1-10-2021 Journal Entry, aka Reading Material

Last night, Billy and I stayed the night at our friend's house.  It was Billy's first real sleepover and he had fun.  I stayed because they live a little far and to give him his meds.

I hadn't cried in a week, but I did tonight.  I got a new book about grieving the loss of a spouse and in the first paragraph, it had me.  I don't know if I like the format, but it does have truth to it and shows I'm not alone.  One thing that really caught at my heart was when it asked how a heart that has become one can split in two again.  It says this is why it hurts--because your heart is torn from your spouse.

My devotional reiterated something I knew but needed reminding of.  Our "reality" is a lie and loss brings us back to knowing that life isn't on OUR terms.  It reminds me of the Natalie Grant song "Held": "Who told us we'd be rescued?  What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?  We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live.  It's unfair.  This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.  This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held."  The song always reminded me of something sweeping you off your feet, off a cliff and God reaching down to catch you.

This is What it Means to be Held

Held by Natalie Grant

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

I have loved this song since the first time I heard it. I listened to it again today and was thinking about about how poignant is the line that says that this is how it feels when the sacred is torn from your live but you survive. It makes me think of having everything being swept off a cliff, but you remain, clinging to the edge, dangling. Something about that word "survive" in that song conveys how you feel when you have been through an emotional torrent and you have absolutely nothing left in you, except your life. Wow, do I know that feeling. And I am so glad that I am not still there. I praise God that I was held. He didn't cause the chaos in my life, but He caught me when I fell and held me. What a comfort and strength to know that the God of the universe is not too busy to hold us. That He is concerned about our problems and, like a daddy, is there to pick us up when we fall and hold us to Him. And how wonderful is it to know that we can stretch our arms out to Him, with tears streaming down our faces, and know that like a father will cradle his toddler, God will pick us up too.

Need Motivation and Strength?

There's a song that has been playing on the radio (perhaps you have heard it) that I really like. Not only do I like the music (good beat, guitar, definitely a get-up-and-go song), but the words are very motivating and strengthening. It's "I Will Not Be Moved" by Natalie Grant (I love most all of her songs!). I've put down the lyrics for you:

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved

I introduced the song to Arrena and Kimmy this week and they are already asking for me to play it again and again and singing the words throughout the day.