Hi-ho, Hi-ho, It's Off to Work I Go?

Well, I believe I previously reported that I would be able to be a stay-at-home mom. I should have said that my husband believed this to be the case. I was skeptical, but since that is what I really wanted, I was willing to see how it played out. But, as it turns out, there is more expense than there is income.

We worked out a budget and found that, indeed, we are in the red. We were able to stay afloat this long due to some money my new husband had set back, but that can only hold out so far. It would be okay if I was actually getting some child support from my ex-husband (but I am not) and if Billy's preschool wasn't $500 a month. So we began to think that maybe I could just go to work temporarily to make up the difference until Billy is out of preschool and I start getting child support.

I had previously looked into and tested to work for the census bureau. I called the local census office and found it would be easier to retest than for them to try to find my old test in another state and under my former name. So, I went down to city hall and took the test. Turned out that I scored a 27 out of 28. The examiner advised me to take the management test. He told our group that the higher the score, the sooner you would be called for a job. I was hesitant to seek a management position, but figured it couldn't hurt to have options. I took the management test and scored a 24 out of 29. I don't know if that is good or not. I have been waiting for a call with news of a job offer. It's been a couple of weeks and still no word.

Meanwhile, we found out that Scott's work schedule will be changing. A few months back, his company (MAST Ambulance) was swallowed up into the city's fire department, or are in the process of making this changeover. They are now trying to make them adopt firefighters' schedules. This will mean that he won't have regular days off: his days off will alternate. We REALLY don't like this. He's put in nine years there and earned his weekends off, but now he's going to end up missing every other Sunday at church. This back and forth schedule makes it nearly impossible for me to have a job, since Scott is my only source of childcare, unless I work very limited hours while the kids are at school. And with summer coming up and there being NO school, that's even worse. So now we are looking more and more into me working from home, i.e., Amazon selling, etc. And of course praying for God to provide a way through all of this.

Thanksgiving 2009

My thankfulness post may be a long one because I have so much to be thankful for.

First and foremost I am thankful that God sent His Son to die for me and took the punishment for my sin upon himself so that I may have an eternal home in Heaven. Words can’t describe how wonderful that gift is. All pales in comparison.

I am thankful for my children. Only one of them was a planned pregnancy, but God sent the other two to me at special times in my life when I needed them. They are each unique and special and enrich my life. Though they often frustrate me and make me angry, I cannot imagine a life without them in it. I feel as though they are my entire purpose on this earth. I am grateful for their good health as my heart breaks to see parents lose children in death. I appreciate Arrena’s responsibility and willingness to help even when not asked. I appreciate Kimmy’s sense of humor and her intelligence. I appreciate Billy’s bond with me and his observation skills. I am thankful for the privilege of having them lent to my care for a short time and pray that I will not waste the opportunity and that they will grow up to be all God has planned for them.

I am thankful for my family. I love my mom and am so very grateful for her care for me. She has really gone above and beyond this year, allowing me and the kids to live with her for a time, loaning me her only vehicle, lending me money, and generally being there for me. She is (again) making me a wedding dress. She and I may not always see eye to eye but she is always there for me. I remember one night this year in particular when I called her, bawling my eyes out and she talked to me and calmed me down and gave me direction to get through the problem. I am thankful that my mother raised me the way that she did, that she taught me God’s Word, kept me in church, taught me to read, was a stay-at-home mom in my early years, etc. I am thankful for all the rest of my family. I have many loving members of my family that I am proud to say I am related to. I am thankful that God answered prayers this year for my grandpa’s health. I feared he wouldn’t see another Christmas, but he is still with us.

I am thankful for God’s financial provisions. This last year has been a very hard one, in many ways, but especially financially. I hadn’t planned on being a single parent. I had actually wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and my husband had agreed. So I didn’t go to school and learn a high-paying skill. I eventually went to work part-time to try to pay down some debt, which never seemed to go away. When I found myself parenting alone, the part-time pay was fine as long as we lived simply and had child support money coming in. But when the kids’ dad lost his job, he stopped paying. I tried to go full-time, but any extra I made went to paying for childcare for me to go to work, so it made no sense and helped us not at all. I also had to pay for health insurance. And then work started cutting my hours even further. Sometimes I was only bringing in about $650 a month. My rent alone was $575. How do you support 3 kids on that? My ex and I had also been supporting his missionary foster parents with $50 a month and I knew I had to keep that going because they depended on their support to live. God also burdened me to pledge $10 a month to our faith promise missions at church, in addition to my 10% tithe. $10 doesn’t sound like a lot, but it was to us. I had no idea how I could afford all of this. But I read Luke 6:38-- “Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” and Malachi 3:10-- “ ‘Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house, and try me now in this,’ says the LORD of hosts, ‘If I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it.’ ” And God’s Word is true.

Early on in this divorce/separation, I was staying at my mom’s and I had nothing to my name. I had no car, no money, and it was not payday week for me. I ran out of foundation make-up and conditioner. No big deal in the grand scheme of things and not something I would complain about. Who cares about makeup when your life is in a shambles and I’d just have to live with brushing tangles out of my hair the hard way. But then there was a knock on the door. I was tempted to not answer it, as it wasn’t my house, but I did and found a group of women in the yard and on the porch. They handed me a heavy gift bag and invited me to a “Friend Day” at their church (which, in a twist of fate, was the old building of my old church, where I “grew up”) where they give away clothing and canned food and free medical screenings. I thanked them and went inside. When I opened the bag, I found it was full of cosmetics, including foundation (and in my skin shade!), and some hair care products--no shampoo, but a bottle of conditioner! Tears sprang to my eyes and I knew that if God would take care of little details like conditioner and makeup, He would handle my needs as well. My little insignificant details were important to God. Wow! And when times were tight, God always provided. It doesn’t make sense, the numbers don’t add up, but at the end of the month, I always had enough. I paid my bills and gave to the church and the missionaries. It was always there. Sometimes it was interesting how God provided. I had to swallow my pride many times. I had to go on food stamps and go to a clothes closet and a few food pantries, which I loathed doing and was so ashamed of, but I came to see it as God’s provision. Twice, the kids’ dad came up with some money when I needed it. And when Scott came along, he sent me a check for $500 to help me out. I resisted because I didn’t want to take charity or owe him anything. But I prayed and asked God to provide another way, but if not, I would know that Scott’s money was meant to be God’s provision. I had seen too much for too many months to doubt that God would provide. It became a matter of “how” not “if.” God provided no other money that month, so I swallowed my pride yet again and cashed Scott’s check.

And now, I am pleased to find that God has placed me in a sound financial situation. Scott makes good money, enough to where we feel like I will probably not have to work and will be able to be a stay-at-home mom like I always wanted. I am thankful that he had some inheritance money built up so that he has been able to accommodate us and our needs. He has been paying for my lawyer and bought many things to make us more comfortable in this house and make it home for me and the kids. And he was able to pay for a new addition on his home to give us more room. Construction started a couple of weeks ago. While money doesn’t buy love, the practical side of me had that aspect on my list for a potential husband: financially responsible and secure. I am ever thankful for how God has provided for us this year and I trust that He will in the coming years.

I am thankful for encouragement from God, which has come in many forms. Song lyrics are an obvious choice and I won’t go into all of the ones that have spoken to me as you can read them here in this blog. Scripture verses that I find at timely junctures in my life are another encouragement. Today I was reading Psalm 37 and found it very soothing for what is occurring in my life at this moment. I may blog that one, it’s so good. It was mentioned in my Sunday school class last week, which causes me to believe it was not accidental, but a seed planted for me to harvest in my mind later as the week’s troubles unfolded. Once when I went to one of the food pantries, I got home and was unpacking the food items. At the bottom of the large sack was a random bottle of conditioner! I felt like it was God's little love note to me, His reminder of how He provides for me! sort of a, "Don't forget, Robin, I will even provide you with conditioner!" There have even been times when I feel like God is revealing a truth to my heart, such as Jesus dying for me PERSONALLY, not just as part of the collective world, or about my feeling condemned and like a failure because of my sin, or about there being something greater in life than my personal struggles, or feeling that God is with me in the midst of fiery trials and that He is in control of it all and has my best interest in mind. Knowing that He is ultimately in charge, not any judges in a courtroom or whoever, and that He will ultimately work things out for MY good! There have been some instances where I felt encouraged by being able to get back in touch with friends I hadn’t talked to in a long time. One day, a woman walked through the YMCA locker room singing a hymn that fit the need in my life at that particular moment. I saw a note on a piece of mail at work that had the words to a hymn and the phrase "If you can't see past earth's shadow, look to Jesus and his light!" There are times when a specific word or phrase or verse comes into my heart at the precise right time. There have been times when I have felt like God has literally caused me to stop what I am doing and come to Him in prayer, pouring my heart out. Once I truly felt pushed to the ground and held there. I needed to stop and rest and receive peace and comfort and I did. In the courtroom, I felt like Jesus was there, holding my hand, and in my mind I imagined reaching my arms up to my Father to hold me like a child and was calmed by the thought. The list could go on extensively.

I am also thankful for my future mother-in-law, whom I not only like, but truly love to death. She is a sweet, wonderful lady. It’s very nice to have a mother-in-law that you like because I have had the other kind and it ain’t pretty! I have gotten along well with Sue since we met over 16 years ago and even continued to write her after Scott and I broke up back then. Whenever she wrote back, she was sensitive to my feelings and never mentioned Scott to me, which I was always amazed at. She prays for us and encourages me often. She has welcomed me and the kids into the family with open arms and as though we were not tainted by divorce and remarriage and step-parenting, etc. She treats us as her own. I love her as a mother-in-law, but also as a friend. And she babysits too! ;)

Finally (I think), I am thankful for Scott. I am thankful that he never stopped loving me in 16 years. That’s so amazing to me that I can’t comprehend it. I am thankful for how he treats me. It is radically different than what I have experienced and it feels nice to be put on a pedestal. He accepts me with all my faults and some of what I thought would be deal-breakers, he actually finds endearing! What’s wrong with him? Ha, ha. I am thankful that even though I tried to scare him off, he wouldn’t run. I am continually amazed at how eager he was to take on all my baggage, because, let’s face it, there is a LOT of it. I am thankful that he has not only accepted my kids but actually loves them and treats them very well. I am thankful that he is willing to help me parent and does such a great job with Billy--better than I do even. I am thankful that he is generous and was willing to give up his money to buy trampolines and swingsets and tickets to Hannah Montana concerts and pay for preschool and a lawyer and to add on to his house, among many, many other things. I am thankful that he wants to go Christmas shopping for the kids with me, even if that caused a minor misunderstanding. ;) I am thankful that he is so even-tempered and doesn’t get mad often and when he does, his reaction is to become quiet. I am thankful that he is willing to help me with chores around the house. I am thankful that he agrees with me not working. I am thankful that he brings me flowers. I am thankful that he listens to me and remembers what I say. I am thankful that he searched for and found a replacement for something that had been very important to me. I am thankful that he went to Jared's (ha, ha)! I am thankful that we have a lot in common. I am thankful that he is an encouragement to me. I am thankful that he gave up his brand new SUV for me to drive while he drives his old pickup truck to work. It’s a minor thing, but I am glad that he likes to decorate for Christmas. There are so many things that I appreciate about him that I would be here the rest of the day if I were to list them out. I’m not delusional, it’s not all a bed of roses, and there are things about him that drive me nuts, but I appreciate him more than I can say. More than anything I appreciate how he was there to catch us when we fell. God worked it out so that he was there at the right time to be able to take us in and care for us when we had nowhere else to go. I can never thank him enough for willingly walking into our nightmare and accepting all that came with it. I love you, honey.

I’m sure if I sat here the rest of the day, I could think of many more things to be thankful for. But I will leave it at that.

And while I am not thankful FOR the situation that I am in now, I am thankful while I am IN this situation (I Thessalonians 5:18-- “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”). Romans 8 says that God will work it all out for my good and to conform me to the image of Jesus Christ. The ultimate goal is to be more like Christ. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow!

My Ambitions

I have been thinking about what I want to do when Billy starts school in two years. If the way time has been flying by lately is any indication, those two years will be gone before I know it. I had thought I might change my work schedule and work during the day and be home at night, but decided against that. First there's the practical reasons--what if one or all of the kids get sick, what about inservice days/holidays/summer, and what about helping out in the classroom? But, then there's also the selfish reasons--think of all the things I can be doing with my free time! At first, I was only thinking about being able to keep the house clean, lounge around and watch what I want on TV, work on my scrapbooking, and going to the store and other random errands by myself. And I was also looking forward to using that free time to be able to volunteer somehow. I'm not sure yet in what capacity, but I really want to help others in some way, whether it's serving lunch at the Lord's Diner or folding clothes at His Helping Hands or visiting at a nursing home or being a slightly older candy striper at a hospital. And I have often thought I would work on completing my degree. But, the other day, I decided that there are also some other things I would like to do. I want to take some "frivolous" classes. Some of these things may seem off-the-wall, even to those of you who know me well. I might like to continue my piano lessons, for example. I only took six months when I was in grade school--not even enough for one piano recital. It was enough to teach me to read music and that was about it. Or, I was thinking about taking guitar lessons. I could find a guitar at a pawn shop and learn enough just to putter around with. And as long as I am thinking about music, I have often thought of taking voice lessons. I love to sing--I can barely stand to just LISTEN to music--I feel compelled to sing along! It would be nice to improve my voice. Not that I plan on launching a professional music career, but it would be nice for me. Chris and I have talked about taking dance classes. Shhh...don't tell anyone that he said that--it might ruin his reputation! We thought it might be a fun activity for us to do together and possibly foster a little romance. I love dancing, but I am so clumsy and uncoordinated. But, it might be fun! I'd also like to take some computer courses. I know an average amount about computers, but I'd like to know more, especially HTML. And finally (so far), I think I might take some writing courses, as I'd like to eventually list my occupation as "writer." This blog is good practice, but I think some writing courses would be good for me as well. Maybe I will tackle one of these endeavors per school year. The only trouble is deciding which I want to do first--they all sound fun! Oh well, at lease I have two more years to decide.

Scheduling, AKA, What We've Been Up To

I've never been a structured, schedule-oriented person. I don't like being confined. I want to do what I want, when I want. I might have a few things I want to get done in a given day, but I also like to get a wild hair and decide I need to run to the craft store for mirror pieces or to WalMart for material, etc. But, my children seem to fare better with structure. Especially Arrena. She likes life ordered and scheduled. She wants to know what we will do next and next after that and next after that and tomorrow and the next day, etc. I believe she would plan out her entire life, including her demise. And she's seven! I know I should be more scheduled--I'd get more done, instead of saying, "where did the day go?"

So, I worked on a summer schedule for us. That way, I manage to fit in fun, housework, and some schoolwork practice. Otherwise, we'll have fun all the time, the house will go to pot, and before I know it, the summer will be over and they will have forgotten everything they learned last year.

We didn't do the schedule last week, just kind of let them have the first week off of school to relax. Then Monday, all the kids had spent the night at their grandmas' houses, so that sort of ruined that day's schedule. But, yesterday, I got busy. I was pleased that things seemed to get done and wondered why I hadn't done this before. I think my problem is that I get stuck on one thing. For example, I will sit down at this glowing screen and get mesmerized and end up surfing the web for half the day. Or, like yesterday, I had scheduled some time for scrapbooking, but I needed to dig out my scrapbooking desk first. I had been throwing stuff on it for weeks and it was a mound of report card, pictures, school artwork, etc. I had an alloted amount of time and it wasn't enough. I had nearly finished, but it was time to move on to something else. So, with great reluctance, I didn't finish the task, I went on to the next item on the schedule. I had to think on my feet a couple of times and rearrange some things (like can't take a shower BEFORE the gardening), but in the end it all worked out.



We took a walk to the little park down the street. Chris won't take the kids there. It doesn't have any equipment, but it's got a large pond and a walking path and lots of ducks to feed. But, it has a big sign out front that says it's for members of the homeowners association only. Well, I disregard this. The only person who could possibly know that I am NOT a member of the homeowners association would be the president and what are the odds that I will run into said president. We have been there maybe five times and only once have I seen another person in the park. What's the worst that could happen? They could tell me to leave? Oh well. Plus, I perform a community service--the kids and I pick up trash when we walk in the park. If that doesn't earn me the right to walk there.... I got a dirty look from one of the neighbors, but I shrugged it off. Later in the day, Billy (well, more me than Billy) planted a garden. The girls helped, but they will be making their own gardens in the coming weeks. Billy's was flowers, Kimmy's will be fruits and veggies, and Arrena's will be cacti.



Today, our schedule was thwarted by the library not opening as early as I had thought, and the YMCA's pool schedule not meshing with my schedule. So, we ended up throwing out the schedule. I worked out at the YMCA, then we went to the library. We went home then, but later came back to the library (they had a live Radio Disney event going on) and then to the pool at the Y. Billy doesn't like the pool too much and just hung around my neck like an albatross the whole time we were there. Then he wanted to go because he insisted he had to "go" bad. No matter that he had on a swim diaper and never worries about "going" in a diaper any other time. Tonight, we went to get ice cream and I had just changed him out of his big boy underwear into a diaper before we left and he stopped in the middle of the ice cream to look down his shorts. After a brief comment by him, I deduced that he felt the urge to "go" and was making sure that he had a diaper on so he could go ahead and relieve himself without interruption to his ice cream feast. {me rolling my eyes} Anyways, I sat down this afternoon and REWROTE my schedule to accommodate the library and the YMCA's hours of operation. Hopefully this schedule will work! I had such a sense of accomplishment yesterday!

Speaking of schedules, I got a new one at work yesterday! We have been dreading this for a couple of months, with a "redo", etc. But, I was happy to find that I had been awarded my 5th choice schedule (they recommended marking down hundreds of choices!), which is not much different than my hours now, but I now get Saturday and Sunday off! YAY! And my new supervisor, in my experience, is the nicest supervisor in the whole plant. So, I must say that I am satisfied!