12-24-2020 Journal Entry, aka First Christmas Without You

Yesterday I went to the funeral home.  Two of the things I ordered for Scott's mausoleum haven't arrived which makes me mad.  Jayde was supposed to meet with me, but she got stuck at Resthaven.  Isidro came and sat on the floor with me in his suit and chatted for quite a while.  We talked about family, depression, death, and being a Christian.  I didn't know he was a Christ follower.  He said through his depression, it moved from head knowledge to heart knowledge.  We also talked about Chiefs and Raiders.  He gave me the paid bills for the funeral that Jayde was going to give me.  I need them for the lawyer to do probate for the house and the van.

Today I spent most of the day at mom's with Billy.  Arrena drove down tonight.  I watched Abundant Life's Christmas Eve service.

I've been teary all day.  The music, watching It's a Wonderful Life on TV, etc.  I've been surreptitiously wiping tears all day.  I think Billy noticed.

Billy said yesterday that I cry all the time and that he hears me.  I said I didn't cry all the time, so he asked why I sleep in Scott's bed.  He's also started saying I'm an alcoholic because he saw rum in the outside fridge.  He said it a few times in front of my mom, who doesn't approve of any alcohol.  I had to take him aside later and explain what an alcoholic is and why I'm not one.

Anyways, here's the first Christmas without Scott.  And I'm already teary and couldn't get in the "Christmas spirit" this year.  Arrena put up her little tree in her room, but I didn't decorate at all.  I felt like putting a black wreath on the door.

The Processional and the Funeral

I was feeling a lot of pressure to make decisions because they wanted to arrange a processional with KCFD.  I knew I wanted to take him to Wichita to be buried because I wanted to work with Jayde and Isidro at Lakeview Funeral Home since we knew them from Sue's funeral 6 1/2 months before (yes, Scott's mom died 6 months before he did).  Tara started arranging and got approval for an ambulance to take him to Wichita.  I called Lakeview and asked for Jayde.  She called back quickly and I got her and Tara connected to make arrangements.  Since we weren't embalming him in KC, we needed to go the next day (Monday).  I felt so nauseous that it was moving so fast.  Kimberly (my younger daughter) called me to tell me she thought I should sell the house and move back to Wichita.  Monday, Jessica showed up at my house wearing a mask just to hug me, then we met a slew of people at Research.  I wasn't able to watch, but the color guard draped him with a flag and they loaded him into the ambulance.  We followed the ambulance and a chief's vehicle with members of dispatch followed us.  Tara was supposed to be in the ambulance but one of the chiefs ordered Tara to stand down after she'd tried to get one of the dispatchers removed from the procession.  She had previously filed a grievance against Scott for "racial comments".  It was all bull but it made me angry that she was there and Tara wouldn't be.  I was tempted to make a fuss, but I knew everything they were doing was a courtesy.  We listened to his final call on a radio.  So we headed out with his coworkers driving the ambulance.  We went to Eastwood (dispatch), seeing fire trucks along the way, firemen out saluting.  At dispatch, there were so many apparatus' and firemen and EMS out saluting.  Arrena drove so I could video it all. Then we headed to 33s, since that was his old station, before we got on the highway.  Through most of the route, we saw fire trucks and ambulances on overpasses with their crews out saluting in the rain.  It was very moving, especially when one small town had a sign that said, "In honor of Scott Davidson."  I was told that a lot of the rural ones were volunteer and they still chose to do this on their own time.  Kimberly texted me to ask if I had a spare laptop because hers was acting up: "This might not be the right time to ask" and "have as good a day as it can be."  When we got to Emporia, the ambulance needed refueling, so we all stopped.  Emporia FD chief came over and gave me his card and a coin.  Stephanie said they'd been talking to Scott the whole way, saying, "Look at all these people who showed up for you."  Emporia FD blocked the road while we got back on the highway.  Sometimes we had a police or highway patrol escort and sometimes we didn't.  Arrena was about run off the road by a pickup and the chief behind us turned on his siren.  When we got to El Dorado, we turned off on highway 254, which surprised me because it's easier to get to the funeral home from K-96.  A friend of his mother's texted me that they'd said on the news that we'd be going through Andover.  There was news and fire trucks at Andover.  We'd also seen a few Sherriff's vehicles out too.  When we got on K-96, it was out west by the zoo.  My mom called to see where we were and we were all puzzled.  Mom was at Lakeview, waiting to see us all.  I tried calling Stephanie but got her voicemail.  It soon became apparent that we were going to Resthaven, on the opposite side of town.  They'd obviously planned it because Wichita FD and color guard were there already.  We stayed in the van while they unloaded him and the dispatchers stood watch.  I was angry that that woman was closer to my husband, but nothing I could do about it.  Jayde was there and said they prepare the body at Resthaven and apologized that we hadn't known.  Then the ambulance and chief's vehicle headed back to KC and we went to check into our hotel.  We spent the next few days making arrangements.  I wrote the obituary because I wanted it to tell who he was, not just the basic statistics and also for him I would write, even though I haven't been creative in a long time.  We tried to find a place to get rapid testing to be sure we were negative for Covid.  My mom was afraid to be around us and for the funeral, I wanted to be sure we were negative.  We found a place that cost us $150 each, but we made appointments for Wednesday and they did come back negative.  So we went to see my mom.  Arrena's boyfriend drove her car up.  Thursday we had Thanksgiving with my brother and my mom.  I hadn't been eating much and lost a pound.  It was also her birthday, but I'd already sent her gift, not knowing we'd be in town at the time.  I really dreaded Friday when we would have a private viewing and then the public visitation.  That would make it real.  I couldn't turn back from there.  I kept waiting for someone to tell me there had been a mistake and he was ok.  I really didn't want to go.  But he was there and he wasn't ok.  My best friend, my biggest supporter, my rock, my hero, the one I never deserved was dead and my heart was broken.  I wept.  I cried over his body and touched him and kissed his cheek like I had wanted to that night, until the tears ran out.  I was so dehydrated all week from crying.  We looked at all the flowers--there were some from KC's mayor and the city manager.  We decorated grandma and grandpa's grave and also Sue's and Scott's grandparents'.  A couple of people came early.  We left later than we meant to, but we hurried to get some Chick-fil-A and drop Billy and Paul off at my mom's house.  Then we headed back for the visitation.  My friend Katina stayed there the whole three hours.  My best friend Kimberly had been in town for Thanksgiving and they stayed an extra day to come.  My friend Sheri came too.  The color guard stood watch  and changed out every 8 minutes.  Tara had come and brought flower arrangements from the union and the fire department.  Several members of KCFD were there and they'd brought an ambulance down for the funeral.  I'd recommended our hotel because it was between the cemetery and the church.  I'd chosen it accidentally, thinking it was one we'd stayed at before.  Two by two, the KCFD personnel came to give me condolences.  One chief sat down next to me and asked me how they'd managed to get that smirk on his face because he said Scott had had that smirk the entire time he knew him.  I was glad he saw it and commented on it because I felt like he was smirking too.  I said it was because the Chiefs beat the Raiders Sunday night in a nailbiter.  I'd been giving Isidro, a Raiders' fan, a hard time about it and got him to admit that he was glad they won for Scott.  As we were leaving, I got choked up watching the last color guard salute him.  The 3 hours seemed to fly by but my neck and shoulders were so sore.  Some old friends brought up dinner at my mom's house.  When we got back to the hotel, it seemed strange to see the KCFD ambulance parked out front.  Just a few minutes later, Jessica sent me a picture of the ambulance.  I ran outside barefoot, looking for her.  I asked where she was and she replied "Wichita" and I replied that she was at my hotel.  We were all crowded into room 116 and they were in 119, so I went over to hug my friend.  I hadn't really thought they would come, but I was so glad my best friend was there for me.  Saturday I dreaded too because afterward it would all be over and everyone would go back to their lives but I'd be stuck in my grief.  We had to get going early because Pastor Riffee had wanted a morning service to allow time to disinfect before Sunday services.  Arrena and I had decided to dress in Chiefs' gear to match Scott (we buried him in his Chiefs' Superbowl shirt).  THE Fire Chief, Donna Lake, had come down for the funeral along with several other chiefs.  Tara introduced me to all of them.  The honor guard was on again.  The service was beautiful.  The songs I chose all made me weep.  Tara spoke on behalf of the union and the fire department and as a friend and presented Arrena and Billy with coins from the fire department (Kimberly didn't come because she was afraid of Corona) and me with a medal for Scott.  Pastor Riffee preached a salvation message that at last count, over 800 people watched on the livestream.  I was glad the livestream went outside because I spent some time with him after everyone left and wept and touched him and kissed his cheek.  When I was ready (would I ever really be ready) they closed the casket and draped the flag over it and wheeled him out into the windy day.  Color guard stood watch and they played the bagpipes (and drums) while they put him in the hearse.  We followed the hearse, the ambulance followed us, and all the chiefs' vehicles followed behind.  The livestream resumed after we got there, as they unloaded him to the bagpipes and color guard again.  I followed after and we had a short entombment service.  All of the chiefs came by to give their condolences and the color guard folded the flag and gave it to KCFD, who presented it to me.  They played Amazing Grace on the bagpipes, which always gets me.  My friends came and hugged me, then everyone left but me, the kids, mom and my brother, and Pastor and Mrs. Riffee.  Isidro gave me a Chiefs' helmet magnet that I placed on his casket over a scratch, like a bumper sticker.  Then they struggled to get him situated in the "couch" mausoleum I chose.  I could have had him buried near his mother and grandparents but I wanted him inside.  The mausoleum has room for me and we'll be side by side, which is why they call it a couch.  We stayed as they sealed it up and put the marble face back on.  Then we went to his mother's friend's for lunch.  After that, Billy and I went to mom's and Arrena and her boyfriend went to visit her dad.  Billy hadn't wanted to stay with grandma like he usually does.  At first he said the house was haunted.  Then he said he just wanted to stay with me.  Arrena said he finally cried at the funeral.  He told me he was going to get a job to pay bills.  Sunday morning we went to church with mom, where I was angered by people not wearing masks.  We ate lunch and then left to go back to KC.  It's been a lot of paperwork ever since.  Arrena asked if she could move back in to help out.  When she's not here, just me and Billy make the house feel so empty.  She's been cleaning and organizing the house for me while I sit and do paperwork or just scroll through Facebook.  My therapist said when someone dies people wish the whole world would stop.  For me, it kind of did with all the publicity (the mayor holding a press conference and the governor ordering flags to be half-mast).  The hard part is when everything goes back to normal.  The words of the songs from the funeral keep playing in my head.  I'm ok most of the time, but sometimes I lose it.  Usually in the shower or at bedtime.  I know I'll see him again, I know where he is, but I mourn for my loss on earth.  I don't know if it's ok with God, but I talk to him sometimes--"See? I'm doing my self-care."  Or I was telling him how the mayor and the governor have made speeches about him and that the Fire Chief came to his funeral.  Then it dawned on me that he doesn't care.  He's with God the Father and Jesus--who cares about earthly big wigs?  The Lt. Governor sent us a card about "perpetual adoration society" for Scott.  We asked Arrena's friend and she said it meant they were praying for him all the time to honor him.  I miss him so much.  And I don't know how to finish raising Billy without him.  Billy had two meltdowns in the hotel before Arrena's boyfriend came and Arrena and I could barely contain him.  She got a bruise from being punched in the jaw.  My aunt said we (plus my mom) should travel and finish seeing the 50 states.  That gives me something to look forward to.  I've been thinking about taking the kids on a cruise too, since we loved going so much.

Okay, so maybe it was MY PMS that pushed me over the edge, but it hasn't gotten any better...

I contacted the superintendent of the Derby schools and he basically just said that the time in the school is only considered when you are applying for a transfer and still live in the Derby school district. When you are in another school district, it basically amounts to nothing--you are no different than anyone else applying to attend. Totally unfair, huh? So, we hit a dead end. The REALLY great (sarcasm) thing is that I researched the school that the girls will go to and am NOT impressed. The scores are much lower and the school is mostly low income students. One of the forms I downloaded to fill out for admission was a permission slip to be able to give the students (all grade levels) information about HIV/AIDS. Can you believe that? I'm sorry, but I don't think my first and second graders need that information and if they did, I would give it to them. Well, think about it--what are the ways that HIV is transmitted? Shared needles (haven't seen too many first and second graders shooting up, and if they are, that's a parent problem!), unprotected sex (again, first and second graders? If so, where are the PARENTS?), blood transfusions (which is regulated now)--are there any others I've missed? It's extremely rare for HIV to be contracted through cuts or injuries, so I don't see the point of telling small children these things. Just another red flag for the quality of this school.

So, then when Chris heard all of this, he wanted to move. I don't want my children in that school either. I want them in their old school as much as he does, but I am just not sure if we can swing a sudden move! There's the cost involved, plus it's not the best time--school starting, family reunion/vacation to Oklahoma, and the party we are hosting for Chris' foster parents. Not to mention, are there any decent houses in the area? We looked into private school a couple of years ago and I refreshed my memory--it would cost over $700 a month to send the girls to either of the bigger Christian schools in the area.

Stress level just elevated! But, Chris calmed down and said they would just have to tough out the year and maybe we can find a house to move to in the next year. And, he added, he would be all over the teachers and principal to make sure that the girls are receiving a good education this year.

My stomach is all in knots and I am still so angry about all of this. I just pray that this year doesn't ruin anything, that Arrena doesn't regress from the progress she's made. It took a lot of effort last year on the part of her teacher, her reading lab teacher, and me to get her to the point where she could move on from first to second grade. I guess I am going to have to step up wherever the school fails. I hope I am ready for the challenge. I pray for strength and wisdom....

One of THOSE Weeks...

Well, to start off the tale of woe, I haven't been able to use my drier all week. I had been hearing this strange sound in the living room late at night and when I went towards the sound, it stopped. I finally found out that there was a growing hole near the baseboard by the front door, so obviously there is a mouse chewing a hole in the wall. I was ticked off. I hate mice and I pay for exterminators, yet I still have numerous pests! But THAT is a whole other tirade! I went and found some mouse poison packs in the garage and threw one in a corner of the garage behind some stuff which is in the vicinity of the backside of the wall with the mystical growing portal. Well, a day or two later, the hole hadn't enlarged any, but there was a stench in the garage, as of that of a dead mouse. Well, I went to put some laundry in the drier in the basement and it came out with the same stench. Thought it was a fluke, so I did another load and it came out the same way. No stench from the outside, only inside. Great. Dead mouse somewhere INSIDE my drier. And of course, Chris claims, "I'll take it apart tonight and find it," but never does. So, I have had to hang everything to dry--clothes, underwear, socks, towels. And since my fabric softener is in the form of drier sheets, you can imagine how stiff everything is! I was going to use my mom's drier, but it rained a couple of days this week which meant Chris took my truck instead of the motorcycle.

Then Wednesday night, Kimmy complained that she didn't feel good. This is an EXTREMELY common complaint with her, so I didn't pay much attention, except my usual, "Go lay down, then." I guess after I went to work, she threw up twice. When I got home, she and Billy both had a fever and Billy was shivering violently and suffering from gads of diarrhea. It's been like that ever since. I thought Kimmy was better because she kept her dinner down Thursday night, but she threw up again this morning. She is complaining that it's unfair for her to be sick because she missed going to the library Thursday (even though I picked up her summer reading prize pack for her as well as an armload of books), going to the zoo today (even though we have a membership and go often AND I brought her home a gift from the zoo's gift shop), and might miss out on two of her friends' parties tomorrow if I'm not convinced she's better. Arrena has been a TREMENDOUS help to me. It's been a little difficult with one in one bathroom and one in the other, both crying for mama. Kimmy even accused me of paying attention to Billy and not to her. Arrena, meanwhile, has been trying to disinfect the house--I can't tell if it's so she won't get sick and miss out on everything or if it's to gain allowance money or if it's just to help me out. Regardless, she has cleaned and helped with the two sickies and even got them some animal masks at the zoo today before she got one for herself. Let's hope she doesn't catch it now.

Today while we were at the zoo, I got a phone call from the school board. Our daughters have been in Derby schools the last two years. We lived in Derby district, even though we were technically in Wichita. I didn't like the neighborhood school--we had lived in that neighborhood when we first moved back here and it is a hotbed of crime and drugs, etc. We got out of there as fast as we could. Even though we were living across the highway from that neighborhood, we were still in that district. I didn't want my kids in those schools. I hear the schools are good, but I didn't want to have to tell my children that they can't go over to any of their friends' houses because I don't know if their parents are crackheads or dope dealers or whatever. Children in that neighborhood run unattended in the streets at an early age. So, we transferred to Pleasantview. It was approved the past two years. But, we moved out of Derby district and into Wichita district. However, Derby enrollment has been down, so they adopted an open enrollment this year where you could get an out-of-district waiver and still be approved to go to Derby schools. The girls are used to the school, have friends, and I have been pleased with their progress and the programs. I didn't think it would be a problem to get the waiver because there is supposed to be a hierarchy of preference--first, children in that neighborhood; second, children not in the neighborhood but have been at the school previously; third, other children out of the district that have never attended that school. Since Arrena has two years in and Kimmy has one, I assumed we would get preferential treatment in the process. We got the call today that Kimmy has a spot, but not Arrena. They offered another school for Arrena, but I said that I would not split the girls up in two different schools--that's stupid. They said the only way they could stay together was to go to one of the schools in the bad neighborhood. I said absolutely not, out of the question. I talked to Arrena's friend's mom, who is a teacher in Derby and she said she was told that they didn't follow the hierarchy, they just drew the applications out of a pile at random. That's great, teaching our kids that it doesn't matter if you work hard and put your time in. And this teacher didn't even get to have her child at the school she works at for the third year in a row--they can't even get it right for the teachers! I am so mad about this! And you can imagine that the girls are really upset about it too. There's been a few tears today over it. And with ten days left until school starts, I don't even know where they will be going to school! I guess it will have to be in Wichita, but I am not 100% sure which school is in our district. UGH!

As if all this isn't enough to drive someone (me) bonkers, Chris is in one of his "woe-is-me" pity-party attitudes. First it was that me and Arrena and her friend ate at the zoo and we didn't think about him enough to bring him some food (he told me he was going to grab something before he came home). So, I babied him and got him KFC for dinner. But, then he whined because he likes to go out riding his motorcycle on Friday nights and he didn't have a babysitter. This ticked me off. First off, just Sunday, he told me that he wasn't going to go out on Fridays anymore, that he wanted to spend the time with the kids. Second, two of the kids are sick. And there he was, trying to decide who he could call to watch them so he could go out. When he figured out he had no one, he sulked and pouted and talked about selling his bike because he ONLY gets to ride it back and forth to work. Waah, waah, waah! So, I said that if I could, I would get off early so he could go. But, as luck would have it, volume was too high tonight, so I only got off 40 minutes early (which is still nothing to sneeze at around there! And certainly better than the extra hour we were threatened with). While I was at work, he texted me on my breaks to see if I was off yet. When I texted "no" back, he replied with, "I knew it." When I got home, he had gone to bed and when I went to tell him I was home, he acted pouty and sulky again. I usually go to the store Friday nights, but I came straight home for him for NOTHING! Now I have to figure out when I can go, which will probably have to be tomorrow morning, which sucks! I guarantee he will probably get on that bike as soon as he gets up and leave me to take three kids, two of them sick, to the store. And what's worse is that the high tomorrow is forecasted to be 100 degrees--lovely weather to be loading groceries in and out with three children in tow! ARGH, but it's just the tip of the iceberg. He has been on my nerves a lot here lately. And now I guess I get to sleep on the couch since both sickies are flanking him in our bed, likely a maneuver on his part as revenge on me for what? Going to work? Not storming out of work so he could go on a BIKE RIDE? For not allowing him to call my mother to babysit in the middle of her working eleven days in a row with no day off? It's all my fault somehow, I am sure. Do men get PMS?

Okay, needed to blow off that steam! I'm all better now....