Counseling Today

I wanted to write to tell you how my counseling went today. There a couple of friends who read my blog that will be wondering how it went and it was easier to do it this way than to tell each individually.

I went to a counselor that I had seen a few years ago. She is really nice. She was very sympathetic. She had me schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to see about getting on some medication. Unfortunately, they didn't have any appointments available until December 10. Knowing how it takes some time to get anti-depressants into your system, I'm not sure this will help me for the Christmas season, which will obviously be tough for obvious reasons (obvious to some) and the exhaustion of my holiday work schedule and the lack of sunlight, which I have noticed is affecting me. And I will not see my counselor again until December 1, with Thanksgiving coming up.

She mostly took down notes and listened to me. She wants me to make sure that I eat a balanced meal. I told her that I had been barely eating. She said to force myself to eat several small meals. She wants me to cut out the caffeine. I knew this was coming, but it still stinks because I love pop and the caffeine keeps my migraines away. And it keeps me awake at work. She said to drink plenty of water and exercise to help with the migraines and to only drink a pop if I feel a migraine coming. She thinks they are stress-related and hopes I can eventually eliminate them altogether. She wants me to limit my sugar intake because she said that will make my moods spike and then crash. She wants me to continue to exercise and to get plenty of sunlight and get out and do some things. I mentioned that I wanted to volunteer in the nursery at church and at a place affiliated with the church that gives household goods to people in need. She said she thought that would be an excellent thing to do and was sure it would help me a lot. She recommended a book, "A Joy I'd Never Known" by Jan Dravecky. She also said that my not getting enough sleep was not helping, so if I can get Billy down for a nap, it would help for me to take a nap during the day. I don't know where I will fit that in and Billy is so resistant to naps.

Wasn't much more said. There's a lot to fit into just one hour. It's a start, though.

On the up-side...

Yesterday (& even today) was so frustrating that it was hard to find an up-side. But I have to find something positive to focus on.

One good thing that happened yesterday was that I had a bit of good news, I hope. I had been interested in an ad for a mobile home to rent a few weeks ago. I had called the man and he seemed very pleasant. He said that they were moving the home from Hutchinson and were putting it in the trailer park just down the street from me, actually a little closer to the girls' school. I had called that trailer park because they rent homes as well as lots and his rent is $50 less than theirs. Plus, the rent includes cable and internet! He had emailed me pictures and the place was really pretty--even has a small den! But, he had also said he had had some other inquiries. Enough time had gone by that I was sure that it had already been moved and rented. But, I emailed him anyways and he said that the weather had delayed the set-up, so it wasn't even ready yet and it was still available and he would let me know. I don't yet have the money for the deposit or the rent, but I am praying that if this is the place that God wants me, that it will all fall into place at the right time.

Another good thing was that I weighed myself and I have actually lost 8 pounds since the last time I weighed! That's always a plus!

Oh, and I think I found addresses for two of my friends that I haven't been able to get a hold of in a few years.

Last night I had a little unexpected encouragement. It's always interesting as I am keying the mail (in case you didn't know, I do data entry at the post office) to see the little notes people write on the outsides of their envelopes. This one had a verse from the song "Trust & Obey": "Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies, But His smile quickly drives it away; Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear, Can abide while we trust and obey." And then there was a line that said something like, "If you can't see past earth's shadow, look to Jesus and his light!"

I was struggling over some issues today and was praying and crying, asking God how I could accept a certain situation. I felt one word in my heart. I almost didn't catch it because I was so focused on myself. It was, "trust."

Thank you if you prayed for my cousin--he has been released from the hospital. Not even a broken bone. He had a concussion, a bruised ankle and liver, and lost a lot of blood from various cuts (had to be stapled back together), but he is very, very lucky. I pray that he takes advantage of this second chance.

When it Rains, It Pours

Some of you know what is going on in our lives right now and I don't feel the need to broadcast it here. At least not now. Maybe when I feel stronger, my story might help someone else, but for now, I'd rather just survive it. Anyways, it seems like I can't catch a break. When I got up this morning, the dogs had made a mess in the garage. They had escaped their kennels and had pooped all over the garage, chewed two shoes that were left by the back door, and had torn up the blinds on the back door. I have had it with these dogs. They have not endeared themselves to me like previous pets. They have been strictly outdoor animals and have constantly been destructive. They ate half of the shed and we had to rebuild it. Knowing that we will be moving in the next couple of months and will likely end up in an apartment or a trailer park, I know the dogs will have to find a new home eventually. This upsets the kids. They don't have the same indifference towards the dogs that I do. And I hate having to take pets away from the kids. My dad did that when I was a kid and I hated him for it. I don't want to be the bad guy here. Okay, so if that wasn't enough pressure, I went to check the mail and had a letter from our property management company saying they will be doing property checks on Friday. We never paid a pet deposit, so they don't know that we have the dogs. So, I either have to give them away or find a way to hide them before Friday or I will have to come up with the $400 pet deposit. And obviously I have to make sure the house is in order in a day and a half, which it is not. I have been packing. And of course, my expensive vacuum cleaner chose this time to quit on me. So, my floors are a mess and I have to try to sweep them with a broom, which is a pain. And Billy got creative with some markers (on the wall, the banister, & the carpet), so I have to get that cleaned up before they come. As if that didn't have me stressed enough, my fridge quit. I had thought for a couple of days that my drinks weren't very cold. But, at first I thought it was my imagination. I have been so distracted with other things. Finally, it came to my conscious mind that it wasn't right, so I tried to adjust the temperature setting. But that didn't work, so today I checked the thermometer and it was 65 degrees in the fridge! And we have been eating things out of there! Arrena had been complaining about a stomachache--I probably gave her food poisoning! What a horrible mom! So far, the freezer is still frozen, but I don't know if that is just because we are in it less or what. I called the property management company and they said they would send someone out, but who knows how long that will take. And I will have to throw away most everything in the fridge. If my emotional level wasn't on the very edge before, I also found out last night that my cousin Jesse was in a head-on collision and is in the ICU. They say he will live, but I don't know much else. I would like to go see him, but I can't take Billy with me. And my mom today told me that my grandpa is getting more and more confused, asking grandma to take him to where they are staying (when they are at home already) and asking where the bathroom is. That worries and upsets me. Please pray for me and my grandpa and my cousin and a friend of mine whose husband was laid off right after they found out she was pregnant.

More musings...(vol. 3)

Things I learned last night from my book:

* We will break down if we don't fill up with Jesus. We will run out of fuel and have nothing left to give.

* If you work your schedule around God, put Him first, you will find yourself getting things done supernaturally.

* Trust yourself to God. He wants you. He wants to take care of you and be your everything. (I thought of the verse in Romans 12:1 that talks about presenting yourself as a living sacrifice.)

* Receive forgiveness for past sin and let it go. Let go of the guilt.

* What has God protected us from that we never even knew about? I try (note the word "TRY") not to get upset if something has happened to make me late--I always wonder if God has caused the distraction and thus helped me to avoid a wreck or something else that would have harmed me.

* Romans 15:13 "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

* Avoid strife with others and be humble. Romans 12:18 "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men."

* When correction comes, pray for God to help you keep your mouth shut, and for grace to receive correction. Don't let a wall go up.

* Don't pretend with God that it's all okay. He knows. "If our relationships aren't right, our lives won't be right. And if our private lives aren't right, our public lives aren't right."

* Slow down and stop hurrying. People who rush and hurry all the time are more often impatient and short-tempered--not enjoyable people to be around. Ecclesiastes 3:1 "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven."

* How we start the day sets the pace for the rest of the day. Start in your mind. Peace of mind is a prerequisite for peace in our life. Proverbs 23:7a "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he."

* Leave room in your schedule for the unexpected--pad it a little--so that if something comes up, it won't ruin your whole day or send you into a tailspin.

Today I thought of some more song lyrics...

I'm the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can't even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I'm spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall?

You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart

I'm the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You're the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall

You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart

You're everything good in my life
Everything honest and true
And all of those stars hanging up in the sky
Could never shine brighter than You

You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You are
You are
Jesus, You are

You are everything

********************************

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

********************************

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

A verse for the feeling of loneliness: Psalm 27:10 "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take care of me"

More musings...yada, yada...(vol. 2)

Last night, I read about indecisiveness! Wow, that's me to a "T". I have always been indecisive and once I actually do make a decision, I rethink it to death! I over-analyze everything. So, last night I learned that I will not have peace if I don't overcome this problem. I need to make decisions and stick with them unless I am proved wrong. I have to start with smaller commitments and work my way up to bigger ones. I can't be afraid of what others will think. If I have trouble with a decision, the book said to let my mind rest, don't think about it. Then, examine my heart and see what do I know inside that I should do? If I have peace about that, that's what I should do. Joyce Meyer said that if you are confused, you are not in God's Will. At first, I took a bit of offense to that, but her supporting evidence was I Corinthians 14:33 "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace...."

Some other verses that either she quoted in the book or that came to my mind that I want to remember later:

Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Hebrews 4:15, 16 "For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Hebrews 13:5, 6 "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' So we may boldly say: 'The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?'"

James 1:5-8, 17, 19 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways....Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning....So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath."

Psalm 91 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you make the Most High your dwelling—even the LORD, who is my refuge--then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

More musings on the book I am reading (& my Bible reading)

I was reading about how useless worry is. I knew that in my head, but gained new insight with some comments from the book In Pursuit of Peace. Worry won't change anything. Duh...but seriously! If it won't help and likely will hurt, why bother wasting time and energy on it? And if God will take care of you, why worry? Trust Him! And worrying about other people? You can't change people. You can barely control the outcome of your life, let alone anyone else's. Why worry about what anyone else does or says or thinks? They will do what they will do and you can't change it. Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

II Corinthians 5:7 says, "For we walk by faith, not by sight." Our feelings do not always convey truth. Our feelings change. We cannot trust our feelings. Satan can use our feelings against us. He can change our feelings.

I know I quoted this one yesterday, but it is well worth repeating. Matthew 7:7-11 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 9:20-22 "And suddenly, a woman who had a flow of blood for twelve years came from behind and touched the hem of His garment. For she said to herself, “If only I may touch His garment, I shall be made well.” But Jesus turned around, and when He saw her He said, “Be of good cheer, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And the woman was made well from that hour." Matthew 17:18-21 "And Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of him; and the child was cured from that very hour. Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.”

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." I have been trying to focus on God as much as possible (through prayer, Bible reading, my books I am reading, and music) to try to keep the negative thoughts at bay. When I do, I am okay. When I don't, the depression creeps in. Today while I was at the YMCA, I was getting sad and depressed while in the showers. It really gets me when I am totally alone, showering or driving to work, etc. When I got out and was at my locker, getting dressed, a woman walked by and was singing "I Need Thee Every Hour." So you can see what an unexpected blessing that was (and so I can see it whenever I need it), I will put the lyrics here:

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their pow’r when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

What the Devil...?

I have been reading a book by Joyce Meyer called In Pursuit of Peace. I don't know that I accept everything that Joyce Meyer says and stands for, but I sometimes find some good things in her books. She has written much about your mind and depression and broken hearts and peace and joy, so I have started reading some of these.

In the section I was reading last night she was talking about Satan stealing your peace. I found this interesting because I had been thinking recently that a lot of the problems and obstacles in our lives and marriage have always seemed to be to be almost Satanic attacks, by nature. I don't know how to explain that, but it seemed like things have always been coming out of the blue, so to speak. We could be on track and then something blindsides us and derails everything. But, I couldn't figure that out. We're nobody! Satan doesn't fool with those who aren't a threat to him. He messes with those that can make a difference and are strong in their faith because they can do the most damage.

She mentioned the verse in Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." I guess I had misunderstood that verse all these years or at least not looked at it critically. She said that the enemy is Satan, not people. We blame people and circumstances for our trouble (and I have!), but it is Satan that is the real enemy. She pointed out that Satan is a liar and not to believe his lies. God will bless your faithfulness and wants us to prosper and will bless us if we follow Him. Satan wants to keep us hopeless, he sets us up to be upset. The Bible says in Daniel that Satan wants to wear out the saints of God. Joyce Meyer said that that indicates that it will be continual trouble, not just a single attack. And she said that if Satan can't get to you directly, he will try to get at you through the people close to you.

Satan has made me hopeless. He showed me my situation and convinced me that it will never change and made me fearful, so I gave up trying. Romans 8:15 says, "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father'." Matthew 7:7-11 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" I Peter 5:7-9a "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith...." James 4:7 "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

But, how do you resist the devil? I am still pondering that, but here is a good start: Ephesians 6:10-18 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

I know this is kind of a strange blog, but it has been on my mind and I wanted to get all the bits down in coherent thought so I can cement the truth in my mind. And refer back to this later when the fear tries to come back.

More Song Lyrics (God's Love)

Pure

Your love is pure, your love is precious, your love is all I need.
Your love is pure, your love is precious, your love is all I need.
Your love surrounds me, your love astounds me, your love is everything.
I run to you, my heart is weak, I cling to you, you're all I see.
It's my heart's desire to be close to you, cause here in your arms I'll find my strength.


Majesty (Here I Am)

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice


Voice of Truth

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth


Magnificent Obsession

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You


Hallelujah (Your Love is Amazing)

Your love is amazing
Steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain
Firm beneath my feet

Your love is a mystery
How You gently lift me
When I am surrounded
Your love carries me