I Take Back What I Said About Mother's Day...or The Disappearing Summers

Recently I read and reviewed a book that may be made into a movie soon called Just 18 Summers. It was about a concept I'd been pondering a lot lately: that we have a limited amount of time with our kids to teach them, to make memories, to prepare them for life. That's been hitting home to me because my oldest will be 14 and entering her last year of middle school in the fall. My time with her is waning. And her sister is only a year behind her. I struggle with the constant battle of wanting to seize and savor every moment yet being tired from the constant pull of every day life in contrast to the bleak job of every parent: to make themselves obsolete so their kids can enter adult life independent and prepared.

I've always been big on summer fun. Since my oldest started kindergarten, I looked at summers as a way to spend time together and make memories she'd carry with her for a lifetime. And summers from school are a poignant reminder of the clock ticking. When they are preschoolers, each day rolls into the next day and before you know it, a year has passed, then two. But once they go off to school and summer comes, you know you have 3 months (or less) to have fun, make memories, take vacations, teach them things they can't learn in school and just enjoy them.

In recent days/years, I've been guilty of counting down til school starts back. I'm tired. My son has special needs and requires a huge amount of attention. And because I've been so diligent about trying to make all things equal between my kids, the girls expect equal attention and I get overloaded.

Last summer, I'd planned to get back to my usual summer fun and planned out some activities, made a calendar of events, etc.  But then I had surgery and recovery was harder than I expected. We did go camping in Branson and had fun but I wanted more.

The last post I published on this blog (I've written a couple of others, especially explaining our life right now, just haven't hit that "publish" button yet) was about wanting to boycott Mother's Day because I felt disrespected by my children and didn't want fake, expected tokens. I can assure you I was forced to eat my words later. I think the day after I wrote that blog, my son's therapist recommended long-term residential treatment. The guilt for what I'd written about Mother's Day was nearly as bad as the pain of the idea of sending my 9-year-old off to the care of strangers. To say I was inconsolable is an understatement. The series of events that have followed have left us broken. Financial difficulty, difficult decisions, two short-term hospitalizations for my son, my daughter struggling with inner demons as well as high blood pressure we can't get control of, custody court battle, and job chaos, just to name a few. The list doesn't do justice to the amount of turmoil it represents.

I had high hopes for this summer. My girls were in summer school to get ahead and prepare for advanced classes that would give them high school credit in middle school. They also went to camp. But, in the 6 remaining weeks of summer, I had plans, lists, calendars, and even a Pinterest board. Let the fun begin! Memories and life lessons!

But, I hurt my back. My son injured my back a couple of months ago but I somehow re-injured it so that it became excruciating. Top three on my pain repertoire. 8.0 on the Richter scale. So, my mobility was severely limited. The past couple of weeks, I've been going to doctor/chiropractor appointments, taking meds that knock me out, and laid up in bed. But, now that it's starting to get better, I've been chomping at the bit to get out and do some activities! My daughter even has a Pinterest board called her "summer bucket list."

Yesterday, though, my summer was sucked away in an instant. Without going into too much detail, what I thought would be a routine pre-trial court hearing that my lawyer said I didn't have to attend turned out to have massive effects. With the exception of our already scheduled vacation, the kids will spend the rest of the summer with their dad. I won't even go into how my lawyer didn't bother to tell me, I had to hear about it in a text from their dad the day before they are supposed to go or that she won't call me back to explain what happened or some of the other nonsense this included. Or that this was sprung on me last minute and I have to scramble to get them ready or that they have appointments scheduled that dad will likely skip. Or that the kids don't like this at all (but no one seemed to care or even ask) or that Billy will miss meet the teacher night at his new school or Arrena will miss volleyball meetings or Kimberly will miss another month of karate (after missing a month when she injured her foot).  Our summer just kicked the bucket. Except for our vacation window, one more summer down.

I bawled yesterday at this news for a lot of reasons I won't list here. I know all the pat answers and cliches, that God has a plan. But my heart still hurts. I'm mom and I should be able to fix things. But I'm powerless and impotent.  And even worse than that, even though I know God is in control, I need direction.  I need answers on what to do now.  What is the correct response?  How can I tell what the right decisions are?  And with my anxiety attacks, I need boldness and clarity and discernment.  I am notorious for wallowing and mourning at tough things, but after I have my cry and time to process, I pull up my big girl panties and strap on my boots and get busy and become the force to be reckoned with.  I research, I come armed with knowledge, I won't take no for an answer, I fight to the end for my kids.  I need to be that right now.

I'm trying to look on the bright side: that I could use some respite (from Billy's 24/7 demands and for my back) and that I'll be able to get some things done (writing the play for the drama team, working on my book, working on my Etsy shop and my blog), but they all fall short of seeing those faces every day.  And just when I think I have set myself to accept this, the response of one of the kids knocks my feet out from under me and makes me feel like dirt.  How can a mom not protect her children?  And how can a court ask that of me?

I am also trying to remember Romans 8, that God will use this experience for the kids to make them more like Christ, to mold them and shape them into who He has planned for them to be.  And that He is with them always and loves them more than I could ever imagine AND has the power to protect them that I don't possess.  There's the possibility that they could be witnesses to their dad or their step-mom.

I have been angry and confused and upset and asking God why, but in the end, I do trust Him.  Nothing can shake that.  Like Job said, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him."

While our summer vacation has been cut extremely short and what little time we do have is up in the air, depending on a lot of factors and variables, this reminds me that we are not promised a tomorrow.  We may count 18 summers, but we aren't promised that.  A court may order the kids to their dad's for the summer.  A friend lost her four-year-old to a brain tumor.  A woman at our church died of cancer, leaving behind her five-year-old son.  We are not promised any tomorrows.  All we have is now.  The plans, the calendars, the Pinterest boards--they are great, but today is the day to hug your kids and tell them you love them.  Teach them one life lesson.  Talk about God.  Tell them a family story.  Spend time with them.  Make a memory.  I know we are busy, but tomorrow may be too late.

Scheduling, AKA, What We've Been Up To

I've never been a structured, schedule-oriented person. I don't like being confined. I want to do what I want, when I want. I might have a few things I want to get done in a given day, but I also like to get a wild hair and decide I need to run to the craft store for mirror pieces or to WalMart for material, etc. But, my children seem to fare better with structure. Especially Arrena. She likes life ordered and scheduled. She wants to know what we will do next and next after that and next after that and tomorrow and the next day, etc. I believe she would plan out her entire life, including her demise. And she's seven! I know I should be more scheduled--I'd get more done, instead of saying, "where did the day go?"

So, I worked on a summer schedule for us. That way, I manage to fit in fun, housework, and some schoolwork practice. Otherwise, we'll have fun all the time, the house will go to pot, and before I know it, the summer will be over and they will have forgotten everything they learned last year.

We didn't do the schedule last week, just kind of let them have the first week off of school to relax. Then Monday, all the kids had spent the night at their grandmas' houses, so that sort of ruined that day's schedule. But, yesterday, I got busy. I was pleased that things seemed to get done and wondered why I hadn't done this before. I think my problem is that I get stuck on one thing. For example, I will sit down at this glowing screen and get mesmerized and end up surfing the web for half the day. Or, like yesterday, I had scheduled some time for scrapbooking, but I needed to dig out my scrapbooking desk first. I had been throwing stuff on it for weeks and it was a mound of report card, pictures, school artwork, etc. I had an alloted amount of time and it wasn't enough. I had nearly finished, but it was time to move on to something else. So, with great reluctance, I didn't finish the task, I went on to the next item on the schedule. I had to think on my feet a couple of times and rearrange some things (like can't take a shower BEFORE the gardening), but in the end it all worked out.



We took a walk to the little park down the street. Chris won't take the kids there. It doesn't have any equipment, but it's got a large pond and a walking path and lots of ducks to feed. But, it has a big sign out front that says it's for members of the homeowners association only. Well, I disregard this. The only person who could possibly know that I am NOT a member of the homeowners association would be the president and what are the odds that I will run into said president. We have been there maybe five times and only once have I seen another person in the park. What's the worst that could happen? They could tell me to leave? Oh well. Plus, I perform a community service--the kids and I pick up trash when we walk in the park. If that doesn't earn me the right to walk there.... I got a dirty look from one of the neighbors, but I shrugged it off. Later in the day, Billy (well, more me than Billy) planted a garden. The girls helped, but they will be making their own gardens in the coming weeks. Billy's was flowers, Kimmy's will be fruits and veggies, and Arrena's will be cacti.



Today, our schedule was thwarted by the library not opening as early as I had thought, and the YMCA's pool schedule not meshing with my schedule. So, we ended up throwing out the schedule. I worked out at the YMCA, then we went to the library. We went home then, but later came back to the library (they had a live Radio Disney event going on) and then to the pool at the Y. Billy doesn't like the pool too much and just hung around my neck like an albatross the whole time we were there. Then he wanted to go because he insisted he had to "go" bad. No matter that he had on a swim diaper and never worries about "going" in a diaper any other time. Tonight, we went to get ice cream and I had just changed him out of his big boy underwear into a diaper before we left and he stopped in the middle of the ice cream to look down his shorts. After a brief comment by him, I deduced that he felt the urge to "go" and was making sure that he had a diaper on so he could go ahead and relieve himself without interruption to his ice cream feast. {me rolling my eyes} Anyways, I sat down this afternoon and REWROTE my schedule to accommodate the library and the YMCA's hours of operation. Hopefully this schedule will work! I had such a sense of accomplishment yesterday!

Speaking of schedules, I got a new one at work yesterday! We have been dreading this for a couple of months, with a "redo", etc. But, I was happy to find that I had been awarded my 5th choice schedule (they recommended marking down hundreds of choices!), which is not much different than my hours now, but I now get Saturday and Sunday off! YAY! And my new supervisor, in my experience, is the nicest supervisor in the whole plant. So, I must say that I am satisfied!

Summer's Here

I can't believe that today is the last day of school! Where did the year go? It seems like it was just last week that I was dropping the girls off for their first days of kindergarten and first grade and now the year is over. For some reason, it is easier for me to accept Arrena getting older than for Kimmy. Maybe because Arrena always acts so grown up anyways and Kimmy has always been my baby girl. It seems the older I get, the faster time flies. It makes me really sad sometimes when it seems like a year is gone in just a blink of an eye. The things I mean to do and the things I want to get done--and then the moment is gone. You turn around and your children are growing up on you. It makes me sad because I realize that 15 years will fly by before I know it (15 blinks) and Billy will be 18 and my last child will be gone from the nest. 15 years seems so long, in theory, but it seems it goes faster and faster. I was groaning about having all the children around, driving me crazy all summer, but with the knowledge that our time together is quickly passing, I find myself wanting to make it memorable and enjoy them instead of dreading the sibling rivalry and fights.