Happy Birthday in Heaven

My husband wonders why I am focusing on what would have been my dad's 70th birthday today.  It's not that I don't think of him every year on his birthday or on the day he died and other times, but I mentioned it because it would have been a big birthday.  Maybe it's the numbers.  So many to mark the passage of time that seemed like it flew by so quickly.

This year is my 20th high school reunion.  And, if I had stayed married to my first husband, we would have been married 20 years this year.  I remember thinking that 20th anniversaries were a big deal and was such a long time.  But, now, it doesn't feel so long.  I feel like high school was yesterday.  Twenty years ago, my dad was 50 and my grandpa was getting ready to turn 70.  I remember my grandma writing to me and asking if I could believe that "that young man" was turning 70.  But, today, if my dad were still alive, HE would be 70.  And if my grandpa were still alive, HE would be 90 next year.  I'll be 40 next year.  My mom will be 70 in a couple of years and my grandma will be 90 in three.  40 used to seem so old, until I started staring down the barrel of it.  70 was the age of my grandparents, now it's my parents.  90 years was an amazing length of time for someone to have made it to, but my grandma is so strong and vibrant that 90 seems incongruous.

It's all perspective, I suppose.  My kids think I'm ancient and I don't feel that way (well, in some ways I do, but otherwise, I feel like it hasn't been that long since I was their age).  I thought 70 was near death when I was young, but I don't think of my mom that way now.  94 was how old my great-grandmother was when she died and she always seemed so frail, but now that my grandmother is nearing that decade, it seems completely different for her.  Maybe it's that my former perceptions are not matching with my current reality that is making me focus on it a bit more.

In any case, it's not depression that's causing me to fixate, it's the numbers: 20, 40, 70, and 90.

Summer's Here

I can't believe that today is the last day of school! Where did the year go? It seems like it was just last week that I was dropping the girls off for their first days of kindergarten and first grade and now the year is over. For some reason, it is easier for me to accept Arrena getting older than for Kimmy. Maybe because Arrena always acts so grown up anyways and Kimmy has always been my baby girl. It seems the older I get, the faster time flies. It makes me really sad sometimes when it seems like a year is gone in just a blink of an eye. The things I mean to do and the things I want to get done--and then the moment is gone. You turn around and your children are growing up on you. It makes me sad because I realize that 15 years will fly by before I know it (15 blinks) and Billy will be 18 and my last child will be gone from the nest. 15 years seems so long, in theory, but it seems it goes faster and faster. I was groaning about having all the children around, driving me crazy all summer, but with the knowledge that our time together is quickly passing, I find myself wanting to make it memorable and enjoy them instead of dreading the sibling rivalry and fights.