaking.  It costs a lot to be in transition on selling a house, buying a new house, moving from one job to another, moving trucks, trips back and forth, fixing things to make the current house attractive to buyers or fixing things to make the new home livable, etc.

Then there's always the dilemma of WHERE to move.  Is the family farmhouse still available?  If not, would it be silly to move to the area anyway?  Where can Scott find a job?  And what's the distance in relation to where the kids' dad lives because you can't be too close or too far away?  Or what about the distance to our family, who we'd like to visit and have come visit us?  It might be fun to buy his Aunt's trailer in Branson, but would our growing family have enough space in a trailer?  It would be awesome to live right on the lake, but there would be a lot of work to be done to make it livable year-round.  And I'm assuming the cost of living in Branson would be higher due to the tourist industry.

One of my best friends is moving to a small town in northern Kansas and I am mourning that loss.  We even talked about Scott getting a job with the company that hired her husband, brother, and brother-in-law.  But, that would be a total change of job field for Scott, which is a major life change.  And with her sister and brother living nearby, it might be silly of us to follow her when her time will obviously be divided.  The draw for Scott to following them is that the company and the community sounds very faith-based.

The other decision we have been weighing briefly was sending the kids to a Christian school.  I was raised in public schools and did just fine.  Scott spent his whole life in Christian schools, so we have different backgrounds.  And we have different views.  I wrote a paper about this in college, stating in essence, that in a perfect world, the choice of education would be based on each individual child as each child is different and will learn and grow differently in different environments.  However, it isn't necessarily feasible to have one child in public school, one in Christian school, and one being home-schooled.

We started discussing this because of the issues with the children.  Both girls have been breaking the rules and having boyfriends behind our backs, sometimes lying and covering up their deception.  Both girls have been having attitude problems, Kimberly getting into trouble for mouthing off to her teacher.  Billy is obviously struggling at school.  I have been concerned about Arrena's school since I heard there was a rape there during school hours two years ago.  And there is the friend issue.  Arrena believes that Kimberly's friends are bad influences on her and tells us this all the time.  And based on some of the things Kimberly was hearing at school and Google-ing to find out what it meant, I am inclined to agree with her.  Arrena gets so angry when we bring this up, but she told me at one point that her friends were telling her that her mom would never know if she had a boyfriend, so she should just go ahead and have one.  She says not all of her friends said this and it was an isolated incident that we shouldn't judge her friends on.  But, obviously there is some concern about the influence on them.  With all of the difficulties our family has had, we have been seeking a Christian counselor to work with us, that understands our values.  So, the same could be argued about the kids' education.

I am not one that believes sending them to a Christian school will solve all their problems.  I know there are bad kids in private school too.  I also believe that their primary education should come from home because if it isn't taught and modeled at home, there is little the school can do.  The teachers cannot raise our children.  However, I sometimes think it might be nice to have that reinforcement, to have them being taught the Bible in school, to have friends and teachers that share their faith.

One of the downsides, again, is taking them away from what they have grown accustomed to.  Again, I think Kimberly and Billy would do okay with it, but Arrena would fight and struggle with starting over somewhere.  But, it wouldn't be like moving far away.  She could still see her friends, just after school not during school.  The biggest drawback is the cost.  It is so expensive that there is really no way we could afford it.  We could try to get financial aid and I have heard some about getting government funding to be able to choose private education over public education, since, as taxpayers, we pay for the public school system.  But, it would boil down to Scott having to work a LOT of extra shifts, which is hard when his shifts are 24 hours.  Or it would entail him going to school to be a nurse to make more money, which initially costs more money and takes a while to complete.  It seems like it's impossible, but we know that nothing is impossible.

While Arrena totally flew off the handle when she caught wind of some of these decisions, without hearing the reasoning or understanding that it was simply TALKING, not a done deal by far, I know that these things may never come to fruition and if they did would be a while down the road.  We will pray for God's guidance.  If He leads us to move or send the kids to a Christian school, then by all means, we will follow.  But, if the doors remain shut, then it's a non-issue.  My thought at this point would be for Scott to put out some feelers, some resumes, for us to research and look around, be informed and then see what God does!

People Who Hurt

(I don't like Blogger's new format.  Used to be, when I didn't finish a blog, but later came back and published it, the date would revert back to when I started the blog.  That's not happening anymore.  This blog was written around January 2013)

I don't like confrontation at all.  I would rather just slink away and lick my wounds in private.  And that's what I've always done.  I'm sure it's partly because that's my personality and partly a learned behavior.  My ex-husband was not exactly easy to talk to and even harder to argue with.  His temper made me afraid to talk about any real problems...and there were a lot of them.  So, I internalize.  Blah, blah, blah, psycho-babble.

Now I've been forced into two confrontations in one week.  It't not enough that I have stress in my life from every side.  Job stress, children stress, health stress, continuous ex-husband stress, plus I'm having a depression relapse.  No, two individuals had to bring confrontation to me.

To the family member who got feathers ruffled because I didn't immediately accept a Facebook friend request from someone who (I thought) was already on my friend list and then posted that I was a fatty that she didn't care about and then claimed her account was hacked: whether you believe it or not, I AM a nice person.  Do you think I couldn't have hurled back some insults?  Do you think I don't get angry or can't think up hateful things to say?  But part of being an adult and a Christian is controlling your tongue.  Not saying what immediately comes to mind.  Letting Christ control.  I am not perfect and I screw up plenty.  I am not tooting my own horn.  But, I want to be more and more like Christ.  So, instead of responding in kind, I pray for you.  When I FEEL like yelling back and telling you what I think of you, instead I am trying to forgive you and love you anyway and bite my tongue.

To the "friend" who abandoned me with no warning, no provocation then months later after I have made peace with it, shows back up asking me why we aren't friends anymore: isn't it sort of hypocritical to a) abandon and avoid me without telling me why, then tell me that if you did something wrong, I should speak up and tell you about it; and b) ask me to tell you what you did wrong and then when I do, you get defensive and cuss me out and run away again?  I know you have stuff going on in your life.  I wanted to be there for you.  I tried and then you cut me out of your life.  I have stuff going on in my life too, but do you care?  Were you there for me when my grandpa died?  Are you here for me when I am going through medical tests and doctors' appointments?  Are you here when my son is being kicked out of school or my daughter is breaking the rules and sneaking around or when my other daughter is struggling with depression?  Where were you when I had a confrontation with my ex-husband about the kids?  Are you around to help out and babysit when I am overwhelmed?  Where are you when I am stressed and struggling?  Since you obviously can't remember how things went down, let me refresh your memory: I invited you to several get-togethers and you refused every one.  You can say you have thought of my children every day, but you declined invitations to birthday parties.  Our mutual friend told me that when we would plan a get-together, your first question was whether I would be there because you didn't want to hang out with me.  If I was going, you refused to go.  After posting some portraits on my Facebook photography page and then copying the link to my personal page, I read a post from you about how pathetic it is for "some people" to post pictures over and over and that it won't get you more likes.  Then later that day, I find I have been blocked from your Facebook page and that you unliked my photography page.  You talked me into starting the photography business and now you won't support me.  This was all so junior high-ish and I don't have the patience or the heart to chase after someone who doesn't want to be my friend.  So, I unfriended you on Facebook.  I didn't hear from you at all after that.  Except I heard you were asking about me and saying you missed me.  You had my number. You could have called me any time.  Then I get this text message late at night, saying you missed me, asking what you did wrong, etc.  I answered you honestly and kindly.  You denied it all.  What more could I say, so I said nothing further.  I don't want to argue, I don't need friends like this, so I find it best to just say nothing at all.  There would be no convincing you, so why try?  So, what is your response?  To cuss me out and accuse me of being childish.  You want me to forget you ever texted me, delete your number, and have a nice life.  I love the added touch of "I tried."  You tried what--to insult me?  To start a fight?  Then three months later, out of the blue, I get a Facebook friend request?  Really?  The last words I heard from you were to cuss me out and tell me to forget you and then you think we can just be friends like nothing ever happened?  I pray for you and your children and I forgive you for how you treated me.  However, I will not be a doormat.  I will surround myself with friends who love me and are there for me, not ones that use me and insult me.  I am so sorry for the troubles you have in your life.  I pray that you find a friend who will be there for you and that you can have mutual respect with, but it's not me.  I would have loved to have been there for you, but I have to have boundaries or else I end up taking on more hurt and disappointment than I can emotionally and mentally handle.

Maybe this post sounds harsh and mean, but I have to get my feelings out here so they don't stay bottled up or explode onto others.  I get angry too.  I get hurt too.  But, I am striving to be like my Savior.  Lord, bless these two who have hurt me and help me not to be bitter and angry about it.

Kimmy Turns Six!

Last week was Kimmy's 6th birthday. She shares her birthday with Chris' dad who passed away almost a year before she was born. I really wish they had known each other. I think he would have gotten such a kick out of Kimmy. (By the way, this isn't a recent photo, but I love it so much! It really shows Kimmy in true form!)

I can't believe that my baby girl is 6 now! In so many ways she still seems like such a little thing. But lately, watching her with her friends, I see a maturity in her that I don't see in her peers. Her friends still act like little kids, but she tends to act older. And she is so intelligent. I have to say that she is probably the most well-behaved of my children. We went to the grocery store the other day. Arrena and Billy were horrible. They acted up the whole way through--both had to ride in the cart, both fought, both grabbed at things, both kept running off, both were loud and obnoxious. Kimmy, however, walked next to me and helped whenever she could and was very quiet.

Anyways, back to her birthday. On her birthday (Wednesday the 2nd), we went to the zoo and then to Burger King for dinner. I let her open two of her gifts and her cards from other family members. We set off a couple of daytime fireworks (snappers, bumblebees, and parachutes). We saw some thick clouds rolling in and heard some rumbles, so we hurried to set them off instead of waiting for daddy to get home. Because of the approaching storm, the wind was a little strong and a couple of our parachute guys made an invasion on one of our neighbors backyards! YIKES! I had to go to work, so we didn't do much more than that. She was disappointed at the zoo because she had wanted to feed the giraffes at a feeding station that is open twice a day, but her favorite animals weren't cooperating. One year on her birthday, the keeper let her come back behind the public area and feed one of the giraffes. Of course I didn't have my camera with me then!

On Friday (the Fourth of July), we had her slumber party/BBQ. I didn't volunteer to work for the holiday. Her heart was a little broken because with it being summer and everyone taking vacations and also with it being a holiday weekend (which can't be helped as this is when her birthday falls), most of her friends couldn't come. One we couldn't get a hold of at all (which I think was no big loss as the only things I hear about her, besides, "she's my best friend"--one of many Kimmy claims--make me believe the girl is a bully), one was going out of town, one had other plans and came by briefly but couldn't stay the night, one never responded, and another (a cousin) was supposed to be dropped off by her dad, but they never showed up. Chris countered most of this by inviting his brother and his girlfriend and their four children (plus their sister's son who was with them), and his other brother and his three kids (his daughter was already planning to stay the night). We also had both the grandmas over, the family that dropped by briefly, my friend from work and her daughter, and a few parents who lingered to chat for a few minutes before scurrying off to their night of freedom! Ha, ha. Spending the night, besides my ten-year-old niece that I previously mentioned, was Arrena's best friend (we allowed her to have one friend over) and one of Kimmy's friends from kindergarten (the gym teacher's daughter).

I think they had a good time. I painted little girls' nails (and my own) in patriotic flair--alternating red with white stripes and blue with star stickers or rhinestones. Then I think we ate. We had set up a screen tent in the backyard, which is where the men went, but the women stayed inside (it was HOT). The kids either jumped on the trampoline or played inside. Then I had all the kids put on their swimsuits and turned on the sprinkler. I had planned on putting out the wading pool, but with fourteen children, the wading pool would have been way too small. Well, the sprinkler hadn't been on a full minute, I don't think, when Billy stomped on it and broke it, so the water sprayed down instead of up. I tried to turn it over, but it didn't last long and they were back on the trampoline. The kids got dressed again and Kimmy opened her gifts. Then they ate cupcakes. I had gotten Kimmy a "cupcake cake" in the shape of a rainbow. It was beautiful, but the icing was thick (the whipped kind) and it made for messy faces! After that, we made bracelets and necklaces with gads of beads that I had bought. When it got dark, we went outside and set off fireworks for them. I had made the most of coupons and special sales, so I had a big bag of fireworks and only paid about $45 for them. Billy was really impressed, but I think the girls are getting too old because Arrena complained it was boring (nearly got herself banished) and Kimmy wanted to know why we didn't have certain kinds.

Kimmy had her heart set on these chocolate chip oatmeal cookies that I make, so I was making those at 11:00pm! Only one of the girls didn't like them--the rest loved them. I was sure they would all pass out soon (except maybe my niece who is used to staying up late), but when I went to check on them about 1:00am, only my two girls were asleep! The rest were wide awake and talking about cute boy actors! My poor little girls just hang with the party! You can see the little sleepy bodies in the picture! I went to bed not long after that, but was awakened at 2:30am by a knock on the door. It was the gym teacher's daughter with Billy. I still am not quite sure what was going on. I think he woke up and went downstairs to see what was going on and she brought him to me. That's his story anyways, from his limited vocabulary and garbled speech. I put him in bed with us and sent her back downstairs.

I woke up around 8:00am, thinking they would all surely still be asleep, after the late night they had just put in. I was wrong! They were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I fed them, two of the girls were picked up, I drove my niece home, dropped off the kids at their grandma's, went home to clean up the mess (!), took a nap, and went to dinner with Chris. I think I wore myself out with the plans, the preparation, and the party, because I have felt like a lazy lump ever since!

So, now my little bitty Kimmy is six! She will start first grade in a few more weeks (I can't believe it, but Kimmy's birthday was the halfway point in the summer break!). And now she has her first loose tooth! I don't know what to think about that. One of the things I love the most about Kimmy is her smile with her cute little teeth. I can barely stand the thought of her losing them! She pulled out one of her sister's just the other day. She makes fun of Arrena's "transition"--says her teeth look funny: some adult, some baby, some gone! I think it has been easier to watch Arrena grow since she acts so grownup (in attitude, if not in behavior!) than to watch my Kimmy-pop. She loves that nickname. I used to sing to her, "Kimmy, Kimmy, cocoa-pop...." So now, it gets shortened to Kimmy-pop, Cocoa-pop, Cocoa, or daddy sometimes calls her "Kimmy-cocoa."

Happy Birthday Kimmy!