12-9-2020 Journal Entry, aka New Therapist

I just feel blah and empty today.  But I had to get up and get ready because I got a new counselor today.  She works at Abundant Life Counseling Center.  I am meeting with the grief coach Friday.

Update on the Little Prince

My last post was one of desperation. I have to say that things didn't get much better after that. Billy's tirade lasted four or five days. One particularly bad day, I took my phone, walked out onto the porch, shutting the front door on the sound of Billy banging on his bedroom door, and sat down to call a close friend and cry. We talked for a while and one thing she said to me was that she was not an advocate of institutionalizing children, but she was afraid that in this case, it might be necessary. I was NOT pleased to hear that.

My husband had worked the night before and as he works 24 hour shifts, he was sleeping that morning. When he woke up and found me in a state of tears, snot, and raw nerves, he said I should have woken him up. He said that we might have to think about hospitalizing Billy. I immediately burst into sobs and wails, saying that's what my friend had said and I couldn't imagine such a thing. How could I send my 6-year-old away to strangers? He's my baby! My husband helped me count my blessings to calm me down and urged me to call our counselor to see what he thought.

When the counselor called me back and heard the tale of woe, his response was that if we didn't get him under control quickly, we might have to send him to a residential treatment facility. We met with him and I cried in his office. I knew that I would do whatever was best for Billy, even if it meant sending him to some in-patient treatment, but the idea of it ripped my heart out. Our counselor urged me to harass the psychiatrist's office every day until we were able to get an earlier appointment. He said he was not able to make diagnoses, but he was leaning towards Billy having bipolar disorder, as well as some OCD, which would require some other meds (which would hopefully bring the situation under control without having to send Billy anywhere). We, personally, have long thought he might have some mild autism, perhaps Asperger's.

The psychiatrist's office was able to get us in last Wednesday. Since our counselor works some days out of the same office as our psychiatrist, he had met with the doctor and discussed with him the problems and his observations before our appointment. When I came in, he asked me some questions and then asked me if we were willing to go to a stronger medicine. It carries more risks, but we are at our wit's end and we don't know what else to do. The counselor who has been at this for thirty years doesn't even know what else to do at this point. And it has to be better than sending him to a facility. So, they took him off his afternoon med and his antidepressant and put him on an anti-psychotic. The doctor is not willing to change his diagnosis yet or label Billy as anything, but the meds that he put him on treat autism, bipolar, and schizophrenia. My ex-husband's family has more than enough bipolar and schizophrenia to go around, so it is entirely possible that one or more of my children could inherit these problems.

So, we've started him on half a dose. When his body gets used to that and he overcomes his sleepiness from the meds, we will bump him up to a full dose. We are praying that this makes a difference for him and that he will have little to no side effects from it. He did not behave well Saturday, when I hosted a friend's baby shower. But, he has been pretty good yesterday and today, so we are praying that this continues.

One blessing to come out of this was that I visited a new Sunday School class last week and met a woman who has a son with mild autism. He was placed on the same meds and she swore by them. So, when the doctor suggested them, I had already heard of them. And it is nice to have someone to talk to who knows what we are going through.

Our next step with him is to get him a dental appointment. He has needed some work done for a while, but it was either that we didn't have the money for it or that we had hoped he would lose the baby teeth soon rather than wasting a fortune on teeth that may fall out in a month. However, he has a couple that are really causing him problems and look really bad. My husband also believes that if his teeth were fixed, he might eat more and might be better-tempered. However, I am not sure how we will get him to hold still for the work I foresee coming. If they come near him with a needle or a drill, he will flip. The insurance company said they would cover sedation if the dentist gets pre-authorization and can show reason why it is necessary. I had hoped for a little bit more of a concrete diagnosis for Billy. I mean, they might be more likely to approve sedation for a child who has autism or bipolar disorder than a child who is just diagnosed as ADHD. ADHD just doesn't adequately cover Billy.

If his eating doesn't improve after his dental work, I am going to take him back to our primary care physician. I worry about his physical health as well as his mental and emotional health. He hasn't gained weight in more than two years (he's always been very skinny), he's almost seven and hasn't had even a hint of a loose tooth yet, and he complains about stomachaches all the time. He doesn't sleep well either, but I assume that has more to do with the mental and emotional issues he has.

Please pray for my little guy. I feel so sorry for him. But, I also feel sorry for the girls and for us because we all suffer with this.

Blessings & Encouragement

The following verses are courtesy my friend Felis (what an unexpected encouragement!):

I Peter 1:6 "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while." (NLT)

Psalm 62:5 "My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him." (NASB)

I have good days and I have bad days. I seem to be okay if allowed to just float along, but when forced to make a decision, I panic and crumble. My counselor said this is a sure sign of depression and thinks an antidepressant will help immensely. Tomorrow I see the doctor so hopefully that will be accomplished soon. I long for a time for my mind to be still so I can think clearly.

I keep reminding myself of the things that I have learned that I have written here. I think I need to go back to reading that book. I put it aside to read another one I found by Joyce Meyer, but I don't like it as well. I can't seem to find the HOW to what she writes about. All she writes is true and sounds good, but HOW do you do it? How do you put it into practice?

I feel like I should list the ways that God has personally showed me love in recent days (sort of counting my blessings):
* delivered some things I needed right to my door when I didn't have the money to buy them (I have meant to share this story on my blog, but I will do it at a later time)
* allowed me to find and get in touch with two of my dear friends that I haven't been in touch with in years
* Felis' Bible verses on her Facebook page which were exactly what I needed at the time
* the lady in the YMCA singing "I Need Thee Every Hour"
* in the midst of my weeping over a situation, God speaking the word "trust" to my heart which stopped me in my tracks
* the mail piece I was keying on which was written the words to a verse of the song "Trust & Obey"
* the other night (I will share more about this later as well) when I felt God personally encouraging me and lifting me up
* my best friend calling me out of the blue (we don't get much time to talk on the phone these days, so it had been a while) at the exact moment I had been thinking about her

...and countless other things, I am sure, that have happened that I am likely not even aware of. I know that God is there and He is personally concerned with me. That is such an awesome thought. With all that goes on in the world and the universe, with all the billions of people on this planet, yet God knows me and my life and my details and cares about them and shows His love. I am humbled.

Matthew 7:7-11 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Romans 8:31-32 "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

In the words of one of my favorite songs (MercyMe's God With Us), "Who are we that You would be mindful of us? "What do You see that's worth looking our way?"

Psalm 8:3-4 "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"

Counseling Today

I wanted to write to tell you how my counseling went today. There a couple of friends who read my blog that will be wondering how it went and it was easier to do it this way than to tell each individually.

I went to a counselor that I had seen a few years ago. She is really nice. She was very sympathetic. She had me schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to see about getting on some medication. Unfortunately, they didn't have any appointments available until December 10. Knowing how it takes some time to get anti-depressants into your system, I'm not sure this will help me for the Christmas season, which will obviously be tough for obvious reasons (obvious to some) and the exhaustion of my holiday work schedule and the lack of sunlight, which I have noticed is affecting me. And I will not see my counselor again until December 1, with Thanksgiving coming up.

She mostly took down notes and listened to me. She wants me to make sure that I eat a balanced meal. I told her that I had been barely eating. She said to force myself to eat several small meals. She wants me to cut out the caffeine. I knew this was coming, but it still stinks because I love pop and the caffeine keeps my migraines away. And it keeps me awake at work. She said to drink plenty of water and exercise to help with the migraines and to only drink a pop if I feel a migraine coming. She thinks they are stress-related and hopes I can eventually eliminate them altogether. She wants me to limit my sugar intake because she said that will make my moods spike and then crash. She wants me to continue to exercise and to get plenty of sunlight and get out and do some things. I mentioned that I wanted to volunteer in the nursery at church and at a place affiliated with the church that gives household goods to people in need. She said she thought that would be an excellent thing to do and was sure it would help me a lot. She recommended a book, "A Joy I'd Never Known" by Jan Dravecky. She also said that my not getting enough sleep was not helping, so if I can get Billy down for a nap, it would help for me to take a nap during the day. I don't know where I will fit that in and Billy is so resistant to naps.

Wasn't much more said. There's a lot to fit into just one hour. It's a start, though.