12-15-2020 Journal Entry, aka Anger and Forgiveness

Disclaimer: I was tempted to either skip this journal entry or heavily edit it, but I want to be real and honest and raw.  What was funny is that in my devotion last night, it was about forgiveness and forgiving people who are even heartless about your grief and loss.  Sometimes people say stupid things.  But, the author, who lost a child, encouraged her readers to forgive as God forgives us.  It only festers in the heart and creates bitterness.  So, I am endeavoring to forgive these ladies that hurt my feelings so deeply.

I'm so MAD!  Arrena tested positive for Covid today and I posted about it and Scott's death because they are both about people not wearing masks (Arrena was around some anti-maskers at her boyfriend's church).  Later, a "friend" posted about you can't blame Covid or the "face diapers" if you smoke, drink, or eat too much,  It felt like she was saying Scott deserved to die because he was overweight.  Arrena isn't, so what's the excuse there?  How dare she say such things where I can see them and people I have known most of my life agreeing.  The one posting never even expressed condolences on his death.  I want to unfriend all these "Christians" that don't act Christ-like.  One said, "I hate how it's assumed we aren't being Christ-like."  You're NOT!   If you refuse to wear masks and protect life, how can you say you are acting Christ-like?  I've just had it with people like this.

It Is WELL With My Soul

That is one of my all-time favorite hymns. It's been my favorite since I was a small child. I have learned the story behind it and even wrote a paper about it in Bible College. How many hundreds of times have I heard this song? And yet, when I heard it a few weeks ago, I learned something new.

"Though Satan should buffet
Though trials should come
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed his own blood for my soul."

Whatever Satan tries to plague me with, whatever I've done, Jesus looked ahead in time and saw me for who and what I am and he saw my sin and still chose me and died for me anyway. He paid for it ALL. My hanging on to guilt is doing his sacrifice a disservice. I'm placing myself in God's place as judge. I don't have to do anything to receive salvation and forgiveness, just accept and receive it.

"Though his eyes were on the crowd that day,
He looked ahead in time...
He knew me, yet he loved me...
So unworthy of such mercy,
Yet when he was on the cross,
I was on his mind."

Once we receive that forgiveness, we have to let it go. Satan tries to point to our failures and say, "See? You will never measure up!" But we have to remember that God has forgiven and truly forgotten our sin.

"It happened so long ago
And I cried out for mercy back then.
I plead the blood of Jesus
Begged him to forgive my sin.
But I still can't forget it
It just won't go away.
So I wept again, 'Lord wash my sin,'But this is all He'd say,

What sin, what sin?
Well that's as far away as the east is from the west.
What sin, what sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness.

The heaviest thing you'll carry
Is a load of guilt and shame.
You were never meant to bear them
So let them go in Jesus name.
Our God is slow to anger
Quick to forgive our sin
So let Him put them under the blood
Don't bring them up again.
Cause He'll just say,

What sin, what sin?
Well that's as far away as the east is from the west.
What sin, what sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness.

Lord, please deliver me from my accusing memory.
Nothing makes me weak this way, then when I hear you say,

What sin, what sin?
Well that's as far away as the east is from the west.
What sin, what sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness."

I had another "epiphany" while I was at church recently. Something was being said about Jesus' death. I KNOW how wonderful that is, but I found myself thinking, "well, yeah, but of course he would give up his life to save all of mankind." I mean, sheer numbers, volume! But I felt a lurch in my heart as I was nearly brought to my knees. I FELT the words, "If you had been the only one, I would have still died for you." I couldn't stop the tears that suddenly welled up. Talk about a boost of self-esteem... Or as I've heard before, "if that don't light your fire, your wood's wet!" Truly awesome!

More musings...(vol. 3)

Things I learned last night from my book:

* We will break down if we don't fill up with Jesus. We will run out of fuel and have nothing left to give.

* If you work your schedule around God, put Him first, you will find yourself getting things done supernaturally.

* Trust yourself to God. He wants you. He wants to take care of you and be your everything. (I thought of the verse in Romans 12:1 that talks about presenting yourself as a living sacrifice.)

* Receive forgiveness for past sin and let it go. Let go of the guilt.

* What has God protected us from that we never even knew about? I try (note the word "TRY") not to get upset if something has happened to make me late--I always wonder if God has caused the distraction and thus helped me to avoid a wreck or something else that would have harmed me.

* Romans 15:13 "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

* Avoid strife with others and be humble. Romans 12:18 "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men."

* When correction comes, pray for God to help you keep your mouth shut, and for grace to receive correction. Don't let a wall go up.

* Don't pretend with God that it's all okay. He knows. "If our relationships aren't right, our lives won't be right. And if our private lives aren't right, our public lives aren't right."

* Slow down and stop hurrying. People who rush and hurry all the time are more often impatient and short-tempered--not enjoyable people to be around. Ecclesiastes 3:1 "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven."

* How we start the day sets the pace for the rest of the day. Start in your mind. Peace of mind is a prerequisite for peace in our life. Proverbs 23:7a "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he."

* Leave room in your schedule for the unexpected--pad it a little--so that if something comes up, it won't ruin your whole day or send you into a tailspin.

Today I thought of some more song lyrics...

I'm the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can't even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I'm spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall?

You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart

I'm the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You're the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall

You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart

You're everything good in my life
Everything honest and true
And all of those stars hanging up in the sky
Could never shine brighter than You

You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You are
You are
Jesus, You are

You are everything

********************************

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

********************************

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

A verse for the feeling of loneliness: Psalm 27:10 "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take care of me"