2-13-2021 Journal Entry, aka Self Care

Prepare for real raw.  I am struggling so much with self-care right now.  And I don't mean pampering myself.  I mean getting dressed, eating, and taking showers.  I just don't have the motivation.  I struggled with this (except the eating) while Scott was still alive--it's part of my depression.  Getting out of bed is struggle enough.  The rest feels unnecessary unless I have to go somewhere and be presentable.  Sometimes I hear Scott in my head saying, "go brush your teeth."  Sometimes I do, but other times I stubbornly refuse.  "I'm already in bed," or "you're not here to care."  Sometimes the biggest thing I can manage in a day is to shower and put on real clothes.  To be honest, sometimes I change my pajamas just so Arrena won't notice I haven't showered and changed.  And sometimes I'm just scared of the shower.  Because, sometimes when I'm in there, the emotions overwhelm me and I cry and there are times when I don't have time for that or just can't handle it.