2-3-2021 Journal Entry, aka Therapists and Doctors

I went to therapy.  I cried before, during, and after therapy.

I had my telehealth doctor's appointment and he classified me as "severe major depressive disorder" with a side of new PTSD from Scott's death.  He said it may take a couple of weeks to get the insurance company its prior authorization, but he'd give me something similar in the meanwhile.  He said I've proven to be difficult to treat since I have been ineffective with 4 classes of meds.

Billy went out with his "person" tonight for the first time.  They couldn't go to church (waiting on background check), so they got to know each other going to pet shops and GameStop.  Next week, he'll start going to youth group.

2-2-2021 Journal Entry, aka Groups

Arrena sent me a news story about a Facebook group for widows of Covid.  I joined it but I'm not sure yet if I like it.  It's hard to read your story over and over again.  But, it's also nice to have people who understand what it's like to have gone through this disease and come out different.  It's nice to feel understood and commiserate with others who've had people trivialize their loss by asking what the underlying condition was.  Most of these people who died were healthy until they got Covid.

I started going to GriefShare at the church's counseling center last night.  I had a hard time even getting out of the car and I definitely cried.  But, again, it's nice to have someone to talk to because sometimes I feel like a burden to my friends and family.  I feel like they avoid the topic to keep me from feeling bad.  But, I feel bad all the time.  But, do they want to hear it all the time?  Maybe I'm the one really avoiding it.  I don't know.

Billy watched Iron Man tonight.  It was the last movie Scott watched in the hospital, so it made me cry.  I need my antidepressants back so bad.  Tomorrow's my appointment, I pray he can get insurance approval.

Today they started working on my siding.  I had to do a bunch of paperwork with my financial advisor today.  And the church got my tithe check, so they called to talk to me and pray with me.

1-7-2021 Journal Entry, aka Little Updates

Yesterday was Billy's first day back at school.  I also had a therapy appointment and went with Kimberly to get her tags for her car.  She had to euthanize her fish because I had sprayed the room with disinfectant and some must have landed in the tank because the fish was getting spots and dying.

Tara told me on the phone that she got her first dose of the Covid vaccination last week.  They offered it by age to those still qualified to work on the ambulance.  So, Scott could have had it, but it's 2 months too late.  I don't know if he would have taken it anyway--he never got flu shots.

I was so tired, I went to bed when Billy did, didn't listen to my nightly audiobook and slept 12 hours.

We had a Zoom meeting today about Billy's Community Integration and ISD services (I don't remember what it stands for, something like independent skills development, I think).  They should start in the next couple of weeks with going to youth group and volunteering at either the zoo or an animal shelter, in addition to teaching him basic skills to be an independent, functioning adult.

I haven't cried in 3 days, I think.  I say that and I'll prob bawl tonight.

Not to say my depression is gone.  It was here before I lost Scott.  I think I am going to really have to push myself to get through it.  Though I was pushing before and it wasn't helping.

I feel accomplished if I do one thing, like put groceries away or do the dishes or cook dinner without calling DoorDash.  I need to push to do more.  Tomorrow I have to organize the living room because Kimberly wants to clean it on Saturday.  It's very cluttered.

I got an email that the life insurance check is on the way.  I didn't know how long to expect.

12-21-2020 Journal Entry, aka Crying

After my shower, Arrena noticed my red eyes and asked if I was ok.  Compared to what?  I said yes, but what I really meant is that I always cry in the shower or at bedtime or when it's been a month that my husband has been dead.  In just a couple of hours, it will be exactly a month that you have been gone.  I miss you so much.  I want you back so much.  I know I was far from the best wife but I loved you so much and I don't think I showed it enough.  I don't know how to go on without you.  I don't want to be alone.  Arrena's going to get married and move to Michigan and I'll have no one.  And only see grandbabies a couple of times a year.  How is it fair for his parents to get them all the time?  Her being here is sometimes the only thing that keeps me eating or showering.  So she won't notice.  That's why I cry at night.  And so I don't upset Billy.  How has it been a month already?  It feels like just yesterday.  They tell me time will help, but I don't want to be farther removed from you.  I want you here and now.  I wish I had all the words for all that's in my heart and mind so I could pour it out on this page.  These pages you gave me that I didn't want and got so mad about (he bought me the journal so I could take up writing as a hobby and I didn't appreciate him picking a hobby for me).  Apparently, the <expletive> from Facebook are still at it.  A friend called them out on it, but it's still ongoing even though I blocked them all.  It's hurtful and hateful.  I know you would tell me to let it go.  I'm trying.  Non-Christians are being nicer to me than these women.

(see my entry from 12-15 to see the whole story of the drama I reference)

Oh, I am Such a Sap!

I used to never cry over things that didn't affect me personally. But, since I had kids, I cry over everything, it seems! Is that just the softening of motherhood or is it a chemical/hormonal thing that changes when you go through the wonders of pregnancy and childbirth?

Anyways, if you have ever heard the Mark Schultz song "Walking Her Home", you know that it is sad and maybe it has reduced you to tears as well. It's similar to the movie ending of The Notebook, if you haven't heard the song. After the first time or two of hearing it when it first came out, and knowing that it would make me cry, I refused to listen to it. I love Mark Schultz and the song is beautiful, but I can't just burst into tears any time it comes on the radio. I don't remember exactly when it came out, but it has to have been 2+ years that I have been turning the station dial when I hear the beginning of that song. We got in the car to go to church tonight and I was trying to put on my makeup. The song was on the radio, but I didn't think it would bother me because I know the words, they aren't going to surprise me, and it's been over two years! But, as soon as it got to that last verse, to my surprise, the tears started flowing. Chris looked at me funny and I mumbled, "I can't listen to that song. It does that to me every time!" I think he gets it because, quite honestly, my big brute of a husband cried at the end of The Notebook too!

Maybe I should reproduce the lyrics here, in case you don't know the song:

Mark Schultz - Walking Her Home

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Her dad said son
Have her home on time
And promise me you'll never leave her side
He took her to a show in town
And he was ten feet off the ground

(Chorus)
He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

Ten more years and a waiting room
At half past one
And the doctor said come in and meet your son

His knees went weak
When he saw his wife
She was smiling as she said he's got your eyes

And as she slept he held her tight
His mind went back to that first night

(Chorus)
He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

He walked her through the best days of her life
Sixty years together and he never left her side

A nursing home
At eighty-five
And the doctor said it could be her last night
And the nurse said Oh
Should we tell him now
Or should he wait until the morning to find out

But when they checked her room that night
He was laying by her side

Oh he was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end
And just for a while they were eighteen
And she was still more beautiful to him than anything
He was walking her home
He was walking her home

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Our 13th Anniversary & Father's Day

Tomorrow is our 13th anniversary. I cannot believe that we have been married that long. Sometimes it feels LONGER.... Ha, ha. But most times, I feel like time has flown by. I have been feeling sympathy for parents whose children think they are so old and out of touch! I feel like my childhood is not that far back! Where did 13 years go!? YIKES!



Anyways, enough lamenting the passage of time. This weekend was my first weekend on my new schedule, which means I was off work! So, Chris and I, who have gotten used to day dates, went out last night. We acted like kids and rode his motorcycle. I don't care much for bike riding. He loves it, but to be perfectly honest, it kind of scares me. But I do it because he loves it so much. And his bike is so nice. I picked it out for him and it gets a lot of stares and comments--no one believes that a woman picked it out, especially one that isn't really a bike enthusiast. We have plans to improve on it--we want to paint it a deep cobalt blue with silver real flames. Not the cartoonish looking flames--the ones that look real. And we want to chrome the frame. Anyways, I digress....

We went to TGIFridays to eat and then we went and saw the Prince Caspian movie. I love the Narnia books and I loved The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. Prince Caspian was a little different than the book, but it was for dramatics and it was still pretty good. Chris wasn't really gung-ho about seeing it, but he agreed afterwards that it was good. We thought about going somewhere afterwards because it was rare for the kids to be spending the night elsewhere and to not to have to rush home, but we were limited as to what was open at that time of night, so we decided to go ahead and go home. We (well, only me, actually) stayed up to watch a scary video at home.

Today was father's day. Chris didn't give much direction as to what he wanted for gifts, so he was hard to shop for. And everything I wanted to get him, I suddenly couldn't find. I was so frustrated. I ended up getting him a shirt for church and a couple of videos. The biggest hit was an afterthought gift. It was a pen with a laser pointer and flashlight. He and the kids had a blast playing with that, chasing the laserpoint all around the room. Arrena is taking him out to lunch tomorrow for her father's day gift.

It was somewhat of a sad day, really. I was already a little melancholy after the sermon at church (I'm not for sure why, but a few tears were rolling down my cheek by the invitation). Then after church, my mom started crying because she said my grandpa has been sick and weak and she worries about him, which made me well up too. And just the fact that both Chris and I have lost our dads made me sad. Only a few tears, yet it seems any tears lately sends me into a migraine.



We spent some time at my grandparents' along with my aunt, my uncle, and a few cousins. But Billy has been feverish and clingy today, so he may be coming down with something and we went home and put him to bed. After we got home, I reserved a campsite for my family reunion in Oklahoma over labor day weekend. I'm not much of an outdoor person and haven't been camping since I was a toddler, so we'll see how that goes! Daddy's only wish for father's day was some quality time with his motorcycle, so he promptly went on a bike ride...after a few winks. When he came home, he gave each of the kids a ride around the block. They loved it.

Last week was mostly boring. We didn't stick to our schedule at all. Lots of rain and storms kept us inside a lot. We had a tornado touch down about 2 miles due south of us on Wednesday night. The kids were scared to death. Even daddy got in the basement, which is unusual for him. My cell phone started ringing as soon as the tornado sirens went off and I said, "There's my mom, making sure we are in the basement!" I was right. Chris needed my truck to go to work a few times, so that left us stranded a few days. I did some decorating--I hadn't put up many pictures because I hadn't planned to live here long, but I guess we will, so I broke down and put some up.

About the only outing last week was to the library. The kids really love that. They are enrolled in a summer reading program. Billy has already reached his goal and the girls (who had a higher goal) are getting close.




Kimmy planted her garden last Saturday: lots of tomatoes (we are suffering withdrawal because of the FDA ban), some green peppers, jalapenos, onion, and watermelon.

The kids start vacation Bible school tomorrow and are really excited about that.

I bought the kids a small wading pool and they are thrilled with that. Well, the girls love it, Billy's a little scared of the water. They have been playing in it the last two days. Might be the last time for a while--it's supposed to rain and storm all week.

Guess that's all there is to report! TTFN! Ta-ta for now!