The Processional and the Funeral

I was feeling a lot of pressure to make decisions because they wanted to arrange a processional with KCFD.  I knew I wanted to take him to Wichita to be buried because I wanted to work with Jayde and Isidro at Lakeview Funeral Home since we knew them from Sue's funeral 6 1/2 months before (yes, Scott's mom died 6 months before he did).  Tara started arranging and got approval for an ambulance to take him to Wichita.  I called Lakeview and asked for Jayde.  She called back quickly and I got her and Tara connected to make arrangements.  Since we weren't embalming him in KC, we needed to go the next day (Monday).  I felt so nauseous that it was moving so fast.  Kimberly (my younger daughter) called me to tell me she thought I should sell the house and move back to Wichita.  Monday, Jessica showed up at my house wearing a mask just to hug me, then we met a slew of people at Research.  I wasn't able to watch, but the color guard draped him with a flag and they loaded him into the ambulance.  We followed the ambulance and a chief's vehicle with members of dispatch followed us.  Tara was supposed to be in the ambulance but one of the chiefs ordered Tara to stand down after she'd tried to get one of the dispatchers removed from the procession.  She had previously filed a grievance against Scott for "racial comments".  It was all bull but it made me angry that she was there and Tara wouldn't be.  I was tempted to make a fuss, but I knew everything they were doing was a courtesy.  We listened to his final call on a radio.  So we headed out with his coworkers driving the ambulance.  We went to Eastwood (dispatch), seeing fire trucks along the way, firemen out saluting.  At dispatch, there were so many apparatus' and firemen and EMS out saluting.  Arrena drove so I could video it all. Then we headed to 33s, since that was his old station, before we got on the highway.  Through most of the route, we saw fire trucks and ambulances on overpasses with their crews out saluting in the rain.  It was very moving, especially when one small town had a sign that said, "In honor of Scott Davidson."  I was told that a lot of the rural ones were volunteer and they still chose to do this on their own time.  Kimberly texted me to ask if I had a spare laptop because hers was acting up: "This might not be the right time to ask" and "have as good a day as it can be."  When we got to Emporia, the ambulance needed refueling, so we all stopped.  Emporia FD chief came over and gave me his card and a coin.  Stephanie said they'd been talking to Scott the whole way, saying, "Look at all these people who showed up for you."  Emporia FD blocked the road while we got back on the highway.  Sometimes we had a police or highway patrol escort and sometimes we didn't.  Arrena was about run off the road by a pickup and the chief behind us turned on his siren.  When we got to El Dorado, we turned off on highway 254, which surprised me because it's easier to get to the funeral home from K-96.  A friend of his mother's texted me that they'd said on the news that we'd be going through Andover.  There was news and fire trucks at Andover.  We'd also seen a few Sherriff's vehicles out too.  When we got on K-96, it was out west by the zoo.  My mom called to see where we were and we were all puzzled.  Mom was at Lakeview, waiting to see us all.  I tried calling Stephanie but got her voicemail.  It soon became apparent that we were going to Resthaven, on the opposite side of town.  They'd obviously planned it because Wichita FD and color guard were there already.  We stayed in the van while they unloaded him and the dispatchers stood watch.  I was angry that that woman was closer to my husband, but nothing I could do about it.  Jayde was there and said they prepare the body at Resthaven and apologized that we hadn't known.  Then the ambulance and chief's vehicle headed back to KC and we went to check into our hotel.  We spent the next few days making arrangements.  I wrote the obituary because I wanted it to tell who he was, not just the basic statistics and also for him I would write, even though I haven't been creative in a long time.  We tried to find a place to get rapid testing to be sure we were negative for Covid.  My mom was afraid to be around us and for the funeral, I wanted to be sure we were negative.  We found a place that cost us $150 each, but we made appointments for Wednesday and they did come back negative.  So we went to see my mom.  Arrena's boyfriend drove her car up.  Thursday we had Thanksgiving with my brother and my mom.  I hadn't been eating much and lost a pound.  It was also her birthday, but I'd already sent her gift, not knowing we'd be in town at the time.  I really dreaded Friday when we would have a private viewing and then the public visitation.  That would make it real.  I couldn't turn back from there.  I kept waiting for someone to tell me there had been a mistake and he was ok.  I really didn't want to go.  But he was there and he wasn't ok.  My best friend, my biggest supporter, my rock, my hero, the one I never deserved was dead and my heart was broken.  I wept.  I cried over his body and touched him and kissed his cheek like I had wanted to that night, until the tears ran out.  I was so dehydrated all week from crying.  We looked at all the flowers--there were some from KC's mayor and the city manager.  We decorated grandma and grandpa's grave and also Sue's and Scott's grandparents'.  A couple of people came early.  We left later than we meant to, but we hurried to get some Chick-fil-A and drop Billy and Paul off at my mom's house.  Then we headed back for the visitation.  My friend Katina stayed there the whole three hours.  My best friend Kimberly had been in town for Thanksgiving and they stayed an extra day to come.  My friend Sheri came too.  The color guard stood watch  and changed out every 8 minutes.  Tara had come and brought flower arrangements from the union and the fire department.  Several members of KCFD were there and they'd brought an ambulance down for the funeral.  I'd recommended our hotel because it was between the cemetery and the church.  I'd chosen it accidentally, thinking it was one we'd stayed at before.  Two by two, the KCFD personnel came to give me condolences.  One chief sat down next to me and asked me how they'd managed to get that smirk on his face because he said Scott had had that smirk the entire time he knew him.  I was glad he saw it and commented on it because I felt like he was smirking too.  I said it was because the Chiefs beat the Raiders Sunday night in a nailbiter.  I'd been giving Isidro, a Raiders' fan, a hard time about it and got him to admit that he was glad they won for Scott.  As we were leaving, I got choked up watching the last color guard salute him.  The 3 hours seemed to fly by but my neck and shoulders were so sore.  Some old friends brought up dinner at my mom's house.  When we got back to the hotel, it seemed strange to see the KCFD ambulance parked out front.  Just a few minutes later, Jessica sent me a picture of the ambulance.  I ran outside barefoot, looking for her.  I asked where she was and she replied "Wichita" and I replied that she was at my hotel.  We were all crowded into room 116 and they were in 119, so I went over to hug my friend.  I hadn't really thought they would come, but I was so glad my best friend was there for me.  Saturday I dreaded too because afterward it would all be over and everyone would go back to their lives but I'd be stuck in my grief.  We had to get going early because Pastor Riffee had wanted a morning service to allow time to disinfect before Sunday services.  Arrena and I had decided to dress in Chiefs' gear to match Scott (we buried him in his Chiefs' Superbowl shirt).  THE Fire Chief, Donna Lake, had come down for the funeral along with several other chiefs.  Tara introduced me to all of them.  The honor guard was on again.  The service was beautiful.  The songs I chose all made me weep.  Tara spoke on behalf of the union and the fire department and as a friend and presented Arrena and Billy with coins from the fire department (Kimberly didn't come because she was afraid of Corona) and me with a medal for Scott.  Pastor Riffee preached a salvation message that at last count, over 800 people watched on the livestream.  I was glad the livestream went outside because I spent some time with him after everyone left and wept and touched him and kissed his cheek.  When I was ready (would I ever really be ready) they closed the casket and draped the flag over it and wheeled him out into the windy day.  Color guard stood watch and they played the bagpipes (and drums) while they put him in the hearse.  We followed the hearse, the ambulance followed us, and all the chiefs' vehicles followed behind.  The livestream resumed after we got there, as they unloaded him to the bagpipes and color guard again.  I followed after and we had a short entombment service.  All of the chiefs came by to give their condolences and the color guard folded the flag and gave it to KCFD, who presented it to me.  They played Amazing Grace on the bagpipes, which always gets me.  My friends came and hugged me, then everyone left but me, the kids, mom and my brother, and Pastor and Mrs. Riffee.  Isidro gave me a Chiefs' helmet magnet that I placed on his casket over a scratch, like a bumper sticker.  Then they struggled to get him situated in the "couch" mausoleum I chose.  I could have had him buried near his mother and grandparents but I wanted him inside.  The mausoleum has room for me and we'll be side by side, which is why they call it a couch.  We stayed as they sealed it up and put the marble face back on.  Then we went to his mother's friend's for lunch.  After that, Billy and I went to mom's and Arrena and her boyfriend went to visit her dad.  Billy hadn't wanted to stay with grandma like he usually does.  At first he said the house was haunted.  Then he said he just wanted to stay with me.  Arrena said he finally cried at the funeral.  He told me he was going to get a job to pay bills.  Sunday morning we went to church with mom, where I was angered by people not wearing masks.  We ate lunch and then left to go back to KC.  It's been a lot of paperwork ever since.  Arrena asked if she could move back in to help out.  When she's not here, just me and Billy make the house feel so empty.  She's been cleaning and organizing the house for me while I sit and do paperwork or just scroll through Facebook.  My therapist said when someone dies people wish the whole world would stop.  For me, it kind of did with all the publicity (the mayor holding a press conference and the governor ordering flags to be half-mast).  The hard part is when everything goes back to normal.  The words of the songs from the funeral keep playing in my head.  I'm ok most of the time, but sometimes I lose it.  Usually in the shower or at bedtime.  I know I'll see him again, I know where he is, but I mourn for my loss on earth.  I don't know if it's ok with God, but I talk to him sometimes--"See? I'm doing my self-care."  Or I was telling him how the mayor and the governor have made speeches about him and that the Fire Chief came to his funeral.  Then it dawned on me that he doesn't care.  He's with God the Father and Jesus--who cares about earthly big wigs?  The Lt. Governor sent us a card about "perpetual adoration society" for Scott.  We asked Arrena's friend and she said it meant they were praying for him all the time to honor him.  I miss him so much.  And I don't know how to finish raising Billy without him.  Billy had two meltdowns in the hotel before Arrena's boyfriend came and Arrena and I could barely contain him.  She got a bruise from being punched in the jaw.  My aunt said we (plus my mom) should travel and finish seeing the 50 states.  That gives me something to look forward to.  I've been thinking about taking the kids on a cruise too, since we loved going so much.

Decisions, Decisions

I really hate making decisions.

You thought I was going to say more, didn't you?  Fooled you.

Well, not really.

So, currently, my husband and I have been pondering some decisions about our family.  Off and on, we talk about moving.  My husband is a partial owner (with his mom and his two aunts) of his family's farm.  A couple of years back, he and I went out there for a Czech celebration in the town and looked through the museum that contained a lot of his family's history and I was able to see the two properties that make up the farm.  His grandfather sold off the piece of land that contained the farmhouse, but a neighbor continues to farm the land for them.  At the time we were out to visit, the current occupants of the farmhouse were trying to sell the house and move out of state.  We started talking then about what it would be like to move out to the old farmhouse.  At that time, it was sort of a "what if" or "wouldn't it be nice" or "someday" kind of discussion.  We tabled it and moved on.  At the time, the kids weren't totally opposed to it when they heard that they might be able to have a horse or other farm animals.

There are several reasons why this topic has come back up lately.  For one, we know that my husband cannot continue to be a metropolitan paramedic until retirement.  The job is hard on the body and we can't conceive of him jumping in and out of an ambulance and running around and lifting patients, etc. when he is 60+. So, we began to think of other options.  He could use the bridge program to become a nurse, but that will be time and cost intensive.  The other idea was to move to the country and be a rural EMS worker because there would be a lot less activity than he gets in an average day in the big city of Kansas City, Missouri.

The other reason this has come up is because of the issues we have been having with the children.  Would it be more beneficial to them to move out to the country and to attend a smaller rural school?  Would I worry about them less if the "village" helps to look after them?  I know that they can get into just as much trouble in the country or a small town as in a large city, but I think I could give them more freedom, there would be less dangers, life would be slower, secrets would not stay secret, etc.  Would peace and quiet and a slower lifestyle be beneficial to Billy?  Would the girls have more opportunities to have close friends while I can know their parents, giving them more opportunities to spend time with friends?  Would a simpler, quieter life force us to spend more time on the most important things: God, family, and friends?  There are days when I very much envy the lifestyle of the Amish.  I know that's idealistic because I seriously doubt I would enjoy cooking all day from scratch, the cleaning, the sewing, the gardening, all the hard work.  But, I sometimes regret the technology we have and long for the simpler life.

Another reason may be selfish, but as the old saying goes, "if mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"  Granted, I have never been a country girl.  I embrace a lot of country girl ideals, but the fact of the matter is that I was born in the city and have lived in the city or suburbs all my life.  I don't know any other way.  That made me wary, at first.  Could I cope with being far away from the nearest store, mall, or fast food restaurant?  I like convenience.  I like being able to run somewhere "real quick."  I hate having to drive too far to find what I am looking for.  I am a forgetful person and I have lost count of how many times I have gone grocery shopping, only to realize I have forgotten items and had to make a return trip.  And while I have previously been a go-getter with plenty of energy, I am getting older and have gained weight and have plenty of aches and pains.  I no longer have the energy I did.  I am trying to lose weight to regain the energy, but my fear is that it is gone forever.  I do not like hard labor.  I am tired.

But, because I am tired, I sometimes long for the peace and quiet of a rural setting.  I have been recently grappling with the idea that I am seriously screwed up.  I joke about being crazy, but the truth is that I have some very real mental and emotional issues.  Some days, I find the world so overwhelming, I want to retreat.  While isolation may seem depressive and the wrong way to deal with things, I am beginning to think that it is the only way I can cope with life and the world.  Some days it is too much to deal with.  Overload is not fun for me.  I am beginning to wonder if some isolation would be beneficial to my mental and emotional health.  Would I be a better wife and mother if I had some measure of peace?

However, the downsides to a possible move are many.  While I don't think that Billy or Kimberly would mind the move terribly much, Arrena has voiced violent opposition to this plan.  She does not want to leave her friends.  Having faced the same situation when I was a teenager, I can totally relate and sympathize.  I was a brat and refused to let my mom move.  However, I have learned that the friends and boyfriends that I was loathe to leave behind are nowhere to be found now.  I am reluctant to move the kids again, though.  They have had enough stress and trauma and moving around in their lives that I would hate to uproot them again and thrust them in a totally new and unfamiliar environment.  I had hoped that this would be our last move and the kids could call Raytown/Kansas City their home forever and would stay at their current schools throughout.  However, they are not the first kids to ever have to move around.  And compared to some, have hardly moved around at all.  My mom's family moved around a lot in search of work.  She attended 13 schools in her lifetime.  Military families do it all the time.  So, I am sure they would survive, though there might be a good measure of pouting for a while.

I also don't want to leave my house.  While I love looking at different houses and imagining dream homes, I am attached to this house.  We added on to this house just 3 years ago and I was able to get everything I wanted in the add-on.  Our bedroom is oversized to allow for a couch and a TV (though sometimes that makes me feel like I am isolating myself from my kids).  We have a jacuzzi tub in the bathroom along with a separate shower stall with dual shower heads.  We had a second washer/drier hookup installed, so we could both keep our washers and driers and be able to wash laundry in half the time.  I was able to pick out the color and the flooring just the way I like it.  I was able to fulfill a lifelong dream of painting a sky/cloud scene on my bedroom wall, which makes my room an extremely peaceful place for me. And even in the rest of the house, I have made some improvements to make it "our home" such as painting Billy's room Spiderman colors, and doing a pink and purple cowgirl theme in the girls' room.  While I know we could remodel and make a new house "our home," I just hate the thought of giving up this space that I and my husband designed just for us.

I also don't relish the thought of leaving my church family or my job.  While I would love to again be a stay-at-home mom or just a photographer on my own terms, I do love my job taking newborn photos at the hospital.

While one of the points in favor of moving would be that the cost of living would be lower and we could better afford our bills, moving in itself is an expensive undertaking.  It costs a lot to be in transition on selling a house, buying a new house, moving from one job to another, moving trucks, trips back and forth, fixing things to make the current house attractive to buyers or fixing things to make the new home livable, etc.

Then there's always the dilemma of WHERE to move.  Is the family farmhouse still available?  If not, would it be silly to move to the area anyway?  Where can Scott find a job?  And what's the distance in relation to where the kids' dad lives because you can't be too close or too far away?  Or what about the distance to our family, who we'd like to visit and have come visit us?  It might be fun to buy his Aunt's trailer in Branson, but would our growing family have enough space in a trailer?  It would be awesome to live right on the lake, but there would be a lot of work to be done to make it livable year-round.  And I'm assuming the cost of living in Branson would be higher due to the tourist industry.

One of my best friends is moving to a small town in northern Kansas and I am mourning that loss.  We even talked about Scott getting a job with the company that hired her husband, brother, and brother-in-law.  But, that would be a total change of job field for Scott, which is a major life change.  And with her sister and brother living nearby, it might be silly of us to follow her when her time will obviously be divided.  The draw for Scott to following them is that the company and the community sounds very faith-based.

The other decision we have been weighing briefly was sending the kids to a Christian school.  I was raised in public schools and did just fine.  Scott spent his whole life in Christian schools, so we have different backgrounds.  And we have different views.  I wrote a paper about this in college, stating in essence, that in a perfect world, the choice of education would be based on each individual child as each child is different and will learn and grow differently in different environments.  However, it isn't necessarily feasible to have one child in public school, one in Christian school, and one being home-schooled.

We started discussing this because of the issues with the children.  Both girls have been breaking the rules and having boyfriends behind our backs, sometimes lying and covering up their deception.  Both girls have been having attitude problems, Kimberly getting into trouble for mouthing off to her teacher.  Billy is obviously struggling at school.  I have been concerned about Arrena's school since I heard there was a rape there during school hours two years ago.  And there is the friend issue.  Arrena believes that Kimberly's friends are bad influences on her and tells us this all the time.  And based on some of the things Kimberly was hearing at school and Google-ing to find out what it meant, I am inclined to agree with her.  Arrena gets so angry when we bring this up, but she told me at one point that her friends were telling her that her mom would never know if she had a boyfriend, so she should just go ahead and have one.  She says not all of her friends said this and it was an isolated incident that we shouldn't judge her friends on.  But, obviously there is some concern about the influence on them.  With all of the difficulties our family has had, we have been seeking a Christian counselor to work with us, that understands our values.  So, the same could be argued about the kids' education.

I am not one that believes sending them to a Christian school will solve all their problems.  I know there are bad kids in private school too.  I also believe that their primary education should come from home because if it isn't taught and modeled at home, there is little the school can do.  The teachers cannot raise our children.  However, I sometimes think it might be nice to have that reinforcement, to have them being taught the Bible in school, to have friends and teachers that share their faith.

One of the downsides, again, is taking them away from what they have grown accustomed to.  Again, I think Kimberly and Billy would do okay with it, but Arrena would fight and struggle with starting over somewhere.  But, it wouldn't be like moving far away.  She could still see her friends, just after school not during school.  The biggest drawback is the cost.  It is so expensive that there is really no way we could afford it.  We could try to get financial aid and I have heard some about getting government funding to be able to choose private education over public education, since, as taxpayers, we pay for the public school system.  But, it would boil down to Scott having to work a LOT of extra shifts, which is hard when his shifts are 24 hours.  Or it would entail him going to school to be a nurse to make more money, which initially costs more money and takes a while to complete.  It seems like it's impossible, but we know that nothing is impossible.

While Arrena totally flew off the handle when she caught wind of some of these decisions, without hearing the reasoning or understanding that it was simply TALKING, not a done deal by far, I know that these things may never come to fruition and if they did would be a while down the road.  We will pray for God's guidance.  If He leads us to move or send the kids to a Christian school, then by all means, we will follow.  But, if the doors remain shut, then it's a non-issue.  My thought at this point would be for Scott to put out some feelers, some resumes, for us to research and look around, be informed and then see what God does!