Showing posts with label Lyme's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lyme's. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 8, 2021

6-8-2021 Journal Entry aka How I got Lyme's disease

I bought a house today!  All by myself!  It's for my mom to move up to Kansas City.  My brother will too once he finds (or I find) a house here.  Then I'm going to sell Sue's house.

I had an appointment with a Lyme's nurse practitioner today.  The appointment lasted 3 hours and I brought home a big bag of test kits to do.  Plus 2 pages of labwork to be done.  She thinks in addition to Lyme's I also have Bartonella and Babesia.

I was telling Kimberly's boyfriend about ho I got Lyme's.  The kids hate the story but if I have to have a disease, at least the story should be good.  It reminded me of how Scott always had my back, so I want to share it.

I had an appointment at the GYN and there were doctor's buildings and a hospital all right together.  I had to park across the street in another medical building's parking lot because there was no room.  When I got upstairs and checked in, I couldn't find my phone.  I assumed I'd left it in the car, but it made me anxious the whole time.  It was around Kimberly's birthday and the 4th of July and the moms were in town visiting.  After I was done, I ran downstairs and the phone was not in my car!  I dumped out my purse in the seat, searched the whole car, but it wasn't there.  I began to panic. I retraced my steps, I went into the doctor buildings and the hospital to see if anyone had turned it in.  I went back to the GYN office and asked if I'd left it on the counter, I even rummaged the sofa I'd been sitting on.  I asked to use the phone and called Scott.  We had a tracking app on the phone and he said it appeared to be right where I was.  I had no idea where else to look.  I left my name at the doctor's office and the hospital.  When I left, I felt so lost without it.  When I got home, Scott said the phone had started to move through Overland Park, away from the way I go home, so he started calling it.  After a couple of calls, it started going straight to voicemail.  Someone had turned it off!  Someone had my phone!  Which was crazy because no one should even have wanted my phone!  It was an old model, a Galaxy 5, the screen was broken (something unknown happened to it in my purse), and it had a pink and rainbow zebra case on it.  It was only worth something to ME!  It was my brain and it had my pictures on it.  It was password protected, so useless to anyone.  We figured a kid had picked it up.  But I was dejected.

Later, I had been looking up ways to wipe it remotely and the tracking app showed it back on and at Longview Lake.  I was so mad!  I wanted my phone, so I said I was going down there.  Scott said if I insisted on going, he would drive me.  One of the moms asked what would happen if it wasn't a kid and the person was violent.  I was feeling pretty violent myself, so I grabbed a big pole we used to take the cover off the patio umbrella.  Scott went to the bedroom and I didn't know he'd gotten his gun out of his gun safe.  He said if things did get violent, he wanted to be prepared to back me up.  In my mind, I saw a crowd standing around at the lake and me using my laptop to set off the phone and catching someone's pocket ringing.  Then explain THAT to a crowd of onlookers!  As we got in the car and zoomed off, we didn't speak and I could hear "Bad Boys" playing in my head.

When we got there, it looked like it was in this brush behind a building.  Adrenaline was pumping and I jumped out with my pole, despite Scott's protest.  Adrenaline took me about halfway into the woods before I got tired and common sense started to ask, "What. Are. You. Doing?"  I fell in a small creek and had recently hurt my back, so I had to use the pole to get back up.  I pressed on in the mud, until I reached a wall of brush with no break in it.  At that point, I decided to call it quits.  I turned around to go back, but decided another route was easier.  It wasn't.  There were stickers so bad, it was like they were reaching out to me.  By the time I came out of the clearing, a little ways down the road from where I went in, I was scratched and cut and muddy.  Scott was gone!  He'd heard a commotion and thought maybe some kids were crashing out of the brush, scared that way by my thrashing, so he went searching.  We decided it was probably deer.  The tracker seemed to be moving, so we drove all over the area, looking.  We even flagged down a park ranger and told him what was going on.  Meanwhile I was sending messages to the phone, hoping to scare the kid: "We just want the phone.  Leave it somewhere and we won't call the police.  We know you're at Longview Lake and we're tracking you."  e could see the battery getting lower and lower, so I finally sent the command to remote wipe the phone before I lost the chance and we left.

That night, I found a tick on me, so Scott checked me and found 3.  The next day, I found another one, so he checked me again and found 3 more.  No idea where they'd been hiding!  One on the back of my thigh itched for a year.  That's when we went to the doctor because I had a bout of depression and extreme exhaustion, plus more symptoms that I never would have connected to ticks.

I miss having adventures with Scott.

Monday, March 1, 2021

3-1-2021 Journal Entry, aka Why Me, God?

I don't even know how to start writing what I'm feeling.  I went to GriefShare tonight and something reminded me of my dad, so I told a little of that story.  The gasps when I said I found him dead and decomposing hit me.  There's so much in my life.  My divorce--being cheated on multiple times, being given an STD, being strangled after being stalked, custody battles, no child support.  My losses--my dad, my grandparents, my husband.  My health and mental health--Lyme's disease, my back injury, depression/being suicidal, PTSD (twice), borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and more.  Financial issues.  My son being special needs and having to fight for him his whole life and now being alone to do it.  My daughter running from God and being scared she'll never turn around.  Not knowing who I am when I'm not Scott's wife or Arrena, Kimberly, and Billy's mom.  Trying to figure out where I fit in at church because I know I need to, but more confused than ever.

In my previous marriage, I felt like Hosea, taking back the husband that left me for so many other women.  Now I feel like Job.  Why is my life so screwed up?  Why do all these bad things happen to me?  I know the answer for Job was for God to get the glory.  How does God get glory from all the broken pieces of my life and how do I give it to Him?  I want to honor God and give Him glory, but how?  And how much can one person bear?  I know, there must be people that have it worse.  I just don't know how much more broken I can be.  I feel like David in the Psalms when he asks, "How long Lord?"  Whatever I may want, I can't die yet because I have a son to raise, if I can get motivated to actually parent him.  And right now I have a hard time praying for Jesus' return because I'm unsure of the souls of 2 of my children.  When will all my suffering be over?  I still have a mom to lose.  Three children.  What will I lose next?  Do I have to live 40, 50 more years in this pain?  This is not my home and I know 40-50 years is a vapor compared to eternity, but from this end, it seems interminable.  What do I still need to learn or do that I haven't?  Please God, answer my prayer: save my children and let me go home.  That's all I want.