5-6-2021 Journal Entry, aka Update

It's been a while since I journaled.  Looking back at my entries, I think I am doing better.  My doctor has changed my meds a couple of times.  Maybe they are working or maybe it's me getting more involved in church.

I went to the Next Steps group and learned more about the church and took the SHAPE (spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, experience) assessment.  I was still confused about where I fit in.  Then I went to Group Connect.  I got into a group of older single ladies, but then that group merged with one that had married ladies.  It's a small group and we're going to recruit more.

I quit going to GriefShare.  It was almost done anyway, but the last few weeks I was there, they kept expressing opinions about Covid and it was hurtful.  No one would say anything to or in front of the others dealing with grief but because it's Covid, everyone thinks they're entitled to their opinion.  I spoke with the leader and she apologized profusely.  She said she'd address it.

The guy I wrote about that said he felt God wanted him to tell me that He gave me Scott to be a symbol of His love for me: I really thought long on that.  He didn't know my story, but he was right.  Scott saved me when I was in trouble.  He treated me kindly and gently.  He encouraged me to keep my mind on Christ.  He took care of me then and for the future.  A husband is supposed to be a picture of God and His love for the church and Scott was.

I'm looking at houses for my mom and my brother here in KC.  We're dealing with major foundation trouble with that house.  Mom doesn't really want to move up here but my brother and I agree it would be best.  The problem is that the market is so crazy, houses are selling quick and for over asking price.  I feel a little anxious and overwhelmed.  I'm praying if it's God's Will, it'll work out.  Mom is praying that if it's His Will for her to come here, I'll find a place and if it's not, I won't.

Arrena is busy preparing for the wedding.  My mom came up a few weeks ago and Arrena tried on wedding dresses.  Then last weekend we went to Wichita to buy fabric.

Kimberly came back home to live during the week.  On weekends she stays with her boyfriend.  She quit school because she has been dealing with major anxiety.  One night I had to take her to the ER at Research.  I hadn't been back since Scott died.  I had a flashback at security and about lost it.  She's got an appointment with a therapist and she's on some meds that seem to be helping.

Billy has had a couple of meltdowns.  One, he hit Arrena, bit her, and pulled her hair, so I had to call 911 and then take him to Children's Mercy.  It was the day before he turned 16.  His therapist he'd bonded with left for a new job and we still haven't heard from the new one yet.  And his Community Integration staff just changed too.  He also went back to school full time in person.

Arrena, Kimberly, and I have had both of our Covid vaccines and Billy will have his second next week.  After the second, I had flu-like symptoms the next day, but now I'm fine.

1-17-2021 Journal Entry, aka Meet the Pastors

I was going along okay, watching the Chiefs' playoff game and then when it was over, I started to cry.  I miss Scott being there to yell at the TV with me.

We went to church this morning and tonight we went to "Dinner with the Pastors".  It was nice in a mega church to be able to meet our actual pastor.  It's hard to not talk about Scott though because that's the biggest, glaring thing in my life.  Then I feel bad because, number one, sympathy immediately follows, and number two, I feel like I've hijacked the conversation away from the couple Billy and I were sitting with.

1-4-2021 Journal Entry, aka How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

Saturday night, we were invited over to a friend's house for dinner.  I think it is the best thing that someone has done for me.  Not to say that the home-delivered meals or money contributions weren't wonderful gestures of kindness, but someone getting me out of the house was the best.  Someone taking time to notice and think of us.

I also went back to church yesterday morning (we've been watching online for months).  It felt good to go back.  People that choose not to wear masks make me incredibly sad.  The music got me choked up.  It was a lot of being out and about for 2 days, so I came home and took a long nap and the Chiefs lost.

The Veil

On this Resurrection Sunday, I have been contemplating the veil of the temple. Matthew 27:50, 51 says, "And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom...."

What was the significance of the veil being rent in two pieces? And why from top to bottom? What is the veil in the first place?

The veil in the temple separated the Holy of Holies from the rest of the temple. The Holy of Holies was the dwelling-place of God's presence on earth. Only the high priest was allowed to enter and even then, only once a year to atone for Israel's sins. The veil was symbolic of man being separated from God by his sin. According to the historian Josephus, the veil was around 60 feet high and four inches thick. Josephus goes on to say that two horses pulling in opposite directions could not tear the material that constructed the temple veil.

It's significant that the veil was torn from top to bottom, so that no one could claim that human hands had perpetrated a fraudulent miracle. We know that horses couldn't tear the four-inch-thick fabric--therefore, how could this material be rent in a natural explanation? And in case someone might conceive that it could be accomplished, surely no human could tear a 60 foot veil from the top. As this is recorded specifically in Scripture and elsewhere by historians, we must conclude that this event had witnesses.

So, if the veil was torn by God and not man, why did He do it? There are a couple of theories about this. It could have symbolized God coming down to man. Charles Spurgeon said, "In the East men express their sorrow by rending their garments; and the temple, when it beheld its Master die, seemed struck with horror, and rent its veil. Shocked at the sin of man, indignant at the murder of its Lord, in its sympathy with Him who is the true temple of God, the outward symbol tore its holy vestment from the top to the bottom."

However, the most important significance of the veil being ripped was to signal the end of the old covenant. The old system was done away with. The sacrificial system had ended as Christ once and for all paid the price for sin. There was now no need to continue with ritual or to pay the interest on our sin debt--it was now fully paid! There was now no separation between God and man. Jesus' death made it possible for us to boldly come before God. Jesus is our high priest, who made atonement for our sin, not yearly as the human high priest had done, but once for all. Hebrews has a lot to say about this. In chapter ten, we read, "And every priest stands ministering daily and offering repeatedly the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. But this Man, after He had offered one sacrifice for sins forever, sat down at the right hand of God, from that time waiting till His enemies are made His footstool. For by one offering He has perfected forever those who are being sanctified.... Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is, His flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water." Also, in chapter four, it is written, "Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess....Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

How awesome that we now have access to the throne room of God, through Christ's shed blood!

I had heard about a billboard that was up on the highway near where I live, advertising a church. It was controversial because of some of the things written on the billboard. I finally saw the sign this week and was struck by one of the beliefs of this "church." When I looked up their website, I found: "We do not, however, believe that Jesus is the only way to know God’s presence and experience God’s salvation. That same God or spirit of life and love is present in many religions around the world." For calling themselves a "Church of CHRIST," their belief about Jesus was pretty fishy: "We are not a “liberal” church that says whatever way works for you is fine, we simply recognize that Christianity is our way into the life of God but do not confuse that as being the only way into God who will not be defined by human barriers." Their list of beliefs seemed more like a political or social club, as opposed to a church. Very little of their beliefs had anything whatsoever to do with the Bible.

In one of my previous posts, I mentioned that I find it a travesty when humans dictate to God what is right or wrong, what is sin or acceptable, or even how you can get into heaven. How dare we? Who on earth do we think we are? Living in bodies God created, living on a planet that God made, breathing the very air that God brought into being. And yet, we think we can tell God how to run the universe He created? Can we honestly tell HIM under what circumstances that we will be coming to HIS heaven? Do we seriously tell the Creator of everything what we think the rules should be? How arrogant! Can you imagine your child telling you what the rules will be in your house, telling you what they will do, how they will do it, demanding money, etc. from you? Or if a peon in a huge corporation went to the CEO and told him how much salary he demanded to make, the benefits he required, and as long as he was at it, he would rather the company manufacture something different because he wasn't really "feeling" the product? Can you imagine clay on a potter's wheel standing up and telling the potter how he should mold the clay? Of course not! It's ludicrous! God does not run a democracy, folks. It's a theocracy and you better figure out what Theos' requirements are and get in line! Yes, God is loving, but he is God and we are not.

On Death and Faith

Yesterday at church, I heard the testimony of a man who had grown up in church, just like me. He spoke about how when his devout father died, it shook his faith and caused him to be angry with God and run away from His calling. I had the opposite happen to me when my father died.

As you know, my father died suddenly about four and a half years ago, at the age of 61. To say that his death was unexpected is both true and untrue. He had been not well for a long time, though you never really expect for that to happen. I had tried to prepare myself, somewhat, for his death, but when it happened, it was quite shocking. I won't go into the details because I did that in an earlier post, but I will say that the circumstances of his death were very devastating to me.

My dad was not "devout". He was a Christian and loved the Lord, but he didn't attend church very often. Later in life, this was due to difficulty in getting around, his feet hurt and swelled because of the diabetes. He still sent in his tithe to the church, though, and he read his Bible daily, prayed often, and listened to gospel music frequently. My dad was not a perfect man. When I lived at home, I absolutely hated him. He suffered from depression and was often not a very nice man. We got along much better when we were both older.

The night I found dad dead, I remember lifting my face to the sky and whispering, "I'm sorry, daddy." I knew then that he was in heaven. But, as time went on, I had to really examine this belief. Did I really believe that my dad still existed in some form, somewhere? My brother believed that what was left of him was lowered in the ground at his funeral and that's all there was. My heart broke that my brother had no hope. But, did I? I really searched my heart and soul to determine what I believed. It's easy to say that you believe in God, heaven, Jesus, but do you really when it's put to the test? When someone dies, can you trust them to God until you see them again? I finally decided that I could. I remember standing in church and longing for heaven and home because it now felt like home to me, with someone I loved there.

I still had struggles, of course. I had a sick feeling, thinking of my dad dying alone, choking for breath, struggling. But, my then-husband's foster dad, a missionary who happened to be in town at the time and performed the funeral for me, gave me a wonderful gift. He talked to me about other deaths he had been witnessed. He assured me that in cases of believers, they had all died peacefully and some had even spoke about seeing someone there in the room. He said he believed that either an angel had been in the room or Jesus himself. He told me that he believed that my dad had not been alone. That gave me peace.

I also had struggled with the question of why did my dad die at that particular time? I was doped on medication and forgot to call him. Why did God choose to take him at THAT time? That is a question that I still have and will not have answered until I am in heaven myself. But, that's okay. I have been able to let that question lie dormant. I trust that God had a reason and it does not affect my faith. I am not angry, I trust Him.

The guilt I struggled with for a long time. Sometimes I still feel it, but it's something that I can deal with. The sermon at church yesterday was about guilt. Guilt is something that the devil causes. When we have done wrong, God brings conviction so that we may confess and turn from our wrongdoing. But when guilt comes over something that has been forgiven already or was not our wrongdoing in the first place, it is Satan, trying to bring us down.

None of my struggles over my dad's death ever caused me to doubt my faith. I learned recently that one of my spiritual gifts is faith. I have seen God do too much in my life NOT to believe Him and trust Him. My faith is very strong. And I think it was only strengthened through the fiery furnace I went through when my dad died.

Enquiring Minds Want to Know...Apparently?

Ha, ha. My frivolous musings about my hair apparently were of some interest. At the risk of embarrassing her, one of my friends called me Tuesday and Wednesday before finally reaching me today just to know how my hair had turned out! I had been waiting to mention it until I could take some photos and I didn't want to do that, first, before the 48-hour sanction on washing it had been lifted and, second, until my psychotic hair recovered from its shellshock. I don't think it's quite there yet, but I decided to take a couple anyways to share with you.

Well, let me say that it wasn't a horrible experience--I am not running around with a paper sack over my head or racing to another beautician to have the damage repaired. However, it wasn't a success, per se. I really wanted to like my hair because the girl that did my hair was so, so sweet. She talked about her family, I talked about mine. When my hair was processing, she sat down across from me to chat. I knew this wasn't to be a lasting relationship though, because she said that she wanted to go somewhere like Kansas City when she graduates. There was another girl that was supposed to be further along in her education than my stylist, who was trying to help, but she was annoying and flaky. My stylist was much more professional. However, I don't think that she used enough solution on me. When I came in, I told her what I was looking for, a loose curl that I could straighten when I wanted to. She decided on orange rods, but her instructor vetoed that. She said to use the smaller purple rods because my hair is so long, it will be heavy and weigh it down. That all sounds good, but my hair is very fine, so there isn't enough weight on it at all. I think we would have been better with the other rods (another friend, upon seeing my hair, immediately proclaimed that the rods were too small). Then her instructor told her she would probably have to use two bottles of solution on me and to make sure that she thoroughly saturated each strand. I have always needed two bottles and my hair is even longer now than it ever was back when I was getting perms. Except I only saw her use one bottle. And my hair didn't feel near as drippy as it usually does when I get a perm. I am usually itchy and tickly because of the solution running all over my scalp. She had me hold a towel over my face, so I didn't see all of what she did, but I remember noticing a lack of cold wet sensation in the lock of hair over my left eye. Granted my hair has definitely changed in the last ten+ years since I last had a perm, but my hair always took to perms REALLY well. You can tell from the pictures, even if I was acting a little silly (forgive me) that I have flat spots. It looks like I have had a perm that is now old and relaxed and I am in need of another one. Not happy with it, but I can live with it. I figure in about three months, I'll try another one. A friend of mine recommended her stylist, so we'll see if we can't do any better. Live and learn, huh?


The girls are okay at school. Kimmy comes home nearly every day with some woe: someone accidentally knocked a chair over on her or she had a sore throat all day, etc. Arrena's only complaint is the playground equipment. I think they split the age groups that are on the playground at the same time. Kimmy goes to lunch at a different time and she plays on the good equipment while she is there. Arrena isn't allowed to. Chris plans to take her to play at the playground Saturday just to make her happy.

I emailed Kimmy's teacher, as you know, about her being left in the bathroom during the fire drill. She apologized and said she would reassure Kimmy. She assured me that there is a crisis team and the custodians who check bathrooms and every other room to make sure all students get out of the building in case of an emergency. I thought she tried to place part of the blame with Kimmy when she remarked that she tries to get the kids to use the bathroom at certain times of the day and that that wasn't one of those times. I told her that Kimmy just came from a school where there were bathrooms in the classrooms and the children were urged to go any time they needed to without having to ask for permission and that Kimmy often has tummyaches and goes to the bathroom pretty frequently. She said Kimmy HAD been complaining about her stomach hurting and was glad to get that information. She said that she would allow Kimmy to go whenever she wanted to.

Tonight there was a first grade parents' meeting. Kind of silly--to tell us about the homework folders. I've never needed extensive explanation about those so far! Up to now, explanations were either in the form of a note or given when we met the teacher at a conference before school started. Anyways, there were so many rude, unruly children there--most of those parents have no control! I would have lost it if my child were to act like that, in the library, no less! When we first walked in, Kimmy's teacher made a bee-line to me and said that she had noticed Kimmy wearing an Awanas shirt and that she had talked about going to church. She said she was a Christian and wanted to ask where we went to church. I told her and she said she had grown up in a similar denomination and that she did some sort of ministry with missions (my memory is SO bad). I told her that Kimmy's grandparents were leaving in a few weeks to be missionaries to the First Nations people in Canada, so we are very sensitive to missions. She was pleased. I was impressed that she was so open about it, saying all of this in full hearing of other parents. Some teachers tend to shy away from public proclamations of that sort for fear of being caught up in some separation of church and state scandal. I remember the conversation I had with the girls' old gym teacher about that subject. Kimmy's teacher last year was a Christian and regularly prayed for the students, so Kimmy gets to continue with that trend this year. Hopefully they will both grow to like their school.

Internal Battles

I was really struggling with myself this evening. I was really mad at Chris and my feelings were at odds with my head. I wanted to lash out and retaliate, but I knew what I SHOULD be doing. I went to church this evening, a little bitter and angry. In the car, I could hear this still, small voice in my head telling me what I should do, but I was squelching it in order to think on what actions (direct or passive-aggressive) would make me FEEL better. If you remember the Bible story where God reveals himself to Elijah, it says that there was a wind so strong that it tore the mountain, but God was not in the wind. Then there was an earthquake, but God was not in the earthquake. Then there was a fire, but God was not in the fire. After that, came a still, small voice and that was God. Sometimes I think that if you don't listen to the still, small voice, God stops speaking to you. But other times, I think God tries a little louder to get your attention. Such was the case tonight. Our pastor's father-in-law was speaking tonight. He just celebrated his 65th anniversary and has been in the ministry for 58 years. He spoke tonight on I Corinthians 13--the love chapter. I groaned inwardly. THIS is what the voice in my head had been trying to tell me, but I had shushed it quickly. Now, I was at His mercy for about half an hour. You know already what happened. The passage is: "4) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5) It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7) It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8) Love never fails." The italics are mine, indicative of how much of the passage was convicting! So, instead of leaving my phone off and staying out as long as possible, taking the kids to McDonald's and bringing him nothing (as was the beginning of my evil scheme), my first step of charity was to turn on my phone. Which promptly warned me of a message, of course from my infuriating spouse, who was locked out of the house and accused me of doing it on purpose out of spite. I bit my tongue near off and tried to call him back. There was no answer. I could have gone on to McDonald's with the kids, but I took a deep breath, gritted my teeth, and went by the house first to see if he had gotten in yet and if he had eaten yet. He was, in fact, there and was hungry. And instead of ignoring him or letting him have it, I calmly stated why I was angry. Not sure if it did any good, but I did what I think God wanted me to do. I know it seems like a simple thing, turning on my cell phone, and picking up some McDonald's for him, but it was an about-face for me. Someone once accused me of not having a backbone because I didn't stand up for myself and basically didn't fire away with both barrels when someone (specifically, Chris) mistreated me. Honestly, I think it's harder NOT to react. I didn't want to be nice. At all. I'm right. He's wrong. Why should I have to be the bigger person here? Because anyone can react. But God demands for us to love our brethren and the world and "by this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." That self-control and collaring feelings and proceeding even though wounded is one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. And it hasn't gotten any easier over the years. Jesus never said it would be easy to turn the other cheek. And I have to keep recalling the lesson I learned years ago about forgiveness--how can I expect to be forgiven, if I don't forgive?

Anyways, that's enough deep thinking for today. My brain hurts.

I am biting the bullet and getting my hair permed in the morning. ACK! I called the lady that used to cut my dad's hair and the bottom fell out when she said she was quitting to be a nurse in two weeks and she is booked solid. So, my finding a bond with my stylist scheme fell apart. I decided to call the Xenon beauty school and make an appointment instead. I figure whoever does my hair will a student, too new to be unfriendly towards people who aren't regulars. And if I like her, I'll ask her to let me know where she ends up working and I will go to her every time. Best I can come up with at this time! We'll see how it goes. I am so nervous!

Fun Weekend

I really like having weekends off now! Chris' mom got married Friday night. I didn't go. Well, for one, it's her sixth marriage. For two, they've been talking about it for a while, but they didn't give us definite plans until Wednesday, so that was too late for me to get the day off. The kids didn't go either because it was at someone's house and there was also a party going on over there (drinking, stripper, need I say more?). Anyways, after the wedding, they picked up the kids and took them for most of the weekend. Jack is going out of town to work, so he wanted to spend some time with the kids before he left. He's the closest thing they have to a grandpa since both our dads have passed and Chris' foster dad lives in Texas (soon to be Canada). Jack's a little strange, but he loves the kids and they like him a lot too. Anyways, this left Chris and I free!

After work Friday night, I went to the grocery store, as is my custom. Chris had been out with friends, but was home when I got home. It was late, so we slept in Saturday morning, which is VERY rare. It was after 10am before we roused and still we snoozed and lounged in bed until after 11. It was after noon before we were showered and dressed and ready to go anywhere. We went and ate lunch at his uncle's restaurant. After that we did a little bit of shopping. We went to this craft store that I really like and bought Kimmy some Webkinz for her birthday. Then we went to the party store and bought invitations for her party. After that, we went to Sam's Club to renew our membership there and then browsed the tents and camping gear. We found a tent we liked, but we decided to shop around first. We checked WalMart and found one we really liked at a good price and also a screen house that was pretty cheap (it matched too!). We decided to try the Coleman outlet, but it was closed. We went to the flea market and found an Indian/Eagle painting for Chris' mom and Jack for a wedding gift. We had wanted to go to the drive-in, but there weren't any movies playing that we really wanted to see. So we checked all the theaters and didn't find anything worth seeing, so we ate dinner out and then went home. We snuggled on the couch and watched two videos. By that time, it was after 10pm, so we decided to hop on his bike and we took off to get ice cream. We rode around a bit and then went home to bed.

It was so fun being by ourselves for a whole day. We really enjoyed hanging out together and just goofing off, without having to be anywhere or do anything. Very relaxing. And since I tend to stick close to home most of the time, it was nice to be out most of the day.

Sunday morning, the kids came home and we went to church. They had a great time at Vacation Bible School this week and were sad for it to be over. I hated wasting gas going back and forth, so I tried to find something to occupy my time while they were there. I went to the YMCA every day except Monday. I loved the shower time there! I never get to relax in the shower. It's always quick because I can't trust the kids that long. At the Y, there was strong water pressure that I don't have at home, so it felt like a massage on my head, neck, and shoulders. I brought all my pampering stuff: facial scrub, foot scrub, etc., and took long showers. Friday, I pampered myself further and got my nails done! I haven't done that since I was pregnant with Billy!

Anyways, we finally joined the church that we have been attending for several months.

After church, we bought the tent and screen house we had seen at WalMart. Then we ate lunch at Red Robin's and the kids were thrilled by a guy that was walking around making balloon animals. We went home and Kimmy and I went to Toys 'R Us so she could show me what she wanted for her birthday. We did it the high tech way--instead of writing it down, I took pictures with my digital camera!

I test-drove a new chicken recipe for dinner and everyone seemed to like it...a lot. All in all, a great weekend and I am sad it's over.

My Kimmy

I have a 5-year-old named Kimmy. She is what I would call eccentric. She will wear cowgirl boots with shorts or sweatpants. She walks around wearing black plastic sunglasses with the lenses popped out. She is an individual and I admire her greatly.

She is also very funny. She says (& does) the funniest things. She is the comic relief in our family. Anything to get a laugh. She always comes up with these little one-liners and I wonder where they come from until we are watching a movie or TV show and I realize that she has chosen some obscure line and filed it away in that steel-trap mind of hers until she can bring it out again at an appropriate time.

For example, one Saturday morning (EARLY), she came to our bedroom and came to my side of the bed and was talking to me, in my face. I finally said, "Kimmy, go away, you're annoying me." She sat back for a moment, contemplating that. Eventually, she got back in my face and said, "I don't feel like I am annoying you."

Just the other day, she went into this tirade. She is a mama's girl and she went off: "That's MY mama! I paid good money for her. I paid MY money for her. She was expensive because she was the prettiest mama. Go find your own mama!"

Last night, the girls were getting their awards for completing their Sparks books in Awanas at church. For me, if I am on stage, I freeze, stare straight ahead until it is over, then slink back to my seat. Not my Kimmy. She got up there, did a little dance move, stroked her chest like she was so proud of herself, then proceeded to polish the medal she got for participating in Spark-a-rama, then hid it in her vest like she was afraid someone would steal it, all the while shooting silly faces our direction. All the other kids were standing there acting like ladies and gentleman, but my Kimmy is up there hamming it up. We couldn't stop laughing.