3-1-2021 Journal Entry, aka Why Me, God?

I don't even know how to start writing what I'm feeling.  I went to GriefShare tonight and something reminded me of my dad, so I told a little of that story.  The gasps when I said I found him dead and decomposing hit me.  There's so much in my life.  My divorce--being cheated on multiple times, being given an STD, being strangled after being stalked, custody battles, no child support.  My losses--my dad, my grandparents, my husband.  My health and mental health--Lyme's disease, my back injury, depression/being suicidal, PTSD (twice), borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and more.  Financial issues.  My son being special needs and having to fight for him his whole life and now being alone to do it.  My daughter running from God and being scared she'll never turn around.  Not knowing who I am when I'm not Scott's wife or Arrena, Kimberly, and Billy's mom.  Trying to figure out where I fit in at church because I know I need to, but more confused than ever.

In my previous marriage, I felt like Hosea, taking back the husband that left me for so many other women.  Now I feel like Job.  Why is my life so screwed up?  Why do all these bad things happen to me?  I know the answer for Job was for God to get the glory.  How does God get glory from all the broken pieces of my life and how do I give it to Him?  I want to honor God and give Him glory, but how?  And how much can one person bear?  I know, there must be people that have it worse.  I just don't know how much more broken I can be.  I feel like David in the Psalms when he asks, "How long Lord?"  Whatever I may want, I can't die yet because I have a son to raise, if I can get motivated to actually parent him.  And right now I have a hard time praying for Jesus' return because I'm unsure of the souls of 2 of my children.  When will all my suffering be over?  I still have a mom to lose.  Three children.  What will I lose next?  Do I have to live 40, 50 more years in this pain?  This is not my home and I know 40-50 years is a vapor compared to eternity, but from this end, it seems interminable.  What do I still need to learn or do that I haven't?  Please God, answer my prayer: save my children and let me go home.  That's all I want.

My Verses

Revelation 21:3,4

I Corinthians 15:51-57

I Thessalonians 4:13-18

My verse: Psalm 62:5

Blessings & Encouragement

The following verses are courtesy my friend Felis (what an unexpected encouragement!):

I Peter 1:6 "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while." (NLT)

Psalm 62:5 "My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him." (NASB)

I have good days and I have bad days. I seem to be okay if allowed to just float along, but when forced to make a decision, I panic and crumble. My counselor said this is a sure sign of depression and thinks an antidepressant will help immensely. Tomorrow I see the doctor so hopefully that will be accomplished soon. I long for a time for my mind to be still so I can think clearly.

I keep reminding myself of the things that I have learned that I have written here. I think I need to go back to reading that book. I put it aside to read another one I found by Joyce Meyer, but I don't like it as well. I can't seem to find the HOW to what she writes about. All she writes is true and sounds good, but HOW do you do it? How do you put it into practice?

I feel like I should list the ways that God has personally showed me love in recent days (sort of counting my blessings):
* delivered some things I needed right to my door when I didn't have the money to buy them (I have meant to share this story on my blog, but I will do it at a later time)
* allowed me to find and get in touch with two of my dear friends that I haven't been in touch with in years
* Felis' Bible verses on her Facebook page which were exactly what I needed at the time
* the lady in the YMCA singing "I Need Thee Every Hour"
* in the midst of my weeping over a situation, God speaking the word "trust" to my heart which stopped me in my tracks
* the mail piece I was keying on which was written the words to a verse of the song "Trust & Obey"
* the other night (I will share more about this later as well) when I felt God personally encouraging me and lifting me up
* my best friend calling me out of the blue (we don't get much time to talk on the phone these days, so it had been a while) at the exact moment I had been thinking about her

...and countless other things, I am sure, that have happened that I am likely not even aware of. I know that God is there and He is personally concerned with me. That is such an awesome thought. With all that goes on in the world and the universe, with all the billions of people on this planet, yet God knows me and my life and my details and cares about them and shows His love. I am humbled.

Matthew 7:7-11 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Romans 8:31-32 "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

In the words of one of my favorite songs (MercyMe's God With Us), "Who are we that You would be mindful of us? "What do You see that's worth looking our way?"

Psalm 8:3-4 "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"

More musings...yada, yada...(vol. 2)

Last night, I read about indecisiveness! Wow, that's me to a "T". I have always been indecisive and once I actually do make a decision, I rethink it to death! I over-analyze everything. So, last night I learned that I will not have peace if I don't overcome this problem. I need to make decisions and stick with them unless I am proved wrong. I have to start with smaller commitments and work my way up to bigger ones. I can't be afraid of what others will think. If I have trouble with a decision, the book said to let my mind rest, don't think about it. Then, examine my heart and see what do I know inside that I should do? If I have peace about that, that's what I should do. Joyce Meyer said that if you are confused, you are not in God's Will. At first, I took a bit of offense to that, but her supporting evidence was I Corinthians 14:33 "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace...."

Some other verses that either she quoted in the book or that came to my mind that I want to remember later:

Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Hebrews 4:15, 16 "For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Hebrews 13:5, 6 "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' So we may boldly say: 'The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?'"

James 1:5-8, 17, 19 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways....Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning....So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath."

Psalm 91 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you make the Most High your dwelling—even the LORD, who is my refuge--then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."