3-4-2021 Journal Entry, aka Psychiatrist

Yesterday Billy was off school so I had to take him with me to therapy.  I told her how I'd been feeling since GriefShare.  She told me to sit in that feeling and share it with God.  She also drew from what I was saying several things that I "am", when I said I was concerned with my identity.

My psychiatrist was pretty concerned and talked about hospitalizing me again.  I don't have Scott to watch Billy for me and Arrena went to Nebraska last night for a few days.  I told him I wasn't a danger to myself.  He tabled that suggestion for now.  He talked about doing some intensive outpatient treatment.  I don't even know how I would do that with Billy being hybrid with school.  Then he really scared me and brought up electro-convulsive therapy.  He said it would be like hitting a reset button and I would be sedated for it.  The thing that really got me was he said that they'd do it at Research, which is where Scott died.  He had some ideas for med changes and for now doubled the dose of what I'm on.  After I got off telehealth with him, I cried for an hour.  It's the first time I've cried in weeks.  I texted Jessica and she calmed me down.

3-2-2021 Journal Entry, aka New Dog

Sometimes I wonder if my depression leaves me numb and emotionless or do I just not cry as much because...  God is my strength?  I know I have hope in Christ to see my husband again?  I know I can't compare my journey to anyone else's, but I feel like I cry less than other widows.  Why is that?

I finally remembered to text the lady Isidro wanted me to talk to.  She called me and we talked for two and a half hours.  Is this my purpose?

We DID get a dog Sunday.   The first one Billy picked out had some behavior issues that were red flags, so they suggested Riley.  We met him and Billy loved him, so we took him home and Billy renamed him Patrick after Patrick Mahomes.  He's a Shepherd/Basset mix, so he has a big body with short little legs.  Arrena and Paul went with us to meet him and Kimberly and Eli met us at the house to see him.  They were all playing in the back yard.  It was strange bringing in a new member of the family that has never known Scott, but also nice to see something bring everyone together.  Kimberly took Billy and Patrick to PetCo.  We're signed up for obedience classes starting next week.

3-1-2021 Journal Entry, aka Why Me, God?

I don't even know how to start writing what I'm feeling.  I went to GriefShare tonight and something reminded me of my dad, so I told a little of that story.  The gasps when I said I found him dead and decomposing hit me.  There's so much in my life.  My divorce--being cheated on multiple times, being given an STD, being strangled after being stalked, custody battles, no child support.  My losses--my dad, my grandparents, my husband.  My health and mental health--Lyme's disease, my back injury, depression/being suicidal, PTSD (twice), borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and more.  Financial issues.  My son being special needs and having to fight for him his whole life and now being alone to do it.  My daughter running from God and being scared she'll never turn around.  Not knowing who I am when I'm not Scott's wife or Arrena, Kimberly, and Billy's mom.  Trying to figure out where I fit in at church because I know I need to, but more confused than ever.

In my previous marriage, I felt like Hosea, taking back the husband that left me for so many other women.  Now I feel like Job.  Why is my life so screwed up?  Why do all these bad things happen to me?  I know the answer for Job was for God to get the glory.  How does God get glory from all the broken pieces of my life and how do I give it to Him?  I want to honor God and give Him glory, but how?  And how much can one person bear?  I know, there must be people that have it worse.  I just don't know how much more broken I can be.  I feel like David in the Psalms when he asks, "How long Lord?"  Whatever I may want, I can't die yet because I have a son to raise, if I can get motivated to actually parent him.  And right now I have a hard time praying for Jesus' return because I'm unsure of the souls of 2 of my children.  When will all my suffering be over?  I still have a mom to lose.  Three children.  What will I lose next?  Do I have to live 40, 50 more years in this pain?  This is not my home and I know 40-50 years is a vapor compared to eternity, but from this end, it seems interminable.  What do I still need to learn or do that I haven't?  Please God, answer my prayer: save my children and let me go home.  That's all I want.