12-24-2020 Journal Entry, aka First Christmas Without You

Yesterday I went to the funeral home.  Two of the things I ordered for Scott's mausoleum haven't arrived which makes me mad.  Jayde was supposed to meet with me, but she got stuck at Resthaven.  Isidro came and sat on the floor with me in his suit and chatted for quite a while.  We talked about family, depression, death, and being a Christian.  I didn't know he was a Christ follower.  He said through his depression, it moved from head knowledge to heart knowledge.  We also talked about Chiefs and Raiders.  He gave me the paid bills for the funeral that Jayde was going to give me.  I need them for the lawyer to do probate for the house and the van.

Today I spent most of the day at mom's with Billy.  Arrena drove down tonight.  I watched Abundant Life's Christmas Eve service.

I've been teary all day.  The music, watching It's a Wonderful Life on TV, etc.  I've been surreptitiously wiping tears all day.  I think Billy noticed.

Billy said yesterday that I cry all the time and that he hears me.  I said I didn't cry all the time, so he asked why I sleep in Scott's bed.  He's also started saying I'm an alcoholic because he saw rum in the outside fridge.  He said it a few times in front of my mom, who doesn't approve of any alcohol.  I had to take him aside later and explain what an alcoholic is and why I'm not one.

Anyways, here's the first Christmas without Scott.  And I'm already teary and couldn't get in the "Christmas spirit" this year.  Arrena put up her little tree in her room, but I didn't decorate at all.  I felt like putting a black wreath on the door.

12-17-2020 Journal Entry, aka Billy's Meltdowns

Two nights ago, we went to see Christmas in the Park, which takes hours because of the long lines.  Billy didn't like going because he was taken away from the x-box.  He threw a small fit.  I must teach Arrena how to deal with these because as a sibling, she seems to make it worse.

Yesterday, Billy and I had antibody tests which showed we are immune to Covid for about 3 months after having it.

Tonight Billy had a HUGE meltdown.  I need Scott.  He could handle these better than Arrena and I can.  And I think Billy is raging so much because he's grieving in his own way.  I don't want to call the police on him, but I know I need to if this continues.  Maybe I should call his doctor.

Christmas, Xmas, or Happy Holidays

About a month ago, on Facebook, I saw evidence of the predictable annual debate: Christmas or Xmas, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. None of these expressions have ever bothered me. I believe that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus being born as a man, in order to die on the cross for our sins. That said, I will explain why I don't insist on the term "Christmas" or become highly incensed if anyone dares to call it anything different.

According to Wikipedia, "The term 'Xmas', a popular shortened form of the word Christmas... originates from the use of the Greek letter chi to represent 'Christ' (Χριστός)." This abbreviation for Christ has been documented since 1021 AD, in chronicles, dictionaries, new testament manuscripts, ancient art, and churches. If you know about the "Ichthus" symbol, you know that symbols are common and the "X" standing for "Christ" was a part of that symbol as well. Ichthus (or Ichthys), written ΙΧΘΥΣ in Greek, is the word for fish. It was an acrostic for "Jesus Christ God's son Savior" as shown in the following:

• Iota (i) is the first letter of Iēsous (Ἰησοῦς), Greek for "Jesus".
• Chi (ch) is the first letter of Christos (Χριστός), Greek for "anointed".
• Theta (th) is the first letter of Theou (Θεοῦ), Greek for "God's", the genitive case of Θεóς, Theos, Greek for "God".
• Upsilon (u) is the first letter of huios (Υἱός), Greek for "Son".
• Sigma (s) is the first letter of sōtēr (Σωτήρ), Greek for "Savior".

Aside from the Xmas debate, many people become offended by hearing the phrase "Happy Holidays." They contend that the only holiday worth mentioning is Christmas. First off, this is insensitive to people who celebrate other holidays. Granted that Kwanzaa's creator initially intended the celebration to be an alternative to Christmas and spoke derogatorily about Jesus and the Christian faith. However, many who celebrate Kwanzaa today also celebrate Christmas. Kwanzaa celebrates heritage and history and its principles are not contrary to Christian faith, such as unity, community, family, helping one another, etc. In addition, Jewish people celebrate Hannukah. While most Jews do not believe that Jesus is the promised Messiah, Messianic Jews do. Some celebrate Christmas, but from what I have read, many do not. It's not because they do not wish to honor Christ, but because they believe that many of the practices of Christmas stem from pagan rituals, such as decorating a Christmas tree (Jeremiah 10). I also read that the eating of a Christmas ham on December 25th commemorates the Abomination of Desolation that was committed by Antiochus when he burned a pig on the temple altar. Add those things to the knowledge that many pagan religions already celebrated the births of their deities at that time of the year and you understand why many Jewish believers would want little to do with the Christmas holiday. They believe that all the feasts that God ordained for his people present a picture of Christ and that there are parallels between Hannukah and Jesus and that they can best honor Christ by observing the feasts which God set forth, as opposed to one that is man-made and contains echos of pagan tradition (for that matter, I am nearly convinced to give up Christmas!). Thanksgiving was generally celebrated the last Thursday of November, until 1941 when Roosevelt signed a bill which changed it to the fourth Thursday. When scores of people are celebrating Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and New Year's in a short span of time, is it any wonder that stores wish their customers a "Happy Holidays" instead of trying to wish them a happy Thanksgiving/Hannukah/Christmas/Kwanzaa/NewYear's? Or trying to determine which holiday a particular person celebrates? Or risk offending someone? Yes, "Happy Holidays" may be a generic greeting, but how else is the average person to navigate the waters of the ethnic melting pot of the U.S.?

As for an etymology lesson, Wikipedia states that "the word 'holiday' originally referred only to special religious days. The word derived from the notion of 'Holy Day'." Webster's Dictionary's first definition listed under "holiday" is "holy day." Is it that offensive to wish someone a "Happy Holy Day?"

I've heard people stirring up the masses about "taking Christ out of Christmas" and declaring "war" against Christian holidays. I read that Franklin Graham, Billy Graham's son is such a one and he should know better. It saddens me that a lot of Christians are willing to get sucked into a silly argument. They are just words. I think some people are so divisive, that they just go around looking for something to be upset about and cause strife. There are plenty of REAL problems in the world, we shouldn't be arguing semantics. Christmas is about Christ coming to earth to give himself for us. And we should, in turn, show his love to those around us, instead of getting worked up about silly abbreviations. I don't think that Jesus would care which way it's expressed if we are not doing what we should or our hearts are not right. Whatever words we choose to use, God knows our heart. You can say Christmas all you want and still not be righteous in God's eyes. And vice versa, you can say Xmas or Happy Holidays and be godly and giving, in love with Jesus. They are just words.

I read a post by a Christian band on Facebook, discussing this debate. Many people understood the truth and tried to enlighten others about where the term Xmas came from. However, there were many posts afterward that showed that many people did not care about the truth. It was as if they stopped up their ears and said, "La la la la la! I can't hear you!" They didn't want to be set straight. Maybe they heard someone who they believed they should be able to trust--someone of prominence, a public figure or a pastor, that spoke out against these issues and they trust that they must know what they are talking about. So they get incensed, by proxy. Long entrenched beliefs are hard to shake.

It bothers me that this issue is so hotly debated and that non-Christians are exposed to the squabbling within the family of God. I saw a poll online about whether Christians thought that the debate would turn people off to Christianity. The majority didn't care, they were stuck on the word "Christmas." I was appalled that so many would choose a mere word over the possibility of souls coming to Christ.

I was upset that so many people seem so averse to learning the truth. However, a still small voice reminded me of Paul's teaching in Romans 14. That passage even talks about special days. The gist of the passage is that if something offends your brother or sister, you should refrain from it. What you think is right to eat or celebrate, etc., is second to the importance of not causing your brother to stumble. Esteem your brother higher than that of your own liberty. Therefore, knowing the truth, we should still be sensitive to others and I myself vow to use the phrase "Merry Christmas" so as not to offend others.

Am I the Only Person Who Dislikes Skulls?

One of the great joys of sharing children with an ex is the Christmas and birthday gift conundrum. For one, if they don't consult you, then you sometimes end up getting the same thing. For example, for my son's 5th birthday, my ex-husband called to criticize me for not consulting him and buying the same cake, decorations, piñata that they had planned on having. It apparently didn't occur to him to check to see what we were doing or that our son picked it out himself, that we were trying to give him a theme birthday, according to his interests, or that we had gotten ours first. Or, how about that it doesn't even matter that Billy had the same cake, piñata, and decor for two parties? Did Billy mind? No!

Second, there's the argument of where these gifts should stay. Should they remain at dad's house, or do they go home to mom's with the kids? Thirdly, which ties in to the second problem, he and his girlfriend or wife sometimes buy gifts that we don't like or approve of, such as loud, noisy gifts (a guitar, kazoos, etc.), a remote controlled snake (Scott doesn't like snakes of any sort in this house), or clothing that you would never allow your 8 and 10-year-old daughters to wear (padded bras, shorty shorts, pants with words across the rear, drawing attention to your little girl's butt, or used underwear--yes...i said used).

Yes, all these things I have mentioned have happened in our situation. I am sure there are worse things that they could receive and maybe will in the future. My solution to the problem: donate any clothes that are inappropriate and ask him to keep all gifts that he buys at his house. However, though I have discussed this with him a couple of times, this past Christmas, the kids were preparing to bring home their gifts, saying dad told them they could. I said absolutely not, becoming the bad guy and it was obvious that he was very unhappy with my refusal. While I choose my battles, this time I stood my ground, not willing to allow the walking over me to turn into an Olympic decathlon. He sent them with just a few items that were non-toy. Even that was an issue because Kimberly got two calendars from his mom and another calendar from my husband's mother. Now, where is she going to put three calendars? What does an 8-year-old need with three calendars? Or a 5-year-old, because Billy got three, as well.

The other item that I didn't like was a purse that they got for Arrena, my 10-year-old. It's a Monster High brand and features a skull on the side of it, with a bow on its "head." Even though I don't like it, I can't take it away from her without being the bad guy again. She adores this purse and takes it everywhere and shows it to everyone.

There are worse things that she could have and this is really just my own personal issue with it. Likely few will understand my aversion. I see skulls everywhere. And not just as a tattoo on a big hairy scary-looking man's bicep. I see women wearing skull shirts, earrings, etc. as well. Just the other day, I heard about someone that wanted skulls decorating their baby's blanket. My problem is that it is a symbol of death. Most would be appalled if someone were to walk around with a severed head as a decoration. However, this is the same thing, only more decayed--minus the skin, blood, and tissue. That is disturbing to me. I see a skull and a severed head as the same thing. It is disgusting to me to decorate with a human body part. I also wonder if it desensitizes people to death and gore. And the cute little bow on top of the skull on my daughter's purse makes me shake my head. Yeah, let's make it better by decorating the severed head with a pink bow. O...kay. Totally my opinion and others obviously do not share it. So, I am currently stuck with a skull purse in my house. Guess it's slightly better than the other purse she likes to carry around--a photo tote, which she decided to fill with an old family picture from when my ex and I were still married as well as a family picture taken at my wedding to my new husband. (It's a little weird...)

News Flash: Christmas is Over!

I often have a hard time giving up Christmas. It's my favorite holiday and there is so much build-up, with the decorations, Christmas programs, shopping, music, etc., that by the time it's over, I feel like a junkie coming off a drug cold turkey. I often get depressed after Christmas. I resist the end by refusing to take down decorations. Once, I left the tree up until Valentine's Day. Last year, I had found an anti-depressant that had worked wonders with me. I had no "post-Christmas let-down." I took the tree down two days after Christmas. But, with all my life changes this year, I had insurance changes too and had to give up my anti-depressants.

I had thought this year might be easier on me since we decorated slightly earlier, giving me more time to enjoy the season, and since my life is significantly better than it has been in the past. But, the busyness made it fly by. First there was the divorce/court, then our wedding, followed closely by our trip to California. After that, we had our Christmas, Christmas with my family in Wichita, the kids went to their dad's, and Christmas with Scott's mom. You'd think all that Christmas celebration would have lengthened it for me, but it didn't. After all that, it was off to our honeymoon cruise. We got back and January was more than half over and I begin to wonder where the time and the season went.

We finally had time (and I was motivated and had conceded) yesterday. It was time because with the construction of the addition to our house, we are rearranging rooms and furniture and buying some new. We bought some new couches the other day at Nebraska Furniture Mart so we had to make room to move things around. We put away the decorations and today put the storage tubs back in their place in the basement.

While my new life situation has significantly reduced my stress and depression levels, I have always had a tendency towards depression. Maybe inherited, maybe just me. So, don't judge me if I still listen to Christmas music or watch Christmas shows to get me through!

His Helping Hands

Today I went to volunteer at a place called His Helping Hands. It is a ministry of a church here in town that we attend sometimes (we actually go to two different churches--long story). Anyways, they take donations of household goods and clothing (& likely other things, I don't know) and give them to people in the community that need these things.

I have been wanting to find a way to volunteer, but with children at home, it's hard to find the time. I have often felt badly when I see people begging on the side of the road because as a Christian, you know you are supposed to help people, but in this day and age, you can't be sure that if you stopped to help someone that they wouldn't rob or kill you. And if you give that guy outside the gas station some money, will he use it to buy food or alcohol and drugs? My motive today might not be as totally selfless as it should have been. This was part of a self-prescribed therapy, sanctioned by my counselor. For one, I thought maybe if I helped someone else, it would make me feel better and take my mind off myself. If I see someone who is in even worse shape than I am, then maybe it would give me some perspective. And in some ways, I think maybe I tend to look down on people. I don't mean to and I have had at least one trusted person tell me that I have been too hard on myself. I don't know if that is true or not. Only I know what is in my heart and sometimes what I see disappoints me.

Anyways, I am a shy person. I am uncomfortable talking to strangers and often am not sure what to say. I do much better with the written word. I often get tongue-tied when speaking to someone verbally. Maybe that's why I prefer email to phone calls. I thought I would be doing something more behind the scenes, like hanging up clothing or stocking toy tables. There were about 100 volunteers, maybe more. They asked for volunteers to be greeters when the people first came in the door and I thought that was not for me because that would definitely be a talking-to-strangers kind of thing. Besides, they immediately had plenty of volunteers. The next thing was to help in the toy selection process, and again they immediately had enough volunteers. Same thing with the people helping out with the clothing selection. I hung back and thought I would just take what was leftover. Well, what was leftover was a position termed "expediter". The expediters would take the person or family after they were registered and walk them through the entire process! This was more interaction than any of the other jobs! YIKES! What was I doing?

I think God allowed this to take me out of my comfort zone. I ended up taking four women through the process over the course of the morning. They were all nice and easy for me to talk to. Two were especially sweet and I felt so good to be able to help them. They were so appreciative and as they left, I wished them a Merry Christmas and said, "God bless you," and hugged them. After they were gone, I prayed for them. The last lady I assisted had her two children with her: a four-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl. The little girl kept hugging me. I had overheard the girl saying what she had asked Santa Claus for and I was able to find something similar and we were able to hide it from her so she will have a nice surprise on Christmas morning. Each family was able to get bags of clothing, pick out used toys for their children and received a new toy for each of their children, as well as a devotional book and a $30 WalMart gift card. People had lined up early for this. The second group I took through said they had come at 6:40am, so there's no telling how early the first ones had been there!

After the holidays, I think I'd like to volunteer there once or twice a month. I had worked late last night and had to get up early for this, so I was tired, but I really enjoyed doing it and am so glad that I did.