I'm Worn

I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn

Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though, I'm worn
I'm worn

This song feels like it was ripped out of my soul.  I could have written most of these words, if I were eloquent enough to describe the way my heart aches.

I have long felt a kinship to Christian singer Rich Mullins.  I always heard about him because he lived in my hometown of Wichita, Kansas, and was a worship leader at a church that I later attended.  One of his songs, "Calling Out Your Name," has a reference to a statue in Wichita, The Keeper of the Plains.  His songs sometimes pierced my heart because they were so insightful into the way I felt.  Later, I realized that the reason I felt that Rich Mullins was a kindred spirit was because we seemed to struggle with the same pain.  I remembered reading in the book "Room of Marvels" that Rich was 'haunted' by the pain of the world.  I am now reading "Rich Mullins: An Arrow Pointing to Heaven," Rich's biography.  I'm sure I will find plenty more that is quoteworthy, but so far, this one caught my attention:

"Much of his pain, as Jim Smith remarks, came from the fact that he saw too much and felt too much.  His mother, Neva, said, "He could see the pain in another person even before they could see it themselves."  Poets are a unique breed of human beings.  They ricochet between agony and ecstasy because they take everything so personally.  Where other people feel kicked by an unkind word, the poet feels disemboweled.  The slightest provocation can induce a fit of weeping or a fit of ecstasy.  Others cannot understand why he does what he does, and the poet is downright clueless himself.  Rich Mullins often endured loneliness, as many people do, but he suffered in a way unknown to most of us.  Such extraordinary sensitivity is a blessing and a heartache."

I completely relate to that because that's totally how I feel.  If it weren't for antidepressants, I'm not sure I could cope with the feelings.  I just wish that God would use me the way he used Rich.  Rich didn't suffer in vain--many people were moved and encouraged by his music.  I want to be used by God.  I don't want to be famous like Rich, but I don't want my suffering to be in vain.  Let it be for something good.