signing off for now

i am not going to have internet for a while, not sure how long, so there won't be any posts for a while. in the middle of some personal turmoil. please pray for me if you think of it.

Delving Deeper into the Dark Recesses of My Mind

There are so many metaphors: wandering in a fog, feeling my way like a blind man, stuck in quicksand. But, they all apply, however trite. My depression ebbs and flows like the tide. I'll feel like I can't breathe and can't function. I overreact to everything. I cry uncontrollably. I feel physically ill and weak. I don't have the words to express how I feel or why and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to say it without the dam breaking. Sometimes it's triggered by a situation or a perceived "situation" and sometimes there is absolutely no reason--I was choking back tears at High School Musical on Ice before it ever started and couldn't figure out why. Then after a few hours, I feel human again. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. The only anchor for me is the children. I can be so confused and dazed and drowning and then one of the children needs me and I feel jolted back. They can't have a mama that's unable to care for them or losing it. They are like a lighthouse, the northern star, the horizon. As long as I keep my eyes focused on them, I can plot my way. The strange thing is that when I am swirling, my thoughts are coming in song lyrics. I thought of several yesterday and I decided to put them down here so the next time I feel tossed by the waves, I can read them and ground myself. So, please excuse me. This is less blogging and more of my personal journal.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ Name.

When darkness seems to hide His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

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This world is not my home I'm just a-passing through
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
The angels beckon me from heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore

Oh Lord you know I have no friend like you
If heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do
The angels beckon me from heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore

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She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fear's whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from, wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

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I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

Muck & Mire

I can't put into words the way I have been feeling lately. I won the genetic lottery (sarcasm) when I inherited this depression from my dad. It's not always a black plague, but I am currently in a deep, dark valley. Five minutes ago, as I was trying to sort through it all, I began to whisper this song because it was the only thing that I could think of. Funny though, because, though the lyrics are what I feel, the title is the exact opposite of what I feel like right now. Healing medicine, to hear your deepest feelings expressed by someone else when you can't.

Smile
by Chris Rice

How far are You?
How close am I?
I know Your words are true when I don’t feel them inside
Still I believe You’ll never leave
So where are You now?

You’re all I have
You’re all I’ve known
Your breath is breathing in my soul
Still I am gasping, aching, asking,
Where are you now?

‘Cause I just want to be with You
I dream about Your promise to return
I just want this waiting to be over
And I wake up hangin’ on Your every word
I just want to be with You
For now my feet are planted here on earth
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer
And it helps to know the day is getting closer
But every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Till I won’t have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile.

My journey’s here, but my heart is There
So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare
Our destiny, till You come back for me
Oh, please make it soon!

‘Cause I just want to be with You
I dream about Your promise to return
I just want this waiting to be over
And I wake up hangin’ on Your every word
I just want to be with You
For now my feet are planted here on earth
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer
And it helps to know the day is getting closer
But every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Till I won’t have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile.

High School Musical on Ice

I took Arrena and Kimmy to see High School Musical on Ice for Arrena's birthday. The tickets cost quite a bit, but they were worth it for the seats we got: on the floor, second row. Arrena wanted to be close. We could have reached out and touched the skaters, as you can see by the pictures. It was a pretty good show. The audio is taped and the skaters lip-sync, but it was well-choreographed. The first act is the first High School Musical and act two is High School Musical 2. It is a little rushed to get all of that into about an hour and forty minutes (COUNTING the intermission), but I thought it came out well. It's got to be challenging to do a play while on skates. The actor/skater that played Troy looked a lot like Zac Efron. The girl that played Gabriella didn't resemble Vanessa Hudgens as much, but she was really sweet. Kimmy must have caught her eye. Kimmy had been bouncing around and smiling her little missing-tooth smile and waving at all the skaters that came near us (which was a lot since there was a platform right in front of her seat). "Gabriella" waved to her several times (she made a point to wave directly at Kimmy when they were wrapping up and skating out) and blew her a kiss once. Kimmy was also thrilled when a skater sent up a shower of ice and a piece hit Kimmy in the arm. She showed us the wet spot, excitedly exclaiming, "A piece of ice got me!" I thought she might never wash that arm again! Arrena muttered, "Everything good always happens to Kimmy." Arrena did have a good time, though, proclaiming that it was the best day of her life. The only downside was that I didn't bring my camera. I thought about it and thought they might not allow flash photography and since we were in a prominent spot, we would be more obvious if we were snapping pictures. So, I left it at home and ended up taking a ton of pictures on my cell phone, which is only a 1.3 megapixel, as opposed to my 8 megapixel camera that I left at home. Most of the pictures weren't good at all, but a couple were acceptable. The people in front of us had a camera and I was kicking myself watching all the great shots they were getting. I don't think it would have been worth it if we had been sitting futher back--my flash doesn't work well in large indoor areas. But, as close as we were, it would have been fantastic. And as much as I paid for the tickets, it seems a waste not to have some great pictures out of it. Now I know for next time, I guess!

What Can You Say About Mothers-In-Law That Hasn't Already Been Said?

In sharp contrast to the previous post about Chris' foster parents, there is Chris' real mom. I hesitate to write about this, fearing that someday it will get back to her, somehow. I can really sum her up in one description: she is manic-depressive and schizophrenic, if that gives you any idea of what we are dealing with.

A BIT of background: She was 15 when she had Chris. She had three more sons after that, spaced two years apart. The youngest was adopted by her half-brother and his wife and he only found out he was adopted about six years ago. The next youngest was raised by his father in Ohio. That left Chris and his brother Michael. She was far from mother of the year. She was a drug addict and would leave her kids with strangers when she was high. She once left the kids at the house and called her mom on the way out of town, to tell her to go get them. To this day, she insists that she left to be hospitalized for an illness. When Chris told her that his step-mom was hitting him for refusing to call her "mom", her only reaction was to say, "Well, I guess you better start calling her 'mom' then!" She dated guys that would beat on Chris and Michael until Chris got big enough, then he started beating them up first so they wouldn't touch him or his brother. She once called Chris over to help her because her boyfriend was beating her up and when he arrived and started hitting the boyfriend, she called the cops...on Chris! There are tons more stories like this, but I don't have the time to appall you with them right now. She will even admit that she wasn't a good mother, but somehow she still thinks that Chris "owes" her something.

I wouldn't blame him if he never spoke to her again. In fact, there are times when I wish he would take that route. But, I think the respect he gives her is based wholly on his Mexican heritage. Women aren't treated equally by the men (at least in his family), but they are taught to respect their mothers, no matter what kind of person she is.

She really drives us crazy. Her mental illness makes me afraid to leave the kids with her, but Chris refuses to withhold the kids from her. I worry about the negative influence she has on them. The girls caught her rolling her own "cigarettes" once, if you know what I mean by that! We were livid. Once, she had been watching the kids and only an hour or two after I picked them up, she called Chris threatening to kill herself. He is not the person to get sympathy from. He will call your bluff and force your hand. He told her to go ahead and hung up. Apparently she called her clinic or something and they called the police and had her hauled in to the mental hospital. She called me a couple of days later from there, saying that she would still watch the kids when she got out, that no one was going to take her grandkids away from her! I was thinking, "Well, let's get you out of a straight jacket and then we'll talk about it!" Sometimes I wonder if her craziness is an act to get attention. Chris thinks it's mostly that she fried her brain with all the drugs she has done in her life.

Lately, the source of annoyance with her has been financially related. A couple of years ago she had tried to get disability partly for a back injury she had gotten in a car wreck and mostly for her mental illness that renders her unable to work with the public. She doesn't deal with people well. Even the kids--she can only handle them for a few hours and then they start getting on her nerves and she has to bring them back. Especially Arrena, who takes great pride in arguing with her Gaga Pat and telling her off. Kimmy likes going over there because she is Gaga's favorite (which infuriates us, that she plays favorites, and that it's so obvious, even to the children) and gets whatever she wants. Billy likes going over because he likes her newest (fifth) husband Jack (their wedding is pictured here, "minister" in the middle) because Jack lets him do guy stuff with him. But, I digress. She was on welfare while she waited for the disability to be approved. That can take years, which I know from when my dad got it. But, when her welfare was finally cut, she went and got a job, ruining any chances of getting the disability by proving that she does have the ability to work!

But, her working is sporadic. She quits if someone ticks her off. Or she won't show up and gets fired. Then she will sit without a job for months. Her husband is a steel worker, and makes great money when he is working, but he often finds excuses not to go to work. Or he fails his urinalysis and gets fired. They have no children at home and lived in a cruddy neighborhood, so the rent wasn't high. They didn't have any bills besides their month-to-month bills, so they should have been fine. But, they could never pay their bills. They constantly ask us for money. She sometimes will call and ask if one of the kids can come spend time with her, but it's just a ruse because as soon as she comes over, she hits us up for money. They were really dumb because they took on two car payments! They couldn't pay their rent and were evicted. I couldn't understand where their money was going! They weren't paying their rent or their car payments, they were constantly asking for money, but they always had cigarettes and would be out drinking at a bar and obviously Jack was getting weed since he was failing his U/A's! Chris gets phone calls from check advance places, asking him to get a hold of her for them, because she owes them money. We have a car loan at the same place they do and every time Chris goes in, they ask him about his mother's payment. He gets so mad about it because she is an adult, why should they expect him deal with her? She is just another customer that they should deal with themselves, instead of calling him every time she misses a payment. She tries to throw guilt trips on us: "It must be nice to have two cell phones and a home phone when we can't even buy milk and toilet paper!" Like we should feel guilty because we go to work every day and earn what we have. Or like we should support them because they want to sit at home and be lazy. And I feel like when we do help them, even supposing we give them money for milk and toilet paper, we are supporting their other habits in a round about way!

Anyways, they are now living in a travel trailer (one of the dumb things they decided to spend money on instead of paying their bills) in an RV park. Half of our garage is filled with their stuff. They swore they were getting a storage unit and it would only be in there for a couple of weeks. So far, it's been there about a month and a half. With winter approaching, I'd like to be able to park my truck in there!

The other dumb thing is that Jack (who looks like Sam Elliot if he had ever played a biker--sort of a cross between his roles of Virgil Earp in Tombstone and Wade Garrett in Road House. Ooh, I just saw a picture of Sam Elliott online that looks more like Jack, so I'll post it here.) decided he wanted to have a motorcycle built. He basically had a frame and that was it. Maybe a few other random parts. Chris took him to see his bike mechanic and Jack left the bike with the mechanic who started working on it. Jack stopped paying him. The mechanic is holding his bike until he gets paid. This has been going on for a year or so. Finally in the last couple of weeks, Jack has started paying again. Who knows how long it will last.

When we had the going-away party for Chris' foster parents, we invited his real mom to come because she liked Jesse & Tena and wanted to say goodbye. We told her what time the party started and when she heard that Chris was speaking at the beginning, she said she wanted to be there for sure to hear that. She also agreed to help with the kids since we would both be busy. She finally showed up when the party was mostly over. Most of the guests had left, the chairs and tables had been packed away, and we were loading up the leftover food in the back of the truck. Kimmy ran after me as I was taking the apple crisp out to the truck and said, "Wait! Gaga Pat wants some apple pie!" I said, "Well, then grandma should have been here hours ago. We are trying to clean up." And since I refused to bring the food back in just for her, she was joking with Tena, that she would come over later and eat our leftovers. I said, "Oh, really? That's like the story of the little red hen who asked everyone to help her bake the bread. No one helped, but everyone wanted to eat it!" They laughed, but later she was complaining that I had told her she couldn't have any of the food at all. She comes over and raids our fridge any time she feels like it anyways. She has even eaten food that I had set aside for a meal.

Sunday was her 48th birthday, so we took her and Jack to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. I think it would have been easier to have gotten her a gift. The kids ate free and we still spent $90! She had the nerve to get mad at us because we wouldn't buy her an alcoholic drink. For one, not with OUR money. For two, she was taking two of the kids with her to spend the night! Why can't she just be happy with the expensive meal that she got?

I had to talk about all of this so I could get the negative out and continue trying to be nice to her. It's not easy.

Bon Voyage!

I should have written a while ago about the going-away party that we hosted for Chris' foster parents. They are leaving tomorrow to head to Vancouver, Canada to be missionaries to the First Nations people.

A few months back, they had come to visit us while they were in town. She'll probably hate that I am saying this, but Tena mentioned that she would have liked to have had a family and friends get-together to be able to say good-bye to everyone. She said she had dropped hints, but that no one had volunteered to throw such a party. Well, we couldn't let that slide! We decided to do it ourselves. So, for the past few months, we have been trying to figure it all out.

The first thing to determine was the location of the party. We knew that our house couldn't hold everyone. At first we had planned to rent a building in one of the city parks. Then a representative from one of the churches on the guest list called and offered their facilities, tentatively. He promised to call back after he was sure that it would be okay. He never did. Guess that was a no! Then our pastor offered for us to have it at our church. We accepted. And it was a tremendous help.

We had originally planned to have the party catered, but I am very glad that we didn't do that. Their guest list included family, friends, supporters, and six area churches. The Pastors were told that they could announce it to the whole congregation or not, as they chose. Only two of the churches were in contact with me. So, for the other four, I had no idea what the turnout would be. Catering is charged per person, so that would have been disastrous. Chris ended up deciding to smoke some pork. He knows someone that has experience butchering pigs, so he bought two 190-lb hogs. I hate the thought of all of that business and refused to be involved, though I did witness him sawing the feet off. That was enough to make me not want to eat any of it and nearly turn me to vegetarianism! We rented a huge smoker and Chris and his cousin and his uncle spent hours smoking the pork for the party. They ended up with ten aluminum pans of pork. We gave away four pans of meat, only used two at the party, and ended up with four more ourselves. Chris is going to give away some more. We went through one this last week and we are so sick of pork, the rest went in the freezer to be used at a later date! I have never been a big fan of pork anyways!

As for the other food, I had thought at first that I would be the only one doing the cooking, so I planned to bring lots of Sam's bulk items! I had several who had RSVP'd that offered to help with food, so I was grateful for that. When our church offered to host the party, they went way above and beyond being simply a location! One of the ladies organized the women of the church to bring side dishes. We had stressed and worried about how much food we would have because the churches were an "X-factor"--we might have a few people, we might have hundreds! But, the ladies really came through and we had WAY more than we needed, with tons of leftover food (the picture above was taken before more food arrived and there was another small table with more desserts)! The ladies and church took care of so much, providing cups, plates, utensils, tea, coffee, etc. That was a big help and saved us more out of pocket expense! We felt guilty!

The final preparations were for a scrapbook that I had planned to put together for my in-laws. I am only an amateur "scrapper" and rarely have time to work on my own scrapbooks. But, I really wanted to do this. I was at a loss as to how to go about it. I was headed downstairs one day to email my best friend (who is a consultant for a scrapbook supply business and is PHENOMINAL in her scrapbook talents) to see if she had any ideas, when one occurred to me. I decided to make the scrapbook like police files, as though it were a secret mission. I used real file folders and had sections of background info, "intercepted communications" (letters sent by friends and family to use in the scrapbook), and pages that looked like corkboard where I "pinned" photos. I had stressed over it quite a bit because in the invitations that I sent out, I plead with everyone to send letters, stories, and pictures for the scrapbook and gave a deadline that would have given me a few weeks to get everything assembled. At the time of the deadline, I had VERY little. Even Chris hadn't finished his! I nagged and pleaded and cajoled and finally got enough to finish the book. (Billy's contribution page is pictured.)

The party was to be at the end of our vacation week. We had our three-day camping trip/family reunion, then we spent the week getting everything ready for the party, then had the party on Saturday. I think everything turned out really well. We had a good turn-out, but not the hundreds that I had feared! I regret that Jessica (their daughter) had been unable to make it, as I know she was. Their other daughter (Cassie) sang with her husband, and they had conned Chris into speaking. Jesse & Tena had given him an ultimatum: either you sing or you speak--you choose. Well, that was an easy decision!

I had had a dream two nights before the party. I had been worried that I would be so encumbered with taking care of the food that I would miss the little program and I had wanted to take pictures and video. So in my dream, it wasn't a going-away party, it was one of the their daughters' weddings--though in real life, they are both already married. I was in charge of the food and also the photography. I was afraid I would miss the service, so I abandoned the food and sat in the sactuary, snapping pictures. I got wrapped up and forgot all about the food, so when everyone went back to the reception, there was nothing to eat. In reality, though, the food was all there and nothing needed to be done (the ladies were handling everything), so I was able to sit and watch the program (except when Billy had to go to the bathroom).

I do feel bad, though, because later Tena told me that she had barely eaten and then had gotten sidetracked talking with someone and had lost her plate. All of that great food and she hadn't eaten but a few bites!

The kids were pretty good. Billy refused to stay with my mom, insisted on being with me. But he was good and sat on the cooler and just colored. Kimmy made friends with Tena's sister and followed (or led is more appropriate) her around. Arrena had been about to leave with her other grandma when she burst into tears and decided that she wanted to stay with "Gaga T" and "Pawpaw Jesse", as the kids call them. Up until that point, I had been so busy that I hadn't had time to think about saying good-bye to them. They have been in Texas, but we still see them a few times a year. Now, it will likely be 2010 before we will be able to go visit them. And aside from any errant trips they might have to make (they just found out they are expecting a new grandchild!), I think they said they wouldn't be back on furlough for four years. Vancouver is a LONG way away. I will really miss them and I know that Chris and the kids will too. They are the kids' legal guardians, should anything ever happen to us. And the kids adore them! They are Chris' guiding light. They are the only ones that can keep Chris on track and about the only people that Chris ever listens to. And they have always been a source of strength to me. Even when I haven't been able to bring myself to tell them things that we struggle with, I have felt their love and support. I have always felt like they have worried about me and prayed for me and understood me when many people have not. They have also many times seen through the facade that we mask ourselves with and see to the heart of the problem.

We spent the rest of the day with them and reluctantly said "see you later" (Chris refused to say "good-bye").

As for the party, I am so glad that we were able to bless them with it (though much of the credit goes to so many other people who helped in so many ways), but I have to say that I am glad it is over! I was almost glad to go back to work! Almost....

I could never say thank you enough to those that helped. I don't know what we would have done without them. And I don't know what to say to Jesse & Tena for all the years that they have invested in Chris and cared for all of us, for the difference they have made in our lives. And we pray that they can make a difference in the lives of so many others in Vancouver, Canada!

Where, Oh Where, Has My Six-Year Old Gone?

I got an alarming phone call this morning. I dropped both of the girls off at school before the 9am start time and went home. Around 10am, the house phone rang. I never answer that phone because no one of importance ever calls on that line. Only telemarketers. Arrena uses that phone to talk to her friends. Chris and I use our cell phones and we are in no danger of using up our minutes (now texting is another issue altogether...). But, Billy grabbed the cordless and brought it to me, pushing the "talk" button just before he thrust the receiver into my hands. I listened and it was an automated message from the school, informing me that Kimmy had an unexcused absence for today. I panicked. She's too innocent to think about skipping school and where would a six-year old go anyways? And even if the thought of skipping occurred to her, she loves school. I saw her walk in with her sister, so where could she be? Could she have been snatched? Could they have lost her...again? I grabbed my cell phone and dialed the school and reached the attendance office and said, "I just got a call that my daughter has an unexcused absence for today, but I dropped her off this morning, so I want to know what is going on." She put me on hold for what seemed like forever. I was imagining crazy scenarios, pacing, ready to race out the door to get to the bottom of her disappearance, and determining that the first course of action should be to summon Arrena to give an account of her sister's whereabouts. Finally the lady came back on the line and said it had been a mistake, that Kimmy was, indeed, in class. Her teacher had marked the wrong student absent. So, then I spent the next quarter of an hour getting my blood pressure back down to normal.

When I went to pick them up from school, Arrena got to me first and had to spill the beans that Kimmy had lost her first tooth while at school. My poor little baby! I have dreaded this. She has such a cute little smile with her little baby teeth all lined up. I hated the thought of her losing those teeth. She hates it too. She sees the hodgepodge in Arrena's mouth (adult teeth, baby teeth, gaps where there are currently no teeth) and she wants no part of that. And now she has this little lisp that she didn't have before. It's quite alarming. It's like I took one child to school and got a whole different one back! She does look cute, but I will so miss that smile of hers. She's growing up on me! I took her out in the back yard the other day and took some pictures of her. I knew that she would lose that tooth any day and I wanted a few last shots of that dazzling grin. I hope you enjoy them too.

I am amazed at her, though. She is picking up reading like you would not believe. She has surpassed Arrena, though I hate to say that. She sometimes gets frustrated with Arrena's reading speed and will cut her off and read things FOR her. I can't tell whether Arrena is relieved that she doesn't have to read or if she is jealous that her sister can read better than she can. But, I think Kimmy owes a lot of her success TO her sister because she has learned from Arrena. Last year in Kindergarten, she was learning three-letter words with short vowell sounds and that was about it. All the books they read consisted of two and three-letter words with short vowells and a few sight words. That's not an easy feat, to write a book like that, if you think about it. Kimmy has only been in first grade for less than a month, so I doubt she has aquired this much additional skill at school already. She was reading to me the other night and I was AMAZED at the words she could read without help. I believe some of it is that her sharp mind makes logical jumps. She sees where a story is going and fills in the words that should logically come next. But, the rest has to be her recognizing the words. I jotted down some of the ones that amazed me: showed, himself, nobody, baskets, palace, smiled, climb, perhaps, and mystery. Those may seem easy to you, but to a child whose previous books have consisted of lines such as, "Pam is a cat. The cat sat on my lap. I pat the cat," it's not too shabby! The other thing I like about her reading is that she puts feeling and inflection in her recitation too. And she's quick too. She is supposed to read for ten to twenty minutes a night for her "homework"--I have been having to make her read two books (or one more difficult book) because she goes through them so fast. She is highly intelligent. She can tell you about most any animal. And if she doesn't know, she goes and grabs one of her myriad of animal encyclopedias and finds out! It's hard to find the balance of being proud of her and encouraging her while at the same time, not making Arrena feel bad, as though she were in her baby sister's shadow.

Family Reunion/Camping Trip

I learned that some of my family is reading my blog, so I guess that means I can't gossip about anyone from the family reunion.... Ha, ha! Just kidding!

I had tried to send a picture from my cell phone with the caption, "Live from the family reunion" to this blog, but apparently it didn't go through.

Well, the weekend was really fun, but it seemed to fly by!

It seemed like everything was stacked against us from the start. Chris had wanted to get an early start at work on Thursday night/Friday morning (whichever way you look at it--it's Thursday night for me because I haven't gone to bed yet, but Friday morning for him because he has and is up for the day). He wanted to leave at midnight and I get off work at 11:45pm. But, I had to work an extra hour Thursday. That part didn't bother me much because we had gotten off early so much the week before that I needed to make up for it. But, that meant Chris didn't leave for work until about 2:00am. I had also wanted to go to the store after work, but between working late and Chris needing to get to work, I ended up having to do my shopping in the morning. And of course, I had to run to several different places: Wal-Mart, Dollar General, K-Mart, Sam's, Perfect Peace, Wal-Mart again, etc. Then I had to go pick up the U-Haul trailer we were renting. That turned into a bigger deal than it should have been because the lights weren't working right. So, by the time I got home, Chris pulled in about five minutes behind me. He was muttering about how we weren't going to get out of here until 6:00pm. We had planned to leave early enough to get the girls out of school early. We loaded the truck and the U-Haul, Chris ran a couple of errands, picked up the girls from school (on time), I took a shower, he changed the oil, and we left...at 6:00pm.

The gate at the campground is locked at 10:00pm, so we had four hours to get there. Plus, it would be dark when we had to put up our tent and there had been thunderstorms in the forecast for that area. So, we were racing the clock and the elements. We thought we would be fine because it should only take two and a half to three hours at the most to get there.

Let me just say that I will never again use MapQuest! This is no1t the first time that the directions have been off. I should have known better from the last time. It's been two years since I have been down there and I thought I remembered that we had gotten turned around trying to take people's advice about a shorter way. Well, I thought I knew the way from my aunt's town (Sapulpa) to the lake about 25 minutes away. So, I put in for directions through Sapulpa, which is a little out of the way, but I thought it would be worth it if it put us in familiar territory. When we got off the highway at the Sand Springs/Sapulpa exit, we ran into a one way frontage road going the wrong way. So, Chris got frustrated with me (I was driving) and made me pull over and he got us turned around (remember we had a trailer and can't turn on a dime) and drove the rest of the way in. The directions said to turn onto 151st street. Once we got to that point of the directions, I couldn't find it. We came to a light at highway 33 that had a sign directing us to turn right to get to Heyburn Lake. But, there was another sign saying you could get to Heyburn Lake by going straight. And I wasn't seeing this 151st street. So we kept going. Eventually I saw a sign that said 161st street. So that made me think we had passed it (unless we were getting ready to enter another town). I tried to find another street sign to confirm, but it was too dark. When Chris realized that I was lost (WE were lost), he lost his temper. We decided that we thought we had passed it, but we weren't sure where we were supposed to be going. It then dawned on me that I hadn't written down anyone's phone number to call in case we got lost. My mom was at work until 11pm, so I couldn't call her. My grandparents weren't at home, they were there camping! So, we were really in trouble. And time was passing by quickly. And we could see lightning nearby. My husband happens to be a man that actually asks for directions. He turned us around and at the first gas station, he stopped to ask for directions. Only he wasn't being clear--he was asking for this elusive 151st street and none of them knew what he was talking about. One guy approached and asked if we had gotten the information we needed. When Chris said no, the guy asked if he could help. I piped up and clarified that we were looking for Shepherd's Point on Heyburn Lake. Instead of just giving the directions, the guy wanted to chat. "Oh, I'm camping on the other side of the lake from you. What are y'all going up there for? My dad's up there now and he says there's no more spots to rent...." Finally he tells us to go back up the road about four miles and turn left at the light, then six or seven miles up the road and turn at the wooden "Shepherd's Point" sign. From his directions, I suspected he was talking about highway 33. Chris was loathe to follow his directions because he thought the guy was drunk, but he did and sure enough, we got there. We pulled in at 9:30pm. The gatekeeper knew exactly who we were and said they had been wondering if we would make it.

We pulled in and found our campsite. As we got out, my uncle Billy called out from his tent in the spot next to us, "Robin? Is that you?" I answered that it was. He came over and helped us decide on a flat spot for the tent and loaned us his rake and talked with us for a few minutes. He was tired, so he went back to his tent and went to sleep. We commenced with setting up our tent in the dark with lightning flashing all around. We finally got it up, secured our stuff, and went to bed. I don't think it ended up raining after all.

I couldn't sleep. There were these people across the road from us that were up half the night being loud. They weren't rowdy, obnoxious people. I suspect that they just slept through the heat of the day and stayed up visiting and partying half the night. And there were two golden labs that were running around loose that kept barking at those people half the night. We thought they belonged to the people a little ways down and weren't sure why they weren't chained. They kept running around the campsite. My uncle said they chewed up his spatula. I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the dogs came towards me, barking and growling. I took up a fight stance and shined my flashlight in their eyes and said in a loud, gruff voice, "Get on out of here!" They took off. I went back to the tent and slept off and on. I was awakened in the wee hours by something running over my feet. The dogs were running circles around our tent and had run across the corner where my feet were. Chris ran them off and brought all our shoes inside because they had been sniffing at the girls' shoes and if my uncle's spatula was any indication, they wouldn't be safe outside.

I had planned to go to the store once we got there on Friday night, but since we arrived so late, I couldn't have made it back before the gate was locked. We hadn't wanted to transport food stuffs, so we decided to buy it when we got there. Well, as a result, we had nothing for breakfast until I went to the store. My uncle Billy said we should go over and eat with the rest of the family (most of them, for the 21 years they have been using this campground, have been camping at the other end, on the other side of the pavilion that we use for the reunion from where we were). I said I had to go to the store, but tried to get Chris and the girls to go over there, but they wouldn't. Me and little Billy went to the Wal-Mart in Sapulpa and Chris and the girls set up the rest of our campsite.

I called my mother on my way out at 8am, figuring they would be well on their way as she and my brother had been planning to leave at 7am. She said that my brother hadn't come to get her yet, but was on his way. It took us so long at the store, between Billy having to go to the bathroom and Chris calling to tell me he needed more supplies, that we didn't get back to camp until after 10:00am. We made some sandwiches to tide us over until the family lunch. Mom and Bub got there and I went up to the pavilion to say hi. Also, we took a card and birthday gift over to my grandpa--he turned 82 last week and I was bad and didn't get over to see him. I couldn't think if a good gift for him so I bought him one of my favorite books: Room of Marvels by James Bryan Smith. We visited with them for a little while, then went back to our camp. Not long after, we went up the hill to the pavilion to join the rest of the family. We visited, the kids played, we ate, then the auction started. Every year family members bring homemade crafts to be auctioned off to raise money for the next year's reunion--it covers the cost of the pavilion, the food, the toys for the kids, etc. In the middle of that, it started to rain. Chris and Billy went back to our camp to secure anything that couldn't get wet and they stayed there and took a nap. The wind picked up suddenly and nearly blew everything away. I had noticed a steadily building headache, but had ignored it. It kept going and became a full-blown migraine. Worst one I have had in years. I wanted to stay so bad, but I kept feeling more and more sick. I stayed through the cake walk and then we said good-bye and I took the girls back to camp. I was so sick at that point, I wasn't even sure I could walk that far (and it wasn't far). We laid down in the tent (it had stayed dry inside) and I rested. By dark, I tried to get up and around for a while, but I was still feeling horrible. Chris made dinner, but I didn't eat it because I felt so bad. My uncle Billy blamed it on us not going and eating breakfast when he told us to. I blame it on a combination of being tired, the stress of the day before, having no caffeine all day (i was trying to drink water and juices), and the heat.

The dogs had been picked up by the county that day--the people down the way weren't their owners after all. Their owners had dumped them off several weeks prior and left them. At least I didn't have their barking or running me over to keep me awake. The people across the street kept me awake briefly, but not for long. The next day the headache was mostly gone. I kept having flashes of pain, but nothing major.

It's become a tradition for the family members that have camped out to get together Sunday morning and combine food for a big breakfast. We brought our bacon, eggs, & hashbrowns, but my uncle Billy made us take them back because they had enough. Uncle Billy and my great-uncle Richard cooked up a big huge breakfast and we had a good time eating and visiting. A lot of the family was leaving that day because the forecast called for more rain and everyone else that had been in tents hadn't been as lucky as we were and had gotten wet. So, after breakfast, they went back to their camps to pack up. We went to Wal-Mart to get a few more supplies (our lantern wasn't working, so we had little more than flashlight light after sunset). When we got back, Arrena and Kimmy played in the pavilion with their cousins. Billy swam in our blow-up pool, while Chris put the new lantern together and we started lunch. When we got lunch done, I drove to the other end of the campground to invite others to eat with us. My Aunt Janie was the only one who came down, so we had cheddar brats and watermelon and chips. She taught the girls to play the card game "books" and she sat and chatted with me for a couple of hours. She decided to go back to camp to see if she could help--she said they were making tacos for dinner and we should come over.

We took the kids down to the swimming beach because they had been clamoring to swim in the lake. We didn't stay there long. After that, Chris and the kids gathered firewood because the girls wanted to roast marshmallows later. They built up a fire in the fire pit and then we went over to the other side of the campsite.

I guess they all changed their minds about having tacos. My great-uncle Gary and great-aunt Bessie were leaving, and Aunt Janie, me, Chris, my cousin Angie, her husband Ronnie, and my cousin Tammy's husband Randy played honeymoon rummy. I had never played before. It's kind of like Phase 10, only harder. When it got dark, we put up a light and kept playing. We were cutting it close because Angie and Ronnie weren't camping and had to be out before the gate was locked at 10pm. Ronnie won and I came in second! Not too bad for my first time playing. They were laughing at Chris because he misunderstood the directions for the last hand and there was no way he could recover. The kids played with their cousins and entertained cousin Tammy and my great-aunt Ruthann. Billy had them all thinking he was so cute, despite his hitting his sisters, refusing to sit in Tammy's lap, and the lovely moment when he bent over and put his butt in Kimmy's face and farted loudly. Everyone laughed and I hung my head. Where did I go wrong?

It was nearly 10pm when we got back to our camp and we were hungry, so we threw on some burgers and reheated some of the brats from lunch. My aunt Janie and cousin Jimmy came over and ate with us. Billy fell asleep in his chair. The girls finally got to roast their marshmallows and made s'mores. They were so thrilled. I couldn't get Billy to wake up, so the girls made one for him and we put it away. Then we all headed to bed. Incidentally, it didn't rain again.

My aunt Janie and cousin Jimmy came over again in the morning for breakfast. She said that she felt like she was constantly bumming food off of us, but we didn't care--we had plenty! They packed up and her daughter (my cousin Jennifer) and her husband came and picked up their stuff and they left. We packed in our camp, said our good-byes to those that remained and headed out, finding the better route in and out of there, instead of the long way!

All in all, we had a blast. I was glad to get back home though, if for no other reason than that it's nice to get out of the shower and not immediately get my feet dirty again. And the bathrooms out there were HORRENDOUS! I don't expect much from campground bathrooms, but this was ridiculous. Where we camped was between the two bathrooms. There was one between us and the pavilion and that's the one we all usually use. When we got there, one of the two toilets in the ladies bathroom either hadn't been flushed or wouldn't flush. I flushed it and it mostly went down. When I tried to flush the rest, it wouldn't flush again. So, everyone used the remaining toilet. Then it clogged up and flooded, with excrement and toilet paper all over the floor, clear to the door. So that bathroom was unusable. The other one was much nicer at first, but the following day after we started using it, someone got nasty and smeared "stuff" on the wall in one stall and in the other there was something all over the front of the toilet. I suspect it was just mud, but I wasn't going to find out. At least this year the grass had been mowed. One year, the grass was so high, the kids could barely play. The family plans to inundate the Army Corps of Engineers with angry letters and are also thinking about finding a different location for the next reunion. That's sad because they have been out there for 21 years and it's part of grandpa's childhood--he told Chris he helped clear some of the trees out there.

From what I heard, there were more from my grandpa's descendants there than from any other family. I think we all suspected that this might be pawpaw's last year. Who knows, he might hang on. But, he has Parkinson's and I see such a decline in him. I sat there at the auction, watching him with tears in my eyes. He doesn't look at all like the big strong man I remember. I can't stand the thought of losing him. But, I know I will see him again and that he will be free from pain and happy with his Lord. He is likely looking forward to his home-going and seeing his sister and others again.

I almost thought about suggesting we stay out there one more day since we are on vacation and the girls had an inservice day. But, I knew they were ready to go and we needed to get things done this week. The weather hadn't been unbearable--in the low 90s (until it rained and the wind sprang up). As long as we sat still, the breeze off the lake was nice, and we stayed comfortable. It was when we moved around that we got hot and sweaty. We got back on Monday, and Tuesday here was hot from start to finish, but Wednesday, the weather changed to autumn in a flash. The temps dropped to the 50's and 60's. It felt great, but boy, was it a shock! Now this is the weather I would like to camp in! I might have to gather my little brood up for another camping trip in a couple of weekends! Right now, they are just happy to have their TV back! I pointed out that they survived three days without it and they barely touched their box of toys. They found ways to entertain themselves. Chris has been talking about getting a camper. I am perfectly fine in a tent--I actually kind of enjoy it--but the one reason I would agree to a camper is for the bathroom. They want it so they can have air conditioning and TV. I am afraid that we would never leave the camper! But, I would be happy to have a working toilet and a clean shower! We'll see what happens.